Spurred by the "self-inviting friend" thread

[Suave]

Okay, I've got a question for you all then: obviously simply inviting yourself along is rude. I think we've reached an agreement on that. However, how does everyone feel about a friend asking to be invited? "We're going to the yadda yadda." "Oh cool. Can I come?" or whatever.

I'm torn on the issue. I personally don't ask for invitations or invite myself, and that person asking can make for an uncomfortable situation (especially if you're refusing them), but sometimes I genuinely just don't think to invite someone, and it creates an opportunity.

[fallsauce]

Why would you even mention it if you weren't going to invite them? That's rather inconsiderate. Unless you mean those people who ask to come even if you don't have *that* kind of a relationship, (some workmates, for example.) Btw, what does 'friend' mean to you? I think what some people would call 'friends', I would just call 'people I know,' (like those workmates.)

I know that if my close friends mentioned something and I wasn't invited, I'll say something like, "How come I'm not invited?" The only time I remember it happening was once when the other person didn't have my new number and texted my old, (stolen) one. And the other time was when the hostess was kind of a friend, but not that close, so whatever.

[Siege]

Depends how close I am to the person i'm talking to. And if I know a lot of the people going, then i'll ask. For example, the gathering i'm about to go to I had to ask about. Because the person throwing it didn't have my contact information.

[Sultana]

Depending on the situation, I'd ask, "Is this an open invitation kind of a thing?" That way the person knows I'm interested in participating, if there is an opportunity, and gives them an easy out if there is no opportunity.

[little_tippler]

Originally Posted by fallsauce

Why would you even mention it if you weren't going to invite them? That's rather inconsiderate.

I agree. If you're close to them and they are waving it in your face, then they're the ones being rude by telling you then not including you.

[cellophanedeity]

I think it depends on the friend...

If my bestest friend was telling me about a gathering she was having, I'd ask if I was invited. If not, no big deal and get on with it.

If it was just a friend from school telling me about it, I keep my nose out of it. It's not my place to ask.

[Astrocloud]

I disagree that inviting yourself along is rude.

If someone invites themself along then they are bringing their own condoms and volunteering to be "the bottom".

No, seriously. If someone is rude by inviting themselves along then it's just as rude to uninvite them -thus cancelling all rudeness all round. Sometimes in this world you just have to ask.

[feelgood]

Originally Posted by Suave

Okay, I've got a question for you all then: obviously simply inviting yourself along is rude. I think we've reached an agreement on that. However, how does everyone feel about a friend asking to be invited? "We're going to the yadda yadda." "Oh cool. Can I come?" or whatever.

As long they ASK then its ok to invite themselves along. But if they didn't bother directly asking you if they could come along, then that's just plain rude.

[SirLance]

Probably not rude to ask, but certainly rude to assume you're invited.

[Rodney]

Originally Posted by fallsauce

Why would you even mention it if you weren't going to invite them? That's rather inconsiderate.

Well, if somebody asks me what I'm doing this weekend, I'm going to tell them -- even if my plans don't include them. Should I lie? What kind of a friend would that make me? The person who asks deserves an honest answer.

Should a person ask to be invited along? Certainly, but like Sultana said: with manners, giving the other person an "out." "That sounds like fun; is that a private party, or can anyone come?" "Well, it's my other friend's party, and he's just inviting us old high school friends.." "Well, have a great time!"

Asking that way is polite, because you allow the possibility that there are things that the other guy needn't invite you to.

But to just say, "Sounds great, can I come?" is rude, because you're making the other guy do all the social work of turning you down and explaining why. By asking the question, you're saying, "I want to come, and I don't understand why you'd ever turn me down. And I'm your friend -- right?" You've just set up the possibility that the conversation can turn sticky if you don't get what you want. And of course that pressures the other guy to give in. And there a lot of people who, consciously or unconsciously, use this as a tactic for getting what they want.

[fallsauce]

Well, if somebody asks me what I'm doing this weekend, I'm going to tell them -- even if my plans don't include them. Should I lie? What kind of a friend would that make me? The person who asks deserves an honest answer.

So should I assume that your plans is a) with another mutual friend or b) with someone that the person who might want to tag along doesn't know? Because if it's a), I think they can ask, because otherwise you're just being mean by leaving them out. (Unless you're going with your bestest friend.)
If it's b), I think it's fine if you say no. (But then, I don't think they should even ask in the first place.)

Personally, I think
"That sounds like fun; is that a private party, or can anyone come?" and
"Sounds great, can I come?"
is practically the same thing. The second one is a little blunter, but you can answer both with:
"Well, it's my other friend's party, and he's just inviting us old high school friends.."

Btw, do you think when people ask if they can come they actually mean it, or was it just something said in passing?

[Suave]

Originally Posted by fallsauce

Why would you even mention it if you weren't going to invite them? That's rather inconsiderate.

A scenario that happens to me a lot is when I'm making plans with a certain friend(s). We ask what each other's plans are for this day or that day, whatever, and things come up. "Well I'm going drinking with some people from work at <insert time>." Depending how we feel about the situation, sometimes we'll invite the other person and sometimes not (and then make plans for another day). I wouldn't call it inconsiderate, I think it's just open communication. It's also way more interesting (and more polite I think) than saying "I'm busy" and nothing more.

fallsauce: As to your last question, it's all context and intonation. Sometimes people mean it and sometimes they don't. That's one of the beautiful things about verbal communication: everyone has to guess what everyone else wants.

[Atropos4]

It really depends on who's asking and what it's for. But generally I think it's rude. I can't change the fact that when it happens to me I get irked. There are times though that it doesn't bother me at all. For example ..if a couple of us girls from work was going to see a movie and someone asked to come along. I wouldn't care. It's just a movie. But say my parents plan to come visit and all the sudden all my siblings call and say "hey guess what we're coming to and we are all staying at your place." I would be ticked.
A recent example of someone being rude. My parents came to visit. My mom went to work with me the first day. She loved it and I loathed it. She complained the entire time. I had to work again the next day and she said she didn't want to go this time. I told her that it would be better if she didn't. The next day I get ready to leave and she puts on her shoes and says she's coming. I kept the peace and let her come, but it irritated me.

[streak_56]

Okay..... I just visited my friends back in Ohio, and I asked if I could come over for a little while. But then I said that I did not want to cause any problems. At the same moment his parents invited me over and my friend said that I never have to ask, that I'm basically family. I wouldn't really find it rude for the friend to invite him/herself to come along unless it becomes a more constant thing, like continually. If it was because they're lonely, depressed or something in that regard. I would be more sympathetic because I've been in such a situation.

[crow_daw]

Well with my group of friends, we're so close that we don't really even have to ask. But outside of us, I think that it's quite rude and definitely creates an awkward situation. I personally try never to do that, but naturally it all depends on the situation.

[martinguerre]

it's only rude if you don't take no for an answer.

[Strange Famous]

personally I just try and hint like "Oh word, that sounds cool"

But I wouldnt directly invite myself, even with people I knew really well, cos it just seems ill-mannered to me.

[Daniel_]

as SF says - admit that it's an activity you like the sound of, but don't beg an invite directly.

[gustaf00]

Well, using some body language usually makes it a lot clearer for everyone. You can usually tell if someone would be thrilled if you came along, or regretting that the event got mentioned in front of you.

[Nisses]

Originally Posted by feelgood

As long they ASK then its ok to invite themselves along. But if they didn't bother directly asking you if they could come along, then that's just plain rude.

Exactly. Can't all be fishing for invites and dropping hints. Nothing wrong with asking IMHO. As long as the other party accepts your answer.

It's what we invented language for, to communicate.