chriswin8

Something has transpired (See below) and I was made the legal guardian of 2 little girls. A 2 year old and a 4 year old neither of them are mine. Um what do I do now?

My ex-fiance had 2 kids. And sence we where going to be wed she had papers drawn up that if something happend I would get the kids. A week before the wedding I walked in on her and some guy. keep in mind I had taken her back once already for cheating. This time I was not about to take her back and kicked her out of my house and kept the girls till she found a place. A month after she took the kids to her apartment She had a breakdown.

Here is the problem I was there when the 2 year old was born and helped take raise the 4 year old, I love both of them as if they where my own. The mother lost the kids in the CPS battle. CPS contacted me and asked me if I would take them. Now here where the choices. Have them go into the system and be split up in fauster care and be adopted, or just take them myself. And they needed an answer right then and there they had a family ready to adopt the 2 year old.

I decided to take them (yeah like i would let them go into the system and be split up), how ever I have no clue what i am really doing. It was a diffrent story when I was going to have someone to tag team with. I could have the kids for 3 months or the rest of my life, that all depends on the ex.

Now that I have had time to reflect on my answer to CPS, I am starting to freak out. I mean CPS is dropping the girls off sometime tomarrow. Its not the meterial things. I have a Stable job, a house, money is not a problem.
Its more of a question of am:
I ready for something like this?
If i am how do i know?
If I am not, is there a way to back out of this?
If i do Back out will i ever forgive myself?

Is this normal for me to be freaking out, like this?

I could use some advice, input, or anything that anyone is willing to share with me.

Should I take the mother back again?

__________________
I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

JustJess

1. Wow. Just wow.
2. Of course it's normal to freak out. This is heavy shit.
3. You will never know if you're ready. You just keep doing it and suddenly things tend to be okay.
4. You did the right thing - it's not the kids' fault the mom is um, not useful. Much better for them to be with you - you care for them, they know you, etc.
5. Try to get them settled in as much as possible - give a sense of stability and normalcy if you can.
6. DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER UNLESS IT IS A HEALTHY HAPPY THING FOR YOU TO DO.
7. Worry about forever when you get a better sense of whether or not she's ever going to have her shit together. At that point, you'll be more likely to know if this is something you can do, want to do, etc.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Charlatan

Here is a little secret that most parents know -- They have no clue what they are doing and make it up as they go along. Seriously.

For the first few months after my son was born I kept waiting for his parents to show up to take him home. Funny thing is, you can always manage.

Freaking out is normal. Don't take the mother back unless you truly love her and want her. That decision should have little to do with the kids.

As money and housing isn't a problem the only real (potential) problem is you. Are you ready for this? From the sounds of it, you probably are... do you have family (siblings, parents, etc) who can be babysitters in a pinch? Can you afford a Nanny?

I say more power to you. Go for it.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

maleficent

You said the magic words there... that's all that matters.

Should you take the mom back? Only you can decide that.. Sounds like the girls and you are going to have enough upheaval in their life right now... Do you want the added stressor of a woman who's proven more than once she can't be trusted?

I ready for something like this?
Only you know for sure.. Knowing you love them is a big step, I'm not sure any parent is ever truly ready for parenthood. They have nine months to try and prepare... you've got a day or so... It's kinda like getting into a cold pool - you just jump right in and I'm sure it will be fine.

If i am how do i know?
You do the best that you can for yourself and for the girls... that's all you cando

If I am not, is there a way to back out of this?
You can always call CPS again, and tell them that it's more of a responsibility than you can handle right now.. No one would think any less of you, and I'd hope that the girls went to good homes that would love them.

If i do Back out will i ever forgive myself?
You just say you did the best you could and you wanted to do better for the girls.. it's nothing for you to forgive yourself for.

Take a deep breath... and decide if this is what you really want - it's a helluva undertaking... one I'm sure you will do fine with.. kids are resiliant and they're relatively low maintenance...

One thing to consider-- do you have child care available for the girls while you are working - maybe that type of help would give you the confidence that you need to be a full time dad... just having someone there as a safety net.

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ryfo

Freak out all you need too. These little girls need your stability and they just want you to be there and be someone familiar for them. I think what you are doing is so fantastic, and the problem with the mother should be dealt with by CPS, after all they did take the kids aaway from her for a reason. The thing I would do is if the mother has visitation ask for a supervisor so she cant really guilt trip yuo about the kids and get you to agree to something you are not really comfy with(like taking her back 'for the kids sake')

Willravel

Smile, you have one of the greatest opportunities a person can have. You have the opportunity to raise 2 wonderful people who will benifit society.
Sounds as if they'll be a heck of a lot better off with you than her. Shame on her for cheating.
Please take them if you possibly can. CPS is a frightening system with terrible problems, despite good intentions.
Good choice. No parent has a clue right off the bat. I spent almost 8 years of my life trying to train myslef to be a father, and I still have no idea what I'm doing. The first thing you should do is make sure you have thre best intentions. Intend to raise them right. Intend to make sure they grow up smart and savy in the ways of the world. Make sure they are moral and ethical. If you're religious, you might consider raising them religious, aswell. Do the best you can.
You can do this. Breath slowly.
I think you're as ready as anyone ever is. It is 110% normal to freak out a bit over this. Most people have 9 months or more to come to terms. I don't suggest backing out unless a better situation comes up for the kids (which seems unlikely as of right now). You can do this.

chriswin8

Thank you, all for the words of encuragement. I am going to do this.

I think I might hire a nanny for a little bit, depending on the price. At least for a little wile.

My parents are about 5 miles away, if I need them I am sure they will help. But something tells me I am going to be comming here asking for help or opinnions alot in the comming days...months... years. LOL

I fear as sence the ex was placed in a mental instatution to get help that I have the girls for a bit. And the visitation will be supervised once she gets out that was already put in by the judge. Then if she can prove to CPS that she can handle things she will get them back. But she has 22 months to get her act together. If she can't then they will go up for adoption (at witch time I will adopt them).

__________________
I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

amonkie

That is what this place is for


Just remember nobody is perfect - but I have a feeling if the kids feel the same way about you as you've said you feel about them, all the rest of the little details will work themselves out. The best thing you can give these kids is your time, attention, and love.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

chriswin8

I have a bunch of stuff already from when they lived here before. But I know i am missing things. What are some things i am going to need. There old room is still set up, sort of. there are no toys or clothes. There beds and dressers are still there. Is there anything other then toys clothes and food i need to get this week.

How can i raise two kids. I still feel like a kid myself sometimes.

__________________
I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

amonkie

Is the younger potty trained yet? If not, then Diapers and their accessories (wipes, powder, solid changing space) should be on the shopping list.

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Marvelous Marv

It's a great thing you're doing. Just remember that you'll mess up occasionally. So do all other parents.

What Charlatan said is right on. You won't have a clue what you're doing at first, and then after awhile, you won't be able to picture your life without them.

The nanny is a good idea. Young kids have a way of interfering with work. Also, remember, no matter what a scumbucket their mother is, they will still love her. Be a class act and never say anything bad about her to the kids.

__________________
"The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money."
Margaret Thatcher

indebut

wow...you deserve a pat on the back. It sounds like you are a great guy and these kids
are very lucky to have someone like you to take care of them in this fragile time in their lives. I'll echo what others have said in that you kinda learn as you go. My son is 13 months and I'm still learning everyday. You have the want and the love to care for these kids and that is all you really need...the rest will fall in place as you go along. Your parents have been through this before...if I were you, i wouldn't hesitate to ask for help...I'm sure they'll understand Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and the kids.

maleficent

Patience... especially with yourself.. Kids don't need a whole lot.... the silliest things will entertain them... and all they really need and want is time with somoene who loves and wants them.

Have faith in yourself... you can do this.

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Charlatan

This is key. NEVER say bad things about her. Let them be the ones to decide how to feel about their Mother. As a child of divorced parents I can attest that this could bite you in the ass.


Again, don't worry too much (just worry a little, it's good to keep on your toes). You will do fine.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

DJ Happy

You're a good man chriswin8. I have no idea who you are, but I have the utmost respect for you for what you are doing.

You may be feeling overwhelmed now, but just take it one day at a time and you'll be fine. And so will they.

Ustwo

Only if you want another fight for the kids after her next screw up.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

raeanna74

I admire you for selflessly putting yourself out to care for these little ones. Your decision will have a world of difference for these children for the rest of their lives. I believe they will be so much better off for your sacrifice.

As other's said here - us parents don't have it together about 99% of the time. We learn as we go and I think the children teach us as much as we sometimes teach them.

In regards to allowing the mother to come back. Trust your instincts, if you are uncomfortable in the least with it then don't do it. She's used up her second chances and now needs to seriously prove herself as a changed, responsible, unselfish person.

Take care and we'll be glad to what advice, commiseration as we can.

Do you have toothbrushes for them, other sundries. Is the 4 yr old able to sleep through the night? You might get some pullups or drynites (something like that) for the 4 yr old if necessary. Do you have a change of sheets for their beds? sippy cups? cabinet locks, outlet plugs, all those safety measures. Granted the youngest may be 2 but their curiosity can still overpower the things they've been told. Oh and a good kids video or two for those times when you just HAVE to have a break.

As for food - almost every kid I've watched has liked string cheese, chicken nuggets, and fruit snacks. Those are nice to have around for those times when you are too tired to fix dinner or a snack.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Meditrina

I have chills reading about your love for these girls. You are embarking on a wonderful journey called parenting. They will surely benefit from being with you, someone who loves them that much. There will always be ups and downs, and it is a "learn-as-you-go" process. Just remember to do what you feel is right for you and the girls. Congratulations and good luck. I look forward to hearing more about your journey with them.

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"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

chriswin8

Well I took the week off from work.

The social worker will be here about 4pm to drop off the kids.

My mother and i went shopping for "Things I would need." I bought a Hill worth of outfits. I bought a changing table, and a month worth of dipers for the both of them. I went and picked up a crap load of toys. I got the kiddie foods my mother recomended. A car seat, and booster seat (They dont fit in my camaro). A stroller, plus things i am sure i am forgetting. I spent $1800 today. And I feel like I forgot something. I never even thought about anti-kid devices. I guess there is more shopping to be done.

I contacted an agency about a live in nanny and they are sending over 4 candadets tomarrow. I have a question. How do I know what one is the one. Oh and what questions do I ask?

Should I think about getting a Van and puting my camaro in storage, or selling it.

Breath in... Breath out... repeat as needed.

__________________
I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

maleficent

What questions to ask the nanny? Basic one: Why do they want to do the job? Unless it's because they love children.. send them packing.. Trust your instincts... Have your mom sit in with you if it makes you more comfortable - some moms tend to have instincts about people. She'll know.

Well unless your camaro has a back seat - kids won't be allowed in it - I beleive the law in new york (I Know it is in NJ) that no child under the age of 12 is allowed in the front seat of the car - because of air bags and ohter safety stuff)

Keep breathing... you are going to be fine...

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analog

.........damn, man. Just... damn.

You're an absolute saint. Just keep cool, and remember that you love them (the fact you said you loved them like your own is the key to this whole thing).

As for a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old, there are still things you need to do to your house.

Check every cabinet below 5 ft high. Why 5 ft? Kids can climb on anything, like chairs, and get at a cabinet. You're checking for anything they could drink or eat and die from. You need child locks for any cabinet you have to keep any cleaning supplies in, like under the bathroom and kitchen sinks. If you have plates or breakables in low cabinets, move them up to a higher cabinet, and if you have anything that's not breakable- like mixing bowls, plastic cups, etc., move them down. This will help prevent curious hands from becoming destructive hands.

As for the nanny, I'd ask for a list of references. Once you get to know the person well, call their references and talk to their former employers, see what they have to say. You may get 4 glowing reports from one nanny, or 4 "meh, she did her job but that's it", regardless of how outgoing, nice, or personable they appear to you. Also, I don't know what your dynamic is with your mom, it sounds good, but I'd ask her to help you out with the nanny-choosing. If nothing else, she might be able to ask specific questions you might not think of, or she may be able to "pick up on" some of those positive nurturing qualities the nanny should possess.

Just keep asking questions- a lot of people make it up as they go along, so don't freak out.

Good luck.

tecoyah

Stop....breath....and relax.


Im gonna go on a limb here....as you are doing something I respect very much. I am a father of three and am willing to answer any PM you send me....period.

Just dont let the little stuff get to you.....OK?

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

chriswin8

In all the hustel and bussle of the day. I bought big pull ups and not underpants for the 4 year old. She gave me this look and said. "I dont where those silly... I am a big girl, I ware underpants." Have you ever wanted to hit yourself in the head for being a moron.

I guess i add underpants to tomarrows shopping list.

I just thought i would add that before i turn in for the night.

__________________
I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

raeanna74

It sounds like you'll have a blast with these two.

I will be looking forward to posts from you in "Guess what my kid did."

Wishing you good luck and all the best.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

analog

I don't know how your feelings are on joint-custody, or having her come visit the kids, but you need to be very careful if you don't want her to be a part of their lives.

Firstly, for the love of everything good and decent in this world- and more importantly, your kids- DO NOT get back with the cheater. I'd suggest trying to shrug her off as much as possible, in fact. The kids are yours now, regardless of biological connections- parents are not made by blood, they're made by love and caring. If she pawned the kids off on you every time she couldn't handle them, she's not fit to keep them. Nothing is gained by entering into a bad relationship just so the kids have a mom... because then you're just creating an angry, unhappy household.

I don't know if you plan on sharing custody, or what role at all the mother will play in their lives in the future, but if you don't plan on her being there for them, and want to keep her away from them for fear of more problems, then there is more I'd like to add.

Also, you should start a log book. It can just be a spiral-bound notebook, doesn't matter. What you need to do is log every instance of the mother contacting you, for whatever reason. Example- she calls to ask how the kids are, you record the date and time, and that she called to ask how the kids are. If she calls and says she's broke, wants some money, but doesn't mention the kids, write that down as well. You have to do this for the security of your legal guardianship of the kids. If you don't, and you have to go to court for custody down the road, you will have no record of her disregard for her kids (if that's how it plays out- don't assume "that would never happen"). If, however, you have a record of every time she's called you, and what she called for, she won't have a leg to stand on. My uncle had to do this very thing to keep his drug-abusing, alcoholic, dangeroulsy neglectful and borderline-abusive ex wife (and mother of their kid) from having partial custody- and he's the biological father. You wouldn't believe what he's been through to keep his son, even though he's squeeky clean, has a great job, and everything in the world to back up what a great dad he is, and what a good home he provides. The courts still have bizarre preferences for the mother.

Ok now relax again... that's not to scare you, it's just information. There are tons of things a parent does to protect their kids from the dangers of the world- this is just one of them, so be cool. (btw i'm not trying to suggest the mother has no rights, or that the mother should automatically be excluded from their lives, but I'm getting the feeling that the mom is a flake, and shouldn't be allowed to have these kids back. I'm working under that assumption.)

Also, I agree completely with the others who have said to never talk badly about the mother. It will only cause problems, and it's just not necessary. Just be a good dad (I know you will be) and let her actions speak for themselves.

maleficent

Not a moron... you made a mistake and she helped you correct it... Enlist her as your helper... Good job and get that rest -- I think you'll need it

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Charlatan

Exactly... not a moron at all... laugh with her. And Mal is right, she can help you out.

As for the Camaro... you should consider getting some thing a bit more practical. You don't have to get a van (if that wierds you out)... go for something with four doors -- it makes it easier to get kids in and out of the back seat.

I will second Tecoyah's offer, I have two kids -- one is 11 and one is three -- PM me anytime if you have any questions. I will do what I can to get you an answer or give you support (for what it's worth).

Sounds like you are going to be fine though...

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

chriswin8

Well all in all the mother (Trisha) is not a bad person, or at the least I never thought so. She was really depressed after I broke it off. I mean enough that i was worried she would do something. Then i didnt hear from her for a week and then i get a call from CPS asking me to take the kids because she had a break down and tried to hirt herself. I still don't know the whole story.

At the moment she is in a mential hospital getting help. She is there as long as the Dr's want to keep her I guess. She is not to see the kids till she gets out, then she is to have supervised visatation 3 times a week for 2 hours a day. And that lasts as long as CPS feels she is not fit to have them. That was all set by the CPS and the judge, she nor i have anything to do with it.

I mean i feel bad becasue i kinda put her there (by breaking it off) if you think about it. I mean if i would have forgave her none of this would have happened. I don't want to be hirt by her anymore, i do kinda still love her, and i feel that the girls still need there mother. Or is that a wrong assumption.

So the kids are for the most part squared away. But what do I do about Trisha

And don't worry I am not the type of person that would speak ill of someone out of spite. That just seems wrong to me somehow.

__________________
I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

maleficent

Every person has free will... She made a series of wrong choices none of which you were responsible for. You gave her more chances than most people would have given her. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER ACTION!!! DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

You are doing the best you can for Trishia by doing what's best for her children... Let her get healthy - then make a decision...

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Toaster126

You really have my respect. I wish you the best of luck with your newfound job description (father). I'm confident based on your posts that you will be a wonderful influence in their lives.

There is no way you can be held responsible for her behaviors and thoughts. Don't worry about that at all... and don't get back together with her.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

JustJess

You're definitely not at fault. She clearly had a lot of problems with or without you. It sounds like she might not be a bad mother if she can get out of this depression thing and stay out. But if she can't... *shudder*

And thank goodness, only one is in diapers!!!

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

rlynnm

One can only imagine how scared I was knowing that I was going to be responsible for a little perfect being at 20, shit, I was scared out of my mind. I almost made the mistake of putting her up for adoption..I had already selected the parents and then this is what they told me, this, being the turning point I guess, "You can have no contact with her, and even if you wanted, it's at the discretion of the parents. Early in life, you can not be the aunt that visits all the time...."

I'm a single parent raising a little girl and let me tell you, half the time I'm not sure I know what I'm doing. It's such a natural apprehension when you have the future of another resting in your hands, but with love and the proper guidance, I'm sure you'll do exceptionally well. I haven't done too badly, but hey, she's alive, giggly, tubby, knows her ABC's and the entire McDonalds Menu...

A lot of times I question myself if I'm doing the right thing, am I too loosey goosey, too strict, too this, too that, and all that matters is that the child is loved and given the proper guidance, will grow up fine...

Be there for your girls, love them, protect them, and everything else becomes a minor detail...

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

rlynnm

Worry about the little ones, the ex will worry about herself.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

chriswin8

Ok I have thought about it, and I will let Trisha make the decition on if I take her back or not. What I will do is watch her and see if she learns from all this that she is now going throught.

For the moment I think that its the best thing that I get the girls on a schedule as fast as I can.

My Mother and I interviewed the 4 nanny applicants. I need to make my decision today. And let the Agency know so she can move her stuff in on over the weekend. You know what not one of them looked like Julie Andrews, for somereason I had an immage of her in my head when I thought of Nannys. It must have been the whole Mary Poppens thing. I chose one about my age. She was not the most qualified but she said she would also make dinner for me. LOL I know thats kinda petty. And the others where a bit older and seem to be a bit stiff to me. I hope i made the right choice.

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I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

Charlatan

Hmmmm....

Single Dad. Two adorable girls. A supportive but semi-caustic Mother. And a feisty, age appropriate Nanny.

Sounds like you have the makings of a sitcom.


On this episode, Dad buys pullups only to realize his daughter is already potty trained... Silly Daddy!!! (insert laugh track here).

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

pinkie

It's perfectly normal to be clueless and freaking out.

Love will prevail.

Don't try to overcompensate them with what you think they may not have; aka, spoil them. Just let them know that they are loved. Don't be afraid to discipline, they need structure, stability, and strength from you.

I think what you're doing is awesome.

ArellaNova

People are responsable for their own reactions to what happens in their life.

I stand marginally behind that statment when it pertains to your case simply because you do not deserve any of the responsability for the actiosn of this woman. She has broken your trust before.

You sound like a person who knows where they stand and is STABLE. I agree with thos ebefore. At their age that is the MOST important thing for those two little girls. To find someone they can trust in.


What I am tyring to say is that you don't have to do anything for Trisha. You are not obligated to for any reason.

maleficent

If you or the girls aren't comfortable with the nanny, you can always get a different one. There are different agencies... different nannies... this isn't a lifetime commitment...

BTW - you're doing fine so far...

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Cimarron29414

chriswin8 -

Let me just say that you are the coolest frickin' person on the PLANET to me right now! I am so proud of you, I want to cry (manly man, here)!

1) Whatever you do, DON'T take the pull-ups back. Keep them. 18 years from now, they will become the single greatest momento of your life!

2) While I can't tell you what to do regarding Tricia, if it were me, I would not let her back into my (romantic) life for quite some time, probably never. Nothing good will come out of it.

3) It your company has an Employee Assistance Program, you are entitled to all sorts of paid services: these usually include counseling for you. You might want use them. Maybe some sort of paid "parenting for dummies classes"? Your circumstance is special and I would imagine your company would be more than willing to assist you. Happy employees are good employees.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

chriswin8

Charlatan
LOL your right this is starting to look like a Sitcom. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, however i get the feeling that the good/bad times are only just starting.

maleficent
I know, i just hope this one works out. the other 3 i just got weard vibes from they made me uncomforable. And the cooking thing helped.

Cimarron29414
In reguards to:

1) HUH i was just planning to save them till the 2 year old needed them in a few years. If they servive that long. What are you talking about?

2)I will tell you right now. As i see it I don't think Trisha will ever be able to jump thought enought hoops. As I stated I will leave the option there that she may be able to work her way back into my (romantic) life again. But she will have to prove to me that she has learned and grown due to the outcome of the things that have transpired. In other words she will have to have learned her lesson.

3) Um I have no idea I return to work on Monday and I will speak with front office.
I work for the NY State Department of Disability Determination. I am 1 of 4 Systems Administrators. Yes its a nice Civil Service (Goverment) job. So i am sure they have something.
However the "Parenting for dummies classes" don't sound like a bad idea.

__________________
I reject your reality, and substitute my own.