spindles

This might be better in humour, but it is political based - it might get a few laughs here. Please note that it is a joke, so don't be offended.

The UK Home Office Response to US Election Result

To the citizens of the United States of America :-
In the light of your failure to elect a properPresident of
the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP fo the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour', skipping
the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter
'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by
the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced
'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'
if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise
your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in
the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the eliminationof "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not
limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
Youll also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actorsto
play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football.Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played
outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which
is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or
hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not
aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves
lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are> crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and
flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will
be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer isnot actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol(or
"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should
only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with
you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated
to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.

__________________
who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

fuzyfuzer

isn't a parlament government based on population? last itme i checked we have more people here in the land of hell. this move would be very bad for yourself since we would infest and destroy your culture like the plage eveyone thinks we are what you have now you will wish you had in the future. you have now givin us a means to the end of the world without nuclear weapons.

__________________
"The difference between commiment and involvment is like a ham and egg breakfast the chicken was involved but the pig was commited"

"Thrice happy is the nation that has a glorious history. Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt

fuzyfuzer

ohh and by the way the politics board needs a hell of a lot more of this

__________________
"The difference between commiment and involvment is like a ham and egg breakfast the chicken was involved but the pig was commited"

"Thrice happy is the nation that has a glorious history. Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt

pedro padilla

kinda stupid. no actually, real stupid.

tecoyah

And yet....strangely satisfying

Truly....we do need a bit more lightheartedness in here.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Paq

sure, it's lighthearted, but i'm with fuzyfuzer...we're like the plague, we'll infect silently and within 20 yrs, british culture would be gone....just think of it..Thousands of years of culture replaced by minimalls, 24 hr grocery stores, no U's in words that don't need U's...The church of england will fall and be replaced by jerry fallwel's church of intolerance...then you'll have to put up with pat robertson taking over....

yeah...you like apples? How ya like them apples?

__________________
Live.

Chris

Seaver

Eh, stupid but not offensive...

Though it IS interesting they always talk about how everything is outside America (football/etc) then insist we drive on the left side of the road. Pot, meet Kettle.

guy44

OK, I've spent time in Britain and I love the country...nation...group of nations...whatever the hell it is. I hate Bush too. But in the interests of retaliatory tactics:

This just in:

Tony Blair, after being asked real nice-like by President Bush, agreed to change the name of the United Kingdom to American United Kingdom. Everyone from Scotland, England, Wales, and both Irelands will immediately be banned from uttering the word "brilliant" again. Glossy mags are to be referred to as "bathroom reading." The Darkness will be officially declared awful, giving the Brits a 15 year head start on this epiphany. Roundabouts will be demolished for the good of mankind.

There will be a one year deadline to switch to driving on the correct side of the road. John Cleese will be mandated by law to make another 12 episodes of Fawlty Towers. BBC 4 will be limited to 3 home construction/renovation shows a day. The remnants of the paramilitary groups in Northern Ireland will be warned to quit any and all activity under penalty of introducing the islands to country music.

The Streets will be forced to sing or get off the pot. The House of Lords will be abolished already. Citizens of the UK will no longer be allowed to refer to the rest of Europe as "Europe." British movie theaters will immediately cease running ads before the movie starts insinuating that bootlegging movies aids terrorism.

Cricket will be ruled illegal, punishable by forced NASCAR viewings. The Liberal Democrats will be given all seats at any level of government afforded to the BNP, because they're Nazis. We're giving Hugh Grant back.

Judy Dench is to retire from the stage and theater after her excellent run in All's Well ends, and will spend the rest of her life as the new Queen. Charles, Henry and gang will work for a living. The National Rail will get their shit together and stop crashing, or we'll send Amtrack execs to ruin your lives.

Lastly, as a gesture of goodwill, the UK will give the U.S. the Rolling Stones, The Beatles, and David Beckham (it's for your own good) in exchange for Eminem, John Rocker and Pat Robertson.

__________________
"You have reached Ritual Sacrifice. For goats press one, or say 'goats.'"

spindles

Completely offtopic (but OK cause I started the topic ) I have an interesting fact for settling disputes RE choosing the correct side of the road.

Vanuatu was originally colonised by both the French (right side of road) and the English (left side). They decided after some chaos to settle the side of the road issue by settling it based on where the next "carriage" in the colony arrived from. The carriage was actually delivered to a French church minister and thus they drive on the right hand side of the road, and now resides in the local museum. I gotta tell you drive a manual (stick shift) is rather difficult with the other hand.

__________________
who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

jonjon42

I say we drive on whatever side we want....then we let popular opinion decide..
it may also solve some of the overpopulation problem.

__________________
A damn dirty hippie without the dirty part....

spindles

You guys only want to do this because the Aussies are so good, and the Americans don't even realise the game exists

__________________
who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

guy44

Well, and because I want the rest of the world to understand how I suffer so from NASCAR.

__________________
"You have reached Ritual Sacrifice. For goats press one, or say 'goats.'"

ObieX

*sigh* still so bitter over getting whooped in 1776.. so.. so bitter... crabapple bitter

__________________
We Must Dissent.

alansmithee

All I could think after reading that was "why is the tail trying to lead the dog?" Although, number 7 wouldn't be so bad.

Seaver

Oh no we know it exists, it just sucks. Aussies at least have rugby, so it makes up for it.

Pacifier

this is old, I've seen it first after the first "election" of Mr. Bush.
But some point are really good

come on, have some fun. it is a joke

__________________
"It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death
— Albert Einstein

Lebell

I can live with all of that so long as we don't have to go on the English Food and Dental plan...

__________________
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis

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Bill O'Rights

*Licks finger and makes a vertical line in the air*
One point...Lebell.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Furry

The NHS will mend your leg for practically nothing if you break it, as long as you've got citizenship here. Now consider the cost of doing the same, uninsured, in the US.

Also Scrumpy cider, calling petrol "petrol" and Harry Potter.

But on the down side.... , Tony Blair and co, inc and McDonalds. It is fact that the first of these little greasy horrors opened in London in 1974. If only someone had thrown a well-aimed Molotov cocktail, the rest of the world wouldn't be suffering...

__________________
Furry is the leader of his own cult, the "Furballs of Doom". They sit about chanting "Doom, Doom, Doom".
(From a random shot in the dark by SirLance)

Lebell

Yeah, but can you walk straight afterwards?

__________________
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis

The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU!

Please Donate!

Locobot

Where does this 97.85% number come from? Is that a reference to something specific or just another cheap dig at Americans especially the 59 million who voted to fire Bush's incompetant ass.

Lebell

Geeze, relax man.

Can't you just have some fun in here?

__________________
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis

The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU!

Please Donate!

vox_rox

As a Canadian, I can only say that this is hilarious. Luckily, we've been spared the "roundabouts" for the most part, but we are lucky enough to have zeds in our alphabet and u's in our favour etc.

And I can tell the difference betwen Australian and British accents, I just don't care.

Peace,

Pierre
(that's french, just in case you don't know - merde!)

Furry

Yes, you can walk straight. What an advantage, eh?

Roundabouts are far better than those traffic-creating carbuncles of social planing known as "intersections". They're probably the only thing keeping the US traffic light industry alive...

It's simple when you know how to deal with one. However, the words "go straight across the next roundabout" are NEVER to be taken literally.

__________________
Furry is the leader of his own cult, the "Furballs of Doom". They sit about chanting "Doom, Doom, Doom".
(From a random shot in the dark by SirLance)

spindles

I *might* be bitter if I was English

__________________
who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

Tarl Cabot

I agree. I'm just worried about having to let my teeth rot out.

Pacifier

Yeah, it got me too, I think its more like 97.869%
Statistics should be precise....

__________________
"It seems to me that the idea of a personal God is an anthropological concept which I cannot take seriously. I also cannot imagine some will or goal outside the human sphere. Science has been charged with undermining morality, but the charge is unjust. A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties and needs; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death
— Albert Einstein

jwoody

1776. The British Army vs. The British (a few Irish, couple of French, some Germans and Dutch) Colonists.

However you look at it, the British won that one.

zen_tom

That's the thing that always amazes me about American flag waving, no matter how much they want to pretend, they are still Brits. Yes they got all annoyed at the British government way back when, but that is *such* a British attitude.

By the way jwoody, love the avatar.

Seaver

Try again, no one in my family is British. Founding fathers? yeah mostly.

DelayedReaction

Good read, although I'd like to politely disagree about them having our guns.

__________________
If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm.

spindles

delayed reaction - you can keep all the guns except the one in your avatar

__________________
who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

DelayedReaction

You can have my portable weapon of mass destruction when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

__________________
If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm.

Ishmal

HeeHeeHee...

this is my first venture in2 the political board... if its all this good i might be hanging around!!!

good work spindles & guy44 .

__________________
"Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."

Locobot

hmm yes, we spell our words differently, hilarious.

archer2371

Hey! We've got a Sevens team! Not a very good one.... but a Sevens team nonetheless. Anyways, I enjoyed reading it, for some reason, the voice I read it with was Stewie Griffin's donno why, just did. But anyways, yeah, we need more of this, too much of getting wrapped up in who we think is right.

__________________
"This ain't no Ice Cream Social!"

"Hey Grif, Chupathingy...how bout that? I like it...got a ring to it."

"I have no earthly idea what it is I just saw, or what this place is, or where in the hell O'Malley is! My only choice is to blame Grif for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif."

DJ Happy

The US actually does have a rugby team and a cricket team. Admittedly, they are both worse that crap, but they are there.

Yes. Im sure they remember it well.