mojodragon

This is the beginning of a book I've just started writing. I was hoping that I could get a little feedback before I get too far into it. I've already got an outline for the whole book, including most major plot turns. Now, all I have to do is actually start writing it. Well, here's what I've got so far:


edit: removed section to avoid confusion. The actual beginning of the book can be found starting at reply # 6

Hain

Nice story. I like the suddenness of being thrown into a situation. Try some of my stuff: The Wanderer's Chronicles.

I like the flow of the dialogue between characters, good stuff. Just a suggestion for a final copy, start it off with a dream so that we readers know that the Shadow Priest is for Trelon. I could tell right away that he was. And a dream sequence is a way to show the human side for your protagonist who, I assume, will be on a journey fending for his life and may at some points lose that human side to him.

Good stuff, keep it up, I love short stories by aspiring authors, and I myself live for writting my own stuff (when I find the time).

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mojodragon

Thank you. I was just thinking that I needed to expand what I've written so far, to explain a little better. A dream sequence would be a great way to do it, then I could lead a little into Trelon's life. I want to do a better job of setting up Trelon's personallity. I'll see where that leads me.

mojodragon

edit: removed dream section to avoid confusion. The dream section can be found in full starting at reply # 6

tecoyah

Excellent....I will await updates as I wait for the next wheel of time book to come out.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

mojodragon

I've slightly changed it, with some advice from my wife. I'm sorry, I'll try to keep large changes like this to a minimum.

The unnatural shadow was growing, and Trelon had nowhere left to run. Even though he was running for his life, he couldn’t help but stop and notice how beautiful everything was. Maybe he was just soaking in one last breath of purity before the shadow closed in on him. The sun was bright, sending sharp rays through the willowy clouds. A gentle breeze blew the tall grass back and forth. A butterfly danced around his head, oblivious to the danger approaching.

The shadow closed the circle around Trelon, leaving a single spot of light in the field. Trelon couldn’t move more than twelve paces in any direction without being consumed by the shadow. Once the circle was closed, and Trelon was trapped, the shadow stopped moving. It was playing with him, like a cat batting around a wounded mouse.

Trelon had thought everything was silent before, but suddenly, there were absolutely no sounds. The crickets stopped chirruping, the birds stopped singing, and even the grass stopped rustling in the wind. The darkness started swirling in one section of the shadow, like a figure was moving through fog. It wasn’t fog, though, it was darkness. It shouldn’t act like that.

A man stepped out of the shadow, dressed all in black. He was wearing a full suit of armor, of the purest black metal. Trelon could tell the metal had been polished until it should have shined, but it didn’t. The metal absorbed all light.

Trelon couldn’t see the man’s face, because he was wearing a hooded cloak. The cloak was clasped in front with a black circular emblem. A circle with a six pointed star inside it, each star poking out of the circle just a little. Funny how you notice the little things right before you are about to die.

The man pulled his sword out of his sheath, and Trelon’s breath caught. He had never seen anything like it before in his life. It was made of black metal, which wasn’t really surprising, given the stranger’s armor. What were surprising; however, were the black flames that danced along the length of the blade. They acted like normal fire, except for the color. Also, instead of giving off light they sucked it in.

“A gift from the Shadow God,” the man said. Trelon was still thinking about the strange black flames as the sword pierced his heart…

*****

Trelon was fifteen this year, and should have known better. A dream was just a dream, after all. He told himself that, and yet it didn’t help. He couldn’t shake the fear. He couldn’t get that dark figure out of his head. He knew that he wasn’t real, but that didn’t stop Trelon from looking under his bed before he got into it, or from checking over his shoulder every so often. He had gotten overly nervous, and there was nothing he could do about it. He had died in every building in town, in his dreams. Nowhere was safe to him anymore. He was going to have to leave soon, he just knew it. That was ok, though. It wasn’t exactly normal, but people left town every now and then. His disappearance could just be explained away, if anyone ever really cared to ask.

He’d been having this dream more and more often lately. He hadn’t told anyone about it yet, he was worried they’d think he was crazy. He looked out the window, to try and gauge what time it was. Mid morning! How could he have slept in so late? Azindrd would never let him live this down! He was supposed to help reorganize the library in the basement of the church today. He got dressed as quickly as he could, and ran out the door in the direction of the church.

He had always been fond of running, which nobody could really understand. Why would anyone run so much, when there were perfectly good horses around to do the running for you? This was one of the many reasons people found him strange. He used the time to sort out the dream, and store it away for later reflection. Nothing different had happened this time, but there seemed to be a little more urgency.

The burning in his legs brought him out of his dark musings. This was one of his favorite parts of running. The tightness in his lungs, the slight ache in his legs, this was how he knew he was alive. This pain helped him, kept him focused.

Why was he doing this? It was mid-morning, and here he was running to the church to help organize. Of course, it was sort of his fault the library was such a mess. He thought of the mess as a sort of tribute. He had spent two days making the mess, why should he spend time cleaning it up? It wouldn’t be such a mess now if it had been more organized in the beginning, after all.

Trelon had tried to research the symbol from his dream, a couple of weeks ago. He spent two days looking through books, trying to find a picture, or even some kind of text describing it. He had left books in precarious piles on the floor, after discovering that they held nothing for him. There hadn’t been any order to the books in the first place, why should he bother trying to put them back when he was done?

In one of the books, he had found a reference to the Shadow God, but it didn’t say very much. In the second volume of the Trials of Luria, he had found more questions than answers. It was the part where Luria had gotten lost in the Bruktain Mountains. She came across an altar to an unknown god. On the front of the altar was a six sided star, inside of a circle. He couldn’t really remember what happened to her after she found the altar. He did remember that the book had a picture of the symbol.

Wait a second! Why didn’t I pay more attention to that? He thought. That was exactly what I was looking for, and I just threw that book aside like all the rest. What was I thinking? He made a mental note to get that book, as soon as he got to the church. It was very important to him to figure out that symbol.

*****

Azindrd had already gotten started by the time Trelon got there. “Nice of you to show up, Trelon.”

“I’m sorry, Az. I…slept in.” Trelon was about to say something about the nightmare, but caught himself just in time. He just shrugged and started picking up books.

“That’s ok, I only just started. Father Rey had me tending to the garden this morning.” Az said, as he put away the Trials of Luria. “I’ve always had a secret crush on Luria”, he said, looking wistfully at one of the books Trelon was holding.

“You say that like you’ve actually met her.” Trelon said, flipping the book over to look at the cover. This one was different than most books. While most books in the library were either plain leather bound, the cover on this one was wood. Also, it had this strange symbol carved on the front that tugged at Trelon’s memory. What an odd star… “She lived over a thousand years ago, you know.”

“Yeah, I know, but I feel like I know her. I’ve read her story a dozen times, at least. She was the reason we don’t all worship the Shadow God, you know.”

“The Shadow God? Who’s that?” Trelon asked, dusting off one of the book shelves. A gift from the Shadow God. Trelon dropped the duster.

“See, that’s what I mean. The fact that most people have never heard of him is thanks to her. She imprisoned him at the height of his power, in front of his entire army of followers. Amazing woman.” Az glanced over at Trelon. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m ok. I saw a spider. You know how I hate spiders.” I’m going to have to get over that fear of spiders, Trelon thought. “You know, it’s been a long time since she lived. Did you ever think that some of her actions have been blown out of proportion since then?”

“Maybe, but that doesn’t matter. I was just telling you why I liked her, not asking you if you approved.”

“Don’t get touchy. I was just trying to say…”

“I know what you were trying to say, I just get a little edgy sometimes. I’m sorry, Trelon.” He coughed, blowing the dust out of his face.

“Let’s go outside for a little while. The fresh air will do us some good. You can show me your garden.”

*****

Father Rey was sitting under one of the apple trees in front of the church, when Azindrd and Trelon came outside. That Trelon sure is an odd one, he thought. They sat down on the steps of the church, talking quietly between them. At one point, Az seemed to get a little agitated, but he calmed down again almost immediately. Then, they both got up and started for the back yard, presumably to go to the garden.

As they rounded the corner and disappeared from sight, Father Rey turned back to his musings. He was just getting settled into his daydream again, when he noticed a figure heading for the church. The person was walking, so it would take him a while to get here.

“Father Rey, I need to speak with you for a moment, if I may,” the traveler said when he finally made it to the church. “Inside, if you please.”

“Why certainly, Mr…” Rey said, hoping to elicit the man’s name.

“Introductions as soon as we get inside, I promise. I’d rather preserve my privacy a little, if you know what I mean.”

“Of course, of course. Right this way.” Priests had to deal with all sorts of personal problems, so this wasn’t really an odd request. Father Rey could make a very healthy sum of money if he weren’t as concerned about discretion and keeping secrets. He half suspected that was what kept the church donations flowing as smoothly as they did, but if it works, it works, right?

The man was tall, a few inches taller than Father Rey. He was wearing reasonably nondescript clothing, dark green in color. It looked like it would blend very nicely in the forest. His cloak was a dark brown, matching the color of the tree trunks. He could probably hide pretty effectively. It was obvious that he wasn’t local, though. Even if Father Rey didn’t know everyone within three days ride, he’d still be able to place this man as an outsider. His clothes were a little too fine, the fit just a little too perfect. Oddly, though, there weren’t any signs of travel. He didn’t have a mount, and he wasn’t carrying any supplies. He came from far away, but hadn’t traveled very far? All of this had to be sorted out. Rey didn’t like to leave any loose ends lying about.

*****
-Edit: Begin added material-

Kreyu stopped just inside the doorway of the church. He held his hands out in front of himself, curving them as if he were holding onto an invisible ball. A faint blue glimmer appeared between his hands. The glimmer solidified into a blue orb. He started to pull his hands apart, causing the orb to grow. Turning his hands palm-up, he watched as the orb grew to surround him. Fully covering him, the blue orb deflated and settled into his skin. The light disappeared, but the power stayed behind.

He didn’t think that he was going to get attacked in this backwater church, but it didn’t hurt to prepare. It never hurt to wear a protection spell. Being a High Priest of the Shadow God, he had made some very powerful enemies. Enemies that would stop at nothing to see the Shadow silenced.

With renewed confidence, Kreyu stepped into the church. He stepped aside to allow Father Rey in. He glanced around the sanctuary, focusing on the few worshippers that were inside, lost in their own prayers. “I don’t know where your office is. Perhaps you should lead the way.”

“Of course.” Rey opened the door to the hallway, and went inside. Opening the door to his office, he said a little prayer. “I don’t believe you’ve told me your name yet.”

“In this life, I am called Kreyu. I am a servant of the Shadow.” The traveler walked into the office, and over to the bookshelf. He ran his finger along the books, and pulled one out, seemingly at random.

Every hair on Rey’s body stood on end. This stranger must be very confident, to be so open about his allegiances. “Well, Kreyu, what brings you to our little corner of the world?” Father Rey moved to stand behind his desk. There was some comfort here, with the desk standing between himself and Kreyu. He didn’t know what the traveler could do to him, here in his own church, but he didn’t want to be within arms reach.

“My god sent me on this mission to find someone, and to deliver a message.” Very confident, indeed. “I was hoping you would be able to help me find him.”

“I assure you, nobody in our village would have done anything to attract the attention of the Unnamed One.”

“Oh, he didn’t actually do anything…yet. I was sent to make sure that he doesn’t.” Kreyu walked over to the window, flipping through the book. A movement in the courtyard caught his eye. He looked out to find the one he was looking for, just standing out in plain sight for all to see. For some reason he had thought his target should be cowering in fear, hiding under his bed. For the one to be outside, doing something as normal as tending a garden, didn’t quite make sense. He laughed at the irony of it all.

“So, what of this message? You aren’t going to kill anyone, are you?” Father Rey asked, preparing a devastating attack spell to unleash on the traveler, should he answer incorrectly.

“Actually, my message has already been delivered. Now I must return to my studies.”

Rey watched as Kreyu walked out of his office, and down the hall. He made sure that the traveler left the church, and then returned to his office. He walked over to his desk, where Kreyu had left the book. “The one had split, facing separate destinies. On one path, a horrible shadow covered the world. On the other, illumination brought peace to all.” The passage wasn’t familiar, so Rey closed the book to read the cover. Shadow Prophecies? Where did this come from?

-Edit: End added material-

*****

“So, when will they be ready to pick?” Trelon asked, as he stooped down to admire the tomatoes.

“A few weeks, I think.” Az answered, looking on proudly. “They’re doing well, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, you did a good job.” Trelon looked up at Az. A movement in one of the windows caught his eye, but he didn’t really have a good angle. The sun was at just the right position to cast a shadow on the window, and shine almost directly in Trelon’s eyes. He could just make out a dark figure in the window. He couldn’t tell exactly, but it looked like the person was looking at him. Yes, as a matter of fact, he was looking directly at Trelon.

“What is it?” Az turned around to look where Trelon was looking, but didn’t see anything. “What’s wrong with you?”

Trelon was backing away from the church, trampling the tomato plants in the process. Az would have fussed at him, if it wasn’t for the look on Trelon’s face. All color had completely drained out of Trelon’s face, and his mouth was working silently. Az thought he heard Trelon saying something about running, and the Shadow God, but he couldn’t tell for sure. Trelon finally got to his feet, and stumbled out of the garden. He was running at full speed before Azindrd could get his own feet to work. Trelon was much faster than Az normally, and this time he had fear to fuel him. Az could just hope Trelon would stop sooner or later so they could talk.

*****

tecoyah

I love the changes......you worked the dream into the fabric flawlessly.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Hain

That's even better! Nice Work. ;-)

__________________

////\\// IRONSKY.NET \\//\\\\

mojodragon

I've added a section. Look for the -Edit: Begin added material- tag.

Chapter 1 is now complete.

mojodragon

For those of you that are wasting your time reading this thread, here is the first part of Chapter 2. I'm pretty happy with it so far, so I doubt I'll be making many changes to this part. Ch 2 isn't done yet, though. I'll post Ch2 part2 as soon as I get it done. Also, the more observant readers will note that I'm now calling Azindrd by a totally new name! I know it's going to be tough to get used to, but he's now Ozindrd. Sorry for the confusion, but I like the name better that way.

Trelon ran at full speed for as long as he could, his mind replaying the incident in the church window over and over again. It couldn’t have been. How could such a thing be possible? The stranger in black had stepped out of his dream and into the church. Was anywhere safe? He had looked into the man’s eyes, and was trapped. He was a sparrow, entranced by the cobra’s stare. Surely, the sun must have set and risen again in the time Trelon had been held hostage by the stranger’s stare. The eyes had been two flaming orbs, pulsing in the blackness which surrounded the stranger.

Even though he had been out in the courtyard, he could see the reflections in the stranger’s eyes. The entire town was burning in the flames, in the reflection. Misery and death had been this man’s traveling companions.

His legs were just starting to cramp up, which brought him out of his dark memories, and back to reality. Looking around to gain a sense of his location and destination, Trelon realized that he was almost to his house. Just like a horse, he thought, running to the burning stable to escape the fire. Home wasn’t safe, any more than the church was. Well, he was almost there, and nothing had lept out of the shadows to attack him. He couldn’t stay there, though. Just a quick stop to pack and leave a note, and then he’d have to leave. It was a good thing his mom and dad weren’t going to be home until tomorrow. He didn’t think he could bring himself to telling them face to face, why he was leaving.

Mom, Dad, I have to leave town. I saw somebody from a dream, and they scared me. Nah, best to just leave a note saying he was joining the traveling circus, or something like that. They’d accept that explanation, long before they’d accept the truth. It wasn’t unheard of for young men to leave town, searching for a larger purpose. He would just be one of those people. Did you hear about the Bracias boy? Left last fall and joined the king’s army. I always knew he would make something of his life. That sounded much better than running from a dream.

Trelon finally got to his house, and ran inside to pack for the trip. He didn’t know how long he was going to be on the road, and really had no idea what kind of supplies he should take with him. It occurred to him that he would need food and money, and maybe some extra clothes.

He went into his parent’s room, and pulled out his father’s old chest. He had gone through this chest a couple times, looking at all of his father’s war trophies. He had even tried on his father’s armor, back when he was six or seven. Looking at it now, he wondered how his father had survived the wars. It didn’t look trusty at all. Dents, scratches, and is that a blood stain? No, just rust, but I can’t see anyone wearing this into battle. He threw the armor aside, and started looking for the good stuff. If trouble found him, that armor wouldn’t do him any good anyway. In his pack, it wouldn’t stop many blades or arrows. And forget wearing it. If trouble found him, his best bet would be to drop everything and run his heart out. It would be very difficult to drop armor that he was wearing. No, leave the armor.

Trelon pulled out a dagger, which had been resting under the armor. Now this, I can use, he thought. He pulled the blade out of the sheath, and tried to twirl it in his fingers, like he’d seen his father do a thousand times. Well, I can learn to use it, he thought, as he bent to pick it up. It had fallen to the floor, and buried itself half an inch into the wood, right beside his foot. He wouldn’t try that trick for a while, he thought, as he put the blade back into his sheath. He tied the leather thongs to his leg, attaching the blade just above his ankle. That shouldn’t slow him down too much.

Next, he pulled out his father’s traveling bag. It was old, and one of the straps was torn, but it would just have to do. He opened it up and placed it at his feet.

First to go into the bag was a small piece of flint. Then, he put an old tin cup and flask. He’d have to fill the flask from the well before he left. He put the armor back into the chest, and pushed it back under the bed. Picking up his bag, he went out into the family room to get the rest of the things he’d need.

*****

Ozindrd wasn’t too worried about losing Trelon. He was faster than Oz, but wasn’t able to run at those speeds for long. Plus, he was heading to his house. Oz ran along at an even pace, and arrived at Trelon’s house unwinded. The front door was open, so he just went inside. “Trelon? Are you in here?”

As he said this, Trelon came out of one of the rooms in the back. He was holding a brown bag, which he promptly dropped when he realized he wasn’t alone in the house.

“Oh, Oz. You scared me.” He said, picking the bag up again.

“I’m sorry. Where are you going?” Oz said, looking from the bag, to the dagger on Trelon’s leg, and back to Trelon’s face.

“I have to leave town. I have to get away from here.” Trelon didn’t want to actually talk to anyone before he left, because of the question that Oz was going to ask…why?

“Ok, let me get my stuff and I’m coming with you.” Oz said, turning to leave.

Trelon was confused that Oz hadn’t asked him, so he did it himself. “That’s it? You’re not going to ask me why?”

“Would you tell me if I did? I know that you’re running from something, and I figure it must be pretty bad, given the color of your face right now. But, I also know that you’ll tell me when you feel like it, and it won’t help for me to try to drag it out of you.” Oz turned to leave again.

“Oz, you can’t go…”

“Trelon, there is no way you’re going to see Cretvi without me! I’m coming with you, and that’s final.”

He thought about leaving before Oz could get back, but something told him that was a bad idea. “Fine, go get your stuff. But try not to let anyone know why.”

“That’ll be easy enough. I don’t know why, remember? I’ll make something up. I think Father Rey’s been expecting me to leave any day now, anyway. I’ll just tell him that I’m going to search for my parents. He won’t believe me, but he won’t try to stop me from leaving.” In fact, you could tell your parents that you’re going to help me. With that, Oz ran back out the door, and headed back to the church.

“Meet me at the split tree. I’m leaving as soon as the sun sets.” Oz raised his hand to show that he had heard. Trelon shook his head, and went back to his packing.

*****

Oz made it back to the church, and went to his room. His room was a small office, which had been converted into a living space by the addition of a small cot. He could probably carry all of his possessions on his back, he thought.

He couldn’t really complain. At least he had somewhere to stay. Father Rey had meant well, but was not really cut out to be a parent. Oz had been the bastard son of a merchant’s guard and the merchant’s daughter. It was a sad story, really. The merchant’s daughter had come along with her father, wanting him to be there for the birth. She had told him that the child’s father was a soldier, and was at war. They had stopped in town, and she delivered the child.

The rest of the story had never been explained to Oz’s satisfaction, but he had wound up being left at the church. Father Rey had taken him in, and raised him as his own son. One day, he wanted to find out the rest of the story, but he still thought of Rey as his father. It was going to be very hard to lie to him.

As he was packing the last of the things he would need, he heard a knock at the door. “You’re leaving?” Father Rey asked, looking at the empty room.

“I…need to find out what happened to my parents,” Oz said, his eyes on his feet. “Trelon is going to help me track them down.”

Father Rey caught the lie, but decided to just let it pass. “You’ll need a good, warm cloak, then. Why don’t you let me pack you some things? I have a few items that may help you find your parents.” Rey took the bag, and went to his office. He came back a few minutes later, the pack full and tied shut. “I put some dried meat, some warm clothes, and a little money. It’s not a lot, but you’ll need it out there on the road. Now, you’d better get going. It’s going to get dark soon, and you’ll want to put some road behind you before nightfall.”

Oz took the bag without looking inside, and gave Father Rey a hug. “Thank you, dad,” he said, putting his arms through the straps. “I’ll write if I find out anything.”

He left Father Rey at the steps of the church, and turned to the south. Judging the sun in the sky, he figured that he had plenty of time. No need to run, he thought. He didn’t know where they were going from there, but he really didn’t care. And I will find my parents, he thought.