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Old 04-30-2003, 10:24 AM   #1 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Room Nineteen
the first poem i'm posting on here

I liked it then
When
The stench of cheap markers
occupied my mind

Bleep, blop, bloop
Now I sit at a table,
one that I own
and color in the empty space
creating shadows
without the lines telling me to.
Hands placed firmly on the paper
twirling it upside down when necessary
Head cocked to the side
and a little too close to the paper.

My eyes are focused on that one
empty space
Trying to bring back
those
innocent
feelings
joys

But my mind wanders to
what I must do today,
past pains,
and being a Grown Up.

Last edited by little limey; 04-30-2003 at 10:28 AM..
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Old 04-30-2003, 10:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
Banned?
 
Location: Artic Tundra
The stench of cheap markers is really good imagery, Really makes you think back to sitting in a desk and coloring, trying your very best to stay in the lines
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Old 04-30-2003, 01:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Salt Lake City
Very, very nice. Growing up is the biggest detriment to creativity you can ever face. Thanks for sharing this.
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Old 04-30-2003, 02:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Utah
Great work, please post more
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And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart
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Old 04-30-2003, 04:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
Naughty Just Right
 
Angel's Avatar
 
Location: Euphoria
Wonderful visuals! I recall that smell so well! a little trip down memory lane...and then reality!
Thanks for sharing.
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Old 04-30-2003, 04:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Room Nineteen
Thanks for the nice notes! Does anyone have any criticism? I would like some construnctive criticism so i can improve my writing.
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Old 05-01-2003, 12:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
This Space For Rent
 
Location: Davenport, Iowa
This was great!

But, if I would have any criticism, it would be your use of punctuation. It's inconsistent. I'm specifically referring to the use of commas or semicolons.
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Old 05-01-2003, 03:07 PM   #8 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: RI
Good imagary, good part on the trying to fill in the empty spaces. Definately can relate to that. Don't know if you need to worry about the punctuation. Was your spacing intentional, or accident?
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Old 05-01-2003, 05:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Room Nineteen
Yea, I intened for the punctuation and spacing to be like that. Actually I had other spacing but I can't figure out how to indent on this board.
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Old 05-02-2003, 06:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Perth
Thats an interesting poem. I like it. Thankyou for sharing.
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Old 05-03-2003, 08:28 AM   #11 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: A fuzzy cloud.
Hope to read more of your work soon.
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