Bruce Vain

What qualifies as a sport?

This question concerns me, because I believe that many of the so-called “sporting events” shown on television have nothing to do with sports as we know them. It is my opinion that many of these “sporting events” are actually Communist plots designed to break down our sense of American pride and patriotism.

ESPN, the sports channel, has become particularly bad about showing non-sports. I don’t tune in to watch 60-year-old men smoking cigars play Texas Hold ‘Em. If you can smoke a cigar while you’re doing something, that should automatically exclude it from “sport” status.

Let’s just look at a definition of the word “sport,” so we’ll all be on the same page, shall we? As defined by Webster’s New World dictionary (recognized by linguistic experts from around the world as “The finest dictionary that was sitting on Bruce Vain’s desk while he was writing this”), a sport is “an unusual dining implement that is part spoon, part fork.”

No, wait a minute … my mistake. That’s a “spork.” A “sport” is “any recreational activity requiring bodily exertion and carried on according to a set of rules, whether outdoors or indoors.”

Now, using this definition, let’s examine many activities shown on television today, and see if they fit into the sports category.

GOLF: Golf is a fun game … if you’re playing at one of those courses where you have to hit the ball between the legs of an eight-foot plastic giraffe. However, the traditional game played by men who wear those God-awful plaid pants and white shoes is not a sport.

Why? Because there’s no physical exertion required in golf. You walk around and swing a thin metal stick. That’s it. You do a little bending (when you have to reach down to get the ball out of the little hole), but if that’s your idea of exertion, you’re in worse shape than I am. The golfers on TV don’t even carry their own bags.

RACING: Auto racing is not a sport. Absolutely no bodily exertion is required to race. It’s probably the only “sport” you can take part in while you’re sitting down. (Now watch: I’ll get a ton of angry letters from NASCAR fans, who will threaten me with bodily harm because I don’t think it’s a sport. They’ll talk about how hot the car gets, and how the drivers have to be in great shape to endure the heat and noise for so long. I’ve sat in a sauna with Kiss music blaring from a radio, but that doesn’t make me an athlete, either.)

I honestly don’t understand how this activity has become so popular in American society, particularly in the South. People actually pay upwards of $100 each to sit in the sun and watch 40 middle-aged men drive around a track. What fun. (Incidentally, I’ve come up with my own variation on the NASCAR acronym: Not All Southerners Care About Racing.)

What amazes me, though, is that people would give up a whole afternoon to watch this ON TV. At least if you’re at the track, you can laugh at the drunks. Once you’ve seen a car circle the track on TV, what else is there to see?

I think they ought to try something different for a change. Maybe halfway through a race, all the cars could turn around and go the other way.

On second thought, that’s a bad idea. The excitement would probably be too much for many racing fans. Lord knows they must be an excitable bunch, if they cheer just because a guy can DRIVE A CAR faster than 39 other guys.

TRACTOR PULLS: Okay, I don’t actually remember the last time I saw a tractor pull on television, but I’m throwing it in here anyway because it’s too easy to make fun of.

I take that back. Even I have my standards. We’re not gonna discuss tractor pulls. Next.

PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING: I have some news for all the people who watch professional wrestling religiously: It’s fake. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but better you hear it from me than from some stranger.

The weird thing is, even though it’s rigged, pro wrestling would appear to be a sport, using our definition. (No, not the spoon/fork utensil definition. The other one.) These huge, oily men are definitely engaged in bodily exertion. You can’t get thrown over the top rope and fall nine feet to a concrete floor and not exert yourself.

But wait! Doesn’t our definition say something about rules? I’m pretty sure it did. Hang on, let me double-check … yep, there it is: “carried on according to a set of rules, …” etc. Everyone, even people who watch this stuff, knows there are no rules in pro wrestling. Show me another sport in which the referee can be distracted by a scantily clad, voluptuous female “manager” while one participant whomps another one with a folding chair, or a two-by-four, or (and I have actually seen this) a six-foot stepladder.

The referees, therefore, are only there for show, and aren’t really enforcing any “rules,” because there aren’t any. So pro wrestling is not a sport.

I’d like to keep listing all these non-sports (yeah, I’m lookin’ at YOU, darts), but I’m going to go watch the U.S. Olympic trials on TV. The Olympics, as you know, are the epitome of sports action, featuring world-class athletes.

Today they’re holding tryouts for the synchronized swimming team.

Redlemon

I think that you attempted to cover too much ground in this article. It didn't really have the same focus as the other two of your works that I've read. Also, it was less personal.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Bruce Vain

You may be right. This one was actually written some years ago, and I dug it out to post here. I tried to update it a little, but my writing style has changed a bit over the years, and this piece is a little uneven.