Meditrina

This is somewhat related to Virginia Tech, but didn't fit in with the current discussions.

I had originally thought, that although very tragic and sad, that this incident did not affect me, or my family, directly. Therefore, I only briefly told my daughter about it. She is 10 and overheard my mother-in-law talking about it on Monday. Last night she started crying at bed time. She was afraid to sleep alone. Apparently, they talked about it in school. Not only did they talk about this incident, but they also mentioned a bomb threat that occurred last year at our high/middle schools. Now my daughter was scared to go to school and scared for me. I work at a University. She was trembling and crying. I do not hide things from my daughter, but I choose the right way to say them. I held her tight and spoke to her about the security around her school and my university. I never said it couldn't happen to us, because I don't want her to be naive, but I also didn't say that this could happen at any time. Then I had her sleep on my floor.

While I know her teacher does not know where I work, and does not know how sensitive my worry-wart of a daughter is, I am upset that she told her these things. Or maybe it's the way she told her? Am I right to be upset? Should I contact the teacher or go right to the principal? Or do I just let it go?

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braisler

It seems like it would certainly be worth discussing with the teacher. Too often parents don't say anything when there is something being discussed or taught that they disagree with. Have the frank discussion with your daughter's teacher soon. I don't see how anything too negative could come of it.

I hope your little one is feeling more secure.

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tecoyah

I would accept it as the reality of our world, and understand that the school is also in a somewhat inenviable position. While it certainly is not a schools' responsibility to explain the violence of humankind to kids (a parents job), I would expect them to answer questions that can affect time spent on school grounds....age appropriately. A ten year old, likely knows at some level, just how harsh the world can be, and as long as this does not become a focus in life, or a detriment to growing up, it seems a part of life we all need to understand, eventually.
Children can grasp, and deal with far more than we give them credit for, and honest communication based on a childs ability to understand (which only the parent really knows), should be the Norm in my opinion.

MexicanOnABike

eh, my parents never really talked about death to me. mostly because it didn't happen that much.

you shouldn't have to explain it unless they ask clearly, they don't need to bother themselves with this right now. they're still kids!

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Dilbert1234567

the best way (imho) is to be completely honest about it, it can happen, but it's very improbable, hundreds die each day in cars, but we're not afraid to drive. risk is a part of life.

the way not to tell bad news:
"everyone who has a grandfather raise your hand... not so fast there hun."

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clavus

Dilbert is right. Tell kids the unpleasant facts in a truthful, matter-of-fact manner. That USUALLY works best.

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Meditrina

I spoke more with my daughter regarding this. I asked her how it came up in her classroom. She said the principal had a moment of silence for the victims, then many kids in her class (including my daughter) had questions. The teacher did discuss the safety measures already in place at the school. I guess there really isn't much I could about this, except make sure I talk to my daughter about these things BEFORE the school does. When things are this public, it is bound to come up at school. After telling my sister about all of this, she decided she better talk to her daughter about the incident too. We have all learned a valuable lesson from this. My sister and I will talk to our kids before the school does from now on.

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spindles

I'm not sure this fits into the conversation, but I'll try and tie it in. I was watching a doco last night called "Tony Robinson: Me and My Mum". I looks at dementia and care of old people etc. One of the families shown on the show was two daughters whose dad had fallen down and broken his hip. As neither of them had the time/money to care for him they put him into an aged care facility. You could see he was clearly upset with being shipped off into this place, and both his daughters said clearly "you are not here forever, just until you get better, then you'll come home". As they said it I was thinking what an awful lie to say to someone (he died with a fortnight).

Now to tie this back into a conversation with kids - I would like to think that regardless of the situation that being truthful is the right thing to do. Children over a certain age have a pretty good bullshit meter, so I think you have to be pretty up front about things. Only you know how much info / padding your children need though and in what kind of terms it needs to be delivered.

It sounds like you handled the situation pretty well and have a nice heads up on what to do next time something 'bad' happens.

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Willravel

I would use precedent to explain, as it's relatable.
"Sweetie, you've been going to school for years now. Has anything ever happened? That's because this doesn't happen often at all."

analog

I almost choked on my apple. Not cool.

Yeah...

More than anything, I'd say that no one grew up any better because their parents sugar-coated life and lied to them whenever things got too "real". If you want to teach anything, it's that the truth is the truth, however unpleasant.

hiredgun

I concur with the general message of this thread: you should be honest with her, but as her mother you can also frame the issue in a way that does not frighten her unnecessarily.

In general, it is also far better for her to hear something like this from you than from elsewhere. She likely associates you with feelings of safety and security, and even your mere presence should soften the blow a bit.

cyklone

Teachers are inherently naive fools. They go to school, they go to teaching school and then they go back to school. They don't really know anything useful and can always benefit from instruction from an adult who lives in the real world. I've found it useful to be understanding but directive with teachers when it comes to the way I want my child treated. Pretty much the same way I would treat an older sibling of the child who was temporarily child minding.

Psycho Dad

I have to wonder about these "moments of silence". I agree with the general opinion of being honest with children about tragedy. But setting aside time to tell children "you should feel bad about this" I don't think accomplishes much. I think the compulsory sorrow is far removed from honest discussion about the honest facts of life.

In recent times, how many of the moments of silence do you think our children go through? Columbine, the Challenger explosion, 9/11... Were the students and faculty of Virginia Tech allowed to assemble and pay respects (which I assume they did) it is one thing. But a grammar school student in Ramona, Oklahoma likely doesn't have a connection to this event and doesn't need to be connected in this way.

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