FngKestrel

I feel like that when it comes to important phone calls or dealing with upper management. My brain starts scrambling for answers to the tangents and my speech becomes quiet and mumbled.

Gilda

But there was. I was uncomfortable to start, and got more so the longer we talked. By the way, the conversation continuted non-stop as we walked to the administative offices, moving on to how I was injured, where I went to school, what the subject of my dissertation was, what it's like teaching middle school, how it was nice to have another woman under 50 in the department, and so forth.

I got where I needed to go, which technically makes this conversation a success, but it was an uncomfortable ride, so to speak. I also managed not to embarrass myself, so that part, too, was a success.

Oh, I can assure you without question that that isn't going to happen. One casual encounter with a 20 minute conversation doesn't make us friends or allies. I got the impression she's like this with everyone, that it's just her personality. If this is true, then I really don't want to assume anything further about anything she said to me, or assume a familiarity that isn't really there, and thus risk making her uncomfortable. I did ok with the passive answer questions and not get too aggressive approach that I used, so I think I'll stick with that for now and see where it leads me.

In addition, she didn't know during the conversaion that I'm a lesbian. That will become generally known very soon, specifically Tuesday afternoon when I take Grace to the faculty dinner with me (apparently it's almost as much of a snub not to bring your spouse as it is not to come yourself; strange and alien ways abound here). However, that knowledge tends to color other interactions. I can't compliment another woman on her appearance the way most women do, because there's always the possibility that this will cause offense or be misinterpreted as something other than a casual comment.

And trying to make matching appointments? That's a minefield of potential misinterpretation just waiting to go off.

Basically, the first two guys told me the directions in the first minute, and this woman made me wait until I'd gone through a good 20 minutes of slow torture in the form of question after questiion.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

I think that most of the time, judgments exist because there is some element of truth to them. I don't mean to say that all judgments are always true all the time, but if we're not going to live entirely within ourselves, we have to, on some level accept that other people matter also. We have to give others power to affect us in order to be connected to them. When we're in a situation where the power already lies with the other people, such as when we're in a restaurant, or in a store, or talking to a supervisor, it makes sense to recognize that they already have the power whether we like that or not. When asking for directions, it's the other person who has the power, to decide whether to give them or not, to give them accurately or not. This isn't internalizing negative things, it's just recognizing reality.

This is part of why I had more difficulty asking the men for directions than the women. In a very real physical sense, these guys had the power to do me great physical harm, and if they chose to do so, I would have little to no ability to do anything about it. Recognizing this isn't internalizing outside influences, it's just recognizing reality. I understand that this is highly unlikely, but to not be aware of this possibility is to be taking an unnecessary chance.

Thank you, I'll look at it.

Ok let me try. I'll use the Denny's incident:

1. What's the situation

Nobody served me or took my order for half an hour.

2. What automatic thoughts am I using

The people decided not to serve me. They saw something about me that they disliked.

3. What cognitive distortions am I using

From your thread:

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
A. MIND READING: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out.
B. THE FORTUNETELLER ERROR: You can anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

I was doing both A and B.

4. What could I ask to challenge this?

What other reasons might there be for their not serving me?

5. What would be a more realistic statement?

They might have decided not to serve me, or it might be an oversight. I have no way of knowing which it is. There's no way of knowing what would happen if I decided to confront them about it.

Ok, I get to this point, and I'm not sure what to do next. Let's assume I had the presense of mind to do this at the restaurant. Maybe I get up and leave earlier instead of sticking it out? I realize now that that's what I should have done. Maybe I just chalk it up to bad service at a restaurant, and say, well, getting an egg McMuffin instead of getting an omelette isn't such a bad thing.

I don't know. The problem is that that's in the past, and I can't see any way to apply this in the moment, when I'm faced with an interaction that isn't going by the rules, the script I'm used to. It would take far too much time and presense of mind; it's really only in hindsight that I'm able to do this. It's taken me a good 15-20 minutes to write this, thinking about each part of it, and referring to the list a couple of times.

Still, I do very much appreciate the help.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

Sure it does. I respect your opinions, even when I disagree with them. This place would have little value to me if I didn't care about what the people here said and thought.

I know that. It isn't the mistakes that bother me, it's the potential negative consequences that go with them. I can't alienate someone if I never say anything offensive to them, and I can't say anything offensive if I avoid saying anything with potential to offend. For example, in the conversation with the woman in the hallway yesterday, I could have commented on how charming I found her accent coming from an Asian woman, but there are three or four ways for her to find offense in such a statement, so I kee it to myself. Sure, she might have just accepted it at face value, but I have no way of knowing what the outcome would be (Fortune Telling), so it's best to err on the side of caution and not say anything.

So, wait, you mean that it's ok to make mistakes? Sure, I get that. But it doesn't hurt to minimize the number of mistakes we make.

There's something I don't think you understand. I don't have any friends in real life. Grace and Sissy and Boris are my family. I had those guys in my comic club, but they weren't friends, just some guys I shared an interest with, and who respected me because I know a lot about comics, I'm really good at leading a discussion of literature (it is what I do for a living) and I have a truly awesome collection of comic books and cartoons. They weren't friends, but even that small connection is gone.

Of course Grace and Sissy will still love and respect me. I get that unconditionally from Grace because I'm her lover, and from Sissy because I'm the closest thing to a decent parent she's ever had.

That type of unconditional acceptance doesn't exist when I'm interacting with strangers, when I'm in a store or restaurant, or talking to a colleague I just met in the corridor, so I have to be very careful with what I say and do. They're going to react to me based solely on my actions and their perceptions of me, so I have to be careful to project just the right image and be much more careful what I say. I've gone back and changed the wording in this post and deleted a paragraph already because I want to be as clear as possible, and not be tempted to come back here tomorrow and erase this

Thank you. I appreciate the advice. I don't think it's possible for any interaction to have only an upside, though. TANSTAAFL.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

I realize that. The probability is small. But it is there. Not being aware of that would be foolish.

I have no idea. It obviously couldn't be out of concern for my health or welfare, because we'd never seen each other or spoken before that moment.

I'm sorry, but I don't really see that as a reasonable interpretation. I'm a complete stranger. Why should he care about how I feel or my injuries?

This is exactly what I was doing in that restaurant when I wasn't served. I was wondering if they were reacting to something about me, the way I was dressed, or something I did.

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Cynthetiq

I this entry you state how it's acceptable to make mistakes, but at the same time that you don't want to make mistakes because of the negative consequences that come with them.

But that's all about making the mistake.

It's okay to have the negative consequences that come with the mistake. You aren't accepting of that portion of the mistake experience.

I cannot say these things much better than someone else has already done.

If you've been reading my journal you've probably already read these, but these apply to you from my personal growth bible: If Life is a Game These Are the Rules. Of the 10 "rules" these 5 apply.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Gilda

That's what I was getting at. It isn't the mistake part that I mind, it's the consequences.

I fully accept that it's ok to make mistakes. I also think that it makes sense to avoid the mistakes whenever possible so as to avoid the negative consequences that come with them. I carefully avoided saying anything offensive and said only the minimum when talking to the woman Friday because there were actual consequences--delaying the directions part of the interaction--potential consequences--being offensive--and no benefits.

Plus, she seems like a very nice person, she seems to have a good grasp of the nature of the university subculture, and if I'm processing what she said accurately, we're the only two women in English teacher prep under the age of 50. So this is a person it would be good to have on my side. But even as I write that, it seems cold. It obviously would be inconsiderate of me to use her as a tool for my own benefit; I don't want to be the kind of person who does that, uses people.

Thus, it's even more important not to do or say anything that would make me seem foolish or offensive around her, at least until I know what will and won't do that.

Of course I don't actually go through that thought process at the time; at the time, I just keep thinking that I want to avoid offense, and I want to get the information I asked for.

Damn, I'm arguing with you again. I'll just stop now.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

Thanks Cynthetiq. I have Life 101 around here somewhere, maybe it'll help to dig it out.

After all this whining and moaning and arguing I've been doing, I wanted to finish this up with a couple of thoughts, and one conversation I actually enjoyed.

1. I'm not sure why I don't just shut up and listen. I guess I'm trying to treat this like therapy, where I tend to do the vast majority of the talking. If I ask for advice, I should probably listen to it more than I have been.

2. I appreciate all the advice given, even when I was arguing with you. Please understand that I didn't mean to be hostile, so if that's what it sounds like, I apologize.

3. I am so glad the experiment is over and I can go back to just finding my way on my own. I have no idea whether the experiment was a success or a failure. It was really uncomfortable, but I did end up getting where I needed to go, so I think it's a wash.

4. Grace and I went shopping for outfits to wear to the dinner Tuesday. I had planned something to wear, but when we were out shopping, it occurred to me that I don't know the level of formality required, so I didn't know what to get. [sigh] Another one of those things where everyone at the university but me probably just knows this. Which reminds me that I don't know how I'm supposed to dress for class, either. Do they expect business professional, business casual, sporty casual, is straight casual ok everyday, or do they have casual Fridays? Is it different for instructors and for department heads?

There really ought to be a flyer with a FAQ containing stuff like this on it for new employees so that we wouldn't have to just muddle through with guesswork, trial and error. I'm going to watch the other female teachers to see what level they display and act accordingly.

5. I know that I'm a good person, that I am acceptable, that I am worthy of the love of those close to me. It's not my image of myself that colors my interactions with strangers, it's the image others have of me, or might have of me.

Ok, on to the pleasant conversaion. Friday morning, I'm at the elementary school where I'm voluneering as an aide. Now this is an easy place for interaction. The teachers tell me what to do, and I do it. No small talk necessary. And I get to chat with the kids, which is fun because I like to see how their minds work.

I'm reading a phonics reader with a little girl, and we finish the excercise early:

She: Miss Nakim, uh, Naker, uh . . .
Me: Nok-uh-mur-uh
She: Miss Nakarooma, my leg hurts. [I love the way they keep butchering my name]
Me: My arm is broken. [I hold up my cast]
She: [goggles at me for a second] I hit it at recess. See? [she shows me a bruise]
Me: My arm broken here, here, here, and here.
She: I was running and I bumped into Kyle and fell down.
Me: I drove my car into a ditch.
She: I bumped here, see?
Me: I have frizzy hair.
She: My hair's frizzer than yours is. It's all messed up from recess.
Me: No your hair's just mussed. Mine's frizzy from the humidity.
She: Uh-uh, see?
Me: I have split ends, too.
She: [grins]
Me: Do you know any good hairdressers?
She: I could ask my mom. She gets her hair colored.
Me: Me too. I actually have green hair. It matches my eyes.
She: Your eyes aren't green, they're tan.
Me: That's called amber. I have my eyes colored, too.
She: [grins again] No you don't!
Me: Yes I do! [I reach up and slide the contact lens down a little bit.]
She: Those are contacts!
Me: That's what I told you. I'm near-sighted.
She: My eyes are . . .

At this point the teacher sent me a new student, which was a shame, because you really don't get a chance for witty banter like this very often. I'm looking forward to Monday, because I really could use a new hairdresser.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

lurkette

Good for you for going out and talking to strangers. The point of the experiment was not that it was going to be a success or a failure - it was for you to be in a deliberately uncomfortable situation, and to just notice (in a mindfulness "noticing" sort of way) your feelings, and to see that there were no "real" negative consequences. You keep talking about these "negative consequences" like they're real things, things you can touch, like a physical wound. Not that feelings and opinions are not real, but they're not "true." And the feelings and thoughts that you are choosing (yes, choosing) to have about your interactions with strangers are not serving you very well. That's all I was trying to convey.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Gilda

Ok. Thank you.

I had about a page of rebuttal typed up, but it was just a repetition of what I've been saying, so I see nothing to be gained by posting it.

If it's any consolation, I've been bitchy and moody at home all week long, too. It isn't just the people here I've been taking it out on. I do appreciate the patience and support you've shown me, even if that hasn't been clear from what I've been posting.

It's just . . . I'm here in this place where I know that my being closed off from other people tends to keep me isolated at work and when in public and I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be so closed off from the world, and I don't see any way to get from point A to point B, I don't see any path from where I am to where I want to be, so it's just easier to defend the status quo than to try to fix something that so badly broken.

And now I have this party to go to, and I've never been good at parties. I managed to avoid every single party at my old school in the six plus years I taught there, and now I've managed to let myself be manipulated into actually going to one here, and I don't even work here yet. I wanted to develop a reputation for being a good teacher before I met very many people. I was trying to come up with an excuse not to go, but Grace won't let me; she says that now that I've agreed to go, I need to follow up on my commitment.

And the woman from Friday just popped into my office today and sat down and talked for 20 minutes about nothing but trivia, the party, what I'm wearing, who I've met so far, what did I think of Dr. Departmenthead, etc., and all I can think is that all I did was ask for directions, and wonder why she's doing this, what her motive is.

And stress just keeps piling up on stress and I know that it's all entirely my own doing.

Thank you for your help. It is appreciated, everything from everyone. It wasn't my intention to keep dumping on everyone here, and your patience with me this last week has been more than generous, more than my behavior warranted.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Cynthetiq

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

I cannot see the direct path to the destination, but I know it's there. I just know. I know that I have to put one foot in front of the other and eventually I will be there. It may not be the most direct route, it may not be the quickest path, but it is a path.

The skills are within you, you used them to get to know Grace, Sweetpea, Lurkette, and the rest of us, you now need to apply those same things from a written tete a tete to a physical in person one.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

JustJess

Gilda, may I give you the POV of the random chatter? I am often that person - I will engage a person I don't know, ask questions, etc. And I swear, I mean no harm. See, the extroverted types like moi are often unintentionally difficult. We think we're being nice! I would bet good money - no, GREAT money - that she is seeing a new woman in her area, similar education, similar age range, brand new and can see that you're a bit shy, so she's making the overtures. She's being FRIENDLY.

She's thinking, "Oh, Dr. Nakamura doesn't know anyone yet, hasn't started classes, let me help her get adjusted, let her know she's got an ally to help her with all this new stuff." We see someone who acts like they're feeling out of place or awkward, especially if we're comfortable in the surroundings, and we want to help. That's it. If I see someone with a lost expression in my building, or on the sidewalk by work (we have several buildings next to each other), I'll just stop and ask if they need any help. I have NO ulterior motives, I just like helping people. It's fun sometimes, sometimes I meet someone new and interesting, and I always feel better about my day and my karma. I'd bet she's similar.

Plus, she's probably dying for someone her own age to talk to - maybe she sees you as a relief from the rest of the department. And if she does all the talking and leading of the conversation, then it's EASIER for you - you just have to follow rather than figuring out how to lead the conversation. Maybe she's a little annoying, but she's harmless. And she's going to be a HUGE help at the party, she's already decided to help you. That means she'll introduce you to people so you don't have to figure out who they are, she'll let you know some of the guidelines of how it works there, and she's probably a great person to ask about the dress code for the party.

Don't worry about feeling like you're using her. One, we all use our friends for different things whether we realize it or not. Two, she's offering to be used that way.

Go forth and prosper.

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

abaya

I think this paragraph is one of the most important in all of your posts on this thread. You are letting down your defensive verbal tactic just enough to let us know that you KNOW something's wrong, and that you WANT to change it. You just don't know how. And that's perfectly honest, sincere, and human.. I think most of us can identify with that.

Gilda, I admit that I had a hard time knowing what to say when you spent so much energy typing up these involved defenses of your status quo, when it was obvious how badly you wanted to change it.. but since I am also someone who suffers from "paralysis by analysis," I understand that you are puzzling it all out as you go. And that's okay.

Just keep remembering that you DON'T want to be like this. Every time you feel like being defensive, remember that you said you wanted to get to Point B... and defending your status quo will only keep you at Point A. I think you are amazing for starting to tackle these fears... I have some pretty severe phobias myself at times, and it's all I can do to force myself to keep my life "normal" when they are on the rampage. Sometimes I really can't manage it at all.

As for the Chatty Kathy who stopped by your office... it's interesting that you immediately start to wonder about her motives. Motives? Do you think she might be out to hurt you? It 's important to know what's behind your reaction of suspicion. Has she given you any reason to be suspicious? Tell us about that if you can.

In my opinion, she's being friendly. I guess I fall on the side of Jess in this sense.. yes, I don't like having random people talk to me when I am in my introverted place, but sometimes I see other people who seem shy, and I want to reach out to them, get to know them, even... BEFRIEND them. I have a pretty good feeling that's what this lady is "up to." And yes, she will be your knight in shining armor at the dinner party (which I am so glad you are going to, even though it is terrifying to you now)... she will be the social lubricant that you need to get through the night.

Let us know how it goes, eh? All my best to you.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Cimarron29414

Gilda,

I have a million thoughts and they all boil down to a declarative: You are the most delightfully, infuriating person I have met in a while! This world would become a better place if you would share more of yourself with it.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Gilda

I'm back. I survived. It was unpleasant, but it's over and it'll likely be months before I have to anything like this again.

I'm tired. I'll update tomorrow.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

ratbastid

I can give you a hint about that! She's your friend now. Her motive was: to be friendly.

Dr. ratbastid's prescription: Less Thinking. Your mind does NOT want to leave Point A. Your mind will argue for the status quo. Your mind is NOT your friend. Try listening to it less.

(Incidentally, I'm inspired as hell by your courage in taking this on in your life.)

tec-9-7

This is awesome! One of the best posts I've ever seen!

Gilda

I was going to update regarding the party, but I'm tired once again, after writing about it in my journal.

However,

I'm thinking when I first read this, that's it? Two twenty-minute conversations, and you're friends? That seems too easy. Especially since I contributed so little to the conversations. She probably knows Sissy better than she does me after their conversation Tuesday. Which reminds me, I need to get around to punishing her severely for talking to Dr. KGB about me and telling her all those things I was thinking but was too shy to talk about when I was talking to her.

I had more to say, but I'm tired. Tomorrow.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

tec-9-7

Believe it or not, Gilda, I think it may be that easy. Lots of people would love to be friends w/ someone who listens rather than waits to talk (whether that's what you were doing or not). Sometimes all being a friend takes (at least to start) is being a receptive ear. Maybe you look friendly to her... Who knows. Someone I care about once told me "Get out of your head!" Sometimes it helps not to over-analyze.

Cynthetiq

you obviously have a higher definition of friends.

for me I have acquaintances, work friends, bar/social friends, friends of friends, and my real honest to goodness friends. Some of them I may not have spoken to in months at any length greater than 5 minutes.

But for my real honest to goodness friends, I hold a high definition and also a decent maintenance for them. It's important that we somehow remain in contact either phone or in person on a somewhat regular time. I fret about my best friend in LA because I only get to spend about 6 hours with him a year if I'm lucky. It makes me sometimes wonder how we can still be best friends.

Friendship DEVELOPS, 22 minutes is just starting point.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Charlatan

Very true cyn... I would say that Dr. KGB is trying to be friendly. She is satisfying the initial qualifications of a "work friend".

I agree with most that has been said about her above... especially the part about her helping you to adjust to your new surroundings. I used to be very shy and still have a healthy does of it running through my brain... I know where you are coming from on this and my only advice has already been said: Don't over analyse things. From what I can see from your journal, Dr. KGB seems to really have your best interests at heart.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

ngdawg

" I didn't give my business to a restaurant where, for whatever reason, I wasn't wanted. Another upside: I didn't have to confront them and find out why they didn't want me there, thus being embarrassed at being told directly why I was unacceptable. Was it the way I was dressed, or how I acted, what? On the one hand, it would be nice to know so that I could avoid doing whatever it was that made me unwanted th enext time I was in a restaurant and get good service, but on the other hand, it would be embarrassing to be told directly why I was unacceptable."

This saddens me. As a former 'shy' person(a friend from high school called me 'painfully shy' just recently about those days), I understand the feelings behind it.
It took some therapy and some major re-learning about who I am, with the help of a very tough friend to get to this thought: Sometimes, it just isn't about US.
We have this thought that we're projecting some sort of awful, monster-like persona that repels people and when someone attempts to befriend or help, we attribute it to pity instead of their own need to reach out and be helpful.
Many times we sabotage it, solidifying our false thoughts that we ARE less than worthy.
Please, PLEASE know that you ARE worthy, that people will connect or reject based on their OWN feelings, not yours. No one ever died from shyness, but it does hold back a lot of living. Better to step just a bit over your own line and enjoy than to stand behind it and wonder....take chances, make mistakes and know that with each one, your learned more about yourself than you knew before, not to mention the pride that comes with knowing you did what you thought you couldn't do.

__________________
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Gilda

No, she hasen't given me any reason to think she has ulterior motives, that all comes from inside me.

Maybe it's because whenever I interact with someone other than Grace or Sissy, I stop ahead of time to decide what the purpose of the interaction is so that I'll know what the rules are for the interaction. For example, when I asked her directions, in my mind, the purpose of the interaction was to get a specific piece of information from her.

So when an interaction doesn't go as expected, I stop to wonder what thir motive is, how it differs from mine.

The other thing is that my experience has been that letting people in means getting hurt. In my real life, Grace is the only person who has been an exception. My experience has also been that when people are nice, when they compliment or show an interest in me personally, it's because they want something from me.

I get that, and I can see after the fact that that's probably what she was doing. I was trying to report what my thoughts were at the time, to help understand why I behaved and felt the way I did.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Cynthetiq

In a previous post you mentioned minimizing mistakes, unfortunately for social interactions the more mistakes one makes (with no real repurcussions) the more one learns. Examples would be proper ettiquette of silver, glasses, etc. The more you do it the more comfortable you become using them and don't wonder "What's the small tiny fork for???"

My mother in law wonders how I know PCs so well. I know more about PCs because I made more mistakes than the average person. Instead of freaking out like my mother in law does, I turn the machine off and back on trying to figure out what I did wrong to cause the problem.

It's all about experience. Experience isn't just good ends, but also some bad ones. You do have to try to keep the good higher than the bad, that's for sure.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Gilda

I understand she was being friendly. My question at the time was about why was she being friendly.

Ok, that makes sense. I didn't know people did that. I mean, Grace and Sissy do nice things for me because they love me. Some person I've never met before has no reason to be nice to me unless they're getting something out of the interaction.

I was going to say I don't think we all do that with friends, but I've never had any friends I wasn't related to, so I'd be arguing from a position of ignorance. The closest I've ever come was the guys in my comic club, and one or two of the male teachers at work, but none of them were really friends.

I had Katie for my first 16 years, and that's all I needed. She acted as my confidant, tried to shield me from our parents when she could, and was social enough that we had friends who enjoyed hanging out with us, but it became clear after she died that "our" friends were really all her friends, and I was just along for the ride. I've had Grace for the last four years, or closing in on five now, but we were lovers before we were friends, so that doesn't really count either.

Note, I am not trying to defend the status quo, not arguing with you, just explaining my thoughts on the subject.

How can you tell if someone's being nice to get something from you, and being nice just to be nice? I've been a remarkably poor judge of that in the past. I still don't like the idea of using someone for my benefit, even if they're offering, because then I'd be placing myself in that first group.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

To paraphrase Homer Simpson: All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with anxiety.

I just wanted to point out that in my previous response, I wasn't arguing with you, I was just surprised that it could actually be as simple as "She seems nice, let's be friends." I've never had a relationship that worked that way.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

That's the shrimp fork. Shrimp cocktail, second course at Tuesday's dinner. Grace gave me training before the party on stuff like that. I learned the basic rules of etiquette as a little girl, but those were working class Irish etiquette rules, not upper-class dinner party rules, which operate a lot differently.

My solution is to say, "Sissy, I messed up. Come fix this please." And she does. If she can't fix it, we ask Grace. If Grace can't fix it, it's time to reformat the hard disc and reinstall windows, cuz it can't be saved. Fortunately, this has only happened once.

The difference is that I can look up etiquette rules in a book and know what those are, and even then I made a bunch of mistakes Tuesday, like asking the maid to call me by my first name (that one still seems bizarre to me) and asking for a Pepsi. The same is true with a PC. With a person, it doesn't work. I can't go on the internet, do a search on Dr. KGB, and figure out how to talk to her while minimizing mistakes and maximizing the possibility of a successful interaction.

As I'm typing this, I keep wondering, am I arguing for the status quo, or just explaining why I do things the way I do? How can I tell the difference?

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

I'm transferring this from my journal, because it's easier to discuss in an actual thread. I wanted to use the journal to just describe what happened, and come here to analyze why I felt and behaved the way I did:

This is in response to a part of my journal detailing how I messed up talking to a maid. I invited her to call me by my first name and then asked for a Coke or Pepsi. The maid wouldn't call me by my first name, and offered to send out for a soft drink. I tried to switch to water, but Grace gave my arm a squeeze to indicate I should tell the woman what I wanted and let her go.

This confuses me for a couple of reasons. The way I was raised was that you address a superior or someone in a business relationship as [title][lastname] unless invited to do otherwise. The maid addressed me as Dr. Nakamura, and I invited her to call me Gilda. I don't see why her calling me by my first name is impolite after I've invited her to do so, or how this would prevent her from doing her job properly, or why it's anybody's business but mine what she calls me.

That's why I've been debating how much to put into the socializing aspect. I know I'll be a good teacher, that students will enjoy my classes for the most part and will learn the subject matter well, that I'll be able to publish in journals on a regular basis. That should be enough to at least get me to assistant professor without any social stuff. Tenured full professor is the big step. The main advantage of each promotion is less teaching of survey courses and more upper division and graduate stuff, and a smaller class load.

First, it was the third part of the party with the stress of forced interaction and all of the mistakes I'd been making piling up, so anything that goes off script at that point was going to be stressful. Attempting to flirt with me was definitely not expected behavior.

One of the first things that we'd talked about in any interaction was that yes, I was married, to the tall Japanese woman in the black dress. It usually followed closely behind asking about my name. So they knew going in that I was both gay and married, meaning that there was no way in hell they were getting in my pants. Attempting to flirt with me knowing that I was gay is silly, and makes them look a little silly, but it isn't offensive. Attempting to flirt with me knowing I was married is downright insulting, as it implies that they think I'm less than completely faithful to Grace. Questioning my love for my lifemate is an insult no matter how it's disguised.

Do they keep flirting even after they find out you're straight? What would the point of that be?

I disagree on the graduation thing. Graduation is for the graduates. The audience is there to support them.

I don't think I was ungracious. I accepted the toast, raised my glass for the toast (some wit had to make fun of my toasting with a soft drink ) and accepted. I did turn beet red, which one of the women had to note and make fun of also (I'm very pale, so when I blush, it's very, very obvious), which further added to my discomfort, but I didn't do anything up to that point other than accept the hospitality, even though I would have gratefully crawled into a hole an covered up if I could have.

I was very polite when I declined to have my picture taken. Both times. I explained, again, politely, that I don't like having my picture taken. Why shouldn't matter; if someon doesn't want their picture taken, for whatever reason, you don't take their picture. If anyone was being ungracious here, it was her. Grace is the only one who takes my picture, and even then it's iffy whether I'm ok with in or end up freaking out. I still sometimes get flashbacks even when it is Grace. Having a strange woman take pictures of me with a group of middle aged men standing around watching wouldn't have been just uncomfortable, it would have felt like an assault. Of course there's no way to say that to them, but I shouldn't have to say anything but that I don't like having my picture taken.

Anyway, Grace did manage to extract me without insulting the woman, so it ended ok.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

As it happens, there was a second party I ended up attending. Grace was scheduled to begin work at the University medical center nest week, but had agreed to be put on call ahead of time. So, wouldn't you know it, she gets called in yesterday and today.

The doctors and nurses there had a little Thanksgiving celebration there, and Grace called me at home this morning and said to come on down and bring something; the ER was dead and she could use some company. And a peach pie. And a goose (all they had was ham and turkey). Fortunately, I had both ready to go, so I popped the goose into the oven early instead of waiting until Grace got home, and made some matching stuffing, and headed off to the hospital (and when I say I did those things, I mean Sissy did them while I bossed her around). Everyone was in scrubs but me, and the other guests, so it was strange mixture of scrubs, casual wear, and a few people popping in from family dinners dressed to the nines. We were going to be around young doctors, so Sissy was wearing a low cut top and miniskirt, and I was in a simple green and brown dress (this one), with mary jane flats. I didn't look nearly as nice, but felt a lot more comfortable.

It was much more relaxed, and a lot more fun than Tuesday night. Grace and I danced a little, my goose was inhaled in about ten minutes, and we got to go visit with some of the kids in the children's ward and play with them.

This is my idea of a party.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Charlatan

The simple answer to this? With practice. Those of us who have experience in socializing learn to see the cues that tell us when we think someone is being genuine or not. The way we learn these cues is by, as Cynthetiq points out, making mistakes.

Yep. You have to put yourself out there and try to connect with people. Sometimes those connections will amount to nothing... sometimes great friendships and sometimes... something negative. I can safely say that the negatives are few and far between and that there is a lot of small talk that happens between putting yourself out there and finding friends.

I should also point out that most people learn this behaviour as kids. You are going through it now so it's a bit tougher because most of the people with whom you are interacting are already adept at their tools of interaction (think Tom Hanks in Big when he attends the Christmas party if that helps).

The most important thing, and I know this is probably hard for you, is to just let go. Chat with these people as you would chat with your students. Be the person you are here. Don't worry if you make a mistake. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn (make it a mantra).

What the worst thing that could happen? Someone will laugh? Most times they will think they are laughing with you because they will assume you know the social cue you just tripped over... brush it off and move on. Better yet, learn to laugh at yourself.

The way I learned to cope with my shyness was to do the following... sit back, gage the situation and then jump in with both feet (it's the same advice we give people who are new to Internet forums like the TFP).

Be yourself. Don't over analyze.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

ratbastid

Yeah, I read it that way. No worries.

You know, all these "rules" and "scripts" might seem like they keep you safe, but they're actually they're what keep you afraid. Like, if you know all the rules, understand the script and everything goes according to the rules and scripts, then you'll survive the interaction, and if not, you'll literally, physically die.

Maybe there ARE no rules or scripts for social interactions. Maybe there are fluid, mutable contexts, but inside that there ARE no limitations or fixed expectations for how people are to interact. Maybe interactions work best when people just dance with what's occurring in them.

Cynthetiq

Yes, as do women who flirt with me when they know that I'm married. I wear 2 rings one on each hand so it doesn't matter which culture European or American, you'll know I'm married or have at least deep suspicions. Again, so long as everyone is comfortable in their relationships, there's nothing wrong with it up until there's physical touching in private areas. According to Skogafoss, "Eating is still cheating."

The real answer is because it's harmless banter and discussion. If I was so uptight about "preserving my masculinity" then I'd be stiff and boring around such interesting and colorful people.

Earlier today I was with 2 gay men and a 1 lesbian, along with my wife. We had lots of repartee of gay discussions, and at one point Skogafoss exclaimed to the table, "See 4 of us here like men so you are outnumbered!" I quickly did the math and chuckled as one of the gay men returned from the loo, the lesbian filled him in that my wife had just outed me.

It's just about having harmless fun, that's the point of all social interaction isn't it? Or as you keep thinking that KGB has some ulterior motive is that what I should be on the lookout for? Of course not... I'm out to just have fun and enjoy myself in other people's company to broaden my own horizons and visions of the world.

How in the world could I do that if I just kept to the same recipe each and every single day?

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Gilda

To put things in focus, here's my original statement and your response:

I assume by this that you were thinking that it was only that they were straight, or even primarily that they were straight that bothered me. You did pick that out from among the other factors I listed. Was I wrong in reading it that way? If that's what you are thinking, I must not have been entirely clear.

I thought I had been clear in the original post that it was a combination of stress from all of the events in the party leading up to that part, AND that they were flirting, which all by itself is way off script and thus uncomfortable AND that they knew I'm gay, AND that they knew I'm married.

You picked out the fact that they were straight as the one most important factor. I can understand how you might have gotten that impression, so I clarified in my response that it was the combination of factors, and not any one factor. It wasn't just that the straight guys were flirting with me, it was a combination of that, that I was stressed from the events in the party leading up to that, that flirting is so far off script that it belongs in different scenario altogether, and that I'm married, thus flirting with me is implicitly questioning my loyalty to my wife.

I'd also like to clarify that I'd have had a similar reaction if one of the women had started flirting with me after I made it clear I wasn't interested.

The moment I said,"I'm married to the tall Japanese woman over there," any attempts to flirt with me should have ceased. There are a thousand other conversation topics that would be more appropriate at that point.

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. Hitting on someone who's married, especially with that person's spouse in the room, and in some cases, your own spouse in, just seems to be in poor taste to me.

What's more, it would be extremely inappropriate for me to flirt with them when I had no intent to follow up on that. I'm not going to be a cock tease. I do not want to get a bad reputation.

I don't understand Skogafoss's comment here.

Had it been "harmless banter and discussion" I'd have been fine. I've tried to make it clear that it was more than that.

Good for you. If that sounds sarcastic, please understand that it isn't intended that way. I'm glad you're relaxed around all sorts of people. I actually envy you in that, as I'm well aware that I am stiff and boring around most other people.

Also, let me point out that the fact that these were straight guys was only a small part of the problem; the main part of the problem was that they were hitting on me knowing that I'm married.

I don't know. That's what I'm trying to learn here. Isn't the point of most social interaction to exchange information?

I sincerely don't expect anyone to behave in their lives as I do in mine. I recognize that my way of dealing with things is often counter-productive in social situations. Have I said something that would imply otherwise?

And I don't think wondering what her motive is is the same thing as assuming she has an ulterior motive. The suggestion has been made that her motive was to be friendly and helpful, and I've said I accept that a couple of times.

I'm glad that you're able to interact with others in a way that fulfills you. If that sounds sarcastic, please understand it isn't meant that way. It's more like envy.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

So there's no easy way? Just painful trial and error? Dang.

I guess I'll just have to take your word for it. This seems counter to my experience.

As I recall, he really didn't care what anyone thought of him and didn't know the rules, and everyone thought he was strange because of that.

I can't talk to adults the way I would a seven year old. Look at my coversation up there. If I talked to an adult like did the girl up there in post #88, they'd think I was an idiot. Plus, the great thing about kids is that they don't judge. If you're funny and friendly and nice, they like you.

Ah people laughing at me. One of my least favorite things.

I see that that would be a good thing, but I have no idea how to do that.

The first sentence contradicts the second. Analyzing is being myself .

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

If there are no rules or scripts, how do I know what I'm supposed to do? What am I supposed to learn from interacting and making mistakes, if not the rules for how to interact without messing it up?

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

ratbastid

Let's not worry about that just now.

Instead, can you see that if there are no rules or scripts, you're totally free? That also means there are no consequences for "messing it up". You're free to color outside the lines--just like you did with that little girl you posted about. Can you see that, if you could stand there, you wouldn't need to worry about what you're "supposed to do"?

You should ONLY think about that if you're interested in not being stiff and boring with other people. The rules make you stiff and boring. The rules were made up by that mind of yours, the one that wants you staying at Point A, where it's nice and safe and comfortable, even though you're trapped and miserable a lot of the time. The rules ARE Point A, and that mind is NOT your friend.

This is worth noting: where you are is no fun, right? Yet it's way safer and more comfortable than shifting to anything else. AND it's perfectly all right to stay right where you are--nobody's going to make you change. Hell, nobody COULD ever make you change even if they wanted to.

Somewhere, there's a conscious choice waiting for you to make it. A choice to get out beyond how you know yourself and other people and the world, or to BE the introvert you are for yourself. A choice between giving up everything you think you know in exchange for what might be possible if you gave it up, OR staying exactly where you are, comfortable in the knowledge that you "are" shy, and accepting all the negative stuff that comes with that. In short, a choice between freedom and safety.

Either one is fine, once you choose it. All that's going on here is, either you haven't made that choice yet, or you have, and you're not telling the truth to yourself about it.

Gilda

Ok, so I need to interact, make mistakes, and learn the proper social cues from those mistakes. So let's look at the mistakes I made at the party, and see how I can avoid making the same mistakes in the future:

1. Mistake: We arrived at 6:00 for a party that starts at 6:00.
Analysis: This, more than anything else, seems bizarre to me. If you actually want your guests to show up at 6:30, why say 6:00?
[Grace answers: Because that's how it's done.]
Solution: Show up 30 minutes late, which is really on time

2. Mistake: I asked the maid to call me Gilda.
Analysis: This one's easy. Don't ask the servants to call me by my first name. They have their rules to follow, and even if I don't understand them and think they're stupid rules, they have no choice, so I'm doing them a favor by making things easy for them. I wasn't following the script by asking her to call me by my first name.
Solution: Let servants call me by my last name and title.

Side note: It was nice that she called Grace Mrs. Nakamura without hesitation or indication that it was the least bit unusual.

Side note 2: Part of my problem was that the Nakamuras' servants routinely call everyone in her family by the first name except for Mr. Nakamura, and they called me Miss [lastname] exactly once on our first visit, and after I said, "Call me Gilda" they did and seemed more comfortable doing so. The problem was that I was trying to transfer to a formal dinner party in a different subculture. Faulty reasoning on my part, all my fault.

3. Mistake: I asked for a soft drink at a formal dinner party. I then compounded the mistake by telling the maid that she didn't need to send out for some, making her further uncomfortable. People proceeded to make fun of me for walking around with Pepsi in a wine glass all evening long.
Analysis: Pure ignorance on my part, and probably a little bit of arrogance to assume that everyone keeps soft drinks around for a party.
Solution: In the future, I'll just ask for water, which should be a nice safe choice, and which will deprive the other guests of a convenient target for their jokes.

4. Mistake: I told them that I collect comic books, then elaborated on that.
Analysis: I could have walked into the party wearing my Supergirl outfit and not looked like so much of a nerd. Now normally I don't mind being thought of as a nerd, geek, dork, spaz, whatever term you want to use, because, well, I am. But I didn't have to go announcing it to these people, thus setting myself apart from them, showing them how I'm different when one of the goals was to fit in as much as possible. You wouldn't believe the number of times I had to say the same thing twice, as in, "Yes, I really do have nearly 15,000 comic books," or "Yes, they really do make hardback comic books."
Solution: Avoid the subject in the future.

5. Mistake: I introduced myself as "Gilda Nakamura".
Analysis: Half the guys I talked to asked right afterwards, "Is Dr. Nakamura your husband?' I don't get the obsession with using the Dr. title. To be fair, Dr. KGB did warn me about this, and I didn't listen, but it makes no sense. It's a job qualification, not an indicator of status. Grace doesn't ask people to call her Nurse Nakamura or Master Nakamura. After watching the guests I can kinda see what might lead to the assumption. The men tended to mostly be married, some to a woman about their own age, typically in their 40's or 50's, but with a significant number married to very attractive young women in their 20's. In fact, I'd guess I was the only woman in her 20's at the party who wasn't a spouse. Add to that that everyone seemed to assume I was five or six years younger than my actual age, and that according to Grace when she'd introduce herself she was assumed to be Dr. Nakamura until she corrected them, and it seems obvious that this was just a stupid mistake on my part. Dr. KGB was the only other female faculty member under 50 there; she wasn't exaggerating on that one. So maybe it was a fair assumption that I was simply a younger second wife of one of the professors.
Solution: Introduce myself as Dr. Nakamura. Don't try to understand it, just do it.

6. Mistake: I ate my plate of cucumber slices.
Analysis: This is what we do with a plate of cucumber slices at home. How was I supposed to know that they were there to "cleanse the palatte" in between courses?
Solution: Don't eat the cucumber slices.

7. Mistake: I didn't anticipate that guys would try to flirt with me at a dinner party.
Analysis: This still seems to me not to make sense. Why would someone flirt with a married stranger of the wrong orientation for them? I didn't see any of the guys flirting with each other, it makes no more sense to flirt with me after knowing I'm gay. Though puzzling, I don't really find that part offensive. Flirting with a married person I do find insulting, for reasons I've stated before.
[Sissy's analysis]: For God's sake Gilda, how could you not expect the guys to flirt with you? Half of them have probably never even met a lesbian before, and here you are, looking like that, and then you're saying, "I have regular sex with the Asian goddess over there, the one in the low cut black dress and fuck me heels, with the centerfold body which is just as spectacular as you'd imagine, and oh yeah, she's a nurse. Yeah, I know, that's not what you said, but that's what they heard, and that's what they were thinking. Hell, Gilda, some of those guys probably have Grace's poster hanging on their walls at home. if you're at the New Year's party, half the guys are going to be watching you and Grace at midnight instead of kissing their own dates. Telling them you're gay and married to that particular woman wasn't a deterrent, it was like throwing gasoline on a fire. [end Sissy's analysis]
In retrospect, perhaps I should have anticipated this.
Solution: I got nothing. Ignore it, maybe?

I'm tired. I'll see if I can think of more tomorrow. Alternate solutions or interpretations are welcome.

Gilda

edit: ratbastid, I just saw your latest post when I posted this. I'll think about and get back to you.

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Cynthetiq

I don't take your comments as sacarsm, as mine are just a differing point of view for you to glean what you can and make it your own. The point isn't to make you me or me you, but to help each other discover more about life.

actually me pointing out straight/gay as a factor really was not about your point of view but the recievers. Most straight people don't like to interact with gay people for the exact reasons you are stating about what "script" to be on. My example was to highlight how different that conversation was and how other men would have been uncomfortable by the company and then even more so by a comment like that. I'm sorry I was not more clear about that.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Charlatan

Grace is right. This *is* just how it is. Everyone does it so you just adjust accordingly. Nothing to overprocess.

No big deal. Not a mistake worth worrying about. Rather it's something to file away for later. Yes, they are stupid rules. I have problems with servants as well, I am much more likely to want to serve myself. This is one of those "when in Rome, do as the Romans" kind of rules. You were at a special event. Just go with it. This is not a hard and fast rule, as the Nakamura's servants show.


Mistake? Fah! If any mistake was made it was made by your host when they didn't anticipate their guest's needs. You don't drink and would have prefered a non-alcoholic beverage. A good host always keeps a selection of soft drinks handy. As for them making fun of your choice of beverage... fuck them. Seriously. This is where self-confidence is handy. The moment you don't care what they think is the moment it doesn't matter what you are drinking.

This is a choice you will have to make. You are who you are. If they react oddly to the fact that you collect comics, just shrug it off. You can either change the subject or toss it back... It is, after all, thanks in large part to this collection that you have the position at the University. Their ignorance at the importance of pop culture isn't your fault. It's their short coming not yours.

Stick with Gilda Nakamura. If they ask if you are the wife of Dr. Nakamura just reply no, "I am Dr. Nakamura". That would have cleared it up nicely. You look young, people are going to make this assumption. It's no big deal. Don't over analyze it. Eventually everyone will know who you are and it won't be such a big deal.

Ahh whatever. You are at fancy dinner party where the rules are stupid and no one who hasn't been raised or subjected to these things on an annual basis would know what to do... I don't like cucumbers so I would have had an uncleansed palate... big deal. Just move on and don't sweat the little things.

Sissy is right. You are cute. You are a lesbian. You are new. Harmless flirtation is how people frequently show interest. It's only when someone actully hits on you that you should be concerned. Remember, everyone else was also drinking. Alcohol loosens the tongue. They were just being playful. No need to be upset about it.

Let's put it this way... if you were to suddenly warm to the advance and become suggestive in the reverse... 9.5/10 times they would have chickened out. It is just another form of playful social interation. Nothing to be offended by... They are married, they know you are married and therefore it is a safe practice. If they really wanted to hit on you they wouldn't do it at that party where everyone could see. They would get you alone at school and ask you out.


As for your comment on Big... yes, the people did make fun of him but you missed the lesson of the film. He was just himself. He was like a breath of fresh air into that stultified milleu. Eventually he connected with a couple of people who while they still thought he was odd, appeciated him for who he was. AND he was the better man for it... (just forget the part where he becomes a boy again).

What I was trying to say is that, you don't have the years of built up lessons of social interaction that most of us have. Use this to your advantage. Treat this all like one big anthropological study and learn.

Most important... don't worry what other people think. This was and is still my biggest challenge. As a kid who was picked on for much of his young life I am constantly aware of other people and what they are thinking. I have struggled with it but have found that the best way over this is to just not care what they think.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Gilda

I grant you that if there are no rules or scripts, that would make me free and would mean no consequences. That's a really, really big if, though.

Even people like Sissy and Grace operate using basic scripts and do so within the basic rules of interaction. The difference is that they're able to deal with it when the interaction goes off script, and that's what I want to be able to do.

Well, first, stiff and boring is an easy one. That's just who I am, and I'm just fortunate that my family doesn't care that that's how I am and it doesn't detract from my job performance. I mean, it takes a boring person to write a paper called "Minority Representation Threshold Impact on Self-Conceptualization and the Metaphorical Other in Pictorial and Emergent Children's Literature" (my doctoral dissertation). And yes, the whole thing sounds like that. My students really don't seem to mind, which is probably because the subject matter is so interesting in and of itself that I don't have to be. I'm a good enough teacher that I don't have to be entertaining.

How do I differentiate between the rules of society and the rules I've imposed on myself from within? I know, that seems a simple, obvious question. Grace and Sissy do it without thinking, most people probably do.

Isn't there some in-between area? I mean, a place where I can stay in my safe place at home and at work and in my classroom, and when I'm out with Grace, but where I have access to the tools to deal with an unexpected situation or a situation that requires more assertiveness, or a conversation that goes off the rails?

I mean, I was watching Grace at the party--everyone watches Grace at a party, it's like there's a spotlight following her around--and I could see that she was enjoying herself, and that the other people were enjoying her, and I want to be able to do that. Not the part where everyone is watching me, good grief I don't want that, but I want to be able to enjoy myself at a party, or know when it's time to get up and leave the restaurant and not get upset because I wasn't served, or be able to ask where the vitamins are without being embarrassed about it.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert