nezmot

This is going to sound crazy to some of you, but that only goes to show how true what I am about to tell you really is.

You see, this universe that we live in is so amazing, so wonderous, and so completely mindboggling, that it can only have been invented by Custard.

Whenever you're not 100% sure how something works, it's because Custard did it. Isn't that amazing? It might seem confusing, but that's because you have Custard in your mind - in fact, you're made of Custard. You just can't see it. It's a sort of a miracle you see. Still don't understand? That's because the universe was made by Custard. Isn't it clever?

How do we know these things? Because they are scientific fact. There's no actual evidence for it, but it's still a fact.

1) In the beginning, there was nothing at all - no energy, no mass, no nothing. No-one knows what happened at this time, which is why it must have been Custard.

2) Custard made everything that we see around us today. See the earth beneath your feet? What would you be standing on if the earth wasn't there? Nothing. That is a scientific fact. Since this mysterious 'nothing' has never been measured in a laboratory before, the only plausible explanation is that Custard made the Earth. From Jam. And Hammers.

3) The number 3 is a special number, not only because of the Holy Trinary of Custard, Jam and Hammers, but it's also the only number you can get from adding 1 and 2 together. This is why the universe is made by Custard from Jam and Hammers. Again, this is a fact because it has been written down.

4) Why do you think Hammers are called Hammers? Because many, many years ago Custard said so. How many Hammers are not called Hammers? None. This is yet more proof of Custard.

5) Nails are the Devil's fingernails. That's why they're called nails. Why do you think you never see Custard and Nails in the same place? Think about it. If Custard and Nails were not opposites, why would they not appear in the same cupboards? The reason is that Custard created the universe and the Devil made nails, and ever since then the two must never be placed in the same room.

6) If Custard hadn't created hammers, there would be no universe. Only nails. Therefore Custard made the universe. Out of Hammers.

7) If you built a house out of only Jam, it would quickly become covered in ants. Ants are clever in this respect because Custard told them to. Isn't that amazing? It's more than that, it's scientific fact.

8) Thousands of years before hands were invented, Custard used only his elbows to eat. More proof of His incredible skills and abilities. Can you imagine creating the whole universe with only your elbows? It's amazing isn't it!

9) Custard tells us that worms are dirty animals, and that we shoudn't eat them. Now, millions of years later, many of us don't eat worms but most of us still don't know why! Custard was right all along.

Here are some interesting websites that have the word custard in them. Remember these are facts, which proves that they are facts. Scientifically.

Custard
Custard
Custard

cyrnel

So is gravity just the sticky residue left behind after Custard leaves?

This goes in my Flying Spaghetti Monster file right now.

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There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

noahfor

Custard jam and hammers is the most poetic thing I've ever heard.

Charlatan

No gravity is the Universal attraction of everyone (and thing) to Custard.

mmmmm... custard...

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Gatorade Frost

Shouldn't this be under humor...?

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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips

CSflim

Best Tilted Philosophy Thread Ever!

Honestly, this thread is just as cogent as about half of the other threads that get started here.

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cyrnel

I do like the use of "3." It simplifies all those arguments about layers. Now we just have bottom, middle, and top. Those who demand specifics can spoon up their own version of a flavored filling, whipped topping, and pretty sprinkles.

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There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

nezmot

More astounding facts:

10) Science tells us that Newton invented gravity, or to be more precise, Newton invented good gravity (Hitler later came up with the theory of 'bad' gravity sometime in the summer of 1934). But what Science doesn't tell us is that Custard is a 'Non-Newtonian' liquid, which means that not only does it not obey Newton's (or Hitler's) laws of Gravity, but under certain conditions, it behaves more like a solid. A believer can walk across a swimming-pool full of custard and not fall in. This is because Custard is the inventor of the universe. Imagine that! A swimming-pool FULL of custard!

11) Science also tells us that honey comes from bees. This is a lie. It's been proven by science that Jam comes from bees (witness the famous Guatamalan Jam Bee) and honey is actually produced by wasps. Lemon Curd is blasphemous and should never be mentioned, much less depicted in mime. Marmite comes from eggs. This is fact.

12) Evolution tells us that everything should have curled up and died by now because it's so complicated. This proves that evolution is lies. Custard made evolution backwards, which is why time is like an arrow that only goes in straight lines.

RCAlyra2004

Hee Hee Hee!

This thread is soooo Diabolical...

I love it !

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Living on the edge of sanity

cybersharp

And I think this threat should be moved or locked because... let me guess.... I got Custard in my mind/head. I think I understand everything now....

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0PtIcAl

nezmot

Some more proof that Custard invented the universe. ALL religions tell us that Custard is the supreme truth - remember all of these things have been written down in books. You can't argue with words. Remember all these things are scientific facts. About miracles.

1) Jesus said that everything was made of sweet dairy Custard. When he said he was 'The Lamb of God', what he actually said was that Custard made everything in its own bowl. Out of Hammers.

2) In the bible it says: 1 Kings 6:31 "For the entrance of the inner sanctuary he made doors of olive wood with five-sided jambs." 5-sided jams! Miraculous. Normally jams only has 3 sides, but thanks to the miracles of Custard, lo, there were 5.

3) From the Qu'ran: "The Bee 1. [16.66] And most surely there is a lesson for you in the cattle; We give you to drink of what is in their bellies-- from betwixt the feces and the blood-- pure milk, easy and agreeable to swallow for those who drink." Here we see the first of the great 'Custard Ingredients' texts. Note the timeless wisdom of going between the feces and the blood for milk - a primary ingredient of Custard (remember not to make Custard out of feces or blood, a this is not allowable by law).

4) "The Rangers 1. [37.49] As if they were eggs carefully protected." - Here eggs are mentioned - another proof that Custard is the creator of existance - NOT science!

5) "Muhammad 1. [47.15] A parable of the garden which those guarding (against evil) are promised: Therein are rivers of water that does not alter, and rivers of milk the taste whereof does not change, and rivers of drink delicious to those who drink, and rivers of honey clarified and for them therein are all fruits and protection from their Lord. (Are these) like those who abide in the fire and who are made to drink boiling water so it rends their bowels asunder." Here the Qu'ran mentions honey, and cleverly points out the dangers of drinking boiling fluids. Honey is what sugar was before spoons were invented - another primary ingredient of Custard - Will miracles never cease!

6) In the Buddhist Dhammapada, it states "Like fresh milk a bad deed does not turn at once. It follows a fool scorching him like a smouldering fire." - pointing out the dangers of using old milk.

7) From the Bible Judges 13:25: "and the Spirit of the LORD began to stir him while he was in Mahaneh Dan, between Zorah and Eshtaol." telling us to stir the mixture, until it reaches 'Mahaneh Dan', an ancient term meaning a consistancy somewhere in between 'Zorah' (an old word meaning 'runny') and 'Eshtaol' (an even more ancient word meaning 'thick enough to ensnare a goat')

8) From the Qu'ran: "The Clans 1. [33.53] O you who believe! do not enter the houses of the Prophet unless permission is given to you for a meal, not waiting for its cooking being finished-- but when you are invited, enter, and when you have taken the food, then disperse-- not seeking to listen to talk;" Once the Custard has been made, you should eat it in silence, out of respect. Why respect Custard if it did not create the universe?

So by now, you must have realised that not only does science prove Custard, but so does Christianity, Islam, Buddism, Judaism, and all the other religions. If you don't it's because you've not understood all that's been written. Why don't you read it again. Remember it's been written down. And if you still don't understand, try to remind yourself that your brain has invisible custard in it, which only goes to prove everything that's been said is true.

tecoyah

I am leaving this thread here for the time bieng, because I think it actually does fit in this forum in a deeper fashion than most people are inclined to consider. The very nature of Philosophy is to break down the thought process, and examine what lies within the collective Human Psyche....the concept of God is a fundamental aspect of this. While I do realize this thread in intended as a subtle attack on another members belief structure, it might prove to be a good way to examine what makes someone decide upon one God, or creamy filling, over another.

That and its pretty damn funny, and we can all use a good laugh from time to time.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

nezmot

My thanks tecoyah, for your truly Custardly words. One of the basic precepts of Orthodox Custianity is to always respect other people's beliefs (whatever they might be) but to allow (and sometimes, where necessary, to openly encourage) gentle teasing in respect of faulty arguments used to either validate, or to otherwise back those beliefs up. In other words, the beliefs are fine, but, as with a good (not too lumpy) Custard, we reserve the right to take issue with inconsistency wherever it appears. A lumpy Custard comes from not employing enough effort in the stirring. The same thing goes elsewhere in life. This has been written in the heavens in a language nobody understands, since the dawn of time.

Seer666

Interesting. Now, how does Custard fit in with the Discordian Law of 5 I wonder. I'm sure Eris can prove Custard, as well as Custard proving Eris.

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Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

Sultana

I'm sure you meant to type Elvis, not Eris.

This is diabolical, subversive, and I love it.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

debaser

Here we go again. You can't turn around without some nutjob trying prove his faith. I do not have time to rebutt your ridiculous statement right now, but I shall return with the scientific torch to glaze your custard, and the logical spoon to crack it.


Mmmmmm.... Creme Brulee...

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Charlatan

Debaser! You blasphemer!

How dare you defile the Holy Custard.

RISE UP followers of the true custard.

Shall we be subjected this sort of tyranny, to this defamation of the Holy Custard? I say NO!

MARCH bothers and sisters. MARCH to war on this unholy infidel who dares to defile the Holy Custard.

DEATH to those who would burn our Holy Custard!

DEATH by spooning!

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Sultana

Wouldn't burning Custard be a form of transfiguration, or transmogrification?

And what does Custard offer for communion--twinkies and milk?
But is it really *Custard* when we put it in our mouths and eat it?

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

vjssy

Where and When?

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Me saepe mone.

asaris

Creme Brulee is the true revelation of the custard! Those who do not believe in Creme Brulee shall burn in McDonald's for eternity!

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"Die Deutschen meinen, daß die Kraft sich in Härte und Grausamkeit offenbaren müsse, sie unterwerfen sich dann gerne und mit Bewunderung:[...]. Daß es Kraft giebt in der Milde und Stille, das glauben sie nicht leicht."

"The Germans believe that power must reveal itself in hardness and cruelty and then submit themselves gladly and with admiration[...]. They do not believe readily that there is power in meekness and calm."

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Charlatan

This just in!

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Poppinjay

I don't quite understand. If custard invented the universe, how did Mars get the contract for the Milky Way?

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

cyrnel

You guys think this is funny? It's horrible! Blasphemous! Custard will show up one of these days and you'll burn. Don't believe me? Recall what happened to George Armstrong Custer. A silky yellow top and a name with the same digit values as Custard. (e-a=4, d=4). To all appearances a faithful Custardite. Then he tried to pull shit at Little Big Horn, refusing the native Americans' peace offering of a creamy yummy dessert. Heathen! He paid the price.

You'll think arrows were kind.

__________________
There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

ngdawg

I'm sorry, but I can't believe this at all....I'm Flanish....

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Willravel

And Custerd so loved his only son, Creme Brulee, that he gave him to be sacrafices under the fires of petrol....and thus Brulism broke off from the Custardites.

Eventually, Brulism will beak into many denomonations, including Baptists (where you are baptised in a creme brulee), Brulans (those who study the Creamy chatachism), and the Quakers (who are most delicious of all).

Jinn

MUSTARD HAS MANY FACES.. DO NOT BE TEMPTED by the mark of the beast; it is yellow and bitter.

CUSTARD LIVES.

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

nanotech

Thats all nice but Custard, creme caramel, or Jello didn't bring prophets who can make miracles and books with miracles

Charlatan

Nanotech! Blasphemey!

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Poppinjay

I have HEARD your Flan's words... I have felt their warmth in my stomach.

Sometimes, I get the sense that despite our divergent beliefs, we are all worshiping the same confection.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Poppinjay

Oh custard, Charlatan, Miracle Whip created the trailer park universe, not the tony suburbs universe!

/me goes to gag just thinking about miracle whip

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

tecoyah

Betty crocker made books, and Custard, and many of her cookies are miracles....Case closed, truth exposed, eat the whipped cream off my toes.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

JustJess

Hm. I'm a Brulean, myself. Technically, I know that custard is the source of Brulee, but whatever.... I just want the creme.


Wow, tec... last straw for nanotech, hm?
I saw that one counting down...

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

tecoyah

check the nonsense forum....heh...its truly a gem in the rough

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha