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Old 10-19-2003, 01:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: Everywhere work sends me
Darkened Skies - Prologue and Chapter One

Its short, its not really to the point, and you might want to find my post that says what this is (unrequited muse) so that you can know why Im posting this here..

Post any comments, I'm checking all the time for feedback, good or bad..

Darkened Skies - Prologue
The city of Daer’Kalon lay sleeping. The moon hung like a face watching the city from a cloudless night sky. Below the streets and parks were empty and only a handful of windows held the glimmer of candles. The walls and ramparts were empty of watchful guards, and even the pendants hanging from the towers of the inner keep were still. The rein of the night, although temporary, was absolute. In the deep and mazelike keep, the hallways were likewise empty. A solitary guard standing beside the heavy door of the royal chamber seemed to be the only live soul in the world.

The chamber was dark, lit by a solitary candle that struggled for life against the darkness of the room. It was quiet, not just a lack of noise, but also a feeling that the air had not been stirred for centuries. Rich dark tapestries hung on the walls, the flickering light animating heraldic shields and crests of long dead families. From one corner of the room there was a faint whisper of a conversation.

“What do you see?” Asked the first voice. It was soft and gentle, like a teacher guiding a student slow to grasp a simple concept.

“I do not know, there is so much.” Replied another voice. It was delicate and cultured, but coarse. The speech was slow, and it sounded like each word took an iron will to form.

“Keep trying. Concentrate on one image, and tell me what you see.” Urged the first voice.

“I see. I see. “ The second voice faltered for a moment then continued, “I see the sun, rising over the western reaches. I see the fields from the western wall, the farmers are bringing late crops in.” The speaker’s voice was stronger now, and the words seemed to come much easier.

“Good. Now let your mind wander.” Encouraged the first voice.

“Its so stunning in the early morning. Flocks of ocean birds circling the tower. The smell of the. “ The second voice stopped, as if caught in the hidden speaker’s throat.

“What? The smell of what?” The first voice asked.

“Blood, blood and sweat and ash. I remember it all now, I remember what we did.”

“We did what was necessary. We did what was required to survive.” The first voice replied.

“Why did we lie to them?” The second voice asked.

“They could not bear to remember. No one should have to remember.” The first voice replied.

“ I do not want to remember anymore. Take it away.” The second voice said.

“Yes my lord.” The first voice said.

“Jacob, will it ever be like it was before?”
There was a sound of a large book closing, a rush of air, the candle blew out, and the room was shrouded in complete darkness.

“I do not know my lord. I can only pray we have learned our lessons well.” The first voice said.

“What lessons? When did you get here?” The second voice asked, the words slow and shaky again.

“Nothing my lord. Go back to sleep.”
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Last edited by losthellhound; 11-01-2003 at 10:15 AM..
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Old 10-30-2003, 10:29 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Ok, prologue is very promising. i enjoyed it. Have you started work on your first chapter?
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Old 10-30-2003, 10:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I have.. I spent the last six months doing background, making characters, and doing the plot outline (which has changed alot in the last few months as I refined things), and I have half the first chapter done.. I think Im going to add more to the prologue (it seems too short)

thanks for the words of encouragement
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Old 10-30-2003, 10:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Got me interested. Very good description, could easily picture the room.
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Old 10-30-2003, 12:23 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yeah, what i like is the potential for exploring the setting, some really intricate convoluted characterisation would be nice. Fantasy elements? This is really the only lit. that caught my eye, so i have high hopes.
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Old 10-30-2003, 03:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Good stuff, keep it coming. Thanks
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Old 10-30-2003, 04:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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If anyone is wanting to read, discuss, or critique more, send me a message.. The writing continues
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Old 10-31-2003, 05:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
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i'd like to critique something. But there is nothing much to critique so far Remember, it's gotta feel right. By the way Lost, if you wanna check out some musings of mine there's a thread i started 'Lo! words from the mought of the man behind vonstalhein' i'll add some fantasty short stories when i get round to it.
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Old 10-31-2003, 10:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I like your start so far. It captured me and really got my attention the way you start if off, with the asking of the question "What do you see?"
I would be interested to read more.
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Old 10-31-2003, 10:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Minx
I like your start so far. It captured me and really got my attention the way you start if off, with the asking of the question "What do you see?"
I would be interested to read more.
Thank you. Ive added more to the begining, to get some more "mood" as well..
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Old 10-31-2003, 11:00 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Edited to add revisions to the prologue
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"Life is possible only with illusions. And so, the question for the science of mental health must become an absolutely new and revolutionary one, yet one that reflects the essence of the human condition: On what level of illusion does one live?"
-- Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death
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Old 10-31-2003, 02:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Much better! Gives at least a hint of location, setting, style.
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Old 10-31-2003, 02:53 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Minx
Much better! Gives at least a hint of location, setting, style.

Well I consider this a labor of love, and there will be alot of work to get the writing up to the level I want it at, thanks
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Old 11-01-2003, 03:57 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Yeah, thats already much better! I eagerly anticipate the next addition. Perfectionism all the way.
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Old 11-01-2003, 10:17 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Very rough draft of the first part of chapter one

Chapter One


It was early morning, and Thomas was late. He sprinted from his room, through the kitchen and out the door before his mother could stop him. He could hear her cries of dismay as he disappeared around the corner but he did not look back. If he was late again Ulfan swore he would turn Thomas away. The inn owned by Ulfan was half way across the city, but if the market was still quiet Thomas would make it on time.

Tendrils of fog clung to every corner of the road and Thomas tripped as he ran, cursing the uneven stones of the road as he nursed his swollen ankle. Thomas took a moment and looked around him. He had made it half way through the market, and he watched the first early merchants set up their stalls. The market was small, a huddling of several three story buildings looking out on a central courtyard. Soon the entire square would be filled with stalls and hundreds of morning shoppers, but for now it was quiet. Thomas stood and tested his ankle carefully. It would hold, but he would pay for it tomorrow. He cursed his ill luck once more before continuing on. The streets slowly widened and became more structured as Thomas continued, and as he got closer to the centre of the city he saw more and more people starting their day. Thomas crossed the border of the market into the section of the city known as the guild quarter, where the most powerful men and women made decisions. As well, it was the home of Ulfan’s Inn, The Black Pony. Thomas turned the last corner and could hear Ulfan’s voice rising in anger. Suddenly Thomas’ blood ran cold. Have the heralds already called the day to start? Did I miss it? He quickened his step and although his ankle felt like it was on fire, he hurried across the road towards the inn.
“Dam this curse-able fog! How can I do business if I can’t see?” Cursed Ulfan.

Ulfan was standing outside the door to the inn, flailing his legs wildly at the thick soup of fog that clung to the ground. He was a large barrel-chested man with arms as thick as a blacksmith’s and a head of thinning grey hair. Thomas had known him all his life, and started working for him a year ago. The inn was small, the common room comfortably seating a score or so of patrons. Ulfan’s bulk and stern eye was enough to keep even the rowdiest of drinkers calm and Thomas could not remember ever seeing a fight in the Black Pony. Thomas looked on as Ulfan continued to fight against the thick layer of fog by the door to the inn. Suppressing the urge to laugh as he watched the spectacle, he coughed softly to get Ulfan’s attention. With a start, Ulfan turned around and ceased his attacks.

“Dunna ya know its not good to be sneaking up on a man like that?” Ulfan asked, wiping his hands absently on his apron.
“I’m sorry sir.” Thomas responded slowly. “I didn’t want to interrupt you.”
“Well you dunna think about it, just get in there and start working. I’ve got nuf to worry bout without you under foot. Now get!” Ulfan playfully kicked at Thomas as he ran into the inn, a wide smile spreading across his gruff features. For a moment the fog was forgotten. Ulfan followed the boy inside, to find a man standing inside. Ulfan studied him for a moment with an innkeeper’s eye and tried to remember where he had seen him before. He was old, perhaps one of the oldest men in the city, but seemed to stand with the strength usually reserved for the young. His face was obscured by a beard of stark white, wisps of it straying from a few small braids. His eyes had a strong sense of kindness and Ulfan followed his gaze to find the stranger was staring at one of the walls of the inn. More specifically, he was staring at one of the larger decorations in the inn: A sculpture of dark iron. Ulfan looked at the sculpture himself a moment, and was suddenly struck that he didn’t know what it was a sculpture of. It was large, heavy enough that it would take three men to carry it if Ulfan ever wanted it moved. It started at the topmost with a small circle wide enough for someone to put a hand through it. The metal extended down from that in a long thick shaft, branching into two arms that curved upwards. At each end of the arms was a wicked looking point.. Ulfan was startled as the stranger suddenly spoke to him.
“It is a stunning item. Do you know what it is?” The stranger asked.
Ulfan was about to answer that he did not know when a spark of recognition came to him.
“Well it’s a…” Suddenly, as quickly as it came, the spark was gone, but a shadow of a memory lingered. “I kept it from the Pony when we returned from.. Wait.. Returned from.” Ulfan stopped, the memory gone.
The stranger put his arm on Ulfan’s and smiled softly. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll have some men by later to get it from you. I’m sure you have better things to put up anyways, that old thing is just another piece of metal to rust.” The stranger said, in his soft voice.
A part of Ulfan suddenly felt as if it was wrong to remove the sculpture, but confusion led him to wave his hand absently in acquiescence. Remembering that the man was still there in front of him, Ulfan straightened his back and smiled his sweetest smile while straightening his apron.
“Me name’s Ulfan good sir. I’m the keeper here at the Pony. What can I get ya?” Ulfan asked.
The stranger let his gaze drop from the sculpture and smiled.
“Pleasure to meet you Master Ulfan. You have a proud inn here. A bowl of tea would be wonderful.” The stranger answered.
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Old 11-01-2003, 10:44 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Good start, cant wait to read more
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Old 11-01-2003, 12:25 PM   #17 (permalink)
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JRVA, i agree wholeheartedly. There's definitely a good scope for a number of interesting developments!
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Old 11-01-2003, 12:29 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Bonus prize for the first person who can tell me what the decoration on the wall is..
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"Life is possible only with illusions. And so, the question for the science of mental health must become an absolutely new and revolutionary one, yet one that reflects the essence of the human condition: On what level of illusion does one live?"
-- Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death
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Old 11-01-2003, 12:53 PM   #19 (permalink)
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is it an anchor?
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Old 11-01-2003, 12:57 PM   #20 (permalink)
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good job, bonus for Vonstalhein -

Brings me to the first roadblock in the book.. You may have noticed that there are things mising for Ulfan.. Why would he not know what an anchor is if its hanging on the wall of his inn? He almost knew, but the memory fled quickly..

Why do you think Ulfan didnt know?
Do you think the stranger did and was testing him?


OOhhh. the first "huhh?" the reader emits.. the plot thickens
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-- Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

Last edited by losthellhound; 11-01-2003 at 02:39 PM..
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Old 11-01-2003, 01:13 PM   #21 (permalink)
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The plot, indeed does congeal....MORE!!! I WANT MORE.
Ah-hem.
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Old 11-02-2003, 10:51 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Update
----------------------------
1,876 words
2/3 through chapter 1
- Still writing
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Old 11-02-2003, 07:44 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Here is a description of the city from the end of the first chapter.. One of the main characters is looking out from a tower balcony..
Tell me what you think..

A soft breeze blew and he could hear the distant sound of swallows that had taken up residence on the many roofs of the Keepers’ Hall. From where he was standing he could see most of the city as it sprawled to the south. His keen eyesight caught every detail of the roofs and walls. Directly south of the tower he could see the guild district with its neatly ordered buildings and well maintained roads. Beyond that lay the market district, where buildings were less structured, and the roads were narrower. To the south of that and from the east right to the west was the residential district. There, homes seemed to grow out of every available space. Often one home was built upon the roof of another, looking like a giant’s child had thrown down its building blocks in rage. Beyond the collection of homes and hostels was the city wall. He knew that this was one of the only vantage points that could see the top of the walls and what lay beyond. The wall was high, and topped with a large causeway wide enough for twenty men to walk abreast. It was empty now, as it usually was, for nothing lay beyond it. Few could look out from the wall without a feeling of unease and scan the horizon of grey cloud and sky without feeling completely isolated. That is what Daer’Kalon was, isolated. It was the only land in a sea of abyss that no one would put a name to. The city took up every bit of space it could, and the wall surrounded that, as if to hold the entire populace in for fear of them falling off its solid surface into nothing.
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Old 11-03-2003, 07:46 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Eeeeeey nice one yeah! i thought the bit about the giants child, i love imagery like that, really adds a nice sense of scale to things. Keep it up.
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Old 11-05-2003, 08:54 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Update
----------------------------
4,323 words
Chapter 1 completed, starting chapter 2
- Still writing
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Old 11-06-2003, 08:48 PM   #26 (permalink)
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looking good
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Old 11-09-2003, 03:41 AM   #27 (permalink)
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So far, I like it very much.
Loved the building blocks imagery in that last passage!
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Old 11-12-2003, 01:41 PM   #28 (permalink)
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interesting. your writing style is very powerful. please write on, i will be eager to read more.
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Old 11-17-2003, 02:39 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Urg.. Fought through a week's of writer's block.. Managed to get to 6500 words and past a difficult part in the story (not difficult because of any emotion, but mroe because it seemed pretty boring. Everyonce and awhile you might see me cursing "the market scene" and how many times Im going to have to rewrite it
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