Kostya

I wrote this short story a couple of nights ago, I'm posting it because I think it needs a lot of work done on it, anyway, I'm not easily offended so please feel free to criticise.

It is a situation peculiar to recent times for the dying to expire with company. In the past, the final chapter of a man’s life has been a solitary journey. This is not to say he is alone, for quite often not a few come to visit him in his last days, but between the dying and the living exists a great chasm, and their farewells are as those to a great vessel leaving port, born away upon an impatient tide. Alone on their ship, each person makes the final journey in solitude. Dying is a personal business, and it is a curious thing, that in modern times we think nothing of placing a number of dying at a time on a single craft. It is in Death, perhaps even more so than Life, that humanity has its greatest capacity for disagreement.
This capacity was particularly apparent in a small cramped ward in a large cramped hospital where Paul Hartman and Will Deckhard lay.
‘Benevolence? Bullshit Paul! In the time it took for you to say that ten kids probably died of starvation, and you’re talking about a benevolent God? Benevolence isn’t even a possibility, unless you gloss it over with some bullshit answer about mysterious ways! Take out the supposed eternal Paradise, and God’s just a sadist.’ Will’s mouth curved away from his words into a smirk. Paul moved as if to speak, but instead shook his head with subdued anger. He winced physically as he turned to Will, his sunken cheeks rising to meet his glittering eyes.
‘Fffffu…’ He reconsidered,
‘You don’t understand my beliefs man. Forget it.’
‘No no, explain it then, your kind are always so eager to force understanding on us, now you’re hiding behind it? Don’t stop now Paul, live up to your namesake buddy.’ Will’s glee shone through the dusty insults, and Paul sensed it.
‘Not today Will.’
Paul’s gaunt frame, which had risen with the tension of the argument lowered itself slowly and carefully back onto the pillows which propped his torso up. Will, sensing that he was losing control of his quarry, started to make a final lunge at his prey, but was cut short by the metallic clink as a bed shunted open the doors of the ward. Paul rolled awkwardly onto his other side, turning his back on Will, putting an end to any hopes he harboured of reigniting the conflict, Will tucked his elbow underneath him in order to see over Paul. Katie, the afternoon nurse carefully rolled in a bed, the boys craned their necks, only to realize Katie’s infamously brisk stride had brought the occupant close enough for them to see quite clearly without doing so. Nurse Katie rolled the bed into the vacant spot, beside Paul, since Will was already on the opposite side. As the bed came to an abrupt halt, the figure in it awoke slowly, halfheartedly protesting with a sleepy moan.
‘Oh Jen, sorry sweetie, I didn’t mean to wake you up’ Katie cooed absent mindedly as she struggled to untangle the Gordian knot of tubes and wires at the head of the bed.
‘Thas Okaaaay’ Jennifer Hudson found her token reply ambushed by a yawn.
‘Hey Jen.’ Paul was still stinging from his altercation with Will, but was glad she had interrupted it. Jen signaled a reply, with her left hand, still in the thrall of the strange exhaustion that comes with waking. She yawned again, silently, settling her head on her pillow, trying to keep her hair from falling over her face, and finally clasping her hands under her chin smiled up at them.
‘What’s up boys?’
Paul tried to think of a diplomatic response, but Will pounced first.
‘Jen, do you think God is benevolent? Like, I mean you know, is God a nice guy, despite all the pain and suffering in the world, or do you think that’s stupid?’ He leaned forward with anticipation. The heavy load attached to the question hung above Paul as Jen frowned almost imperceptibly before inhaling sharply to respond.
‘I dunno.’ She mused giving her shoulders an obligatory shrug.
The stakes melted away as Jen’s innocent and truthful reply unintentionally destroyed Will’s argument.
‘How are you doing anyway?’ Paul quickly led her away from the battle.
‘Um,’ she covered her face with her hands and spoke from under them in a muffled plea ‘I dunno, I’m doing okay, just, scared I guess, you know?’
Paul let his head fall back onto his pillows,
‘Living in fear of death is no way to live I say.’ He uttered magnanimously, with a sigh. Jen’s hands danced a little, hoping nobody would notice them wipe away some rebellious tears. Will sniffed maliciously, rising further onto his elbow to speak.
‘Yeah, you always say something.’
Paul turned his head towards Will to respond, but Will’s tongue lashed out rapidly to prevent him.
‘Only Goddamn Christians say stupid shit like that. It’s easy for you to spout your bullshit to us as if your apple pie wisdom means something. What would you know about dying? Jen and I are the ones dying here you pompous wanker, you’re just waiting for a transition, from life to afterlife. We’re facing a real death, in all its terrible monstrosity, and you’re telling us not to fear it. What have you got to fear huh? Nothing that’s what, you’ve got a nice little delusion to comfort you. Don’t give us this living in fear lecture Paul, only clueless theists ever use it.’ Will’s face twisted into a malign sneer as he ejaculated his angry tirade quietly in his eloquent argumentative voice with the serrated edge. Jen took refuge under her sheets, from which distressed sobbing emitted. Paul’s anger almost overcame him, but he refused to cede victory to Will outright.
‘How dare you! What the fuck is wrong with you man? Fuck’s sake, look what you’ve done to Jen! You’re a fucking prick you know that?’ He whispered angrily, his fiery gaze blazing at Will’s smug attempt at innocence. Gesticulating wildly, Will retorted with cold, calculated accuracy.
‘Oh she’s upset? She’s fucking dying Paul, Jeeesus fucking Christ!’ He emphasized the curse with cruel relish.
‘What the fuck is wrong with me? We call this condition honesty Paul, you dick. She should be upset, she’s dying, but I guess we could all play tea party if you want. Fucking hell.’ Will raised his eyebrows with an incredulous countenance befitting a defense lawyer representing Charles Manson. Paul’s response almost leapt out his throat, but reeled in the words with a repressed growl. He turned his back to Will again, reaching his long arm across the gap between the beds to pat Jen’s shuddering shoulder. Will’s triumph dissolved like a sugar blossom in his acidic mood, and his sneer collapsed into a poker face as he slumped onto his side, facing the wall, the motion knocking the air from his inflated chest with a sharp exhalation, followed by an abrupt watery cough.
It was not until after dinner that the three spoke again. Will had eaten very little, and had spent his time playing a sadistic game with his peas. At first he had formed them into tiny armies and had squashed them individually as the miniature battle progressed, and just when it seemed that the right hand army had captured the plate, he had lost interest and squished them all indiscriminately with the flat of his knife, even chasing a few escapees behind his mashed potato before executing them mercilessly. The night nurse Danielle came in as the last of the recalcitrant rebels were being put to death. Paul buried himself in the pages of his tattered and well loved Bible, while Jen vacantly watched Neighbours.
‘Will, you’ve hardly touched your food, is something wrong?’ Danielle asked innocently.
Quietly, but coldly, Will retorted through his teeth ‘Yes there is Danielle, Paul is irritating me.’
Paul pretended not to hear, though his finger stopped just as it was about to turn a page.
‘How?’ Danielle queried.
‘Well, I just don’t like him reading that Bible of his, it irritates me.’ He addressed Danielle, but looked to Paul with sadistic anticipation.
‘What exactly is it about my Bible that irritates you Will?’ he sighed, gingerly closing it and preparing for the sequel to the afternoon’s argument.
‘Well it’s a slap in the face! I mean, keep it to yourself.’
‘I was keeping it to myself until you brought it up.’
Danielle quickly headed for the door, her footsteps reverberating loudly around the room as her shoes rudely clashed with the polished linoleum floor.
‘Yeah, off you go Danielle, go complain to Sandra about “That awful Will boy” why don’t you, off you go, this is our friggin cemetery, the living have no place here! Understand?’ Will’s acerbic barrage bounced off the swinging door, Danielle had already escaped, leaving only the subtle aroma of her cheap perfume and the fading echoes of her feet in the hallway outside.
‘Will…’ Paul started, but his words were cut off by the juggernaut of Will’s rage.
‘Shut up Paul, just shut up, you asked me a question, so I’ll answer it! Why do I hate your Bible? Because I hate the stink of lies! I hate the bullshit, dishonest crap they try to sell in that thing. I don’t play make believe with life Paul, the Bible’s always going on about justice and mercy, fuck that! Don’t make me laugh, justice? Where’s the justice Paul, you’re lying there like a chump reading up on justice, murderers are going to die in their sleep, happy and contented, along with all the other sinners, while you’re dead before you even got a chance at life, just like little old heathen me Paul. It’s the biggest fucking lie ever created Paul, and watching you read it offends me okay! It’s the big fucked up lullaby they sing you before the big sleep! You’re just a fucking weakling, you need a fucking crutch to deal with life don’t you!’ Will’s malice had given way to anger as he spoke, and now his rage stumbled and died in his throat as tears streamed down his cheeks and wrapped around his neck strangling the force from his voice. Paul’s eyes flashed angrily as he studied Will’s quivering visage, with difficulty, he swallowed the tirade which scrambled up his throat, and spoke with in slow deliberate verse.
‘So you resent the fact that the Bible gives me faith from which I draw strength? You’re the weak one Will, not me.’ Will leaned over and tore the Gideon’s Bible from the drawer next to his bed, it’s shiny vinyl cover flashed as he flung it weakly across the ward. It fluttered awkwardly like a wounded bird, before plummeting to the harsh floor with an unceremonious slap, splaying open, exposing its paper entrails.
‘I don’t need a fucking fairytale!’ Will hoarsely condemned the fallen book with his words, but his anger had abandoned him long before. Paul looked on confused as Will doubled over, and stricken with silent sobs made a futile to hide by turning towards the wall. His sobs were silent, but a stubborn joint in the bed sung with distress in time to them. Jen pulled the sheets up to her chin and became even more transfixed by the television.
The rest of the evening passed almost in silence, broken only briefly when Danielle bustled in and out like a gust of wind to distribute medication, pretending to be in a tremendous hurry. The lights were turned off at eleven, and secretly they all welcomed the privacy of the darkness. Only Jen slept.
Early the following day, Paul’s sister and girlfriend came to take him home. Their smiles were shiny with tears, and they laughed over the top of their sobs as the nurses disconnected his frail figure from the wall.
‘Goodbye Jen.’ Paul managed a counterfeit smile. Jen’s smile was bludgeoned into a painful grimace by the silent sobs she choked back while her thin pale hands smeared her face with glassy tears. Paul turned over painfully, to be met by Will’s back.
‘You don’t need to hear it, and I’m not saying it Paul. It’s your death not mine.’ Will’s bitter voice bounced off the wall.
‘Goodbye W-ill.’ His farewell was jolted midway as Katie’s firm grip pulled the bed towards the door. Jen waved weakly, and inhaled her sobs, breathing in like a car with a flat battery. The sound of Katie’s fading footsteps was shut out as the doors were inexorably borne on their hinges back together with a harsh clang. They hung there, motionless for a few seconds, only to be disturbed again, as a tall youth pushed them back again as he entered. He turned to close them behind him carefully, preventing them from reaching their customary collision. Jen’s grief evapourated as she recognised the young man.
‘Ben!’ She beckoned him to her with outreached arms, hugging the empty space between them. He flowed from the door to her arms in a single fluid stride, trying to hug her, but instead awkwardly clinging to her torso while trying not to overbalance onto the bed.
‘Baby? What’s wrong?’ He wiped away the moist sheen from her left cheek.
‘Huh? Oh, nothing, don’t worry about it…’ Jen’s face exploded into joyous mirth,
‘Ohmigod! Mr. Bear!’ she gasped, as she grabbed the small stuffed toy dangling awkwardly from Ben’s hand. Her lithe arms encircled the hapless creature, strangling it with loving care. She buried her face into the thinning fur on top of its head muffling her girlish squeals of delight.
‘Yeah, um your Mum gave me Mr. Bear to give to you, she wanted to come by, but like… you know…’ His prepared spiel meandered into silence.
‘Oh thank youuuuuuuuuu’ sung Jen, still throttling Mr. Bear with her free arm, while caressing the back of Ben’s hand.
‘So how you doin anyways babygirl?’ he playfully touched her nose.
She giggled in complaint ‘Be-en, do-on’t, doooon’t. I’m good I guess.’ From the other side of the ward, the faint sound of Will’s breath escaping through his teeth wafted over the empty space left by Paul.
‘You staying baby?’ Jen’s plea died in the air as Ben suddenly looked to his watch.
‘Sorry bub, I’m supposed to be at work now, but I promise I’ll come tomorrow morning first thing with your Mum to pick you up.’ He sighed. Jen’s arms tightened around Mr. Bear, she pouted playfully.
‘Okay bubba. Kiss?’ She craned forward expectantly, and Ben met her lips briefly, before taking her porcelain face in his hands and gazing into her dark eyes.
Bye honey.’
‘Bye.’
Ben trudged out, trailed by a flapping fragment of denim which refused to abandon his jeans. Jen turned on the television, and sat Mr. Bear on her lap, hugging him to her chest and watched a cartoon in silence.
It had been a long day, and as Will silently dissected his jelly, Jen suddenly switched off the TV, and rolled over to face him. Will continued to be engrossed in his macabre ritual for almost a minute, before her stare disconcerted him.
‘What?’ He uttered, surrendering to the game.
‘Will… how long do you think before Paul, you know.’ She mused from between the frayed ears of Mr. Bear whose head she rested her chin upon.
‘Dies?’
‘Yeah.’ She whispered. Will pushed the tray back to the side of the bed and reclined back onto his pillows to stare at the roof, as Paul had habitually done during his time there.
‘I dunno Jen, I mean what the fuck? I don’t know what your asking me.’ His words seemed irritated, but his voice was simply tired.
‘I mean, do you think he’ll go to a… better place?’
‘You know exactly what I think. But I mean fuck, if he’s dead right now, he’s in a better place than me isn’t he, cause he’s not scared anymore whether he’s right or wrong. What the hell do you want me to say?’ He muttered roughly. A pebble of pain dropped into Jen’s face, waves of sadness rippled across her features, across the room and broke on Will’s craggy stare. He exhaled some smoky regret through his nostrils,
‘I wasn’t always like this you know Jen, not when I was living, I was a nice guy back then.’ Jen screwed up her nose, as if Will’s words were an offensive odour.
‘Will, no offense, but you are anything but a nice guy.’ She offered, a wince flashing across her cheeks, anticipating the backlash.
‘I know.’ He exhaled nonchalantly. Jen peered out between Mr. Bear’s ears, searching for the gleam of Will’s sarcastic grin. She cleared her throat timidly and tightening her stranglehold on Mr. Bear, slightly horrified at her own boldness, she sung out into the dead air between them all that could be said.
‘Why?’
Will shifted a little, letting his head roll to the side, viewing her from under his unkempt fringe with glittering eyes.
‘Because I can.’ He stated, simply as if that was the end of the matter. Jen paused for a second and waited, Will continued to stare at her from the thickets of his fringe, she drew breathe quickly and craned her neck to speak over Mr. Bear, but as if he had been waiting for this signal, Will began speaking again, aborting her question with an answer.
‘I don’t see a point in it all now, being nice, being liked, that’s their way not mine, bein nice is for the living. They’ve got time, I don’t, so what’s the point, what’s the point to any of their shit if you’re a dead man?’ His rhetorical question seemed addressed to the wall behind Jen.
‘When you’re dying, you’ve got nothing to live for, and then it’s pretty easy to forget about nice things. I wanted to live Jen, but I didn’t even get a fucking chance, sue me if I’m pissed off about it.’ His matter of fact manner started to crackle as the embers of dead anger glowed again.
‘But, I mean, it’s nobody’s fault Will.’ Jen half whispered.
‘Yeah? Well that doesn’t help me does it? I don’t even have someone to blame do I!? Fuck em, fuck the lot of them, from stupid teenage kids toying with the idea of suicide because they think they’re misunderstood to the smiley pensioners with their fifty years of wedded bliss and their old timey clothes, why shouldn’t I hate them? I hate them, because they get to live while I die. I hate them, and I hate me, along with everyone else, and I hate the fact that I don’t care!’ Will’s anger died away again as he spoke, and his bitter thoughts spilled out like casual bus stop talk.
‘That’s a horrible way to live Will.’ Jen’s confused assertion shattered like glass against rock on Will’s resolute visage, but slowly, the right corner of his lips curled up into a melancholy smile.
‘Horrible way to die too.’ He remarked sadly, ‘But that’s the way you die for my cause.’
‘What cause is that?’ Jen leaned forward, trying not to look at the tears silently escaping down Will’s cheeks.
‘Injustice, in all its horrific beauty. I’m dying in the name of Injustice. For all the righteous people who have been run over by drunken fuckwits in souped up cars, for all the geniuses who were slaughtered by fools, for the parents who outlive their children. It is a luxury afforded to a carcass like me to view the world I am departing in all its naked perversity, those who have live in it clothe it in illusion and perfume it with lies to mask its rotting flesh and its filthy stench in order to make it bearable, it’s the only way to live, you’d be a fool if you didn’t. I would have too if I had a chance, but I don’t, and the monstrosity of the truth is no consolation Jen. It’s not death I hate, but living in death, rotting away in this bed knowing there’s nothing between it and me but pain. Death, in comparison, doesn’t seem so bad. I mean, death’s a terrible thing when it robs you of life, but when it ends pain, maybe it’s to be welcomed. I’m tired Jen, tired of all this shit. I mean, all this crap they give us, all these chemicals they’re pumping into me, its not treatment anymore, it’s embalmment Jen. Fuck.’ Will went silent, and slowly rolled back onto his back, as if suddenly there was nothing more to say. Meanwhile Jen hugged Mr. Bear to her face, smothering rebellious sobs that spasmodically attacked her otherwise motionless body.
Nothing more was said that night, though both were possessed with an intense desire to speak, both were silenced by the fear that the desire was not reciprocal, and instead lay asphyxiating in the viscous silence that submerged the room. Breath only returned when the cold fluorescent lights were switched off and the obligation to ignore each other was relieved by the solitude of darkness. Jen’s mind was slowly lulled by the familiar mechanised mating calls of the machines and the soft caress of Mr. Bears fur on her chin, and as the nightmare of waking life faded she could not help but abandon herself to the embrace of gentle sleep.
Her torpor was torn from her rudely by the soothing tones of Katie and Ben softly calling her name. Jen managed one of her irritated moans, before slipping momentarily back into a dream about an island, which was in turn shattered by the touch of her mother’s hand on her face.
‘Jen? Honey? Hey there darling.’ She exclaimed, kissing her lightly on the cheek. Jen smiled mutely, while the world flowed back into her mind. She clumsily mauled her face with her palm to massage her jolting thoughts into motion.
‘Hey Mummy.’ She yawned.
‘Jen, it’s time to go, we didn’t want to wake you, but they’re waiting to take you home ok? We’ve already put all your stuff in the car.’
‘Hmmm? What time is it?’
‘Almost eleven Bub.’ Ben interjected with hollow cheer.
Jen slumped back onto her pillow with fatigue.
‘Will, why didn’t you wake me up earlier, I wante…’
Everyone’s eyes plummeted to the floor, before making a vain attempt to cover the conspiracy by wandering in contrived paths across the mundane landscape of the hospital room. Jen turned over, to find Will’s bed empty and already immaculately made, ready for the next victim. Before the question began, Katie’s lie, rehearsed and polished was thrown over the answer.
‘Will’s out at the minute sweetie, the doctors want to run some tests, you know how they are.’ She recited with far too much enthusiasm. The lie thrust the truth into view, but Jen played her part in the morbid scene with serene dignity.
‘Oh.’ She exclaimed with irritation, ‘Well then say Bye for me Kate.’ The deception didn’t come naturally to Katie, and she didn’t even hear the request, let alone respond to it, but prompted like spooked livestock by Jen’s voice began trotting towards the door, dragging behind her Jen’s bed. Jen clutched Mr. Bear to her chest, as the doors were rudely thrust aside for the last time, and she kissed the top of his head as her raft sailed away from the boat.

amonkie

I like this! the ending with Katie's reaction to Jen was an interesting twist, I would have assumed she'd be used to such responses. Will playing with his foods was a really cool way to describe some of his personality. Thanks for sharing!

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Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Kostya

Yey, someone read my story...

Thanks for the insight...

losthellhound

Great stuff. I really like it..

needs more Bruce Lee

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"Life is possible only with illusions. And so, the question for the science of mental health must become an absolutely new and revolutionary one, yet one that reflects the essence of the human condition: On what level of illusion does one live?"
-- Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death