RetroGunslinger |
06-17-2008 09:45 PM |
Does the subtlety get through here?
So, I'm working on my novel (the long version of V.C. - Venereal Curse, which I've posted here already) and one problem I always face when writing is being too subtle about little things. For example, I asked my dear Mormon what she thought of the line "... from the standard Texas-themed bar to an S&M dungeon filled with all sorts of delightful daddy issues" from another story I'm working on, and while she liked it, she didn't really get it. Obviously, that one isn't too hard to figure out, but you get the drift.
Anywho, I just wrote a bit in Chapter 2 (I'm lazy, by the way) where protagonist Sebastian Holts gets through banging a girl he picked up. All through the sex his mind is wandering through a mental catalogue of clubs to visit since his night has yet to be fulfilled, and he settles on one and:
"Quickly finishing up with a nice shot on the girl’s lower back, I grabbed my things and left, leaving her dazed with cab fare pasted on her hind quarters."
I like the idea of what I've written, but I don't know if it comes through like I want it to. I'm hoping that everyone who reads the above line will understand that Holts comes on the girl's back and leaves some money with her, attached to that spot. It's a little thing and holds no pertinence to the story, but I'm just curious if it gets through. In my mind it gives him an extra layer of douchebaggery that I adore.
I also realize this hardly warrants a full thread, so I'll just come back here if I have any similar problems.
(Come to think of it, would the above even work in an actual situation? I've never tried using semen in place of tape before.)
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