squeeeb

stupid story i wrote a while ago. drunk.

It was exactly 9:38 a.m. Monday morning when she walked into the office of Dick Pimple, private investigator. He was just finishing his usual breakfast of a mayonaise flavored Slim Fast shake and two Camel diet extra-dark cigarettes. Her frame filled up his doorway, she took a step forward, and he let his eyes roam up and down her frame, taking in every detail. She had long blonde lips, eyes the stunning color of green only contact lenses could give, and legs that went all the way down to the ground. Her tight black mini-skirt, spike heels and fishnet stockings accentuated her shape. She looked pretty good for a nun. There were still some small fish flopping about in her stockings as she strode to his desk and took a seat. She kept her eyes on him every step of the way. She could tell he worked out by his strong hands, the cut of his forearms, and the muscles on his eyelids.
"Mr. Pimple, " she said in a smoky, husky, raspy, sexy voice only heard in movies and cartoons, "I'm Lunette Mullion."
"Your parents were architecture fans, were they?," he asked, wondering if there were too many punctuation marks in the sentence he just spoke.
"I need your help. I've stumbled onto something i shouldn't have and now my life is in danger. I need protection."
"Miss Mullion, I'd be happy to help you, but I'll need some details before I agree to any arangement. First off, what information have you stumbled on and why do you think your life is in danger?" She hesitated, he could tell she was mulling it over in her mind by her tongue sticking out of the side of her mouth like a three year old doing it's best to color inside the lines.
"Please," he encouraged, "everything you tell me is confidential, and i need all the details to best help you."
"Well Mr. Pimple, since it seems I don't have a choice, I will tell you, but I do so reluctantly."
"Go on, " he urged, almost too eager.
"I...I was going through old files at the rectory, cleaning out safe drawers, and I found a document that is quite damming, scary, and it implies things I never would have thought possible. With the information I found, I could potentially change the course of history, I could potentially change history itself."

Dick Pimple was literally on the edge of his seat, as if being closer to the nun would make her talk faster.

"I found out that......."

BANG, just then, the window burst into thousands of shards, slicing the occupants of the room like a cuisinart, not so much jullieanning them but more like dicing them, or rough chopping them. They were both dead before they hit the floor, before the building collapsed, before the whole city was in ruins brought on by an unexpected hurricane/tornado/tidal wave. What no one knew was that China, knowing they could not destroy the USA economically or militarily, decided on destroying the US theoretically, hoping to cause a catastrophe by using the old principle of "what if everyone in china, in synch, jumped up and down, would it cause an earthquake in the US?" So, by order of the chinese government, every man, woman and child in China stood on a table, chair, or couch, and in synch, jumped.

This did not directly cause the desired destruction. However, all those people jumping up and down at the same time caused a small group of butterflies to become agitated, and flutter away, and the wind generated by thier wings grew and grew which caused the tidal wave/hurricane/tonado, destoying the US and leaving only cockroaches, twinkies and lindsay lohan.

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onward to mayhem!