Adopted child, when and how to tell her?
 

Okay, so real long story short. Met a girl 3 years back. She had a one month old. Eventully she asked me to play daddy and I agreed. In the mean time she got pregnant with mine and had her. Fast forward to this past december and baby's momma left me and took the girls with her. Two months later the girls where taken from her by DHS. I am now being given the girls and there is a good chance I will be given the chance to adopt hers and if I am given that chance I will. This is a highly condensed story but the DHS case actully goes back to when her child was 4 months old and she has an older daughter whom she has since lost her rights to.

Anyway, so now I am facing the prospect of raising two girls as a single father. Fine with me. However want I would like to know is when I should tell my adoptited daughter she is not actully mine and how.

shit bbtb; all i can is that's a tough situation. i personally don't believe in lying to children for their own good (maybe aside from santa claus and whatnot) so i don't know that i'd directly say anything that indicates you are a blood relative. i think that pretty much when the child starts to be ask adult questions, i'd start giving adult answers in a childlike language, if that makes any sense.

'and he looked down at me, with those big red eyes...and do you know what he said?"

'i need about tree fitty'

/tree fitty
/let me tell the story woman!

BBtB - you're her daddy, right? Maybe not in the biological sense, but in every other way you're the man who's raising her and teaching her right from wrong. Personally, I think you put it off as long as you can, but I expect that you're not the one who's going to be able to control the information. If the mother has any sort of visitation rights, it's probably just a matter of time before she spills the beans.

When the time comes, just explain that you're her daddy and always will be. Whether or not you're bioligically related doesn't mean squat if you're emotionally related (if that makes sense).

By the way, the world needs more people like you. My hat's off to you.

Well thank you. I don't feel like I am doing anything special. Just what has to be done. And as for her mom.. she currently does have visitation, time will show if that stays true. She is actully wanting joint custody but to say that is unlikely is to say the least. She will say it too. That is what started our break up actully. I didn't like how she was handling a situation with Lori (her daughter) so feeling like I was the dad, I said something. She then informed me I wasn't her father.. But she will know, I would just rather I be the one to tell her.

While not in a situation like this, both my sister and myself are adopted. My adoptive parents were very honest with us right from the start about this and I do think it was the best way to go.

Just be sure, in your words and actions, to let her know that the fact that she isn't your biological daughter has no bearing on how much you love and care for her.

if her sibling is your daughter, then she is eternally tied to you as well. Treat her as your own, but don't ever hide the truth from her. If you are open about it from the start, there will never be any issues of trust between the two of you. My uncle adopted, and although he told us to avoid the subject when possible, he was very open with his son (who has no problems with the fact that he is adopted, now 16).

One of my brothers adopted his wife's first child, and even though the real father has very very limited visitation (by the mother's grace only), the child knows who really loves and cares for him.

Just my opinion.

When she asks about her mother, tell her the truth.

My little brother was always told that he was very special in that he was actually picked, a chosen son - which was different then the first 5 kids my parents had together (we were born into the family). We 5 kids all chipped in part of our allowance to pay for his adoption papers so we could all be a part of the process. Little Brother is very happy to be a son and brother in our family - and has also stated he has the best of both worlds because he gets our families outlook and way of conversing without sharing in our heredity (assorted bi-polar, some illnesses, stuff like that - he calls our blood a toxic substance ;)).
So tell your #1 daughter from the start that she is special because she was actually a choice of yours, and the other daughter is special because she shares parts of both her sister and you by birth.

"When in doubt, tell the truth." (Mark Twain)

My parents have been telling my little sister she was adopted since she was about 1.5-2 years old. My cousins are adopted as well and they told him when he was 5-6 and he went completely batshit crazy about it so I think the earlier the better. My sister is 6 now and she's completely unphased by the fact that she's adopted, even if she doesn't understand it completely.

I agree, raise her and tell her you love her and act like she IS your daughter, no mater what she is your daughter even if it wasnt your sperm, she's still yours. And tell her that to, but slip in little things while shes young about how her father is gone and her mother trusted you to raise her which is great becuas eyou love her. And then when she asks abotu her mother tell her her mother isnt allowed to see her and neither is her biological father, but her father is right there*poitn to self*

And when she is older, maybe 10 or so, sit her down one day and talk to her about it. Tell her that as she knows her mother is gone and that she also had a father that left, but that you were blessed witht he chance of being her daddy and you took it becuase you love her.

dont wait till shes a teenager.. she'll kill you.

Question - what's the situation with the little girl's biological father? Is he likely to resurface in her life?

It seems like you have little option besides telling the truth from the get-go. If the mother is going to be part of the picture at all, she's likely to spill the beans at some point (probably in an immature effort to put distance between you and "her" daughter). Make sure she knows the truth, but also knows that you see yourself as her "real" dad. Best of luck, and for all of your sakes I hope the mother grows up or just disappears.

Laserth, well she is three now and has been in DHS custody since she was four months old. If there is a difference in telling her at two then six then thats been done for me. She has allready been "told" I guess. The real question then is how do I make sure she knows the truth without constantly reffering to her as "adopted" or "not really mine" or the one I actully use which is "non-biological daughter"


I don't know. The mother disapeared while pregnant. DHS found him after taking the child into custody. He moved here at first. (We live in Tulsa, they where from St Louis.) Was seeing her regulary but also stated that he wanted to sign his rights over to the maternal grandmother, who was the current placement. Then about a year back he apparently just up and left. DHS didn't hear from him again, it was later rumored that he went back to St Louis. It is unlikely that he will be back around and if I go through with adoption, as opposed to guardianship, then his rights will be terminated and that will be that. I doubt he will fight his rights being terminated but even if he did he would lose.

I don't think it's a matter of when to tell her, but rather to keep the thought going in the process of growing up-that she's chosen. My nephews have known all their lives they're adopted; it was never an issue. It's best that it's a second nature, not something to be sprung on them down the line.
My kids know they're 'lab babies' and weren't conceived the 'normal' way (sometimes I even use that as a joke lament: $40k and 10 years of my life and this is what I get!?!) And we have discussed our amazement that they are the ones out of 15 possibilities.

I was adopted, as was my younger brother, though the youngest is my parents biological son. As I went through the adoption process with my parents when they adopted my brother, I was fully aware of adoption by age 3. Even if my parents hadn't chosen to adopt again, I still would have known that I was adopted. They believed in being very open with all of us. I'm very thankful for that. I knew that they wanted me very much and I never felt conflicted about my status within the family. We were their kids. In talking to other family members, friends, etc, there was never any distinction made. The only time that our adoptive status came up was when it was important: doctor's visits, discussions of adoption/fertility[something my parents had struggled with]/pregnancy/etc., or when we (the children) brought it up.

Every time the doctor asks "Does it run in the family?" her adoptive status is going to be mentioned, so it's best that she's comfortable with it and that it never comes as a surprise. If you can, I'd try to work with DHS so that she does have a full medical history, but if the father is absolutely uninterested, that will be tough. As an adoptive child, this is the one thing I regret not having access to about my birth parents.

There's a book called The Secret of Me by Meg Kearney that you might want to read. It's a verse novel told in a 14 year old girl's voice about the experience of growing up as an adoptive child (something Kearney herself did). The target audience is young adults, but my mother and father found a lot of truth and humor in it when I gave it to them a few weeks ago too, and you can hang on to it until your daughters are older for them to read. Even reading it as a 20-something, I found it refreshing. I remembered going through a lot of the thought processes of the narrator, but I also remembered having my parents around to reassure me. I called them the night I finished it and thanked them.

From what you've written, it looks like both of your daughters will be very lucky little girls because they've got a great dad :)

As an adopted child myself, I can give you my opinions as to when and how to tell your daughter based on my experiences.

You should tell her as early as you feel she will understand and ask questions about it. I was 3 or 4 years old when my parents told me, and it was a non-issue growing up.

It really doesn't matter how you tell her, just make sure she knows that you love her and you biological daughter equally.

I just have to say BBtB, I really admire what you're doing. I know you don't see it as anything special, but not all men would be willing to do what you are(no offense to the men of TFP, but I'm sure you can agree that a lot of the men you know, would not do the same, especially at 22). I agree with the other members in that telling your daughter as soon as possible. She may not totally understand, but a least you will have an open dialouge going, and it won't be something that is sprung on her later on. I hope everything works out for you, and please do keep us all posted.

I was not adopted, but my biological father died before I was born and I had a stepdad come into my life when I was about a year old... and he hasn't left since (even though he and my mom split up). :D

I can't even remember a time when I didn't know that he wasn't my real dad. I think they were always honest with me, because it would have been disrespectful to my real father to pretend that my stepdad (a term I only use for clarifying the situation to other people) was my real dad. But for all intents and purposes, in my head, he was never a "stepdad." He was just plain DAD, and still is.

But even though he never adopted me (he offered, at one point, but I felt awkward about it for some reason), I grew up calling him "Dad" and he called me his "Daughter" and that was that. Our relationship is one of father and daughter, period. We have no legal ties or paperwork between us, but 27 years on, we are still very close.

It actually scares me a little bit, because what would happen if he was in the hospital... could I even visit him, or him me? We should probably do something about that.

I'm adopted, as was my older sister. I'm not sure when I was told, but I can't really remember a time when I didn't know. Like others have already said, don't hide the truth.