my buddy's trial...
 

I got an email from a good friend from my church this morning. Said his pregnant wife was in the hospital and that he needed to go meet her there, so we wouldn't go to the gym tonight.


I just got another email from him saying that they are losing the baby.....

What in the world am I supposed to say to him? I am almost breaking up sitting here at work, so I can't imagine what he is going through. Especially his wife....its one freakin day after Mother's Day.....

Does anyone have any advice on how to console them....?

thanks...

Losing or lost? Carry the optimism especially from a spiritual standpoint, miracles are out there, let him know that you're there and that you support him, hope for the best and plan for the worst.

He did just say they are losing the baby, so its not for sure I guess.

We are both very spiritual (hence the church), and he asked me to keep them in prayer, which I most definitely will do.

I do know that God can do whatever God pleases, but I am still at a loss for what to say...

Thank you for your advice.

Miracles do happen, however, this does happen all too often, if it does come down to it...

Don't tell them that they can try again... I'm sure the platitudes of they are young and healthy won't matter... This will be a very difficult time for them, and a very private time as well, I'm not sure consoling will actually work, just a friendly face, and a voice, and maybe some time to take their mind off of it.

I would bring them dinner... and just make yourself available if they want to talk if you can handle it.

I'm Catholic, this is the opportunity to send a Mass Card for the baby and the parents...

Send an email and let them know you're praying for them, then call in a day or two. It's a very overwhelming time so be supportive but not pushy. I had a family member lose her baby last year and her immediate family stepped in to help her out. Letting them know you're there is probably the best thing to do.

Should the worst happen, there is nothing you can say that will make it better. I've had a few friends who have lost babies. I just tell them I'm sorry, give them a hug (if I can see them) and offer them a shoulder to cry on and/or someone to talk to. Just don't give them one of the typical lines like, "At least the baby wasn't born yet" or "You are still young, you can have another". (And yes, I have heard these lines used). A death of a preborn baby is a family death and should be treated the same as if one of their parents died.

I found out last night that the baby had passed about 2 weeks ago. They are both devastated. I semi-understand since my mother lost 3 babies before they decided to adopt me. I know she went through a tough period of depression after the losses, so I can sort of relate, just not personally.

Thanks for all the advice.

I'm sure you will be sensitive... but right now, that's also not what they are going to want to here... Just listen to them... You are not going to have magic words...

When people are desperately trying to have a child, and a well intentioned, well meaning person tells them that adoption is an option for them.. that's not what they want to hear... It's a decision, if they go that route, that they will come to on their own.

I won't suggest adoption to them. I recognize that should not be a decision from an outside source, nor is it comforting to hear. They do have a 9 year old daughter currently as well. I know they have been trying and praying for this baby since their other child was 2, so that is about 7 years.

I understand that just listening is the most a person can do for them really, and while I am good for that, I still feel bad. Makes me think of what my mother must have gone though when I talk to him, you know?

thanks.

Go take him some for some coffee or take her a small trinket or card. Maybe even take them some dinner or takeout if you can't cook. After the shock of a trial like that you almost loose interest in making anything to eat. You need it but you just don't think about it. Tell them you are thinking of them and if they need ANYTHING to ask and you will help in any way you can.

Don't forget that the pain isn't over when they've stopped talking about it. If you disappear with your support in just a few weeks it multiplies the pain. Be there now and down the road.

Also - don't tell them this "is for the best" or "it will work out" or "it's God's will" or any of that kind of thing. The bitterness of this kind of loss would only turn those cliches into salt in the wound for them.

Since you are both religious you can pray with both of them. Perhaps even daily if you and they have the time. Offer to watch their daughter so that they can go out on their own maybe. They will need time together alone to work through the grief.

I just. . . can't even imagine how difficult this must be for everybody.

We're thinking of you, and if there's anything you want to vent I'll be happy to listen. I wish there were more that I could do, and personally I'd relate that to your friend that if you're willing to help let him know, doing anything and everything you can to ease other stressors in their lives or to take their minds off of life for a little while.

Wow -- very difficult. I agree with the above, hug them, hold them, pray with them and for them. Be a silent, strong friend for them. God's speed.

Once you let them know you're willing and available to listen, make it a priority to make yourself available. When my friend lost one of her babies pre term, I got a call asking if I could come over and watch her other boys while she and her husband were at the hospital. There weren't any words I could say, but even after her husband had been with her and comforted her, she wanted me just to be there and hold her while she cried... I didn't say a word other than to ask if she needed a tissue after an hour or so... These times in life are difficult for everyone involved, and only your friend and his wife can truly decide for themselves how they will move on from this, and what they will take from it. You've been a good friend to them from your concern here... and I'm positive they are more than grateful for it.

My heart is aching for your friend and his wife. You are a very good friend for caring so much. I pray they can find peace, when they are ready to. Just being there for them in their time of need is a very good thing you can do. I hope you can bring them the strength and comfort they will need.

Don't turn your back on your friends, or think they "need their space" for too long. Nothing hurts worse than friends who disappear because they feel uncomfortable around you when a tragedy occurs. When I lost my child halfway through my pregnancy part of the pain was people avoiding me. I needed to talk about it & know that there were other people around I cared about. Offer a shoulder & an ear. It will be appreciated.

I hope they are doing well, from experience it is something that just takes time. Words can not make it any better. Kindness with a nice meal and some company (if they want it) is the best thing. Just be a good friend.

Tell him your sorry and be there to listen. That is most important. When they talk about the baby, listen and encourage them to talk. Grief is different for everyone. Pray for them. Be there and Listen, listen, listen.

Don't do anything.

Just be there for him. Pray for him and his family if religion is important to you both.

Mrs Mephisto and I lost a child just over a year ago. It hurts. Time heals.

We are now expecting another child in two months.


Mr Mephisto