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Old 01-06-2007, 03:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
H12
I'm not about getting creamed, I'm about winning!
 
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Location: K-Town, TN
The Audition (a theatre sketch)

I wrote this sketch about two months ago and recently performed it for my community theatre group for fun...and, though it was received well, I am still always up for feedback on it. I also realize that it's got a piece from the book of "V For Vendetta", so it's not exactly able to published...but everything else outside of said piece is original work. It's a comedy that was about ten minutes long when we performed it last month, and it's rather crude and harsh on the language though it still has its morals in the end to justify much of it. I also have two pictures that we used for it, which I'll post in the end.

Also, the script has the actors' names in it instead of the role, since the characters themselves never had to have specific names in it...so I'll post what each role was and the name of who played it. Enjoy.
















THE AUDITION


CAST:
Audition-performer: Jason
Auditor #1: Jim
Auditor #2: Harrison
Defending audience member: Amanda




START SCENE

*Jason offers to go next, steps on stage -- make sure audience feels this is JUST a monologue*

Jason: "Hey, my name is Jason Hiett, and I would like to deliver the world premiere of my first on-stage monologue I taught myself -- are you ready?"

*be very down-stage (if most of crowd is in one particular spot, be in front of them...if not, center is fine) -- a little nervous -- hand over face (if audience applauses, soak it in and wait until they're done)*

Jason - Very Bad ''V'': "Voilà. In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage -- no mere veneer of vanity! -- is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. *point out there is a poster and you have a sword (look at Jim and Harrison when you say this, but do not refer to them by name), then swipe for the V and stumble on the second swing* The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the... *forget line here, barely studder right before you start again* ...vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose so let me simply add it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

Jason: "Scene."

^^^AUDITION MISTAKES I WANT TO SEE:
~Have your back to the audience for some of the monologue.
~Generally, be too quiet and unspecific.
~Stay either on the very front or the very back of the stage for lots of it.
~Stay stiff when you're not moving, don't say anything while you're walking, walk directly instead of indirectly.
~At least one unnecessary part, be too/wrongfully over-dramatic.
~Look people straight in the eyes when you're facing the audience.



*starts to walk off, is hit by a bundle of grapes -- Harrison and Jim sit in the audience*

Harrison: "Wow."

Jim: "I am verifiably vexed by your volatile vocalization, which veers void of both veracity and voice and makes me want to viciously and violently vomit."

Harrison: "This monologue was brought to you by the letter V...and I died a little inside because of it."

Jim: "We don't ever have to worry about copyright-infringement, because director James McTeigue will never claim he wrote that now."

Harrison: "Seriously Jason, as a bit of advice, never turn your back to us -- even if you do have a face only a mother could love, it's still just a nice tip to keep in mind."

Jim: "Yeah, I couldn't hear a word you said half the fuckin' time."

Harrison: "I mean, really -- if you're going to come on stage, speak up and grow some balls, why don't ya? Let 'em drop to the floor. You were sweating like a glass of ice water."

Jim: "KNOW YOUR GODDAMN LINES!"

Harrison: "And why did you pick that piece?? It fit you like David Arquette fit WCW."

Jason: "It's from my favorite--"

Jim: "I would ask you why you couldn't decide on being on the front or the back of the stage, but honestly, I lost all my will to care."

Harrison: "Hold on though, I wanna go back to when you started, with that hand-over-head thing...W.T.F.?"

Jim: "You looked like a stiff-ass robot when you did that -- think the Tin Man if he was on-stage and didn't know what the fuck he was doing."

Harrison: "I was thinkin' more like the Scarecrow, 'cuz he looked like he had a stick up his ass the whole time."

Jim: "You're one clumsy little bitch, you know that? You were stumbling like your 21st birthday if it landed on St. Patrick's Day."

Harrison: "Yep, and that was when you were moving! You don't have the slightest clue how to be interesting when you're standing still, do you?!"

Jim: "He already proved he's as boring as watching knee surgery even when he's moving though, what did you expect?"

Harrison: "After I heard his first five seconds, trust me, not very much...

Jim: "You good-for-nothing--"

Harrison: ...in fact, I had a bad feeling before he even came in here. Have you seen his head-shot yet? *lifts up a paper* Look at his head-shot! Look how ridiculous this is! Does everybody see this ridiculous picture? Everybody take a good look...

*Jason turns his head shamefully, Harrison storms the stage and is now audience-right/stage-left of Jason*

Harrison: ...you sure better look Jason, you took this ridiculous shit! It's so -- Jim, come up here...

*Jim walks to audience-left/stage-right*

Harrison: ...how does this headshot look?"

Jim: "It looks ridiculous."

Harrison: "CORRECTAMUNDO!!! Jason, how can you even justify this ridiculous head-shot?!"

Jason: "That picture is professional--"

Jim: "He looks like he unhinged his jaw! Those lips are wide open!"

Harrison: "Like a vagina, am I right?"

Jim: "You are so right!...

*Jim and Harrison walk towards each other to deliver a high-five-to-ass-slap and place themselves where the other was just standing*

Jim: *proudly* ...We are totally hetero!"

Harrison: "Here, hold this...

*Harrison puts Jason's head-shot in his hand; Jason holds the picture to his chest out of confusion so the audience can keep seeing it*

Harrison: ...He looks like a bootleg version of Clay Aiken!"

Jim: "He looks like the product of reverse-evolution!"

Harrison: "He looks like the offspring of two virgins!"

Jim: "If V looked anything like that, no wonder why he kept the mask on!"

Harrison: "Oh, by the way, if I ever see another actor make eye-contact with the audience again, I will slaughter them in their sleep."

Jim: "Yeah Jason, you're such a failure. Your mom should have just tied her tubes back in '87."

Harrison: "I concur. After meeting you, I am now pro-choice."

Jim: "Gilbert Goddfrey would make a better thespian than you."

Harrison: "Lil' Jon would make a better thespian than you."

Jim: "Really? Are you sure about that?"

Harrison: "YYYEEEAAAHHH!!!"

Jim: "OOOKKKAAAYYY!!!"

Jason: "WWWHHHAAATTT?!?"

*Harrison and Jim give Jason a murderous stare*

Jim: "Keanu Reeves would make a better thespian than you."

Harrison: "Kenny McCormick would make a better thespian than you."

Jim: "George W. Bush would make a better thespian than you."

*tiny pause*

Harrison: "Okay, you won on that one Jim."

Jim: "Damn straight I did. Now, Jason, you're hopeless."

Harrison: "You're pathetic."

Jim: "You're shitty."

Harrison: "You're untalented."

Jim: "You're awful."

Harrison: "You're lackluster."

Jim: "You're bland."

Harrison: "You're unimaginative."

*tiny pause*

Jim: "God-dammit. One point for Harrison."

Harrison: "Ha! We're even. You're too small Jason."

Jim: "You're too quiet."

Harrison: "You're too still."

Jim: "You're too drab."

Harrison: "You're too dull."

Jim: "You're too inexperienced."

Harrison: "That's what she said!...

*Jim and Harrison high-five each other once again and follow up with an ass-slap while walking back to their original standing positions beside Jason*

Harrison: ...God-DAMN we're hetero!"

Jim: "You're just a dreamer."

Harrison: "You're just another starving actor."

Jim: "You're just not practical."

Harrison: "You're just out of your league."

Jim: "You're just a wanna-be."

Harrison: "Instead of ever watching you perform again, I would rather let my fingernails grow for four months and then -- while delivering the famous Star Trek hand gesture -- shove my arm elbow-deep into my own ass...

*a small awkward pause*

Harrison: ...Yeah, I said it!"

Jim: "Yeah...you lack skill."

Harrison: "You lack proper training."

Jim: "You lack charisma."

Harrison: "You lack entertainment value."

Jim: "You lack respect."

Harrison: "You lack preparation."

Jim: "You lack inspiration."

Harrison: "You lack any chance of making it in this business."

Jim: "You have absolutely no potential -- you're the biggest waste of space to date."

Harrison: "You're fuckin' done, son."

*Harrison walks back to his seat*

Jim: "Next."

*Jim walks back to his seat; Jason is stunned*

Jason: "I would have accepted a simple ''We'll call you'' instead of that...wow. I...I hate this."

*Jason leaves backstage, Amanda cues of sympathy from the crowd -- Harrison and Jim now speak to the audience*

Harrison: "No, no, are you sympathizing with this low-life imposter of a horrible actor?"

Jim: "I guess you wouldn't know what talent is if it cock-slapped you across the face."

Harrison: "I know you guys saw him, he didn't have a clue what he was doing! We're professionals, we can't have that!"

Jim: "We can't afford to hire such uninteresting pieces of shit -- we're trying to do serious classy shows over here."

Harrison: "He never stood a chance anyway -- he handi-capped himself right off the bat with some over-rated monologue."

Jim: "Don't tell me you guys support him using a movie-monologue for a theatre audition anyway, 'cuz that's nothing short of uneducated if you support that."

Harrison: "Yeah, we're theatre-purists!"

Jim: "And frankly, your responses make me wonder--"

*Amanda -- the defending audience member -- stands up and is offended*

Amanda: "Enough! Look, you're never goin' to find somebody who's good enough for your stupid show if you're only going to look for the bad things in each person. It's easy to find the flaws in each person, but you have forgotten that everybody is human, so they're all going to have their flaws. He already said this was his first real audition and he was probably scared out of his mind, and you two gave him enough ''advice'' for him to get a second shot here. What did you expect from him, he has to get his first break somewhere and he's shooting for the stars. He's showing more balls than a public school's locker-room and that's more than anybody else who'll audition today can say, so how about you two bad-mouth-bitches straighten up, call him back out here, and allow him to try one more time?"

Jim: "Whoa now, who exactly made you boss here? He was lucky we didn't just physically assault him where he stood. In fact, you're lucky we don't just physically assault you where--"

Amanda: "Uh, excuse me, but I'm goin' to cut you off right there jack-ass. If you want to spite these assholes and see Jason get a second chance, let's make ourselves heard. JA-SON! JA-SON!! JA-SON!!! JA-SON!!!! JA-SON!!!!! JASON!!!!!!"

*gets crowd to chant JA-SON (by any means necessary -- be prepared to go mascot-crazy if crowd resists at first) until Jim eventually cuts in loudly*

Jim: "You know what? Fine. Fine, god-dammit! What's his number?...

*Harrison hands Jim the paper, Jim skims it, dials the number*

Jim: ...I'm hanging up, I refuse to call anybody who has a song by Milli Vanilli for his ring-back tone. Forget that."

Harrison: "We gotta do something about this crowd though, and he IS--"

*Jim gets a call on "and", the phone has "I Touch Myself" as its ring-tone...allow the audience to grasp how gay it sounds*

Jim: "Jim Eernisse, associate of the vice-president of the Committee of United National Thespians, is this a business or social...

*Harrison taps on Jim's shoulder*

Jim: ...hold just a second please. What?!"

Harrison: "Dude, I just realized what our acronym is!"

Jim: "Huh?"

Harrison: "Come on...Committee of United National Thespians?"

*Jim thinks on it for a split-second, then catches it -- Jim and Harrison deliver another high-five*

Jim: "...Alright, so who is this? [_] ...! How'd you get this number? [__] Caller-ID, right...so come back on stage, we want to see what you got again. [____] Well, probably, but we'll try not to laugh at you this time. [__] No, now. [_] Alright."

*Jason comes back on stage with his wrists slit (phony, of course) -- if/when the audience reacts, let their laughs/gasps/ooh's completely pass before going on*

Jim: "There he is...I kinda wish he would have finished the job though."

Harrison: "Shut up -- okay, Jason, we thought about it some more... *sigh* ...we're going to give you one more chance. Hear this though, we'll cut you off the very moment you're not extremely interesting; if you lose focus at all, I swear by bloody-Christ I will personally walk up stage, deliver a crushing blow to the side of your neck, and lock you in the prop-closet. Do you understand everything I said?"

Jason: "Mhmm."

Jim: "Good. You have ten seconds to start."

*Harrison and Jim stare at their watches now -- Jason takes afew seconds to breathe, then launches his very dramatic and animated monologue*

Jason - Very Good ''V'': "Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

*Amanda starts a slow clap -- Jason bows during the applause until the audience is done (or, if Jim chooses to interrupt if it lasts too long...)*

Jim: "(...Okay, cut it out!) We'll call you."

Harrison: "Yeah, we'll call you."

Jason: "Thank you, you don't know how--"

Both Auditors: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY STAGE!!!"

Jason: *shows panic* "Yes, uh, yes....." *Jason strides with fear towards the theatre's exit, but stops when Harrison calls his name*

Harrison: "Oh, and Jason...

*Jason turns his head to Harrison and stops, confused but mainly sad*

Harrison: ...get yourself to a hospital man...

*Jason lowers his head a bit and walks out*

Harrison: ...Jason did do rather well that time. He's raw, but he has potential afterall."

Jim: "Yeah, well, I'm skeptical Harrison. What's his resumé say under Special Talents?"

Harrison: "It says he is a soprano -- and I quote, ''due to a accident with a hammer right before puberty.'' "

Jim: "Well, that would explain alot."

Harrison: "Yeah, don't really know why he said that though. It also says that he has basic lessons of ice-skating as well."

Jim: "At least that much...do you think he has what it takes?"

Harrison: "I think he could actually steal the show if he's the star."

Jim: "That settles it then, send him a fax after auditions are over -- we're going to mold him into an icon. Our production will be a smashing hit thanks to this kid!"

Amanda: *is sitting, but yells* "You're welcome, you pair of douches."

*Jim and Harrison glare hatefully, though they know Amanda led them to a good thing*

Harrison: "I'll do that, I'll send the fax shortly...now who's next for the auditions?"

Jim: "Well, um, I didn't exactly get out all the flyers like I meant to."

Harrison: "Why didn't you?!"

Jim: "I got drunk and kind of forgot. So, um, Jason's the only one who will be auditioning today."

Harrison: "JIM! WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!?"

Jim: "Don't do this to me."

Harrison: " ''JUMANJI ON ICE'' IS NOT A ONE-MAN SHOW!!!"

Jim: "I KNOW!!!"

*Harrison calms himself*

Harrison: "Look, we got the rest of the flyers here...

*hands half of the flyers to Jim*

Harrison: ...and we're going to put the rest up all over town. Right now."

*Harrison stands up and starts to walk out*

Jim: "Shouldn't we--"

Harrison: "NOW! We have to get a supporting cast for our star!"

*Harrison storms out, Jim follows*

Jim: "Your mom's a pornstar."

Harrison: "Go to hell."

END SCENE





Head-shot:
<img src=http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/5851/clayfacecopyhk2.jpg>

Flyer:
<img src=http://img443.imageshack.us/img443/3043/jumanjionicenh2.jpg>
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