Rainwulf

i love you...

my girl.

you are my dreams, borrowed by a friendly god, and perfected into my angel of light.
The day i saw you, my life stopped, and i started living.

I love you... so many ways....

i want to keep you hidden from the world and all its horrible things. I want you to feel safe, to feel secure, so that if something is wrong, you will come to me, and only to me. For comfort, for safety
for security. I want you to be able to rest your head on my shoulder, and know that i will always
be there for you, always be around to take care of you, always around to hold your hand.

Always around to watch you, adore you, treat you like my love. Catch you if you fall, rub your
bruises, kiss your scrapes better, rub my cheek against yours to laugh, dry your tears with my
lips.

I want you to be able to lay with me in bed safe and warm. Put your arms around me and know
in your heart that i wont ever leave you, i wont ever hurt you, know that i would stop the sun if i
could for you. just for you.

I am yours. for now, for ever and ever.

You can wake up beside me and look at me, and know that i am a guy who will be yours. I will ask from you love, and respect, and honesty, and integrity, and devotion. I wont be able to be yours all
the time, for i will have my life, and i will treat you the same, we are two people. Joined by love.

I will make love to you. I will kiss you all over, i will make you sigh in pleasure, make you cry with ecstacy, make you sleep with exhaustion. When you sleep i will hold you, stroke the hair from your forehead, kiss you so lightly on the cheek, listen to your breathing, and project peace and quiet into your mind.

You will be safe with me, you can come to me with the secrets that you cant even tell yourself. I wont judge you, or leave you, or hate you, or make you feel regretful. You wont ever regret being with me, for i wont ever make you feel bad.

I am a guy, you are a girl, of course there will be differences between us. I wont cling to you, i wont rely upon you for happiness and peace. I am on a tropical island with bountiful food and water, and you are my rainbow, you are the sun on that island. You are my suprise, my light, my guide, for i am happy and content, but in the journey of life, a friend along the road makes the road so much easier to travel. The times when we get sidetracked, or lost, we can find our way out together again, or even stay lost for ages, you and me, going crazy together.

For i love you my girl. My sweet, loving, caring gentle girl, the girl who makes my heart beat faster, the girl who makes me smile the girl who gives me butterflies, the girl who makes me want to be a better man, the girl who i would have as my life long soulmate.

I love you. my sexy tawny haired fired up emotional delicate crazy girl.
and you do exist.

Slims

You make her real.

When you meet her, I am sure your letters will make her melt.

__________________
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

Angel

That was beautiful. You, my dear, are going to make someone very happy.
You view the world of a relationship much like I view it.
How very nice to know that there are people who not ony feel this way, but will express it to the world. I tip my already tilted halo to you!
Thank you for sharing.

__________________


In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus

Rainwulf

due to circumstances beyond my control, that letter will not ever find its way into a girls hands.

But thank you for your comments.

J.R.V.A.

It has alreday found its way into a few girls hearts.
Very nice. Hows the weather down under?
Thank you for sharing this piece

__________________
And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart

Minx

That is just beautiful....and pulled a few heart strings!
Some day I hope you find a girl lucky enough to deserve those words!

__________________
You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!

*Nikki*

Simpy stunning. The girl who becomes all of those things to you.....will be a very lucky girl indeed. A real man shows his feelings in just those ways.
I loved your writing.

Akuma7g

Inspiring to know that we think alike you and I.

Kudos to you and the love you find.

Rainwulf

made this in response to my letter.

note i didnt make the girl in this photo, found it on a thread in tfp

Rainwulf

thank you all for your nice comments.

fallen_angel

When I read this it touched me like many others i assume. One day your kindred spirit will find its way to you. I have the same hopes and dreams for my future soul mate. I wish you all the luck in the world and dont be afraid to look around each corner hopeing to find her waiting for you because she is.

__________________
from the Havens I have fallen. . . to the earth as a mangled form. . . writhing in pain, my wings torn and bloodied. . . I have one purpose, only one goal. . . to find you and love you, for I am your. . . fallen angel

Rainwulf

thank you.
I dont believe my kindred spirit exists. There are some poeple in the world who dont find their kindred spirit. Im one of those ppl. Im 25, and even though thats pretty young, i have stopped looking.
Ever since i stopped caring, and realised that, my life has been much easier.

Sure i miss being with a girl. But im going to be single, and its good i think.

hawkeye

Wow. that was... just... Wow.
Best of life to you. RW.

__________________
You're not fat,
You're just a giant ball
of love, covered in anger.

Eowyn_Vala

I truely hope that you do find someone, living life alone is just that, loneliness! No one deserves that. I have found that when you look you don't find anything. It is when you stop looking that you are found.

__________________
Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before.
DG: And, how am I doing?
Cain: Well, there's less *hugging* when I do it

Rainwulf

you know i tried again. i honestly did.

I thought, screw whatever destiny is trying to control me.
screw whatever force is preventing me from behing happy.
screw it all and just be yourself. And i did. and i now know this absolutely wonderful girl. everything i could ever want. Perfect for me, even down to the way we like to lay in bed. the way we talk. the way we live, the way we think. perfect in every way. she is my definitive TYPE. i could have fallen for her so easily. so deeply. i wear my heart on my sleeve normally, but with her its like a vacuum between us, and it hurts and the only way to make it hurt less is to be together.


but..... i cant have her. the reason isnt worth mentioning. its just that i cant have her. i dont think i will ever be able to have her. its a difficult situation.


Some force doesnt want me to be with a girl. Some force out there with enormous power wants me to be single for the rest of my life. has wanted me single since i ever had the capacity to find a girl to be with.

Since my ex, the tart, i had made a vow that i would never get hurt again, never feel pain, never ever let someone into my life.

I hated women totally. And this girl made me forget that hate, and made me want to be with a woman again. But... this force is still there.

no matter what i do. how positive i think, life throws me situations that positive thinking, and a positive outlook cant ever cure.
I didnt even need to make that vow. I never had to make it, its going to be like that anyway.
I could renounce that vow, and it will mean nothing.

No matter what i do. dont do. say. dont say. think. dont think.
nothing.
i get shown happiness. i get shown endless possibilities.
i get so close. but its like a brick wall. its so powerful this force. be it distance, time, situation, everything that has blocked me has been pretty well insurmountable.
you can only have positive thinking for so long.

you can lead yourself to water. you can drink.
but in the end, the water itself is poisoned. you have to drink it, you may surivive for a few days, but it always ends up in pain.
pain now. pain later. pain always.

this girl... is THE most perfect girl. ever. down to our beleifs. down to our very core.


whatever this force is. im too tired now to fight it.
im too tired. im too sad. i have fought for so long. tried so many times. tried. failed. every time.

im too tired.

i want to go to sleep and never wake up.

maybe thats what it wants.

to this special girl, if you ever do read this.

maybe one day we can be together. i hope so. with all my heart and soul and mind i will do anything for you.

and even if we never do get together, i will always be your friend.

Eowyn_Vala

Do you believe in the old saying that "it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" ?

__________________
Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before.
DG: And, how am I doing?
Cain: Well, there's less *hugging* when I do it

Rainwulf

no one ever says that after they lose it

stay puft

F... that saying and rwulf I know how you feel, I too believe I am going to be single for life everytime I meet someone something goes wrong, something I do or just the situation is messed up, but always something, and now with my current job it looks even more bleak but I keep my head up and live with it and who knows maybe someday that perfect girl will fall in our laps and we wont have to do anything, nice poem btw

Twizted0utkast

Im sure you mean a lot to her Rainwulf... I doubt she means to make anything difficult for you in your life..

Rainwulf

women are so hard to understand

Kyp

I know exactly how you feel, Rainwulf. Exactly.

__________________
When life gives you lemons, sqeeze the juice into a squirt gun and shoot people in the eyes

soapysonic

Wow, i'm speachless. That made me tingle all over

Rainwulf

i fear i wont be able to have this girl in my life

and that thought makes me feel so miserable
i want to curl up into a ball and cry.


i should rename this thread to Rainwulfs Miserable Existence lol

RME

i spent lunch with her today

it makes me so speechless, how she makes me feel.
its so supernatural...
i get so shy around her.
im so scared that she will see something that she wont like.
i know she wont. she told me that nothing i could ever do would change how she feels towards me. I believe her.
but im still scared.

she makes me act so confidently. where as in the past acting confident always went bad... its so easy to be with her. sometimes i just want to kiss her to death, other times i just want to lean against her, with our heads touching, with her hand on my face, with my hand on top of hers....

she is so incredible.

JohnS72

I love it- very nicely done.

Rainwulf

last night she admitted to me that she had fallen for me... i was so incredibly happy...

THIS is what i have spent my life looking for. This girl. Tawny haired green eyed princess. i cant wait till i see her again.

Czernobog

May you have happiness and peace, and find the love others search lifetimes for.

Veritas Aequitas.

__________________
Embrace the flame

Rainwulf

thank you

the situation still stands though, we cant have each other yet.
i dont think we ever will.

i know we never will.

i know it in my heart.

punkgrl1984

That was incredible
Whoever she is, she is a very lucky girl!

__________________
[COLOR=Purple]life's what happens when you are busy making other plans
-John Lennon[/COLOR]

Rainwulf

she says she is lucky, and i dont understand why...

her situation is pretty complex... its just so hard sometimes.

I guess some ppl can already guess what is the current situation... its not good.

we spent some time together yesterday and this morning. its like being in heaven. I cant get enough of her.

jumpingbeans

DOH

__________________
USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,USA, USA,

Rainwulf

ahhhhh i even spent more time with her this weekend!!! ahahah

its great. she is incredible.

Rainwulf

and she is mine and i am hers.
i found her.

for all the ppl out there who think that their person doesnt exist.... they do.
just stop looking and start living. then and only then will they turn up.

Randerolf

There is a letter just like this one lieing deep in my journal, so from one kindred spirit to another, congradulations on a job well done.

Earlier in the thread, i was going to write: "I only I hope that I can hit rock bottom as well."

Instead, I will congradulate you on your newfound happiness.

Rainwulf

sometimes life just sucks.

frogger27

Your letter is exactly what I want in a guy. The girl who finds you will be so lucky

Rainwulf

well i think i might have found her... but i think i am too much for her to handle.

i am too emotional and too moody.
and i love her.

i love her so much.

J.R.V.A.

Relax.... Things will work out

__________________
And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart

Rainwulf

well they have.....

what scares me is that this feels different to all the other women i have been with.

the love i have for this girl is so... complex. If someone was to ask me why i love her, all i could possibly say is "i love her"

there is nothing specific... nothing i can nail down as THE reason.
that is what i reckon true love is.

being able to spend time away from her and know that you can come back to her, yet every second away from her is an eternity because you cant smell the scent of her hair, or listen to her voice, or feel her touch on my arm, or her kiss on my lips, or here eyes on me.

i love her so much. even when stress makes us so irritable, we are so impossible sometimes that its just crazy, we fly of the handle at each other but we make up so quickly, and move on like nothing has happened.


We are so stubborn together sometimes, its so funny..
if anyone has ever read the belgariad, (david eddings) my girl reminds me of Ce'nedra in most things apart from her vindictiveness... my girl doesnt have that hahaha

but she is so moody and so emotional and so hard to understand sometimes, but this is why i know i love her, cos none of that matters, all the things like that are what makes her her.

makes her special. she doesnt have flaws, only characteristics.
she is so thoughtful too, she does things for me that blow me away sometimes, and i feel guilty cos i dont even think of them.

I think about her every day. every hour.
Its so hard to explain. Its like my life has been touched by her, and now everything i do, say, experience, think is now touched by her a little bit.

Another thing is that she forces me to wake up to myself. Im 25 but parts of me are much younger then that. When i first met her i was such a little idiot sometimes, and i feel like i have matured by years in the months i have known her.

I used to sulk sometimes, wallow in self pity, act the victim, all in pretty much an attempt to maintain my self esteem, and i did this with no consideration of the ppl around me at all.

Now, i dont do that anymore. Its not even a part of me.
I used to be so defensive, take things so personally, but now.. its just life and i see the good side of everything.

We have had our share of arguments and fights, but its so coupleish and i swear sometimes we take ourselves too seriously and if we really sat down and thought about it for a few seconds i swear we would crack up laughing.


The situation that has still maintained itself throughout this whole time has changed somewhat.. well i guess it wont make any sense if i dont explain it somehow.

i know that some ppl will probably think im scum for what i have done but this has all just happened... and it felt right.

the situation was basically this.
when i first met her, she was at a LAN party, with her FIANCE.
yes.. engaged to be married. She had been with him for nearly a year and had the ring on and everything.

At the time that this lan party had been held, it had been about 1 month since my last relationship, which had ended badly. I recovered pretty well from it, cos it taught me something about myself that i cant forget. You have to think about yourself when dealing with other ppl. You just cant sacrifice your own feelings. The other thing that i had learned was be yourself. Just act normal. dont try to be smart or witty or casual or anything. Just be normal. dont even ACT. Just do what you do in your free time. Do the things that make you happy.

For me i am a bit of a geek, i like loud music, fast loud sports cars, computers, anime, and i dont mind the odd drink. I went along to the lan party with the express desire to waste my weekend playing games, drinking some vodka, having some fun and maybe engaging in completely legal swapping of legitimate media.
Im nothing special, i dont look all that special, im just me.
Im a guy but i dont like pron, so i didnt have any on my computer.

At this lan party i was having a ball. I was just being myself, acting crazy, laughing, jokin around, helping ppl with problems with their computers. Just doing what i would do, not out to impress anyone or do ANYTHING.

And this girl noticed me. She noticed that i didnt have any pron on my computer and noticed that that was strange since ALL guys have pron haha
I was sitting in a bit of a corner by myself and she thought that i seemed a little lonely. but all that matters is that she noticed me.
We didnt say much that night at all, in all honesty, i looked at her and thought she was very good looking, but she had her fiance next to her there, and i didnt even consider the thought of even HAVING thoughts of this girl being interested in me.

I noticed her though. 1, being the only girl at the lan that was actually interesting and not self serving and not up herself.

But all was well, the lan finished and everyone went their separate ways.

The lan was organised over some IRC channels and i was in one of these channels that sunday night and i was feeling pretty shitty at the world.
I dont know why but im moody sometimes, apparently its something to do with having ross river virus when i was a bit younger. At this time i was rabidly denouncing women. I hated women. all women. i hated half the world. saying things like they are manipulative and evil and horrible ppl who just want to use guys like a bath towel and when finished, drop them on the floor and walk over them to get a new one.
I was on quiet a role actually, but then this girl decided to PM me and stand up for her kind.


we got to talking. we started talking at like 8 pm.... didnt finish till 1 am.

we did that for about 2 weeks.... spent sooooo much time talking, the chat logs are huge. I have never talked to anyone as much as i ahve talked to her.... 6 hours every night nearly.

I looked forward to these chats. seriously looked forward to them to the point that work started to get me down cos it was time i could be talking to her.

It was a friday night i think when we were talking as usual and she said to me that she was distracted, and ... she doesnt know this cos i never told her, but i held my breath hoping beyond hope... i typed "distracted by what?"
and she says "you"

incredously i typed "me? hahaha no way"
but inside i was jumping for joy. This girl is so fucking cool.
She likes tea, music, fantasy fiction books, new age stuff, wolves, watching movies, vegin around at home, sports cars, cuddling, intimacy, emotions, touching, talking, she even likes some anime!

so much of the time i talked with her i was just goggle eyed at the things that she said. Sometimes i swear she was reading my mind. It was totally crazy. She said the same about me, saying that sometimes i was reading her mind.


Now i a problem i have been struggling with for most of my adult life is negativity, paranoia and a lack of trust, and a hate of myself for failing in so many of the things that i try to do mentally. And all those things occured BECAUSE i was negative, paranoid, non trusting and i gave up and ran and never let anyone in. Its been a distructive circle that only ever fed itself. I would feel sense something negative, and take it personally and then go on and wallow on self pity, and then i would try and get whoever i was closest with to boost me up again. It was pathetic and stupid and lost me a lot of close friends. For those who have read the celestine prophecies, i was a classic leech. Taking energy from those cos 1, i was too lazy to create my own energy, and 2, even if i did, i never had enough conviction in myself to believe it.

As this wonderful girl got to know me more and more i started getting paranoid. I was falling for her, and suddenly was looking for all these signs that would say that she hated me.

If i saw some sign i would take it instantly as a sign that i had failed in something, and i would feel terrible and i would get sick on the stomach and then i would get her to say nice things to me to make me feel better. I was taking her energy away. I would then start to feel insulted when she resisted this, and that i treated as an even stronger sign. It then usually resulted in me getting really upset, her upset at me, and us arguing to the point where i would just give up and say to myself "this is all to hard, my life is meant to be alone, etc etc etc," and then leave/sign off/walk away from her.

I was normally, quiet normal. But as still paranoid, and would go looking for signs. And my idea of a sign that something bad is gonna happen would be anything. Something as stupid as a sms not returned, or the lack of a touch when she walked past.
fucking stupid things.

i would get hurt and upset and she would feel bad and it would start again.

up until a few days ago this cycle would repeat itself to the point of absolute stupidity. She was getting tired of me. I was getting tired of me. She would feel tired after coming home from work and then have to face my negativity and it would drain her.

I noticed this in inside i raged. i raged against my entire soul at this cycle of emotions that just couldnt stop no matter what i did. I raged and i thought and i cryed and i looked for the magic thing that would stop this. Something so drastic that would shock me out.

It ended up being the idea of losing her. Full in the face i saw our love being terminated. Her presence in my life ending. It shocked me to the core. I sat down and just went crazy inside my head.

The entire thing came crashing down around my head. All my reactions, my reactions to my reactions, causes, effects, consequences, actions, everything just fell over and just exploded inside my head.

I knew that it was nothing to do with her how i was feeling. I knew that what i was doing i was doing to protect myself from her, getting the jump on her so that when she did leave me i was prepared.

at this stage i knew that something had to change. And it couldnt be anything i had tried before.
I realised that things like negative circles, destructive impulses, anything like that needs energy. I was getting it from her.

I knew i had to stop. And stop now before i destroyed myself.

One of the things that had occured to me was that her love for me was real. I had problems believing in that cos when i look for evidence of something, i do that by searching out signs that something is false, not by searching out signs that something is true. It was a simple mindset.

I owe her my life for the realization inside that the steps she had taken for us, for me, were beyond reproach.

She broke up with her fiance. She stopped the wedding. She had stopped those things. for me. I had come into her life and she had changed her life because of me.

No one does that to hurt you. When a person does that, they do it for love. not for revenge, or any other negative thing that i could possibly think of..


this girl who was engaged to be married, fell in love with me, and broke it off with her guy. I had become a home breaker. The one thing that i would never wish to happen to me, i had a hand in.

Up until a few days ago i had this fact in my mind all the time. I felt so guilty for it. I felt terrible.
I had done something that any guy would find unforgivable.
This girl blames herself. She blames herself for what has happened, but i know in my heart that i should never have talked to her, never ever have let her into my life, never let me intrude, i should have done the right thing and said "nothing is ever going to happen" and left it there and that should have been the end of it.


I didnt.
why,... at the time i didnt know.
i know now. I knew inside that she is different. My heart reached for her, my soul saw hers and i couldnt let go. I didnt even know it really until it was too late.

I had fallen in love with a engaged woman.
She had fallen in love with me.

All that.... all that was the impetus for me to realise that the way i had been acting was pathetic. I was being a little spoilt child with his candy taken away from him, in this instance, my candy being her constant attention, her unwavering faith in me, her eyes, her kiss, the way she smiled when she says "i love you"

I was tearing her apart. She needed love, patience, time, support, she needed, NEEDS, something to hold on to. and here i was, THAT person... and i was acting like as if i needed those things more then her, i had a right to them, i needed her attention or i would fail in my quest to find myself worthy of her love.

The truth is that i had always been worthy. Everyone needs those things, but i was needing them for the wrong reason, and i was so selfish.
This is where the true meaning of love started to dawn on me.


Love isnt the teenage crush where you have sex and think to yourself i love this girl cos i feel so good after sex.

Love is when a person is there in your life and you couldnt imagine them out of your life. Love is when you can sit in each others presence for hours and not say a word. Love is when you are feeling down and then suddenly you feel better again COS they are in your life. True love is when their presence means the world to you. When their absence tears you apart and makes you feel empty and alone till you can be near them again.
They arent the provider of good emotions. they are the CAUSE of good emotions.

This girl woke me up from my years of self pity, wallowing around in self hatred, failing at something and then hating myself for failing and then hating myself for hating etc etc etc.

She did the things she did for me.

How could i dare through that all in her face by doubting her?
I never see things in other ppls shoes. She told me she loves me, and then i go looking for signs that she is lying. Is that love?
no. I never realised how bad i had been stressing her, how much i had been draining her precious energy and spirit... but whats more....... is that she was. for me. She had been explaining her actions to me when i got worried or i questioned her and it hurt her but she still did... till she ran out of patience and exploded with frustration and then i took that as an even worse sign and then acted accordingly, frustrating her beyond any mortal could ever ever handle.

and she did. she handled my outbursts, my mood swings, my childishness cos she saw in me what i refused to see. she saw ME.
She never gave up.

She loves me more then i care to admit that silly girl.

and i didnt want to admit it, cos then i would finally have to face the fact that my self destructive circles of negative emotion were really...... total...... fucking..... bullshit.

I would have to face the fact that the years i spent alone and hurting and failing and making mistakes and hating myself were a waste. I had to face that. and i had to face it and NOT hate myself for it.

I would have to wake up and smell the coffee and give up my only reasons for ever feeling bad about myself.. i didnt want to give it up, feeling bad about myself was so easy..... a nice warm blanket that i could always go back to.

but the blanket was my curse. Going back to it meant that i could never escape its questionable security.
When it never was security in the first place.
it was just a place a stupid spoilt child could hide when he didnt get his own way, and would continue to hide until the offending party felt guilty about what had happened and came back to me and convinced me that i didnt belong in that blanket.

taking her energy and even to the point of making her DOUBT herself.
when she said that to me i imploded.... i was causing her to undo her own internal struggle that happened years ago, i was taking her down into the pit with me and it freaked the fuck out of me and i couldnt handle that.......and i knew i had to change it. it was the first step in something special.

All the years that this had been happeing to me with other ppl i had promised to think better but it was just bs. hot air.
it was like trying to change the colour of the sky by wearing different colour glasses.

what i never realised is that the sky is beautiful and it never needed to be changed. I just had to look at it better.


It came from me in the end. I sat down and instead of trying to not feel bad or negative, i sat down and worked out why i was feeling it in the first place. before the first place even.... going back steps and years and levels.

My brain was a mess, a jumble of stupid thoughts and ideas that would never cease. I could never sort out the trees to see the forest.

This girl showed me the forest, and then gave sacrificed her own energy in an effort for me to see the forest and not just turn my back on it and run away.

Its something i will never be able to repay to her.
But i will try.

Its something that a person has to say to themselves.

Its never a case of "stop feeling negative and get on with your life"

that never helps.

its not a case of "im feeling negative" and then having a person that loves you give you their own energy to feel better. There is support and then there is leeching.

its a case of realising...... there is no reason to feel negative in the first place.

stop trying to find reasons you are worthy, or good or a wonderful person. you already are.

that way, when you dont find a reason you dont sit down in pain and hurting and start a cycle of hate and negativity that just wont stop.

its the now. This second. this wonderful girl told me to stop living in the past. The past holds you back with chains of memory and bad lessons learnt.
What you gotta do is undermine the negativity. Give it no reason to exist in the first place instead of trying to handle it.


This girl showed me that. Just by unselfishly loving me and forcing me to act upon it myself.

Thus i look at her with a new light, a new found understand and a feeling of pride. She went out of the way and sacrificed things for me. She did that for love.

This is why i know she is my soulmate. This is why i know that even though what i have done, my whole position in this situation is one that not many ppl would want to be in and what a lot of ppl would hold me in contempt for, this is why im here.

Not because im evil or i must hurt someone to feel good or anything. I feel so bad for what i have done. She blames herself and i tell her dont... dont feel bad.

I am not a fatalist, but i do believe that what happens will happen. There are no mistakes. Every thing you do isnt preordained, but it happens at that spot and at that time and that is what makes reality reality.

You cant worry about the future. It hasnt happened yet. You cant worry about the past, cos its already happened.


this whole ramble has been brought on by a need to get this out. This revelation of humanity in myself that i never thought possible.

i hope that i have given someone some hope.

Posers need not apply. If you go out dressed in a certain way or act in a certain way to attract a person, you are lying. you are fake.

you will never be happy.
I would have lost this girl if i had not of realised that my behaviour was not why she loves me, it would have made me lose her cos she loves me for who i am inside. That she loves me at all is what i had to come to grips with. I then had to forgive myself for the things i had done.

Everyone goes through life i am sure, trying to find reasons they are worthy, and when those reasons are not found, they go into depression, think negative thoughts that drive away loved ones, and that becomes the essence of their negativity. I drive ppl away, so i must be unworthy of love.

That was what my life was up until this girl fell for me.
"i drive ppl away cos im supposed to be alone, ppl always hurt me, so i keep them away. i cant trust them, i dont believe them"

that whole thing was what i lived with. If i tried to change something in that negative mantra, the rest of it would sooner or later put it back again, make it all the same again, back to the original negative cycle of despair.

All i had to do was realise... i am a good person. I am worthy of being here, being alive. That mantra of negativity lost its base. its energy source, being my failure to find a reason to be alive.

It never occured to me that i was alive and thats a perfectly good reason.

This last part is specifically for you my soulmate.
I fall in love with you everyday i see you. Sometimes the urge to kiss you is so strong in my mind that even the need to breath becomes just a passing thought and all i can see is you. All i can sense is you.
Thank you my girl. You are and always will be a person in my life that i will cherish and support and love. I know that given the events of last night may change a few things temporarily, but it means nothing. I love you and i know you love me and that wont ever change. You will have my support and my love forever.

I hope that the events of the last couple of days will merge into the noise of the past and we can get back to doing what we
seem to do best.

love each other.

i love thee.

Rainwulf

i hate being in shitty moods.

Rainwulf

love is nothing.


when a person can even admit they make a mistake.