Redlemon

My son loves to be read to, especially at bedtime. We go through a lot of books. My mind often wanders while I read these books to him. Please use this thread to share your alternative interpretations of children's literature.

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Redlemon

Peek-A-Boo, Lizzy Lou! It's a nice little Muppets book, which includes a Muppet hand puppet to help with the storyline.


There's one couplet in the book that reads as follows:
I can't help but read that as:
Gotta teach them to fight for their rights from an early age!

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Redlemon

The Rainbow Fish


This is theoretically a heartwarming tale. I found this plot summary on Amazon:
I hated it the first time I read it; I couldn't believe what I was reading. Here's your life lessons:

• If your friend has something that you don't, ask for it
• Emotional blackmail is OK if you don't get what you ask for
• Only an equal distribution of wealth will make everyone happy
• You can buy friends

I'm guessing I woudn't find this on Ustwo's bookshelf!

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cellophanedeity

The Rainbow Fish sounds like Caillou. "If you whine enough, your parents will give you what you want!"

clavus

It looks like Lizzy Lou suffocated under the plastic.

Anywayyyy...At an early age, I just looked at the pictures and made up my own story as we went along. Improvization is good for the mind. I can't remember any of my interpretations, but I recall that my wife said some were "inappropriate."

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Charlatan

Your wife does this too?

I can't remember any specifically but will have a look through my daughter's books to see if I find anything good...

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ShaniFaye

My daughters favorite book (and mine) was The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein....oh god the perverted lines I came up with to follow all the "Come, boy..." lines

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FngKestrel

Shel Silverstein wrote a lesser known "children's book" called Uncle Shelby's ABZ Book: A Primer for Adults Only. It's illustrated like a children's book but is hilariously subversive.

Redlemon

Shel is very warped... I have a recording of his adult works, including a song that lists every possible sexual kink. It's a mind like that that has the necessary playfulness to write children's literature, no question.

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Tophat665

My kids made me read this awful Disney book called Bambi's big day about a gazillion times. It got to the point where they would hold the book and turn the pages and I would just recite. There's a page where Babi has to swim a river and it says, "Swim across the water, splash and kick, but be carful. The water is very quick." Sickening, isn't it.

Well there's a happy little frog on the page watching this, and I always used to read it, "Swim across the water, Splash and Kick, but be careful the Frog doesn't bite your, tail."

There was another one later in the book, but, fortunately, I have managed to burn it out of my mind.

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ngdawg

As much as my children LOVED Goodnight, Moon to the point of having to actually watch the moon and tell it goodnight....
any other parent read that book thinking, ' Jeezus, just go to SLEEP already?'

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

spongy

When I would read to my nephew and or neice when tehy were little I would often change the words to see if they noticed... they often did.. usually with a "that's not what it says!!" complaint.

On a related non spoiler note, while reading the latest Harry Potter book aloud to my wife, I changed a sentence so Mrs Weasley saidto Harry "ron and Hermione are upstirs knocking boots." My wife freaked out... whaaaaaat, she said. It was funny.

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Amnesia620

How about Mad Magazine translated nursery rhymes?

One of my favorites (forgive me, moms everywhere)

The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the water spout
down came the rain and washed the spider out
Then out came the sun
through the great big ozone hole
and fried that little spider
into a spider casserole!

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noodle

I just love to give my friends' kids wonderfully horrible-to-read books like Walter the Farting Dog, Everybody Poops and The Gas We Pass.

I get a kick watching them glare at me over the book they're reading aloud while a four-year-old says "Mommy, what an intestine?"

I don't get invited to most of the little monsters' birthday parties anymore after one mom walked in on a discussion with seven four-year-olds (and me, of course) discussing farts and poop, instead of playing Pin the Tie on SpongeBob. Love it.

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mystmarimatt

There's that book, "Love You Forever," Where The mother sings to her sleeping baby: "I'll love you forever / I'll love you for always / As long as I'm living / My baby you'll be." She still sings the same song as he grows up. When the son grows up and leaves home, she takes to driving across town with a ladder on the car roof, climbing through her grown son's window, and rocking the sleeping man in the same way. Then, inevitably, the day comes when she's too old and sick to hold him, and the roles are reversed.

Admit it, the mom driving across town with the ladder and climbing in to his bedroom IS rather creepy.

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Words of Wisdom:

If you could really get to know someone and know that they weren't lying to you, then you would know the world was real. Because you could agree on things, you could compare notes. That must be why people get married or make Art. So they'll be able to really know something and not go insane.

Redlemon

You should enjoy this analysis of "Love You Forever" at retroCRUSH. I've had no other contact with this book, but that webpage stuck in my memory. Ewww.

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Jinn

That's the only book my parents ever read to me, and I still have the copy. I've also got it memorized from the repetitions.. what must have been almost 18 years ago.. that website makes me sad

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robot_parade

Yeah, my wife really likes "I'll love you forever". It creeps the hell out of me. Almost as creepy as the mother climbing into her grown son's room in the middle of the night is the page where the cat is lying on it's back, exposing it's asshole to you, the reader. I can't find this image online, but I promise I'm not making this up. How many children's books have cat's assholes in them?

doodlebird

"love you forever"... not my favorite, the art is a bit to normal.
but my little dude likes anything with singing.
i must admit i cried the first time i read it.
i've also cried from at&t commercials.
i'm weak like that.

he likes "little gorilla" where they sing happy birhtday to him at the end.
i often put whatever words i want to the tune of happy birthday.
he still rocks side to side no matter the words...

"...touch my cake and i'll eat you.
happy birthday to you."

and as for good night moon.
who the hell has a bowl full of mush next to their bed??
do we need to add nonsense to this one?
it's already there.

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xoxo
doodle

Redlemon

Did you see the Fark photoshop thread Theme: Childrens books come to life? It had an amazing Goodnight Moon:


The submitted missed a caption for "rodent in room", however.

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sexymama

My son loved "Green Eggs and Ham" when he was little. Sometimes we still joke: "would you do IT on the train? Would you do IT in the rain?" Then we both laugh and say, "of course we would." (Of course, not together.)

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Average_Joe

For my oldest son's 2nd birthday, a relative gave him a complete book of nursery rhymes from the days before PC. Many of the rhymes tell stories about kids getting into mischief and getting beaten by their parents or some other adult as punishment. He also has some Beatrix Potter books that tell stories with similar corporal punishment involved. It's funny the first time you read some of these stories to your kids and just realize that they weren't very nice, but they want you to read them again and again. My wife and I have learned to skip parts or change the words to reflect a kinder, gentler story.

shesus

Well, this is a little off the track, but not really. I was reading the book called Socks by Beverly Cleary to my third graders one year. I was kind of zoning while I was reading it, but still using the expression. Well, the kitten (named Socks) got lost. The kid was looking for his kitty and yelling "SOCKS"...Well, I read it in the loud voice, but I said "SEX". It was am immediate bathroom break because I couldn't stop laughing. The 3rd graders looked at me kind of weird, but we pretended like it never happened (at least around each other). Socks got put back on the shelf and we started a new book.

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maleficent

they clearly never had child protective services for bunnies that little bunny was always getting into mischief, and always getting his fluffy tail beat... and he never learned...

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raeanna74

Check out "The Grey Lady and the Strawberry Snatcher".

My daughter loves the thing but I found it somewhat repulsive. The pictures are strange. So much so that I can't help but study them. It's an odd book with no words - entirely pictures. The Old woman is on her way home with some strawberries. The whole way this creepy gremlin type person is following her through town (mushrooms growing up where he walks) and finally he finds some blackberries to literally stuff his mouth with while she blissfully continues home. Wierd. I was actually afraid it might cause my 4 yr old nightmares. Amazing that she loved it.

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mystmarimatt

This reminded me of these books by James Finn Garner:

Politically Correct Bedtime Stories: Modern Tales for Our Life and Times

I remember reading them even as a 12 year old and they were hilarious. Thinking back, they actually had a pretty big influence on my sense of humor. But talk about misreading children's literature.

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Words of Wisdom:

If you could really get to know someone and know that they weren't lying to you, then you would know the world was real. Because you could agree on things, you could compare notes. That must be why people get married or make Art. So they'll be able to really know something and not go insane.

flat5

I found out about Edward Gorey when I was about 22.
I really liked the "Willowdale Handcar: or, the Return of the Black Doll"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Gorey

canuckguy

lol that book is on the floor beside me, my kid loves it, but it freaks me out as well.

Giant Hamburger

I fully endorse the Golden Book linked below...

http://www.whatisdeepfried.com/zogg/zogg1.html

clavus

Excellent work, GH

There is a book called "Yoko" about a little girl who brings sushi to school and is mocked for it. So the teacher decides to have "International food day" and instructs the kids to bring food from "another country." The book then goes on to show each student bringing in a dish from another country...except for these two little asshats who bring in "Boston Franks & Beans." I then add a line to the story about how they are so ignorant that they think Boston is another nation or something similar.


Here is one of my favorite children's books -



My wife's favorite -

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ngdawg

I am SO glad I was not partaking of any meal while reading that-I laughed so hard, I choked just in general principle!

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Zeraph

IIRC the exact same thing happened to my Mom's friend! Not sure if it was the same grade, but they (both teachers) taught something between 1st-6th. So youre not alone.

P.S. We're in Arizona, so I don't think youre the same person.

Leo

When I was young I loved everything Dr Seuss wrote. So when my son came along it was a great excuse to buy Dr Seuss books again. It was a sad day when I realised my son had outgrown him. Sad for me, that is!

Sue

Speaking of the Giving Tree... here's my interpretation of it (did this a while ago)

http://www.libragrrl.com/gallery/Artwork/Giving_Tree

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Ustwo

About the most politically motivated bullshit childrens 'work' would be the Captain Planet cartoons. Jebus Christ, I'd like to know who funded its development. I've only seen two and both were anti-American, anti-business, anti-capitalist, oh and anti-common sense.

Back when I was in grade school, we did the social studies 'write the embassy' thing. From Nicaragua (this is in 1982) we got a TON of childrens books in Spanish which being childrens books I could read. They were of course all heavy in communist propaganda but they were still less political than Captain Planet.

I fucking hate people who try to indoctrinate other peoples kids to their political view point, period. I see it on the left far more then on the right, but I’m sure there are examples.

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clavus

Shit. I was about to send Ustwo a copy of "The Adventures of Pookie, the Communist Martyr Bunny who Destroyed Capitalism through Jihad."

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DJ Happy

It's not a book, but I have serious issues with the nursery rhyme, "Goosey goosey gander."

For those of you who might not know it, it goes:

"Goosey goosey gander,
Where shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs
And in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man
Who would not say his prayers.
So I took him by the left leg
And threw him down the stairs."

Firstly, why are we talking to toddler's about "wandering" in lady's "chambers?" They're clearly too young for any of that, and is not the sort of lesson I want a nursery rhyme to teach them. Let them learn about it in the playground when they're 10 like everyone else.

And secondly, do we really want to promote the kind of religious intolerance that encourages you to throw non-believers down the stairs? Not a good lesson for the modern world.

Or am I reading too much into it?

Redlemon

*bounce*

I just came across a great discussion on the Parent Hacks blog: Endless love: "I Love You More" picture book. It turns into a discussion of the most horrible children's stories out there, most of which are already mentioned in this thread, but I thought some of you would get a kick out of it.

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fresnelly

Fun thread!

The only one I can think of at the moment involves Mr. Noisy from the Mr. Men series by Roger Hargreaves.

Mr. Bacon the Butcher and Mrs Crumb, the baker's wife, are discussing how to get Mr. Noisy to live a quieter existence. Mrs. Crumb comes upwith an idea and whispers it into Mr. Bacon's ear.

For awhile there I couldn't help reciting "Mrs. Crumb whispered sweet nothings into Mr. Bacon's ears."

Oh yeah. You better believe Mr. Bacon's bringing her the meat.

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Ustwo

Now that my son is old enough for this kind of thing, I appreciate it even more, thanks for the link.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

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