Just shy or Fridgid Bitch? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Sage · 12-03-2005, 12:14 AM

Perhaps this is more of a rant, but I really would like some outside opnion on this situation, as I feel everyone involved in this on my end is a bit biased.

So. Martel and I like to frequent this certain store here in the city where we live, and it is a store that is akin to Gilda's tastes. (if this seems vauge, it's to insulate us at least a little bit incase someone we know is also on TFP). And this store is owned by a man- let's call him "Jet" and a woman- "MC" whom are married. Jet is a really nice dude, really laid back, always says hi to everyone, that sort of thing. MC, well...

MC never says a word to Martel or I, even when we directly are a) in her path of movement b) participating in a conversation in which she is also talking c) indeed, in the store at all. Basically, she gives us the silent treatment. Now, if we weren't ever in the store, and she didn't really know who we were, I'd understand it. BUT WE'RE FREAKING REGULARS. We're friends with Jet, hanging with him, helping him take out the trash at the end of the day, picking up stuff at Sam's club for his store, that sort of thing. We're also close friends with the other store employee, "J.D." and his girlfriend (who works next door) "Sally." We're there quite a lot, actually.

Now, if it was just us, I would chalk this whole thing up to "MC must not like us very much for some unknown reason oh well." However, MC NEVER TALKS TO ANY OF US. Not me, not Martel, nor any of our six other friends who hang out at the store on a regular basis. JD and Sally often remark on her strange behavior as well, as sometimes she will be all friendly with them and sometimes looks at them as if she's never seen them before. Everyone else is pretty much convinced that MC is a huge bitch with a chip on her shoulder.

Me, I dunno. On the one hand, it certianly seems she's totally biased against all the regulars, but on the other hand, perhaps she has a shyness/being in public issue. However, she works at an occupation (while Jet manages the store in body, she manages it in name) which requires her to be in almost constant contact with the public, so I am not sure how viable the shyness thing would be.

This has been puzzling me for some time, and it would be quite refreshing to get a new perspective on the whole thing... what do y'all think?

shakran · 12-03-2005, 12:34 AM

sounds shy to me.

Sage · 12-03-2005, 12:38 AM

Well, let me clarify a little. She *used* to talk to us. Occasionally still does. So, it's not like she's never said a word to us, just that she hasn't talked to us in the past, oh, four months.

KellyC · 12-03-2005, 01:03 AM

When I run my parents' store, there are a few regulars that come, I don't talk to them. Most of the time I don't, they're my parents' friends and customers, not mine. They ask, I answer, that's about it. Why don't I talk to them? Dunno, just don't feel like it, I guess. I figure if they want to talk to me, then they'd strike up a convo.

Does that make me a "fridgid bitch" too?

Does any of you ever try talking to her first?

match000 · 12-03-2005, 02:17 AM

Some people who seem reticent, distant, and not-nice are actually just extremely shy and unsure. I mean, if you say hi to these people, they become extremely animated, extremely open, and will talk with you nicely whether short or long.

I know this is the case with many people I meet/see on college campuses. I have learned that, as a rule of thumb, I should always be the one initiating, engaging, and that if they engage back, great, if not, who cares. This way, I never leave people the impression that *I* ignore or give them the silent treatment, and that this way I can be the most social.

I have had discussions with a few peers, who have asked me what are the 'rules of social engagement'. I mean, one guy told me he didn't know whether he should say hi first or not, blah blah. Basically people are not sure themselves.

KellyC · 12-03-2005, 02:34 AM

Match000, Thanks for the post.

It never occurred to me, but you might be right.

Sage · 12-03-2005, 06:02 AM

I totally agree that some people just need a little encouragement before opening up. However, MC doesn't talk to any of us despite numerous and repeated attempts to be polite and engaging. Cherry greetings of "HI, MC!" are met with looks the likes of which you'd give a dog trying to hump your leg. If you ask her a store related question, or (as was the case day before yesterday) politely ask her to do something store related, she just does it without responding.

the question still stands....

maleficent · 12-03-2005, 06:46 AM

I could probably be taken for a frigid bitch on a good day... I'm shy, painfully shy, that comes across as anti-social, stuck up and standoffish. I've always been like this. and as strange as it sounds... especially when dealing with the public... it's easier to be myself (shy and quiet) around people who've met me more than once... I don't have to put on that happy face front because they've already met me. I can be me. It's easy to put on a happy face for people at first meeting... then you can get comfortable and be who you really are. (As shy as I am, I have no problem standing in front of a room of 100 people or more and demoing software or teaching people how to use the software... but if I actually have to socialize with people after the session -- I can't do it - because then my real personality comes out.)

So I'll throw this question out... If it's a behavior change (and she's not psycho like me), what changed in the time when she used to talk vs now? Has anyone asked either her or her husband what's going on with her instead of just trying to figure it out by talking about her rather than to her... (I know when something is on my mind... I don't notice anyone, and retreat more into myself)

Mantus · 12-03-2005, 07:36 AM

Well even if she is a bitch it should not bother you. She is just breaking social protocal. Doesn't actually effect you guys.

If she does have a chip on her shoulder it's not because of you. She is probably dealing with some problems, worries or trauma. Can't expect her to actually get out there and talk about it do ya?

Or maybe making conversation is really hard for her so she tries very hard with new customers but then leaves the regulars alone. I used to have a very short social battery. I would be very active for the first hour of conversation then go DEAD. Would make people feel uncomfortable, they probably though it was them, that they were boring or something. But I just got exausted, had nothing to do with them.

So you say "HI" to her enthusiastically. Maybe you guys are too eager, she doesn't have the energy and worries about being bound into a long conversation.

There are ALLOT of variables and the chance this MC having something against you guys is probably 1 in 50. You guys might set this reaction off in her but even then it's not personal. The mind works in strange ways.

If she is an introvert (hate to use labels but it help at times) and you still wan't to engage her in some conversation do it in small bits. Get her used to the idea that if she responds she won't have to talk to you for hours. Try to avoid "fluff" talk. "How are you?", "Nice day" and BS like that. Keep things civil though, don't give her the cold shoulder, she is probably aware of her problem but feels trapped in her mindset.

Do you part but don't try to be a hero and save her from herself.

Stabs in the dark here, hope I hit something.

Cheers.

Toaster126 · 12-03-2005, 08:30 AM

I know this is a little blunt... but you could just ask her. If you told her how you were feeling about the situation and ask her about it, I'm sure you would get some sort of response. It might even sate your wonderment about this.

What's the worst that can happen?

guthmund · 12-03-2005, 11:12 AM

Quote:

MC never says a word to Martel or I, even when we directly are a) in her path of movement b) participating in a conversation in which she is also talking c) indeed, in the store at all.

She doesn't like you. a) you're expected to get out of her way. b) she's can't be too shy if she's participating in a conversation. Shy, from my experience, isn't just shy of a particular person, it's being shy...period. c) Conversations in the store just not around you...? Well, either she has something to hide from you guys in particular or she's more interested in what's on C-SPAN than in what you could possibly contribute.

Quote:

Cherry greetings of "HI, MC!" are met with looks the likes of which you'd give a dog trying to hump your leg.

Well, there you go....

Quote:

If you ask her a store related question, or (as was the case day before yesterday) politely ask her to do something store related, she just does it without responding.

She realizes it's still a business so, she has to keep people 'happy.' She's just not going to get all excited about it. The brain dead glare I get at Burger King from the kid over the counter when I ask for no tomatoes is comparable. He has to serve me as I am a paying customer, but he doesn't have to do a jig while he makes my milkshake.

You can make the argument either way. Maybe she really is shy, maybe she's just frigid, maybe you caught her in a bad cycle in her life. Behavior is a tricky thing to nail down, especially since none of us can actually observe her behavior ourselves. Word descriptions can only do so much. What it really boils down to, for me anyway, is this: what do you think is going on? In situations like these, I listen to my intuition. What does your intuition tell you is going on?

*Nikki* · 12-03-2005, 03:41 PM

I think no amount of guessing in the world is going to answer this question.

You just need to come out and ask her.

Martel · 12-03-2005, 07:53 PM

Personally I just think she is ill-suited to be running the sort of store that they own. Some stores you can get by just fine standing behind the counter waiting for customers to hand you money for things, but in this instance we're talking about a comic book / game shop, which is something that in my experience requires a little more customer interaction. Plus, her husband is reeeeeeally outgoing, so maybe she feels like she can't ever make friends like he can.

Its just that if she'd bother to say hi to us or act like she is aware of the fact that we are a part of the group that hangs out there a lot, helps out around the place, and supports the shop (and her livelihood) by buying things there that we could easily buy online for cheaper, it would be nice.

snowy · 12-03-2005, 08:06 PM

Sounds like a social retard to me. Personally, I'd chalk it up to that and move on. To me, something like this isn't worth worrying over. Someday, perhaps, she will learn to be a bit more assertive or socially adept, and then maybe you'll be able to have that conversation. But I wouldn't assume she's a frigid bitch just because she doesn't talk to you--I can be painfully shy at times and try to ignore people when I feel socially uncomfortable (I'm getting better about this though). All through school people thought I was a snob when in fact I just didn't know what to say to a stranger.

Sweetpea · 12-03-2005, 08:07 PM

Perhaps she just hates the job and the store now and is unhappy with life and it has nothing to do with you.....

personally, i don't think it has anything to do with you or the other regulars... it seems more like something in her personal life that may be bothering her, which often causes people to withdrawl from daily interactions, even with friends and at work....

In any case, if it's really bugging you... you could adress it and ask her what's up?? or ask her husband and see if anything is going on?

But myself, at our store that we go too, i know a couple people... but for the most part i don't care if they want to be my friend or not... i'm there for a the business and to get my items, not to make friends.... but that's me... some people would probably call ME a fridgid bitch because i have friends and i'm not interested in making more, this gal might be the same way...

at any rate, i wouldn't take it personally if i were you

Sweetpea

Suave · 12-03-2005, 11:32 PM

Go with shy. There's no point in negatively prejudging someone, unless it happens to pertain to your survival (ie. figuring out if some guy in an alley seems like a mugger). Three words: benefit of the doubt. Wait, that was four. We shall consider "of the" to be one word and I still win.

edit: After reading your clarifying posts, I'd decide against shy. Either way, I wouldn't take it personally.

12-03-2005, 12:14 AM	#1 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Just shy or Frigid Bitch? Perhaps this is more of a rant, but I really would like some outside opnion on this situation, as I feel everyone involved in this on my end is a bit biased. So. Martel and I like to frequent this certain store here in the city where we live, and it is a store that is akin to Gilda's tastes. (if this seems vauge, it's to insulate us at least a little bit incase someone we know is also on TFP). And this store is owned by a man- let's call him "Jet" and a woman- "MC" whom are married. Jet is a really nice dude, really laid back, always says hi to everyone, that sort of thing. MC, well... MC never says a word to Martel or I, even when we directly are a) in her path of movement b) participating in a conversation in which she is also talking c) indeed, in the store at all. Basically, she gives us the silent treatment. Now, if we weren't ever in the store, and she didn't really know who we were, I'd understand it. BUT WE'RE FREAKING REGULARS. We're friends with Jet, hanging with him, helping him take out the trash at the end of the day, picking up stuff at Sam's club for his store, that sort of thing. We're also close friends with the other store employee, "J.D." and his girlfriend (who works next door) "Sally." We're there quite a lot, actually. Now, if it was just us, I would chalk this whole thing up to "MC must not like us very much for some unknown reason oh well." However, MC NEVER TALKS TO ANY OF US. Not me, not Martel, nor any of our six other friends who hang out at the store on a regular basis. JD and Sally often remark on her strange behavior as well, as sometimes she will be all friendly with them and sometimes looks at them as if she's never seen them before. Everyone else is pretty much convinced that MC is a huge bitch with a chip on her shoulder. Me, I dunno. On the one hand, it certianly seems she's totally biased against all the regulars, but on the other hand, perhaps she has a shyness/being in public issue. However, she works at an occupation (while Jet manages the store in body, she manages it in name) which requires her to be in almost constant contact with the public, so I am not sure how viable the shyness thing would be. This has been puzzling me for some time, and it would be quite refreshing to get a new perspective on the whole thing... what do y'all think? __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi Last edited by Sage; 12-03-2005 at 12:25 AM..

12-03-2005, 12:38 AM	#3 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Well, let me clarify a little. She used to talk to us. Occasionally still does. So, it's not like she's never said a word to us, just that she hasn't talked to us in the past, oh, four months. __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

12-03-2005, 01:03 AM	#4 (permalink)
KellyC Comment or else!! Location: Home sweet home	When I run my parents' store, there are a few regulars that come, I don't talk to them. Most of the time I don't, they're my parents' friends and customers, not mine. They ask, I answer, that's about it. Why don't I talk to them? Dunno, just don't feel like it, I guess. I figure if they want to talk to me, then they'd strike up a convo. Does that make me a "fridgid bitch" too? Does any of you ever try talking to her first? __________________ Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe? Me: Shit happens.

12-03-2005, 02:34 AM	#6 (permalink)
KellyC Comment or else!! Location: Home sweet home	Match000, Thanks for the post. It never occurred to me, but you might be right. __________________ Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe? Me: Shit happens.

12-03-2005, 06:02 AM	#7 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	I totally agree that some people just need a little encouragement before opening up. However, MC doesn't talk to any of us despite numerous and repeated attempts to be polite and engaging. Cherry greetings of "HI, MC!" are met with looks the likes of which you'd give a dog trying to hump your leg. If you ask her a store related question, or (as was the case day before yesterday) politely ask her to do something store related, she just does it without responding. the question still stands.... __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

12-03-2005, 12:34 AM	#2 (permalink)
shakran Tone.	sounds shy to me.

12-03-2005, 02:17 AM	#5 (permalink)
match000 Psycho	Some people who seem reticent, distant, and not-nice are actually just extremely shy and unsure. I mean, if you say hi to these people, they become extremely animated, extremely open, and will talk with you nicely whether short or long. I know this is the case with many people I meet/see on college campuses. I have learned that, as a rule of thumb, I should always be the one initiating, engaging, and that if they engage back, great, if not, who cares. This way, I never leave people the impression that I ignore or give them the silent treatment, and that this way I can be the most social. I have had discussions with a few peers, who have asked me what are the 'rules of social engagement'. I mean, one guy told me he didn't know whether he should say hi first or not, blah blah. Basically people are not sure themselves.

12-03-2005, 06:46 AM	#8 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I could probably be taken for a frigid bitch on a good day... I'm shy, painfully shy, that comes across as anti-social, stuck up and standoffish. I've always been like this. and as strange as it sounds... especially when dealing with the public... it's easier to be myself (shy and quiet) around people who've met me more than once... I don't have to put on that happy face front because they've already met me. I can be me. It's easy to put on a happy face for people at first meeting... then you can get comfortable and be who you really are. (As shy as I am, I have no problem standing in front of a room of 100 people or more and demoing software or teaching people how to use the software... but if I actually have to socialize with people after the session -- I can't do it - because then my real personality comes out.) So I'll throw this question out... If it's a behavior change (and she's not psycho like me), what changed in the time when she used to talk vs now? Has anyone asked either her or her husband what's going on with her instead of just trying to figure it out by talking about her rather than to her... (I know when something is on my mind... I don't notice anyone, and retreat more into myself) __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

12-03-2005, 07:36 AM	#9 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	Well even if she is a bitch it should not bother you. She is just breaking social protocal. Doesn't actually effect you guys. If she does have a chip on her shoulder it's not because of you. She is probably dealing with some problems, worries or trauma. Can't expect her to actually get out there and talk about it do ya? Or maybe making conversation is really hard for her so she tries very hard with new customers but then leaves the regulars alone. I used to have a very short social battery. I would be very active for the first hour of conversation then go DEAD. Would make people feel uncomfortable, they probably though it was them, that they were boring or something. But I just got exausted, had nothing to do with them. So you say "HI" to her enthusiastically. Maybe you guys are too eager, she doesn't have the energy and worries about being bound into a long conversation. There are ALLOT of variables and the chance this MC having something against you guys is probably 1 in 50. You guys might set this reaction off in her but even then it's not personal. The mind works in strange ways. If she is an introvert (hate to use labels but it help at times) and you still wan't to engage her in some conversation do it in small bits. Get her used to the idea that if she responds she won't have to talk to you for hours. Try to avoid "fluff" talk. "How are you?", "Nice day" and BS like that. Keep things civil though, don't give her the cold shoulder, she is probably aware of her problem but feels trapped in her mindset. Do you part but don't try to be a hero and save her from herself. Stabs in the dark here, hope I hit something. Cheers. Last edited by Mantus; 12-03-2005 at 11:39 AM..

12-03-2005, 08:30 AM	#10 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	I know this is a little blunt... but you could just ask her. If you told her how you were feeling about the situation and ask her about it, I'm sure you would get some sort of response. It might even sate your wonderment about this. What's the worst that can happen? __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

12-03-2005, 03:41 PM	#12 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	I think no amount of guessing in the world is going to answer this question. You just need to come out and ask her.

12-03-2005, 07:53 PM	#13 (permalink)
Martel Insane Location: Sage's bed	Personally I just think she is ill-suited to be running the sort of store that they own. Some stores you can get by just fine standing behind the counter waiting for customers to hand you money for things, but in this instance we're talking about a comic book / game shop, which is something that in my experience requires a little more customer interaction. Plus, her husband is reeeeeeally outgoing, so maybe she feels like she can't ever make friends like he can. Its just that if she'd bother to say hi to us or act like she is aware of the fact that we are a part of the group that hangs out there a lot, helps out around the place, and supports the shop (and her livelihood) by buying things there that we could easily buy online for cheaper, it would be nice. __________________ Anamnesis

12-03-2005, 08:06 PM	#14 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Sounds like a social retard to me. Personally, I'd chalk it up to that and move on. To me, something like this isn't worth worrying over. Someday, perhaps, she will learn to be a bit more assertive or socially adept, and then maybe you'll be able to have that conversation. But I wouldn't assume she's a frigid bitch just because she doesn't talk to you--I can be painfully shy at times and try to ignore people when I feel socially uncomfortable (I'm getting better about this though). All through school people thought I was a snob when in fact I just didn't know what to say to a stranger. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

12-03-2005, 08:07 PM	#15 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	Perhaps she just hates the job and the store now and is unhappy with life and it has nothing to do with you..... personally, i don't think it has anything to do with you or the other regulars... it seems more like something in her personal life that may be bothering her, which often causes people to withdrawl from daily interactions, even with friends and at work.... In any case, if it's really bugging you... you could adress it and ask her what's up?? or ask her husband and see if anything is going on? But myself, at our store that we go too, i know a couple people... but for the most part i don't care if they want to be my friend or not... i'm there for a the business and to get my items, not to make friends.... but that's me... some people would probably call ME a fridgid bitch because i have friends and i'm not interested in making more, this gal might be the same way... at any rate, i wouldn't take it personally if i were you Sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

12-03-2005, 11:32 PM	#16 (permalink)
Suave Twitterpated Location: My own little world (also Canada)	Go with shy. There's no point in negatively prejudging someone, unless it happens to pertain to your survival (ie. figuring out if some guy in an alley seems like a mugger). Three words: benefit of the doubt. Wait, that was four. We shall consider "of the" to be one word and I still win. edit: After reading your clarifying posts, I'd decide against shy. Either way, I wouldn't take it personally. __________________ "Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato