Polyphobic

My wife and I are proud parents of a 9 month old boy. We did everything we could possibly think of to avoid daycare.
My work was letting me work from home 2 days a week. When that ended we were forced to put him in daycare.
Living in Denver and with our finances we can not go down to a one person income. Possibly, if we sold our house, cancelled everything, and moved into a one bedroom apartment.
Anyhow, my son likes daycare and my wife does not have a problem with it. I am a different story. I can't help but feel like I am abandoning him 3 days a week (he's in part time). All the signs point to day care being enjoyable for him. He's an only child and this way he is around other kids. He smiles when I drop him off and is happy when we pick him up.

Should I get over it or are these feelings appropriate for my situation? Does anyone have any good daycare experiences? All I seem to hear and read about is how crappy daycare is. Maybe if others have had good experiences, it will make me feel better.

thanks

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:::OshnSoul:::

We haven't had to put our son into daycare yet and I am thankful. It would be hard, thinking that we're missing something.....but I am sure someday soon we will have to, but I will get an in-home babysitter, possibly my sister-in-law. I feel more comfortable doing that.

Daddymem

My wife is stay at home, and we still put our son in for two days a week. Socializing is critical for kids, he has grown so much since going. It's tough, but your child will be the better for it if it is a clean, caring, safe daycare.

raeanna74

It all depends on the day care. If the child to adult ratio is small, it's clean and well organized then it can be a good thing. I know many of the day cares in the area as I have worked with or for several. I also run my own day care. I enjoy working with kids and would be doing so whether I was a SAHM or not. It only makes sense for me to do this.

Now from the day care workers side of things. I have watched some kids part time - about the amount of time you say your son is at day care. In that situation I think it was great socialization and gave the girl lots of learning opportunities. While she was here she learned to talk much more and use the potty. Her mother was pleased with her progress and vocabulary development. She was a year younger than my daughter but modeled a lot of my daughter's behavior and language giving her the chance to excel in her development.

On the other hand I have one child full time 10-11 hours a day. She sleeps at home for about 7 hours a day. That only leaves4 or 5 hours of being with and interacting with her parents. She calls me Mommy even though I correct her frequently. She is 2 yrs old and doesn't quite understand the situation I think.

I think it all depends on the amount of time your child is in the day care and how it is run. It can be a great thing in moderation. It gives your son a chance to be away from Mom and Dad a couple hours a week, learn independence, intereact with other children and adults, and do projects and things designed for learning development. Don't feel guilty about the situation. You are better able to provide for him and there is nothing wrong with the time he is spending there. The fact that you are concerned shows that you don't just want to get rid of your kid. You just are doing what you need to in order to take care of your family the best you can.

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Charlatan

My wife stayed home and ran an in-home daycare until my son reached school age.

My daughter is another ball of wax... we have started to look for daycare for her and will likely end up sharing a nanny with some of our friends...

Having grown up going to daycare myself... I wouldn't sweat it. Socializing is good for you kids... If you have a good daycare they will have a blast and learn a ton.

You do what you have to do. Daycare isn't going to kill you or your kid, so don't obsess over it.

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Polyphobic

Thank you everyone. I now feel much better. It hasn't helped that he is starting to get shy around people he doesn't know. Yesterday I left him with a new lady and he started crying right away. However, he had such a good time when it came time to leave my wife couldn't get his attention. He was practically yelling with joy.
Thanks again.

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Jennteel

socializing and structural planning are critical for young children when they are in the biggest learning stages of life. Especially is they are an only child. But your feelings are natural. I think many of us have had those feelings with our first child.

canuckguy

nice thread, glad to see both sides of the wall on this one. My little girl is only 1 month old, my wife is staying home to care for her now, but she has a much better job than me so I will taking a year or two off to look after our tooter when she can start bottlefeeding. But we both feel that we will need daycare at some point, the thought of it scared me to death, now not so much.

HamiC

Yes. Do your best to get over it.

And yes, those feelings are appropriate.

Life....and particularly the raising of children....is full of necessary compromises. This one is not one you should beat yourself up about. Daycare will help your child socialize with peers, build up immunity, and enable you and your spouse to support the family. In your ideal scenario, you would not need to make this choice, but for now, you do. Be the best parent you can be when your child is with you and you will find that he/she is no worse for the time spent away.

Keep your head up. Do the best you can and don't let anyone make you feel bad for how you have acted in the face of difficult decisions all parents must face.

sexymama

You and your son will have a much better time of it if you stay positive.

That said, also listen to your gut. If a providor doesn't feel right, then she/he probably isn't "right." However, make sure that you are evaluating fairly, not on jealousy. It is better to keep a child, (imho) in the same daycare year after year, then it is to move him/her around.

I personally prefer at home, smaller, family like daycares. I left all three of my biological children in daycare. They are all well adjusted, independent, and good children with great values. But I shopped around and found someone who had similar values to me and who, I could tell, would love my children -- not just watch them.

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maleficent

I have 4 nieces and nephews - my eldest niece is the product of daycare, the next one came alone 2 1/2 years later , my sister opted to stay home, they the next 2 came along.

My eldest niece is less shy than her 3 siblings, much more social, much more idependent. Even at a young age, she never was a clingy type to mommy - the others would scream bloody murder when mom left the room.

Daycare, I beleive - had a lot to do with that.

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Esco

I have a 13 month who is in daycare and I have really have no problems with ... neither does her mother. Yes, I would prefer one of us was home with her(which is financially impossible) and yes, she does get all the little colds ... but her social skills have grown tremendously. She's far more outgoing than the neighbors home raised kid, very resilient and adapting in unfamiliar situations, and certainly doesn't display any of the bratty tantrums. Of course, parenting has plenty to do with it but when I pick her up at the daycare weekday, I always spend at least 15 minutes watching her through the window and just melt when I see her interact with the other children.

As a side note, thanks to our dual-income, her college fund has been growning nicely.

You're doing the right thing. Good for you.

Polyphobic

I think my worry was aggravated by a change in they way my son deals with people. He has started getting attached to various persons and refusing to let other ones into his inner circle (so to speak). Everytime I left him at daycare he would cry as soon as I gave him to the usual person. I have now discovered that he really likes a different day care worker. Now I show up 15 minutes later to turn him over to her and my son is fine. As a side note, I have noticed he is becoming quite a bit more social. At first he was confused by the other children. Now he at least makes noises at them.
Thanks again for the kind words. I feel much better.

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jbrooks544

Daycare is great! It might not be so great if the kid was there 8-6 Mon. thru Fri. and the place was not well run or not good facilities. My kids have been daycare since 8 weeks. It is either that or I could afford to live in a campground in a tent. I don't think that would be good for them. At first it was 3 full days a week. Now it is 3 full days and two half days. The kids are great. The place is great. It is montessori so they actually teach and have a curriculum and great in and out play places, etc. They even have a private elem. school with 5 kids in each grade, which I won't use = too much dough.

I don't think I could bring myself to even consider home daycare, where it is just in someone's house. Too much can go wrong - the woman can be dumb or a bad influence or not well trained. Also, if she gets sick or quits then you are out of luck. My business can't depend on one person's whims or problems. That is why I use a real daycare that is well staffed and professional and trained and monitored and actually teaches and has a nurse on staff, etc. etc.

One good indicator is what kind of teacher/watcher turnover they have. My place has about zero turnover. People have been there for years or decades. If there is new staff every few weeks then I would be looking for a different place. My kids are happy, well adjusted, and pretty far ahead of the kids who don't go to pre-school. My kindergardner is reading better than I was in 2nd grade and is testing higher than anyone else in the entire school. We don't drill and force him either. I credit a lot of this to the daycare experience. He has many fast friends that he has had from the first months of life. My kids have a very rich family life.

What is the problem with daycare? What many studies have shown it to be bad? I don't buy the dacare = bad garbage. It can't be as bad as 40 years ago when the fathers basically barely knew the name of the kids under age 5 (this was normal). It wasn't better for the kids to be trapped at home with a weary mother who was not living to her potential. things change and it isn't always for the bad. Don't feel bad about it - especially if there aren't any alternatives.

Polyphobic

I guess it would have to do with me being raised by a stay at home mother. That and discussions I have read and had (forums and otherwise) where most persons have been dead set against child care. I mainly posted this thread for reassurance and to see if I could finally get some pros instead of cons for daycare.

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sashime76

Hello all,

I was a stay at home dad for nearly 19 months after moving from San Diego (can you spell inflation?) to Indy about 2 years ago. It wasn't that I didn't look for jobs but there just aren't many jobs in the high tech field in the Hoosier Country.

Although with just one income, we decided to put our older son, then 16 months old, in daycare 2 days out of a week so he can have some interaction with other kids. Darren didn't like it at first but a couple of weeks later he really liked going to daycare. My wife and I checked out about 5 daycare/homecare and settled on the best one. We paid visits from time to time just to see how our boy was doing and how he was treated.

Little kids need interactions, they learn more new things and learn them quicker when they interact. As long as you still spend quality time with your kids on you off days, don't feel guilty! Adults need to socialize, the same with little kids.

sashime76

Bill O'Rights

My little "Amendment" goes to daycare. He goes to a home daycare, not one of those chain places. He gets lots of one on one, and gets to mingle and play with 5 other kids. I truly believe that he has gotten a lot out of it. Socially and developmentaly. He loves going to "Miss Joyce's" to play.

Your aprehensions are not, however, unfounded. I don't think that you would be any kind of father, at all, if you didn't have reservations about dropping your child off to the care of others. I think that your reactions are very natural.

I'll second sexymama's "go with your gut" statement. Credentials are one thing, but it has to feel right...y'know? Trust your instincts. They're there for a reason. Good luck.

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Derwood

We WISH we could put our 15 month old in daycare (for all the socialization reasons mentioned above). But in Chicago, you're lucky to find a licensed and accredited daycare center for less than $300/week. That would pencil out to more than our montly mortgage payment!

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Polyphobic

Damn! I guess I should shut my mouth. I was complaining about paying $124 for 4 days. Well, at least it's an expense that will disappear eventually.

My son loves daycare now. Except when he is sick. In fact, at times he seems to like it more than being at home.

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Bill O'Rights

Yep. Agravating, isn't it? That's 'cause as much as he loves mom and dad, kids his own age are more fun to play with. Daycare gets a bad rap, but I think that if you find the right one, then it's money well spent. Even a day or two a week, for stay at home moms/dads, is a good thing. The social skills that they're learning will go a long way later on in life.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

em1014

I'm not a parent yet but I've given this topic quite a bit of thought here and there. Personally, I was a daycare child. When I was young I went to a local lady's house, then to preschool. My parents tried the school after-school day care my first year or two in public school but it was a definate bust. There was little to no structure or supervision. I then started going to a local daycare afterschool and stayed there through 6th grade or so. Most days I didn't mind but it became old very quickly. It also didn't help that I was not really able to understand why my mom just couldn't pick me and my brother up from school or early from daycare. When I was older I knew she "had to work/go to school" but I didn't truly understand the whole work situation (bills are damned expensive, you can't leave until the boss said it was quiting time...). Now that I look back at it all I regret giving my mom a hard time about it. Getting to soccer practice was really not that big of a deal. She had to work damn hard to take care of two kids and go to school full time after going through a nasty divorce and recieving no support from my father. Daycare wasn't that bad and I think it taught me much more than being at home would have. I know I remember more childhood experiences from daycare than home. Besides the obvious suggestions about leaving your children in the care of another (safety, positive environment...) I would suggest checking the daycare out for a few other things. Staff turnover rate (It's not a good sign if they constantly need new teachers. This is usually more common with school age children.) Activities. (This is the part of daycare I hated the most. We were offered fun activities but no variety. It was the same schedule everyday.) Other students. (While the center and teachers may look good on paper, if the children do not get along it will not be a positive experience for your child.)

Overall, I think daycare or some other type of structured socialization at a young age is critical for development. While I might consider being a stay at home mom, I would definatly not skip out on the preschool experience.

Just an interesting note: I am going to school now to be an elem. school teacher. I recently finished up my required observations for first grade. The teacher of the class we were assigned to spoke with us about various issues dealing with schools today. One thing she spoke of was the lack of social development in young children. With standards getting harder in the younger grades there is less time for children to be children and interact. She had to give up centers in her classroom 3 years ago in order to teach the academic skills and has seen a steady decline in students' socail skills.

Sorry this is so long.

gibingus

i had a problem with it too, but we found a great place and it changed my mind. our day care is a co-op where the parents are very involved in managing and running the place. it calls itself a "child development center" - the branding is as good as it sounds, the staff takes fun and learning very seriously and are feeding my kid with great stuff. if you have found a nurturing and postive environment, stick with it and enjoy it. it is good for your kid to interact with others and it is good for you too. get involved with the daycare, if you take some ownership of it, your feelings will ease.

my folks are of the greatest generation and have the guilty doom and gloom vision of daycare. so we sent them to ours to observe. they came back singing a different tune. sure there are still kid zoos and baby prisons out there, but day care for active toddlers is really good these days.

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meembo

I never made peace with the idea. Eveything about childhood is so short and sweet, and I live my life to avoid regret, especially regret that I could have, should have sacrificed more to spend more time with my kids, who, in the end only remember the time they spent with me, not any of the sacrifices. I was a SAHD, and I sadly believe this led to my divorce, and I wish with all of my heart my ex and I understood this about each other before we procreated. Anyway, my boys and I have memories of their first 11 years that no one can take from us, and I think my sons are miles ahead of many other boys, having seen a daily role model in their home take care of the small and the big things in life as I think a man should. I wouldn't change a thing

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highthief

We are actually planning on selling our home due to daycare. We live in the country and actually know a wonderful woman who would provide great daycare at a reasonable price - however, we would still be leaving the little one in someone elses care for 11 hours a day and both my wife and I find this unacceptable. So we will move back to the city for a few years, to an apartment and reduce our commute time to nil giving us more time with her. We will also be making adjustments re: full time versus part time work. Yes, financially we take a hit for a couple of years (at least til she is of school age) but we feel it is critical for us to spend as much time as possible with her during those formative years.

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cheeterbo

i agree. daddymen hit it right, clean, safe and caring. we have four kids, oldest is five. first two went to a good day care. then, wife bailed on work and is stay at home. there is a noticable difference. the socialization is very important. i see kids, especially the homeschool ones, who are not doing well with interaction.

the biggest drawback to daycare, escpecially for infants, is the ease of infection in all areas.

Polyphobic

As a side note, I have read multiple studies that state that getting a child sick actually helps the immune system. Of course, there is a limit to the usefullness of that. Mainly that serious diseases cause significantly more harm than good.

As for socialization, I have 2 nephews several years apart. The first one went to daycare and the second one did not. #1 is very social and #2 is not. Also, I was raised by a stay at home mother and was home schooled. I think this may have something to do with my difficulties in socializing and the insane amount of shyness I possess.

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canuckguy

not sure about the increased exposure helping out in the long run in a medical sense, but it makes sense to me. I remember seeing a dateline 20/20 type show and it was about a mother who took her child to the doctor everytime she had a runny nose..etc. anyway the kid develop severe allergies and other issues due to fact that the child had no immune system and was now resistant to all antibotics. in my town, a child in daycare just got flesh eating diease at a daycare center from chicken poxs. scared the missus and I but we still hope to put our daughter in daycare 1-2 days a week when she is older. nice again to hear people's feedback. the cost is freaking expensive though!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Polyphobic

My child is in daycare 3 days a week for $101 a week. And that's cheap!

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blindawg

There are good and bad things to a daycare, my ex has ran one on and off for a while along with being a preschool teacher.. As long as you get a good home/center it's a really good experience.. Socialization is just the start.. I think kids in daycare centers tend to have a stronger immune system (take a while of passing everythign around) and are more open minded/exposed to more things.. thre are lots of good reasons.. It can be a rewarding experience.. don't beat yourself up over it...

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Baldrick

Great comments!

My wife and I decided 9 years ago when we had our first of two daughters, that we would not be using daycare at all. Sherrey quit her job, and decided to be a stay at home Mom until the girls were both in school all day full time. It wasn't easy for us, being a one income family in this day and age is difficult, but we really feel that it's best for the girls.

However, we pretty quickly realized that we would need to do something to give the girls exposure to other kids and adults to develop their social skills. What we found was the public library had GREAT programs that you could leave your kids for a couple of hours at - from the age of 2 to kindergarten. These are absolutely perfect for what we want. Now that the girls are 9 and 6, I can say that this seems to have made a big difference. It's almost a pre-pre-Kindergarten, and I'd recommend this to anyone.

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