SaltPork

Let me introduce to the intrepid reader the dubiously effervescent Mr. Deep. He has no real first name. His parents simply called him Deep. This as a result of his parents losing a game of checkers to a young boy named Stuart whose middle name was, Langerfidelemponzing (more on this at a later time). Devastated by the loss to this oddly named youth, Deep's parents forgot their last name. Falling deeper into despair they landed on some hard times.

Deep was born into the Indian ghettos of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, he contributed to the family's income by shaving the backs of CFL players during the summer months and giving them egg baths to keep their skin shiny and smooth. He also had a side job filling blood sausages and tanning beaver hides. These experiences would prove to be pivotal later in Deep's life, but we'll get to that in due time. As he got older he wanted more in life than shaving the backs of large men and fondling sausages. He wanted a formal education, not just one the streets had been providing. That's when he saw an advertisement for the ITT Technical Institute and knew what he wanted to do, he was going to be a Medical Transcriptionist, though first he would have to learn to read and write. Undaunted, he took a few classes and was eventually reading at a third grade level and was ready to transcribe for the local area medical professionals. He found the coursework at ITT Tech to be emotionally and intellectually rewarding, finishing 93rd out of 95 in his class, barely keeping from being the last in his graduating class by beating out one person who only had half of his brain after a bizzare incident with poutine and the other was the son of a turtle farmer, 'nuff said.

After his graduation, he worked freelance for a few different doctors, though his favorite one was Dr. Coddlesnack, a world renowned Urologist. The sign on the door read, "If it involves pee, then it's for me." While Deep didn't quite understand the link between the statement and the specialty he was amused by it. Deep also found himself oddly aroused while transcribing the doctor's notes which led to him finding Duane, who was the office manager for Dr. Coddlesnack.

Duane's history is a bit more of a mystery, but what we do know is that he was apparently discarded by his devoutly religious parents shortly after his birth. Conjecture is that due to his club foot, harelip, and a still attached but dead conjoined twin, Pepe, his parents were repulsed and left him for dead in the jungle. Thirteen years later, while on a jungle safari in Thailand, an aspiring medical student, John Coddlesnack, found Duane living with a large clan of marmosets. They viciously attacked Coddlesnack by throwing their feces at him. During the attack he was noticing some extremely large feces landing around him and noticed the boy. Fighting back the rising bile in his throat he soldiered forward through the vile hailstorm of poo to capture and rescue the boy from the horrors of the jungle.

Over the next few years between training for his specialty in Urology and teaching Duane to talk, read, write, and how to use a toilet, the two grew close like father and son. When Coddlesnack finally graduated medical school and opened his own practice he found that Duane was very good at handling a lot of the mundane details around his practice. One of those things was interacting with the dimwitted medical transcriptionist that he had contracted.

Dr. Coddlesnack had taking a certain amount of pity on the unkempt, dirty guy named simply, Deep, and to show some level of respect for him, he began calling him Mr. Deep and Duane quickly followed suit. Deep and Duane started spending more and more time together. They would play Scrabble for hours. Eventually though, Duane ended up either eating the tiles, or sticking them so far into his nose that nothing less than a shrimp fork was going to pull them out. As time went on the two grew fond of each other. Deep was able to see the inner beauty of Duane and get past the harelip, the club foot, and he actually thought that Pepe, the dead conjoined twin, was kind of cute, and Deep would spend hours petting the hair on the half skull that protruded from the rib cage of Duane.


to be continued.......

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It was like that when I got here....I swear.