My poem - please let me you know your opinions.
 

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The form is good....thought the message eludes me.
Maybe I'm just missing it.

I read the poem three times hoping to gain insight into what you intended to say in it....and am still trying.

I do very much like the "Way" it is written though.

basically its about the soul, Man is made out of water scientifically, hence Man is Water. The poem just highlights a few challenges that Man meets. Martyrdom is used in the sense of freedom/struggle.

is this making sense?

Yes....now it makes sense....thanx

'Tongues entangle the message
Water strangles the passage'

My opinions:
This should be the bookend stanza. Also, the syntax of lines such as 'Expansion deluges in vein' and 'Innovation barrages our loin' contrast too starkly with the much more poetic 'senses mingle with the wind' I think your message is too contrived in its present state. Say what you want to say, then make the words fit around that. Don't let the meter, or simply the aural qualities of the words you choose get in the way.

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Karsey, that's MUCH better! I really didn't mean to insinuate you were bad at poetry...i don't think many poems are ever perfect in their first draft. Anyway, the changes make a lot of difference, the pun on 'vein' is also more noticeable with the inclusion of the 'Ascension' change. Keep it up.

(by the way, as you're new here, i will suggest posting any other of your poems in the same thread. I would suggest that to everyone, i just meant as you're new you might appreciate the hint :p)

Thanks :)

I have changed the word Loin to frame to represent the Body.
Cheers