getwonk'd

My parents are 62 and 70. They are not the kind of people who ooh and ahh over their grandchildren. They do love them completely and love to see them. However they are not the kind to drop in just to see the kids or take them to spoil them and return them home. My mom has told me several times that she doesn't like to babysit all the time. I understand this and don't ask. I think shes raised her kids and why should she want to raise mine too. I have no problem with this and am glad that she is honest with me about it. However, I see my sister and brother pushing the kids on them and almost expecting them to be the overly involved grtandparents. What are some of your views on the subject?

Disk_Pusher

My grandmother (father's mother) was the only grandparent I had contact with as a child, and I stayed overnight around once a month when my parents just had to get away. However, my parents were always very careful to call far in advance to ask if it was allright, and to never leave me longer than what was agreed upon. They never expected her to take me, and on many occasions she said no. They were very careful not to trample on her goodwill, and this is the way I'd like to be treated when I'm a grandparent.

As to the spoiling... my reward for behaving all day and helping around the house was a 5 minute "look time" through Toys-R-Us. Asking for anything, no matter how inexpensive, would cause my grandmother to lecture me on the great depression, and we'd leave right away. As I got older and better at controlling my impulses, I found that by behaving well I'd sometimes get an extra 5 minutes. Those 5 minutes were the extent of my spoiling with her, and in all honesty, I think it was a good thing. I almost never begged because of it.

More to the point, it's not the grandparent's job to spoil the child - if anything, I think it creates the same sort of imbalance you see when one parent becomes the "fun parent" and the other the "discipline parent". My family's approach was consistant in regards to discipline, and in the long run, I feel it was good for me.

Cartuni

It sounds to me like your parents have a hard time saying no, and you are the only one in the family that is sensitive to how they feel about babysitting. You have a couple of options. You could speak with your brother and sister, and tell them your mom & dad are getting overwhelmed with the babysitting. You could talk with your parents, and let them know it’s OK to put themselves first some of the time.

My mom and I are very close, so she is honest with me, too. With my brother, she would often get “stuck” with his kids for longer than she wanted. I constantly encouraged her to just say no when she didn’t feel like babysitting, and she slowly began to stand up for herself. She enjoyed the grandkids a lot more once she had her visitation limits in place.

In my case, I had learned from past experience that talking to my brother about it would have caused resentment, so I never said anything to him.

sexymama

It is up to each individual to decide their personal level of involvement and to inforce it.

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ngdawg

Before my parents' health started to get a bit fragile, they were always more than happy to take the kids for an overnighter, but I rarely asked.
My mother in law was adamant from the time they were born that she would enjoy them immensely, but she's not a babysitter-my sister-in-law used to dump her kids on her mother every weekend when they were babies-by the time my kids got here, she'd had enough. I don't blame her.
Shame on your siblings if they are merely taking advantage of free babysitting-those are their kids-your parents already put their time in. But, as sexymama pointed out, they need to enforce their own rules, so if they're putting up with that, they are either pushovers or enjoy it.

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Meditrina

My parents love to spend time with my kids (both of the times they come up to visit in a year) and they have offered to babysit while we go out. But I cannot take them up on that offer until my son is out of diapers. They don't do diapers. They don't plan things to do that are kid friendly and cannot handle when my children act like, well... act like children.

My mother in-law on the other hand.... I pay her to babysit on the days that I work. She is a wonderful woman, friend and grandmother to the kids. She has no problems with diapers, and enjoys them as children should be enjoyed. I am glad they have her, I am glad we have her.

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f6twister

I don't think what they are asking from you and your sister is unreasonable. You stated that they don't want to babysit all the time. To me, that sounds like they are willing to watch their grandchildren for a few hours every once in a while. At least that gives you a chance to go our for an evening alone or something like that. There should never be an expectation for the grandparents to spoil their grandchildren. My grandparents would let me have cookies when my parents weren't looking but never gave me anything for good behaviour, it was just expected.

Basically, as long as they are willing to be loving grandparents and not competely shutting out their grandchildren, your sister should respect your parents wishes. Your parents need to stand their ground.

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meembo

I'm suspicious about artificial relationships, and I think they are the most dangerous when they appear to be (or are assumed to be) intimate. People should never pretend about who and how they love anyone. I don't mean that as a value judgement -- people like your parents ought to be very honest about their feelings and especially their roles in an extended family.

My parents are in fine health, and they live 2,000 miles away. They choose their level of involvement, and fortunately for me as a parent, they are fairly involved.

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