Spungfoo

Found this on the Ultimate Metal forum and found it quite amusing.

Here follows the 101 rules of black metal, then maybe you'll se why Cradle of Filth aren't considered black:
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Remember, Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you
mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 months after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only
interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true"
blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members or on your secret "im gonna kill him" list.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have
your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. rarely play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, you mention tremolo riffs about 5 times and the other person still has no idea
what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died
because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to
produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less
wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects
as "session" musicians. "Don't forget secret [kill em] list"
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same
producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the
word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still
sound the same way it did 9 f-in years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever
greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal
Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the
terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of
attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder
paper in the middle of math class or your kid brothers spirograph.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you
really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine
Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to kiss the Dark Lord's greasy ass at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy arse" whenever
possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the freakin...whups, "Fuckin" day, and instead of looking evil, look dork...*blink* *blink*...ACH!, never mind, see rule 1.
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house at x-mas time is not "pimping it".
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily >:-(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to
it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. F#%K, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested
tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, younger brothers legos etc. (See also "clouded frost spire" )
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists
of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend,
and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-shit shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-shit" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "fuck" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and
therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish, esperanto.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and go look for a bridge to sit under..."fight" soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

Magpie0001

Erm Ooooh, Kay.




*slowly backs twards the door*

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Atomic Pinkie

interesting....

So, by writing this...do you fit under rule 1?



I kid, i kid...

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Where dem bitches at?

Snoogans

true... Dani filth sucks

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Internet hint: If someone's asking if what they do is weird, it always is.

KillerYoda

Rule 102: Always make sure to alert the audience that a flying goat head is headed their way.

Case in point: The incident at the Mayhem concert.

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MSD

This is great. Is something wrong with me if I understand everything on that list?

KillerYoda

Probably. I feel bad that I did.

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"So you're Chekov, huh? Well, this here's McCoy. Find a Spock, we got us an away team."

rock_bottom

Well, from my experience listening to Emperor, Cradle of Filth and whatnot (even if Filfth isn't black metal apparantly) I thought the main requirement was that your vocalist sounded like Cobra Commander. Wtf? Am I the only one who thinks it's odd that every death metal bands has vocals that sound the same, and even odder that they all sound like Cobra Commander, of all people?
And the whole "Cradle of Filth isn't black metal" thing sounds like "OH no a band of our oh-so-cool genre has become popular to the point where people other than us might know who they are! We must shun them and their music, lest we not look hip!"
Yeah. You owe me one incoherent rant.

Spungfoo

Well every musical genre has its fair share of yahoos, black metal especially. I will admit it's an aquired taste. I didn't like the vocals at first either but they grow on you after awhile - you pick up on the nuances of emotion in the "cobra commander" screams - once you do it's pretty cool. Also, Black Metal isn't just bands such as Burzum and Emperor, there's a whole assload of bands that take in European folk and classical influences into their music - bands like Finntroll, a mix of black metal and Polka(!). You also have your "Viking Metal"... lyrics and musical themes based in Norse mythology. There's genuine talent in the genre, it's just that people are put off by the "defining" bands.

A list of some good Black Metal bands:
Satyricon
Arcturus
Borknagar
Ensiferum
Immortal
Ulver
Vintersorg
Primordial

And yes, I do like Cradle of Filth (although their image is somewhat childish). They're the only band that's making me consider going to Ozzfest this year...

rock_bottom

Oh yeah, I know there's some real talent in black metal. I was originally drawn to it for the really impressive music behind the screaming, some of the guitar and drum work is simply mind boggling, you can rarely find it like that elsewhere in music.

OMFUG

Sorry, I have ot put on my pedant hat for a minute. ... personal pet peeve of mine. rock_bottom said every death metal vocalist sounds like Cobra Commander, and this is very, very wrong. I think you meant Black metal. Death metal vocals sound like someone who has just gagled with razors singing "Scooby Doo" over and over (to the untrained ear, of course... I'm a big death metal fan.)

Back to the original subject... man that wqas hilarious.... it's too bad I'm the only one of my firends who would understand that. Anyone read the book "Lords of Chaos"? It's cool... all about the history and social issues of Black and Norse metal. Good read.

Carry on, lads.

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fcukedup

informative. i give a 5 outta 10 for the excessive use of humor and repeating phrases, as well as misuse of Numbers, brackets would do fine to illustrate an author owns thought...

Plan9

I listen to Slayer. Does that count?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Daniel_

Sorry OP.

Manowar, rule 1: Death to False Metal.

Goodbye.

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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partygirl

Wow, no comment.

CyCo PL

I don't see anything about being "kvlt" in that list, so it's not complete.

Lak

Is black metal a broad enough genre to warrant a whole 101 rules? Even if not being Mr Filth counts as two...

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klonnie bomber

as much as i am an enthusiast of black metal that 101 list is priceless! you just nailed every pretentious asshole fan in the genre!
you should post that on metal throne forum and tell them kamrat sent you. theres a LOT of pretentious assholes over there!

---------- Post added at 01:34 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:32 PM ----------

oh that book is great! did you see until the light takes us?

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