poetry for you to criticize
 

4 August 2002

drifting through souless ashes,
i find no comfort here.
through aeons of mindless masses,
god has yet to appear.

a disillusioned people,
a heaven’s gate they found;
while we beneath the steeple,
think it wondrous to be bound.

“the world will be burned at stake,
destined to be destroyed;
for unbelief and for hate.”
your own will is counted void.

and simply because your soul,
finds no relief in god:
you no longer have control,
“the devil is now your god.”

drifting through souless ashes,
i can find comfort here.
with this my key of knowledge,
happiness is found,
in a life without fear.

--

08 January 2003 - to sweet pea

forever hanging ‘round
the blur of a forgotten dream
the lingering smell
of sex and steam

i shake and pound
my head as if
i could rid myself
of tear stained lips

and now even
the powdered stuff
no matter the aesthetics
yet is not enough

are there even pieces
please tell me
i’ve looked on the floor
but i can’t see

cliched childish things
are all that’s left to say
i’m trying to forget
perhaps i’ll find a way

--

please feel free to add your brutal comments ^_^


sadly my puter had an NTLDR error and i was forced to re-formate my hard drive .. and lost quite a few pieces of poetry..

let me know if you'd like to see more .. ^_^

I like the second one much better than the first. It seemed much more inventive.

Something in your rhythm makes reading that first one seem like a chore. It's too stilted.

(Hey, nothing against you though. You did ask for brutal comments, didn't you? Share more. )

-D.S.

I liked both of them. Is the second one about addiction?
The first seems to be about trouble with god. Thanks for sharing.

the first one was meant to be a stiff rhyme because i was writing it as a song .. i do believe i'll fix it .. thanks for the opinion expressed..

the second one is somewhat about addiction ..

They were both good, the second one had a better flow to it.

If you're going to rhyme in a lilting way be sure that the syllable count matches otherwise it seems choppy.

You give some good visuals here.
I would like to see more.
Too bad you lost your old work. This time, keep back up files! :)