How do you punish a 25-year-old?
 

Because of a learning disability and a lack of basic survival skills, our son (age 25) is still living with us. He's not mentally disabled -- he has his own car and bank account (we manage that for him) and a part time job. But he has no concept of basic stuff, like calling a person, leaving a message and then waiting for a reply. He'll call 10 times over the course of a day till they call back. Or give him $50 for the week and it vanishes in two days -- with no idea where it went.

The question is, how do you punish a 25-year-old? In our home he is not allowed to use the phone unless we're home, and even then he must ask for permission. Today I had to run out, left a note on the phone that read "No calls", and placed the note in such a way that the phone couldn't be used without moving it. Sure enough, when I got home, he'd used it. When asked he admitted he used it (to call the same person he's called every day for a week -- that has yet to call back). He said "sorry" but after that it was over.

How do you punish a 25-year-old?

He pays a very small amount of 'rent', but barely enough to cover his food.

Ideas?

P.S. Overall he's a good 'kid'. He's just lacking some of the smarts the rest of us were given by God. But I never let that be used an excuse for things he knows he shouldn't have done.

I can't give you a difinitive answer (or rather opinion) until I know what the nature is of his lkearning disability. Does it have a name? What does it entail?

I sympathise with your situation and wish you the best. Raising a child is a great responsibility and requires incredible inner strength and patience.

Does he understand consequences? That if he does one thing... then that will effect something else? ie if he uses the phone without permission, he can't use the phone for x number of days... and stick with that...

money tends to fall thru my fingers as well - icouldn't tell you where most of it goes.. many people have that problem.. .What helps me is getting receipts for purchases.. that way end of the day i can check my receipts to see where i spent money...

If you were to curtail his priveledges or something... would he be able to connect the punishment to the offense? If so, that's what you should do.

I think the nature of his learning disability will greatly determine the type of correction needed. If you have a cordless phone could you take the phone portion with you when you leave?? Then again if he needed help would he be able to reach someone if you did take the phone? How long do you usually leave him alone? Do you have any trouble with him trying to use the phone when you are home. Perhaps you could charge him to use the phone, though I think if he spent $50 and didn't know where it went it wouldn't mean a lot to him to loose that $50 to you even.

Can you restrict TV use, or internet/computer use? When I was young and was punished (rarely) I was not allowed to play any video games, I could only use the computer for homework, and I could watch nothing other than the news on the TV. What things does he like to do?

put a payphone in.... like the brady bunch

Don't punish him.
Get him a professional counselor. who has experience working with people who find everyday life challenging. They'll usually teach you a few tricks, too!

My best friend has a physical disability that forces her to live at home with her parents at age 24. I know that your son does not have a physical disability, but a mental disability. Even more reason to see a professional. Her counselor specializes in her unique disability, the difference is remarkable . The counseling has done wonders for her - and her mom's approach. You may have many free options available to you and him, depending on where you live and the extent of his learning disability. Check out your state's Disability Rehabilitation program. Also check the local community college for special programs.

It's a rough path - especially for him - but it sounds like your current methods are not working. Why not try a professional? Change won't be fast. It has taken my friend several years of coping with her disability to finally feel some level of freedom with life. But with persistance (and a little laughter) progress is made and the disabled will feel motivated and encouraged in their path towards self-sufficiency.

Pook, we would be more helpful in answering your question if you have a diagnosis or some other descripter of your son's learning disability. I am reluctant to offer any advice that could do more harm than good.

Yeah, is it a real learning disability or something self-diagnosed? Not calling you a liar or anything but I've misdiagnosed myself many a time (more ear infections, flu, colds, etc. but still) things and there's no substitute for a doc.

I'm with genuinegirly on this one. Go to a conselllor and get some help for someone in his situation. I think in time that he will learn those things, change is usually a slow and tedious thing but it is well worth it in the end.