Criticism of only child households - Rant, and whine - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

raeanna74 · 05-16-2005, 06:40 AM

I saw an old friend at the store last week. We chatted for quite a long time. It seems most of my childhood friends are ambitiously growing their families larger and larger. My best friend from elementary school is now waiting for her 6th child to be born any day. The friend I met at the store had 4 and is getting her tubes untied so that she can try for another while her youngest is only 4 yrs old. I've had relatives, parents and other friends ask us when our next child is gonna be coming. Our parents, both sets, seem quite understanding. As for everyone else - it's torture.

It didn't take long for her to ask when I'm gonna have my second child. I said "never". I told her that we wanted to get one of us fixed and just hadn't decided who or how yet. We have our reasons but I hate having to explain them. Most of the time once I've explained our reasons people at least accept it but until then I get the complaint that I'm not being fair to my daughter. They say she needs another sibling to play with, she won't learn to share, she's be selfish, she'll be bossy, she'll be lonely... on and on. The thing that bothers me most is that they're predicting DIRE results of our decision. Our daughter can grow to be independant, compassionate, and generous without having to deal with a younger sibling. I'm not even sure how to deal with people who say such things. I feel like I'm defending my daughter's character because they're practically saying she'll grow up messed up just because she never had a brother to hit her, break her toys, or take her stuff.

Our reasons for not attempting to conceive another child are numerous. One reason is my physical health. I had such edema during my first pregnancy that I could not see my ankles for half of the nine months. I also couldn't feel my hands for a good three months. I have carpal tunnel and the edema made it so bad that my hands were completely numb. Also I have already gotten a hernia as an indirect result of my last pregnancy. Another pregnancy that were to stretch me so much again would likely cause a hernia - perhaps even during pregnancy. Also I had a c-section after 23 hours of labor the last time. I do not relish the ordeal again. Also I must say that infants scare hubby. Their crying sends him into a panic worse than most parents experience. In tha situation he's not a great help. So consider, a crying infant, panicing father, and mother with a painful c-section (and in tears because of the pain) trying to change the infant because the father refuses to handle her. NOT what I'm going to put myself through again. Also one can include the costs of c-section delivery, recovery, lost income, and additional cost of diapers, and clothes. We're not interested in complicating our lives further.

Perhaps we rest a lot of hope and parental joy on our daughters shoulders but she seems to carry it well. She's a great child and smart. We're satisfied with her.

I hate going into detail for every person who asks "when's the next one?" but none of them seem pleased when we say "We're content with one." They all tell us how great multiple children are for them but not how great it is for the kids. Yet they seem to think that we are depraiving our child of companionship. In that case though I have a home childcare and she has friends that are practically sisters but without some of the less fun parts of sisterhood. How do you deal with it? How do you explain WITHOUT explaining in detail? It's frustrating, and irritating.

Thanks for listening.

SiN · 05-16-2005, 08:00 AM

Yaay for you choosing the 'only' route.

being an only myself, if ever I have children, I will make the same choice.

Some of the potential downfalls you've mentioned can be true, to a certain extent.

can. but not necessarily so.
(in my case at least, I think a large part of it can be attributed to having a single working mom, not so much just as an only child).

From what I've seen, you and Dei are great parents, and that you can focus your all on your daughter I think is really a bonus for her.

regarding the companionship - really, she will (have to) make her own friends. that simple, and I realised that even as a child, and didn't mind it one bit.

another plus - she may very well learn to be more independent than the 'average' woman in today's world, which I think, makes her a great addition to the future.

hope this helps a bit

raveneye · 05-16-2005, 08:16 AM

We also have just one child (daughter) and have no plans for another, at least in the forseeable future. Our neighbor across the street told us we have to have another, she needs a brother or sister to play with, or else she's going to be lonely, etc. etc. And we get the same thing from just about everybody who has children, either overt or implied in some way. It really is a stigma that is hard to ignore; just about all families we know here have two kids, which seems to be the socially preferred number here.

Ironically the neighbor always wanted a girl and has instead two boys, and our daughter loves the two boys, so she always goes over to their house after school and is treated like a little sister and daughter that they always wanted. The mom actually is making doll clothes for her dolls. She's like a member of their family half the time.

Since China adopted its one-child policy there have been many studies of one-child families there, and the psychological differences. They've found actually that children with siblings have more problems in general than children without siblings; and that kids without siblings actually seem to be better socialized for some reason.

Here's one study:

Quote:

Title: Health effects of family size: cross sectional survey in Chinese adolescents
Author(s): Hesketh T, Qu JD, Tomkins A
Source: ARCHIVES OF DISEASE IN CHILDHOOD 88 (6): 467-471 JUN 2003

Abstract: Aims: To determine whether only children differ in terms of morbidity, nutritional status, risk behaviours, and utilisation of health services from children with siblings, in China.

Methods: A cross sectional survey was carried out using self completion questionnaires, anthropometry, and haemoglobin measurement in middle schools (predominant age 12-16 years) in three distinct socioeconomic areas of Zhejiang province, eastern China.

Results: Data were obtained for 4197 participants. No significant differences were found between only children and those with siblings for some key indicators: underweight 19% v 18% suicide ideation 14% v 14%, and ever smoking 17% v 15%. Only children were more likely to be overweight (4.8% v 1.5%), and to have attended a doctor (71% v 63%) or dentist (17% v 10%) in the past year. Sibling children are significantly more likely to be anaemic (42% v 32%) and to admit to depression (41% v 21 %) or anxiety (45% v 37%). However, after adjusting for area, sex, and parental education levels only two differences remained: sibling children are more likely to be bullied (OR 1.5, 1.1-2.0; p = 0.006) and are less likely to confide in parents (OR 0.6, 0.3-0.8, p = 0.009). There were no significant differences in the key parameters between first and second born children.

Conclusions: We found no detrimental effects of being an only child using the indicators measured.. Being an only child may confer some benefits, particularly in terms of socialisation.

MSD · 05-16-2005, 09:24 AM

You could always retort by accusing them of conspiring to cause overpopulation. It's absurd that people always try to tell each other what's best for them, and we all need to stop doing it. From what I've seen of the two of you, I can't imagine your daughter will become anything other than a wonderful person, and it's easy for kids to make friends (I was always the "loser" and even I had a bunch of friends.) Children without siblings can easily learn to be independent and self-sufficient leaders as long as parents draw the line between pampering and spoiling them. In 30 years, you can laugh at your friend when her kids are working at your daughter's Fortue 500 company (that was a little bit mean, but I don't mean for it to be taken too seriously.)

God of Thunder · 05-16-2005, 09:29 AM

We get the same question on a regular basis. It seems you can never live up to other's expectations.

We waited 10 year after we were married to have our first, for many reasons, and had to endure the "So when are you having kids?" question the entire time. There were some people who would simply ask how many kids we had after they found out we had been married so long. It's as though there is a chart that references how many years you've been married, so therefore you should have x amount of kids.

Now that we've had Babygirl™ they ask, "So, when are you having another?" The worst is when they say "Well, don't you want her to have a brother?"

My answer always is "If it worked that way, yes" But, everyone knows that you roll the dice when you have kid and you get what you get. There is no way to guarantee a boy or a girl. And that really pisses me off. They act like I'm denying my daughter the ability to have a little brother by not having a second child.

A friend of our family has four boys. You wanna know why she had the last two? She was trying to have a girl. Not that the boys aren't loved and treated well, but that is a selfish reason to have kid.

I love my girl with all of my heart. She brings love and joy into my life in ways I could have never imagined. But, when and IF we are ready to have a second one, we will do so and take what we get. We will do it for our own reasons, not because we are expected to.

To all of you who put un-reasonable expectations on others, please do us all a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!

Thank you

raeanna74 · 05-16-2005, 03:55 PM

You guys are great.

This push to get other people to have children or multiple children seems so barbaric really. I thought we'd gotten past that "number of children" thing as being a status symbol or something. I'd rather have one child and do my best to raise them up right and give them the best chance of living their dreams than have 5 children, raise them all on welfare because it costs to much to feed that many mouth, and then have them go off and live off the government themselves. BTW the girl who I'd met in the store - she's on government assistance. She expressed concern about going back into the workforce. Apparently she has no education beyond highschool to fall back on. Sad, sad story all over again.

anti fishstick · 05-16-2005, 04:04 PM

My boyfriend and I are both only childs too. And we plan on having just one kid when we get around to it. I have never wanted more than 1. I used to think that I shouldn't "torture" them with the kind of childhood I had, but really, I think focusing on good parenting should be more important than whether or not they get a playmate sibling. It was my parents that really brought my childhood down, and *not* that I was an only child. I had plenty of playmates my age in the neighborhood, and I was fine. I'm not a spoiled brat. I'm actually quite level headed, self-disciplined, and independent.

shakran · 05-16-2005, 05:06 PM

I really hate it when people take it upon themselves to tell me how I should breed. It's not enough that they've got 27 kids, they want to make sure everyone else has 'em too. It's stupid, and they've always got bullshit reasons for them.

"They'll be lonely"
Bullshit! Kids have these new inventions called "friends." They also have things called parents. Both of these things can alleviate the loneliness.

"they'll be selfish"
I don't even know how to respond to this one. Some idiotic mouthbreather thought it up, and then all the sheep believed him. There's no evidence whatsoever to support this claim. I've met plenty of selfish bastards who had siblings.

The day people start worrying about their own families and stop worrying about everyone else's will be a great day.

lindseylatch · 05-16-2005, 05:24 PM

Ugh...When I have kids, I'm probably only going to have two (unless I end up with twins the second time or something). That will replace the hubby and me, population-wise. That's it. I don't want to contribute to the over population of the world, but I do want to contribute my genetics to the world. So two is my top limit.

Ha, and that whole "they'll be lonely". That's what my mom said when I tried to convince her to let me take my chihuahua...

Seeker · 05-16-2005, 05:38 PM

I have one child, a daughter. I was often asked when I was having a baby brother or sister.. many peoples reactions were 'shock and terror' when I stated.. oh no, I'm only having the one, one is plenty.

The fact that I didn't have a partner helped greatly as I could just state that considering I didn't have a partner then I wouldn't think about having another child.

I have found it is more difficult to raise one child as opposed to when there are 2+ children in a household. I often look at my friends who have at least 3 children, and I don't think they pay attention to the children the same way I pay attention to my daughter. Their kids are pretty much left to their own devices and the only time they get adult interaction is when they are in need of dicipline or they are given tasks. It may sound a bit harsh but I don't see them as being 'friends' with their children as I am with my daughter.

I think I am lucky that I have great communication and a friendship with my daughter (who is 12 now), we talk about everything from her problems at school to fun banter... she will talk with me about anything. I think it's a shame that my friends don't have that same relationship with their children.

I'm not saying that one child is the only way to go, and I know these other families have their own good and bad aspects. I think it boils down to the fact that people should be happy with what they have, and remember that what is good for the goose, may not always be good for the other goose.

getwonk'd · 05-17-2005, 01:32 PM

I wouldn't worry about what others say. I have four kids whom I love beyond words and would not ever give up. They are all part of me and each has there own special place in my life. Now here comes the BUT! I don't think it is anyones business how many kids you have or want to have whether it be one or one hundred. Kids are what the parents make them. Not what siblings make them. I've been through fights and broken toys and personally I don't have the patience for it. I am no mother of the year thats for sure. One is just fine with me. Maybe I should have thought about that 10 years ago.

clavus · 05-17-2005, 04:31 PM

the question:
"When are you going to have another child?"

the answer:
"When are people going to stop invasive, personal questions?"

```````````
the question:
"Why aren't you going to have another child?"

the answer:
"I don't want to bring another life into this world full of nosey people."

````````````````````````````
I've found that a firm, yet smiling "I don't want to talk about it" is actually a great answer to questions I do not wish to address. Most people are very cool with about it. People who are not cool about it are subject to my verbal barbs.

EULA · 05-18-2005, 01:58 PM

Wow, I would say that i can't believe people are telling you that you are dooming your only child to your face, but I can see that happening in real life.

Disk_Pusher · 05-18-2005, 02:02 PM

From an only daughter, I can tell you I'm not screwed up by it.

I'm not selfish, disturbed (Ok, maybe a little, but I blame that on the state of society, not my family), or any other manner of fucked up because of my household.

There's nothing wrong with not overpopulating the earth, and I agree with the idea that doing a great job with one child is more valuable than doing a half-assed job with 2 to... however many you pop out.

Redlemon · 05-18-2005, 02:03 PM

This is a tough one for me; we presently have one child. I don't want another, but my wife does. With everything else, we can discuss things rationally (we are both engineers), but she admits that she doesn't have a "reason" in this case, just a strong desire. Part of it is that she has a very strong emotional bond to her sister, and I don't have the same with my sister (I like her, but we didn't interact that much growing up). Still working on this, don't know how to resolve it.

lindseylatch · 05-18-2005, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Redlemon

This is a tough one for me; we presently have one child. I don't want another, but my wife does. With everything else, we can discuss things rationally (we are both engineers), but she admits that she doesn't have a "reason" in this case, just a strong desire. Part of it is that she has a very strong emotional bond to her sister, and I don't have the same with my sister (I like her, but we didn't interact that much growing up). Still working on this, don't know how to resolve it.

well, there is always that biological drive to have children. Many women have an overpowering urge to have kids, and with no logical "reason" behind it.
Not all, obviously, but a lot.
Have you tried to tell her why you don't want more kids? Maybe logic will overcome hormones.

clavus · 05-18-2005, 04:35 PM

Yo, Redlemon - here's some unsolicited advice. Don't be afraid to change your mind. I was in your shoes. The only difference is that my wife is smarter than 99% of everybody and has several degrees to her name, whereas I am...well...I'm not so bright. So it wasn't an even fight. She wanted another kid. I did not. I eventually decided my wife was right...again. And what do ya know? She was right...again. Two kids works out great for us. Maybe two kids is not right for you. I'm very glad that I had the courage to ditch my pride and change my mind.

Sage · 05-18-2005, 06:25 PM

I totally agree with what Seeker said- you have a much more personal relationship with your only child because they're the only kid you have to pay attention to. Now, if you let it, this can lead to "only child syndrome" which I have seen more people with siblings have than only children. Take me and Martel, for instance. Martel is about as easy going as it gets, go with the flow, have lots of friends, well balanced, etc. Me, I have two older (+13 and 15 years, respectively) brothers, and I am a princess and know it. I want my way, I HATE things to change if I don't initiate the change, and I know how to throw a mean hissy fit. I think that it's all in the kids' personality and the support or lack of from the parent(s)

SororityGirl · 05-18-2005, 06:30 PM

I have one child - am pregnant with my second. I can't believe I already get asked about how many more I'll have. Like I need to breeded or something...

Having been pregnant and through labor at least once, I'd completely back off if a mother with an only child told me she didn't want to go through her labor experience again!

snowy · 05-18-2005, 06:53 PM

I have seen only children with Only Child Syndrome and I have seen only children without it. It's your prerogative, given you recognize the pitfalls as well as the benefits of only having one child. Socialization with other children is a must, as is avoidance of spoiling (I had one friend whose parents would give into her anytime she had a tantrum as a child...as an adult, she's still spoiled though what's worse is she doesn't realize it).

Being an only child doesn't have to be a disadvantage.

And I agree with clavus--tell people to mind their own damn business.

Redlemon · 05-19-2005, 05:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lindseylatch

Have you tried to tell her why you don't want more kids? Maybe logic will overcome hormones.

Yes, but it is hard to debate with only one side of "facts". My wife admits that it is entirely unfair that she can't back up her side of the debate (she hates to be ruled by emotions), and it frustrates her as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by clavus

Yo, Redlemon - here's some unsolicited advice. Don't be afraid to change your mind.

No problem, unsolicited advice is what this board is all about

. One major point in her favor is that I was pretty unsure about having the first kid as well, and I love my boy.

Meditrina · 05-19-2005, 06:05 AM

I think it is a personal decision to have children, no matter how many you decide to have. Seems like people get criticized for have 1 or for having more than 3. People should mind their own business. My daughter was an only child for 5 years and she never showed any signs of "The only child syndrome". I believe it is all in how you raise them. You can have more than 1 child and they can be just as bratty as an only child. The decision for us to have another child was not because of my daughter, but rather because of me. I wanted another one. My husband came from a large family and for a long time only wanted 1 child, so he could provide for her what he did not have himself. Shortly after 9-11, he changed his mind. We are not having any more, even though people keep asking us when we are having more. We are comfortable with 2 and if you are comfortable with 1, then that is good for you as well. I hope people get off your back about having more children, it is none of their business.

pinkie · 05-19-2005, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clavus

Yo, Redlemon - here's some unsolicited advice. Don't be afraid to change your mind. I was in your shoes. The only difference is that my wife is smarter than 99% of everybody and has several degrees to her name, whereas I am...well...I'm not so bright. So it wasn't an even fight. She wanted another kid. I did not. I eventually decided my wife was right...again. And what do ya know? She was right...again. Two kids works out great for us. Maybe two kids is not right for you. I'm very glad that I had the courage to ditch my pride and change my mind.

Number one, I agree with you. It's up to the woman, it's her body, and mommies call the shots, daddies offer discipline, guidance, and protection. Most daddies are clueless until baby is older anyway. Regardless, if you love her and trust her, you have them. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone, but I honestly feel that part of understanding yourself is having a child. Part of knowing devotion and unconditional love is being a parent. Part of being human is procreation.

Secondly, I've never felt about other kids the way I feel about my own. You can't judge whether you want a child by other peoples’ children or your experience with other kids in general. It's something you just can’t make a clear judgement about until you've walked in the shoes of a parent, and know the love that exists there.

edit: That's not to say that I don't respect people's decisions not to have children. Everyone is different, and people have their reasons or simply cannot. Not to mention, some people shouldn't have children...

Children are so much more rewarding than they are "a hassle." I learned what true love was when I had my daughter. She's grown up an only child, and she'll be 14 next month. However, after all these years of saying I didn't want another, I now am leaning toward having a second baby.

Never close your mind to change.

joeb1 · 05-19-2005, 11:19 AM

I will have to "echo" most of pinkies opinion on the matter. A Wise Lady! Of course I am not most daddies. But I believe that it is my resposiblity to nurture. And take responsibility for the care of our children. Along with offering the normal daddy attributes. I know I can never match the love and care my wife provides. It seems that women are inheritly better at this.

You just do what is right for you! We have multiple children. I can respect your choice to only have one. To each her own. And if you feel one is just right for you. Then it is right. Damn what other people say or do. Including me!

If anything, you have to watch out for your health. If you feel you would be in danger while having the second. Then by all means don't do it.

Lead543 · 05-20-2005, 03:11 PM

You're allowed to have as many or as few children as you'd like. You're doing the best thing by looking out for your health.

I have two brothers and neither one of them acted as companionship to me. My female friends were who taught me to share. Cmmon, like my brother's were going to argue over my Barbies and teaset.

You're aware of issues that could arise which is the best thing in preventing them. When someone doesn't seem to be satisfied with your answer of we're content with just one, smile sweetly and say; "Well I think my husband and I know what's best for our family." That's all the reasoning anyone should need.

veruca · 05-20-2005, 08:46 PM

I am an only...and am one of the most well-adjusted, friendly, caring NORMAL person you will ever meet. I never wanted siblings...I saw the way my friends brothers and sisters treated them...and my quiet, book reading, toy playing, all the attention getting life was awesome. The people I know with siblings are way more crazy than the only's that I know.
Tell those people to shut it and mind their own business. It will only take once, and they won't ask again.

Ustwo · 05-20-2005, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrSelfDestruct

You could always retort by accusing them of conspiring to cause overpopulation.

Just a side note, overpopulation was one of the many alarmist myths of the 80's. Also most developed nations are shrinking not growing.

That being said for no real reason, I can understand the frustration at being asked when you will have more kids etc. I've been asked that question for the last 6 years, until the birth of my first child. Now they are asking when we plan to have a second. At the same time, there is nothing evil in so asking. In history large families have been the norm and needed for survival. Its only recently we have had the luxury of saying 'I will have one child' and have a resonable chance of knowing that child will live to adulthood. Calling it barbaric is a bit harsh to say the least. Also while I don't think being an only child has any real negative effects on a person, I'm glad I have brothers and sisters.

So while I fully respect your desire to have only one child, don't be to hard on people for asking. Its one of those things you ask of people when you have nothing else to say.

1. So whats your major?
2. So when are you getting married?
3. So when are you haveing kids?
4. So when are you having another kid?
5. So when is your kid getting married?
6. Any grandkids yet?

My question to you is why does it bother you so much? Do you wish to have more children emotionaly but are making the decision not to based on your health?

Gilda · 05-20-2005, 10:58 PM

I was the oldest, with my twin, of 9 children (technically she was older, by four minutes, but thats splitting hairs). My mom, from the time she was married, didn't feel like a mother unless she had a little one at home, and my Dad's an old-school pre Vaican II Catholic, which means he was all for having a new one every 4-5 years until they couldn't have more. My youngest sister is now 6 (22 years younger), and my mom didn't stop until she couldn't have more. Being the oldest in a large family has its ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade any of my siblings for the world.

Grace is from a family with seven kids.

So what are we planning? One to start, then wait at least three to four years and decide then. Neither of us wants the stress that comes from being parents of that many kids.

Oldest children tend to mature fastest, do best in school, are more assertive, have better self confidence, and . . . have other psychological advantages I can't think of right now.

Only children are psychologically similar to oldest children, and very similar to oldest children when there is a five year gap or more. Interestingly, younger children get the same advantages as oldest and onlies when there is a five year gap. Children seem to do best when they are the only child at the same developmental stage in a family. This comes, by the way, from a birth order book I read a few years ago, whose name I don't recall. Maybe, The Birth Order Book? Something like that.

Nobody in my family gets the questions yet; because I can't have kids and am in a same sex marriage, nobody asks me or Grace; everyone assumes (wrongly and stupidly) that Sissy doesn't want children (she does; not being able to have them does not lessen the desire), and next in line is 17. My brother graduates high school tomorrow; I wonder when he'll start getting the marriage / family questions. Those are kinda assumed in a devoutly Catholic / Russian orthodox family.

When I was dating my last boyfriend, and took him home to meet the parents, I did get besieged with the when are you getting married questions; it was assumed that we'd have children right away and have a big family. It's very annoying that people assume that what's best for them is what's best for everyone.

MSD · 05-21-2005, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Redlemon

This is a tough one for me; we presently have one child. I don't want another, but my wife does. With everything else, we can discuss things rationally (we are both engineers), but she admits that she doesn't have a "reason" in this case, just a strong desire. Part of it is that she has a very strong emotional bond to her sister, and I don't have the same with my sister (I like her, but we didn't interact that much growing up). Still working on this, don't know how to resolve it.

I think you have the right idea. She doesn't want to deprive a child of something that made her childhood so wonderful. My little brother has always been a great friend as well as a sibling (he's 4 years younger, but we're often mistaken for identical twins.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ustwo

Just a side note, overpopulation was one of the many alarmist myths of the 80's. Also most developed nations are shrinking not growing.

Yes, but if most people still believe it, it's a good way to make them shut up.

Zeraph · 05-22-2005, 04:25 PM

Overpopulation is a matter of perspective. IMO we still need a lot less humans

mokle · 05-24-2005, 04:45 AM

People tend to stick to their beliefs, usually forged by their own experiences.

In my life, I'd wager a guess that 90% of the sibling-less people I know fall into the steriotypical cliche of stubborness, rudeness, being sheltered, problems with sharing, etc...

I don't preach to people to have more than 1, that's their call, but I know I'd never have just 1, if I did end up having children.

maleficent · 05-24-2005, 04:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raveneye

Our neighbor across the street told us we have to have another, she needs a brother or sister to play with, or else she's going to be lonely, etc. etc.:

That's such a stupid argument when people make it... My sister and I are 18 months apart...never in all our childhood did we play together... My brother is 20 months younger than me... It took us 35 years for us to want to spend time togther. It's stupid to assume that two siblings will be built in playmates.

Having many kids has one useful benefit that I can see.. When mom and dad are old and feeble, it's more people to push the parents off on, or more people to pick up the tab for the nursing home because mom and dad had no money for retirement after raising all those kids

Cynthetiq · 05-24-2005, 06:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clavus

the question:
"When are you going to have another child?"

the answer:
"When are people going to stop invasive, personal questions?"

```````````
the question:
"Why aren't you going to have another child?"

the answer:
"I don't want to bring another life into this world full of nosey people."

````````````````````````````
I've found that a firm, yet smiling "I don't want to talk about it" is actually a great answer to questions I do not wish to address. Most people are very cool with about it. People who are not cool about it are subject to my verbal barbs.

Ahhhh I miss the Mad Snappy Answer to Stupid Questions Books.

Biscuit Buns · 06-18-2005, 01:04 PM

I've been through the explaination so many times as to why I only want one, that now, I just say, "I'm happy with one," and smile. If they persist, I just repeat the same words with the same tone. Since having a child, I have much more patience than the people I encounter who feel the need to dispense unsolicited life therapy.

And if I change my mind later, it's up to me and my family, and that's that.

Derwood · 06-24-2005, 05:26 AM

The people who ask you why you aren't having more kids are the same people who will ask you any number of personal, invasive questions. Believe me, I've had complete strangers come up to me and tell me I'm doing something wrong in regards to my kid (one time I was holding her in a restaurant parking lot waiting for the car and she didn't have shoes on. It was 60 degrees out and she was outside for all of 2 minutes, but in that short time, some lady drove up and yelled at me for endangering my kids life. WTF?)

I have no problem if you want just 1 kid. "Only Child Syndrome" isn't a myth, but it isn't applicable to everyone. My cousin is an only child, and she was always surrounded by friends and family. The only time I ever heard her say she wished she had a sibling was 10 years ago when her father passed away. She wished she had someone to share her grief with (besides her mom).

Then again, my wife's cousin is a total brat, and I had knew a guy in college who was the poster child for "only child syndrome." I think most people's idea with multiple kids is that they will be forced to learn to compromise, share and genreally understand that they aren't the center of the universe. These values can be taught to only children as well so long as you don't dote on them and treat them like they are the center of the universe.

/2 cents

God of Thunder · 06-24-2005, 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ustwo

My question to you is why does it bother you so much?

It's not the question so much as it is the reaction to my answer. Most people end up being shocked, amazed, flabbergasted, etc... that I wish to raise a child as an only child.

Most of the time the question is phrased "When are you going to have your next child?" instead of "Are you going to"

My anger/frustration comes at their dissapointment of me not living up to their expectations.

I don't mind if you ask questions, just be prepared to accept my answer.

Elphaba · 06-24-2005, 03:44 PM

My mother confessed to me once that my younger sister was intended to be my playmate. She bought the "advice" and later realized that was the worst reason to have a second child. A second child should be chosen for itself, not just to be a living breathing toy for your first born.

A polite smile and this response usually works for all but the totally crass... "Why do you ask?"

Grasshopper Green · 12-28-2005, 06:48 PM

I hate to raise a dead thread, but...

I am SO sick of getting this from people. Especially from coworkers. I guess because I live in Utah and the norm is to have as many kids as you can squish into a Suburban, that that must be what EVERYONE wants in life. I don't want another kid. I love my son to death and he alone is enough for me. I guess I'm selfish... I don't want to go through another pregnancy, another two+ years of changing dirty diapers, another six months of getting up 2-3 times per night, and no, I don't think that my son NEEDS a sibling to be happy. I hated my brother until I was about 18...he made my life a living hell as a child. Gee...I guess everyone wants that, huh?

I was having lunch with some coworkers the other day when this came up (again). Another coworker butted into the convo saying she would never have only one child because they are all selfish, snotty, and don't know how to behave around others. I just don't understand why people think it's cool to do this. If people could learn to shut the fuck up about things that aren't their business, the world would be a much better place. I'm stealing a line from Clavus next time someone asks me this.

Ok, I feel better getting that off my chest

Gilda · 12-28-2005, 07:12 PM

Any "advice" which involves telling other people that their family structure is wrong is annoying at the least and rude at the worst.

Gilda

Eweser · 12-29-2005, 11:20 AM

I don't believe it's anyone's business why or why not you have any or 40 kids (okay, I'm exaggerating). I grew up with a younger brother who I wouldn't trade for anything, and I mean anything, but I realize that not all, or even many siblings have a relationship like we do. I also have a younger sister, by 19 years, and have heard my Mom say that she wishes she would have had another right away for her to play with. My Mom barely has patience for my little sister....My sister is a very smart girl. I don't see her as being any more spoiled or unsocial as my brother and I. Actually, she's much better in a social situation than I am.

Personally, I'm not planning on any children. There are multiple reasons for this and I do get tired of the "When are ya'll going to have kids?" question. Plural, not even singular. I just smile and say "we're not" in a tone that doesn't invite the discussion to continue.

05-16-2005, 06:40 AM	#1 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Criticism of only child households - Rant, and whine I saw an old friend at the store last week. We chatted for quite a long time. It seems most of my childhood friends are ambitiously growing their families larger and larger. My best friend from elementary school is now waiting for her 6th child to be born any day. The friend I met at the store had 4 and is getting her tubes untied so that she can try for another while her youngest is only 4 yrs old. I've had relatives, parents and other friends ask us when our next child is gonna be coming. Our parents, both sets, seem quite understanding. As for everyone else - it's torture. It didn't take long for her to ask when I'm gonna have my second child. I said "never". I told her that we wanted to get one of us fixed and just hadn't decided who or how yet. We have our reasons but I hate having to explain them. Most of the time once I've explained our reasons people at least accept it but until then I get the complaint that I'm not being fair to my daughter. They say she needs another sibling to play with, she won't learn to share, she's be selfish, she'll be bossy, she'll be lonely... on and on. The thing that bothers me most is that they're predicting DIRE results of our decision. Our daughter can grow to be independant, compassionate, and generous without having to deal with a younger sibling. I'm not even sure how to deal with people who say such things. I feel like I'm defending my daughter's character because they're practically saying she'll grow up messed up just because she never had a brother to hit her, break her toys, or take her stuff. Our reasons for not attempting to conceive another child are numerous. One reason is my physical health. I had such edema during my first pregnancy that I could not see my ankles for half of the nine months. I also couldn't feel my hands for a good three months. I have carpal tunnel and the edema made it so bad that my hands were completely numb. Also I have already gotten a hernia as an indirect result of my last pregnancy. Another pregnancy that were to stretch me so much again would likely cause a hernia - perhaps even during pregnancy. Also I had a c-section after 23 hours of labor the last time. I do not relish the ordeal again. Also I must say that infants scare hubby. Their crying sends him into a panic worse than most parents experience. In tha situation he's not a great help. So consider, a crying infant, panicing father, and mother with a painful c-section (and in tears because of the pain) trying to change the infant because the father refuses to handle her. NOT what I'm going to put myself through again. Also one can include the costs of c-section delivery, recovery, lost income, and additional cost of diapers, and clothes. We're not interested in complicating our lives further. Perhaps we rest a lot of hope and parental joy on our daughters shoulders but she seems to carry it well. She's a great child and smart. We're satisfied with her. I hate going into detail for every person who asks "when's the next one?" but none of them seem pleased when we say "We're content with one." They all tell us how great multiple children are for them but not how great it is for the kids. Yet they seem to think that we are depraiving our child of companionship. In that case though I have a home childcare and she has friends that are practically sisters but without some of the less fun parts of sisterhood. How do you deal with it? How do you explain WITHOUT explaining in detail? It's frustrating, and irritating. Thanks for listening. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

05-16-2005, 08:00 AM	#2 (permalink)
SiN strangelove Location: ...more here than there...	Yaay for you choosing the 'only' route. being an only myself, if ever I have children, I will make the same choice. Some of the potential downfalls you've mentioned can be true, to a certain extent. can. but not necessarily so. (in my case at least, I think a large part of it can be attributed to having a single working mom, not so much just as an only child). From what I've seen, you and Dei are great parents, and that you can focus your all on your daughter I think is really a bonus for her. regarding the companionship - really, she will (have to) make her own friends. that simple, and I realised that even as a child, and didn't mind it one bit. another plus - she may very well learn to be more independent than the 'average' woman in today's world, which I think, makes her a great addition to the future. hope this helps a bit __________________ - + - ° GiRLie GeeK ° - + - ° 01110010011011110110111101110100001000000110110101100101 Therell be days/When Ill stray/I may appear to be/Constantly out of reach/I give in to sin/Because I like to practise what I preach

05-16-2005, 09:29 AM	#5 (permalink)
God of Thunder Talk nerdy to me Location: Flint, MI	We get the same question on a regular basis. It seems you can never live up to other's expectations. We waited 10 year after we were married to have our first, for many reasons, and had to endure the "So when are you having kids?" question the entire time. There were some people who would simply ask how many kids we had after they found out we had been married so long. It's as though there is a chart that references how many years you've been married, so therefore you should have x amount of kids. Now that we've had Babygirl™ they ask, "So, when are you having another?" The worst is when they say "Well, don't you want her to have a brother?" My answer always is "If it worked that way, yes" But, everyone knows that you roll the dice when you have kid and you get what you get. There is no way to guarantee a boy or a girl. And that really pisses me off. They act like I'm denying my daughter the ability to have a little brother by not having a second child. A friend of our family has four boys. You wanna know why she had the last two? She was trying to have a girl. Not that the boys aren't loved and treated well, but that is a selfish reason to have kid. I love my girl with all of my heart. She brings love and joy into my life in ways I could have never imagined. But, when and IF we are ready to have a second one, we will do so and take what we get. We will do it for our own reasons, not because we are expected to. To all of you who put un-reasonable expectations on others, please do us all a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!! Thank you __________________ I reject your reality, and substitute my own -- Adam Savage

05-16-2005, 03:55 PM	#6 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	You guys are great. This push to get other people to have children or multiple children seems so barbaric really. I thought we'd gotten past that "number of children" thing as being a status symbol or something. I'd rather have one child and do my best to raise them up right and give them the best chance of living their dreams than have 5 children, raise them all on welfare because it costs to much to feed that many mouth, and then have them go off and live off the government themselves. BTW the girl who I'd met in the store - she's on government assistance. She expressed concern about going back into the workforce. Apparently she has no education beyond highschool to fall back on. Sad, sad story all over again. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

05-16-2005, 04:04 PM	#7 (permalink)
anti fishstick Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash Location: oregon	My boyfriend and I are both only childs too. And we plan on having just one kid when we get around to it. I have never wanted more than 1. I used to think that I shouldn't "torture" them with the kind of childhood I had, but really, I think focusing on good parenting should be more important than whether or not they get a playmate sibling. It was my parents that really brought my childhood down, and not that I was an only child. I had plenty of playmates my age in the neighborhood, and I was fine. I'm not a spoiled brat. I'm actually quite level headed, self-disciplined, and independent. __________________ And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anais Nin

05-16-2005, 09:24 AM	#4 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	You could always retort by accusing them of conspiring to cause overpopulation. It's absurd that people always try to tell each other what's best for them, and we all need to stop doing it. From what I've seen of the two of you, I can't imagine your daughter will become anything other than a wonderful person, and it's easy for kids to make friends (I was always the "loser" and even I had a bunch of friends.) Children without siblings can easily learn to be independent and self-sufficient leaders as long as parents draw the line between pampering and spoiling them. In 30 years, you can laugh at your friend when her kids are working at your daughter's Fortue 500 company (that was a little bit mean, but I don't mean for it to be taken too seriously.)

05-16-2005, 05:06 PM	#8 (permalink)
shakran Tone.	I really hate it when people take it upon themselves to tell me how I should breed. It's not enough that they've got 27 kids, they want to make sure everyone else has 'em too. It's stupid, and they've always got bullshit reasons for them. "They'll be lonely" Bullshit! Kids have these new inventions called "friends." They also have things called parents. Both of these things can alleviate the loneliness. "they'll be selfish" I don't even know how to respond to this one. Some idiotic mouthbreather thought it up, and then all the sheep believed him. There's no evidence whatsoever to support this claim. I've met plenty of selfish bastards who had siblings. The day people start worrying about their own families and stop worrying about everyone else's will be a great day.

05-16-2005, 05:24 PM	#9 (permalink)
lindseylatch Addict Location: Seattle, WA	Ugh...When I have kids, I'm probably only going to have two (unless I end up with twins the second time or something). That will replace the hubby and me, population-wise. That's it. I don't want to contribute to the over population of the world, but I do want to contribute my genetics to the world. So two is my top limit. Ha, and that whole "they'll be lonely". That's what my mom said when I tried to convince her to let me take my chihuahua... __________________ "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -Voltaire

05-16-2005, 05:38 PM	#10 (permalink)
Seeker Getting Clearer Location: with spirit	I have one child, a daughter. I was often asked when I was having a baby brother or sister.. many peoples reactions were 'shock and terror' when I stated.. oh no, I'm only having the one, one is plenty. The fact that I didn't have a partner helped greatly as I could just state that considering I didn't have a partner then I wouldn't think about having another child. I have found it is more difficult to raise one child as opposed to when there are 2+ children in a household. I often look at my friends who have at least 3 children, and I don't think they pay attention to the children the same way I pay attention to my daughter. Their kids are pretty much left to their own devices and the only time they get adult interaction is when they are in need of dicipline or they are given tasks. It may sound a bit harsh but I don't see them as being 'friends' with their children as I am with my daughter. I think I am lucky that I have great communication and a friendship with my daughter (who is 12 now), we talk about everything from her problems at school to fun banter... she will talk with me about anything. I think it's a shame that my friends don't have that same relationship with their children. I'm not saying that one child is the only way to go, and I know these other families have their own good and bad aspects. I think it boils down to the fact that people should be happy with what they have, and remember that what is good for the goose, may not always be good for the other goose. __________________ *To those who wander but who are not lost...* ~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

05-17-2005, 01:32 PM	#11 (permalink)
getwonk'd Tilted Location: Central Wisconsin	I wouldn't worry about what others say. I have four kids whom I love beyond words and would not ever give up. They are all part of me and each has there own special place in my life. Now here comes the BUT! I don't think it is anyones business how many kids you have or want to have whether it be one or one hundred. Kids are what the parents make them. Not what siblings make them. I've been through fights and broken toys and personally I don't have the patience for it. I am no mother of the year thats for sure. One is just fine with me. Maybe I should have thought about that 10 years ago.

05-17-2005, 04:31 PM	#12 (permalink)
clavus pow! Location: NorCal	the question: "When are you going to have another child?" the answer: "When are people going to stop invasive, personal questions?" ``````````` the question: "Why aren't you going to have another child?" the answer: "I don't want to bring another life into this world full of nosey people." ```````````````````````````` I've found that a firm, yet smiling "I don't want to talk about it" is actually a great answer to questions I do not wish to address. Most people are very cool with about it. People who are not cool about it are subject to my verbal barbs. __________________ Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

05-18-2005, 01:58 PM	#13 (permalink)
EULA Crazy Location: Bowling Green, KY	Wow, I would say that i can't believe people are telling you that you are dooming your only child to your face, but I can see that happening in real life.

05-18-2005, 02:02 PM	#14 (permalink)
Disk_Pusher Tilted Location: Fresno, soon to be Sacramento!	From an only daughter, I can tell you I'm not screwed up by it. I'm not selfish, disturbed (Ok, maybe a little, but I blame that on the state of society, not my family), or any other manner of fucked up because of my household. There's nothing wrong with not overpopulating the earth, and I agree with the idea that doing a great job with one child is more valuable than doing a half-assed job with 2 to... however many you pop out.

05-18-2005, 02:03 PM	#15 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	This is a tough one for me; we presently have one child. I don't want another, but my wife does. With everything else, we can discuss things rationally (we are both engineers), but she admits that she doesn't have a "reason" in this case, just a strong desire. Part of it is that she has a very strong emotional bond to her sister, and I don't have the same with my sister (I like her, but we didn't interact that much growing up). Still working on this, don't know how to resolve it. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

05-18-2005, 04:35 PM	#17 (permalink)
clavus pow! Location: NorCal	Yo, Redlemon - here's some unsolicited advice. Don't be afraid to change your mind. I was in your shoes. The only difference is that my wife is smarter than 99% of everybody and has several degrees to her name, whereas I am...well...I'm not so bright. So it wasn't an even fight. She wanted another kid. I did not. I eventually decided my wife was right...again. And what do ya know? She was right...again. Two kids works out great for us. Maybe two kids is not right for you. I'm very glad that I had the courage to ditch my pride and change my mind. __________________ Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

05-18-2005, 06:25 PM	#18 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	I totally agree with what Seeker said- you have a much more personal relationship with your only child because they're the only kid you have to pay attention to. Now, if you let it, this can lead to "only child syndrome" which I have seen more people with siblings have than only children. Take me and Martel, for instance. Martel is about as easy going as it gets, go with the flow, have lots of friends, well balanced, etc. Me, I have two older (+13 and 15 years, respectively) brothers, and I am a princess and know it. I want my way, I HATE things to change if I don't initiate the change, and I know how to throw a mean hissy fit. I think that it's all in the kids' personality and the support or lack of from the parent(s) __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

05-18-2005, 06:30 PM	#19 (permalink)
SororityGirl Upright Location: BFE PeeAy	I have one child - am pregnant with my second. I can't believe I already get asked about how many more I'll have. Like I need to breeded or something... Having been pregnant and through labor at least once, I'd completely back off if a mother with an only child told me she didn't want to go through her labor experience again! Last edited by SororityGirl; 05-18-2005 at 06:31 PM.. Reason: spelling

05-18-2005, 06:53 PM	#20 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	I have seen only children with Only Child Syndrome and I have seen only children without it. It's your prerogative, given you recognize the pitfalls as well as the benefits of only having one child. Socialization with other children is a must, as is avoidance of spoiling (I had one friend whose parents would give into her anytime she had a tantrum as a child...as an adult, she's still spoiled though what's worse is she doesn't realize it). Being an only child doesn't have to be a disadvantage. And I agree with clavus--tell people to mind their own damn business. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

05-19-2005, 06:05 AM	#22 (permalink)
Meditrina Junkie Location: LI,NY	I think it is a personal decision to have children, no matter how many you decide to have. Seems like people get criticized for have 1 or for having more than 3. People should mind their own business. My daughter was an only child for 5 years and she never showed any signs of "The only child syndrome". I believe it is all in how you raise them. You can have more than 1 child and they can be just as bratty as an only child. The decision for us to have another child was not because of my daughter, but rather because of me. I wanted another one. My husband came from a large family and for a long time only wanted 1 child, so he could provide for her what he did not have himself. Shortly after 9-11, he changed his mind. We are not having any more, even though people keep asking us when we are having more. We are comfortable with 2 and if you are comfortable with 1, then that is good for you as well. I hope people get off your back about having more children, it is none of their business. __________________ "Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

05-19-2005, 11:19 AM	#24 (permalink)
joeb1 Crazy Location: Over Yonder	I will have to "echo" most of pinkies opinion on the matter. A Wise Lady! Of course I am not most daddies. But I believe that it is my resposiblity to nurture. And take responsibility for the care of our children. Along with offering the normal daddy attributes. I know I can never match the love and care my wife provides. It seems that women are inheritly better at this. You just do what is right for you! We have multiple children. I can respect your choice to only have one. To each her own. And if you feel one is just right for you. Then it is right. Damn what other people say or do. Including me! If anything, you have to watch out for your health. If you feel you would be in danger while having the second. Then by all means don't do it. __________________ Disco Duck...

05-20-2005, 03:11 PM	#25 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	You're allowed to have as many or as few children as you'd like. You're doing the best thing by looking out for your health. I have two brothers and neither one of them acted as companionship to me. My female friends were who taught me to share. Cmmon, like my brother's were going to argue over my Barbies and teaset. You're aware of issues that could arise which is the best thing in preventing them. When someone doesn't seem to be satisfied with your answer of we're content with just one, smile sweetly and say; "Well I think my husband and I know what's best for our family." That's all the reasoning anyone should need.

05-20-2005, 08:46 PM	#26 (permalink)
veruca Psycho Location: 4 privet drive	I am an only...and am one of the most well-adjusted, friendly, caring NORMAL person you will ever meet. I never wanted siblings...I saw the way my friends brothers and sisters treated them...and my quiet, book reading, toy playing, all the attention getting life was awesome. The people I know with siblings are way more crazy than the only's that I know. Tell those people to shut it and mind their own business. It will only take once, and they won't ask again. __________________ How you turned my world, you precious thing You starve and near exhaust me Everything I've done, I've done for you I move the stars for no one

05-20-2005, 10:58 PM	#28 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	I was the oldest, with my twin, of 9 children (technically she was older, by four minutes, but thats splitting hairs). My mom, from the time she was married, didn't feel like a mother unless she had a little one at home, and my Dad's an old-school pre Vaican II Catholic, which means he was all for having a new one every 4-5 years until they couldn't have more. My youngest sister is now 6 (22 years younger), and my mom didn't stop until she couldn't have more. Being the oldest in a large family has its ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade any of my siblings for the world. Grace is from a family with seven kids. So what are we planning? One to start, then wait at least three to four years and decide then. Neither of us wants the stress that comes from being parents of that many kids. Oldest children tend to mature fastest, do best in school, are more assertive, have better self confidence, and . . . have other psychological advantages I can't think of right now. Only children are psychologically similar to oldest children, and very similar to oldest children when there is a five year gap or more. Interestingly, younger children get the same advantages as oldest and onlies when there is a five year gap. Children seem to do best when they are the only child at the same developmental stage in a family. This comes, by the way, from a birth order book I read a few years ago, whose name I don't recall. Maybe, The Birth Order Book? Something like that. Nobody in my family gets the questions yet; because I can't have kids and am in a same sex marriage, nobody asks me or Grace; everyone assumes (wrongly and stupidly) that Sissy doesn't want children (she does; not being able to have them does not lessen the desire), and next in line is 17. My brother graduates high school tomorrow; I wonder when he'll start getting the marriage / family questions. Those are kinda assumed in a devoutly Catholic / Russian orthodox family. When I was dating my last boyfriend, and took him home to meet the parents, I did get besieged with the when are you getting married questions; it was assumed that we'd have children right away and have a big family. It's very annoying that people assume that what's best for them is what's best for everyone. __________________ I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that. ~Steven Colbert

05-22-2005, 04:25 PM	#30 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	Overpopulation is a matter of perspective. IMO we still need a lot less humans

05-24-2005, 04:45 AM	#31 (permalink)
mokle Psycho Location: Alberta, Canada	People tend to stick to their beliefs, usually forged by their own experiences. In my life, I'd wager a guess that 90% of the sibling-less people I know fall into the steriotypical cliche of stubborness, rudeness, being sheltered, problems with sharing, etc... I don't preach to people to have more than 1, that's their call, but I know I'd never have just 1, if I did end up having children. __________________ Mokle "Your hands can't hit what your eyes can't see" -Ali

06-18-2005, 01:04 PM	#34 (permalink)
Biscuit Buns Four of Wands Location: Somewhere entirely too hot.	I've been through the explaination so many times as to why I only want one, that now, I just say, "I'm happy with one," and smile. If they persist, I just repeat the same words with the same tone. Since having a child, I have much more patience than the people I encounter who feel the need to dispense unsolicited life therapy. And if I change my mind later, it's up to me and my family, and that's that. __________________ A hard man is good to find. ~Mae West

06-24-2005, 05:26 AM	#35 (permalink)
Derwood Who You Crappin? Location: Everywhere and Nowhere	The people who ask you why you aren't having more kids are the same people who will ask you any number of personal, invasive questions. Believe me, I've had complete strangers come up to me and tell me I'm doing something wrong in regards to my kid (one time I was holding her in a restaurant parking lot waiting for the car and she didn't have shoes on. It was 60 degrees out and she was outside for all of 2 minutes, but in that short time, some lady drove up and yelled at me for endangering my kids life. WTF?) I have no problem if you want just 1 kid. "Only Child Syndrome" isn't a myth, but it isn't applicable to everyone. My cousin is an only child, and she was always surrounded by friends and family. The only time I ever heard her say she wished she had a sibling was 10 years ago when her father passed away. She wished she had someone to share her grief with (besides her mom). Then again, my wife's cousin is a total brat, and I had knew a guy in college who was the poster child for "only child syndrome." I think most people's idea with multiple kids is that they will be forced to learn to compromise, share and genreally understand that they aren't the center of the universe. These values can be taught to only children as well so long as you don't dote on them and treat them like they are the center of the universe. /2 cents __________________ "You can't shoot a country until it becomes a democracy." - Willravel

06-24-2005, 03:44 PM	#37 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	My mother confessed to me once that my younger sister was intended to be my playmate. She bought the "advice" and later realized that was the worst reason to have a second child. A second child should be chosen for itself, not just to be a living breathing toy for your first born. A polite smile and this response usually works for all but the totally crass... "Why do you ask?"

12-28-2005, 06:48 PM	#38 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	I hate to raise a dead thread, but... I am SO sick of getting this from people. Especially from coworkers. I guess because I live in Utah and the norm is to have as many kids as you can squish into a Suburban, that that must be what EVERYONE wants in life. I don't want another kid. I love my son to death and he alone is enough for me. I guess I'm selfish... I don't want to go through another pregnancy, another two+ years of changing dirty diapers, another six months of getting up 2-3 times per night, and no, I don't think that my son NEEDS a sibling to be happy. I hated my brother until I was about 18...he made my life a living hell as a child. Gee...I guess everyone wants that, huh? I was having lunch with some coworkers the other day when this came up (again). Another coworker butted into the convo saying she would never have only one child because they are all selfish, snotty, and don't know how to behave around others. I just don't understand why people think it's cool to do this. If people could learn to shut the fuck up about things that aren't their business, the world would be a much better place. I'm stealing a line from Clavus next time someone asks me this. Ok, I feel better getting that off my chest __________________ "They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa

12-28-2005, 07:12 PM	#39 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	Any "advice" which involves telling other people that their family structure is wrong is annoying at the least and rude at the worst. Gilda __________________ I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that. ~Steven Colbert

12-29-2005, 11:20 AM	#40 (permalink)
Eweser Psycho Location: O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A	I don't believe it's anyone's business why or why not you have any or 40 kids (okay, I'm exaggerating). I grew up with a younger brother who I wouldn't trade for anything, and I mean anything, but I realize that not all, or even many siblings have a relationship like we do. I also have a younger sister, by 19 years, and have heard my Mom say that she wishes she would have had another right away for her to play with. My Mom barely has patience for my little sister....My sister is a very smart girl. I don't see her as being any more spoiled or unsocial as my brother and I. Actually, she's much better in a social situation than I am. Personally, I'm not planning on any children. There are multiple reasons for this and I do get tired of the "When are ya'll going to have kids?" question. Plural, not even singular. I just smile and say "we're not" in a tone that doesn't invite the discussion to continue. __________________ "Whoever wrote this episode should die!" Last edited by Eweser; 12-29-2005 at 11:23 AM..