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#1 (permalink) |
Crazy
Location: Just got into town about an hour ago.
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The story of my life
So I've never really talked about my life in detail with anyone. I've never expressed the emotions involved and have mostly internalized the whole thing. I wrote a brief version of all the things that have happened and would like to share it. This seems like the right place for it, if not please move it or delete it if neccisary.
----------------------------------------- My mother had two children already when she met my father, thier names are Jennifer and Nicole, my twin older sisters. My father was raised in a Jewish family and had wanted to be a professional golfer but was working in a grocery store when he met my mother. They came together to start a new life with each other, to work, live and raise a family. He started a job a baking company doing deliveries in the early morning untill late afternoon. They bought a 3 bedroom house in a middle class section of town and started having children. First my older brother, Jason, was born when my older sisters were 7 years old and I was born a year later, 4 years after that my younger sister, Teresa was born. These early years the 7 of us seemed to be living what could be called a normal american life. I have memories of vacations, outdoor cookouts, visits to relatives including 4 grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. As a child during these years I can only assume that I was like all other children, I enjoyed playing outdoor sports and building tree forts, there were video games and cartoons on saturday mornings. I don't recall ever feeling any great connection to either of my parents even though they were present, my big sisters weren't of any great interest to me but I knew they cared for us. The people of significance to me at this time were my brother and best friend Lenny who lived two houses away. We would go on biking adventures and play many of the games that children our age play, but Lenny was a reckless child and what people would call a bad influence. We broke windows and lit things on fire, we teased animals and stole, these activities were only experiments and I had no strong interest of my own in them but, Lenny was bigger and more daring and so I followed. I had my own moments to shine, my brother had gotten a tape recorder one christmas and we used it to make tapes of ourselves doing mock action news reports, telling adventure stories, recording prank phone calls, and imitating the hip hop records we listened to. There were no younger girls for my little sister to play with and so she would follow us around, but she was the bottom of the power chain and would end up crying about things we did many times. Christmas time was a good time, us kids would spend christmas eve night sleeping in the older sisters room with the door closed so we wouldn't notice mom and dad bringing the gigantic stacks of presents up from the basement to be unvieled the next morning. It was a glorious sight. Mom and dad started fighting when I was about 6 or 7, the phone got ripped from the wall and the bedroom door was locked, there were sounds of screaming and knocking, I asked Jennifer if mom and dad would get a divorce but I don't recall her answer. My father called me into the living room the afternoon before he left, I sat on his lap and he said "No matter what happens I will always be your father and you will always be my son" During the night he woke me up and said he was leaving and could I go with him if I wanted to, I stayed. It didn't matter much to me anyway, he wasn't really there in the first place, I came home after learning a new song at school about a fire engine that saved the day and sung it to him at the top of my lungs, he said "thats great" but never stopped watching the golf match on TV, I walked away and he sat there. I showed my mother the straight A's on my report card but she said to leave the room because she was busy. When we were caught misbehaving we got some attention in the form of my fathers leather belt, I'm not sure how often this happened and I really don't remember this hurting very much, the only memory I have of this is Lenny teasing us about it afterwards. I once stole 50$ from my sister and wouldn't admit it, my mother made me put my hand on a bible and swear it wasn't me or else I would burn in hell, I confessed. It was around this time I found out she was an alcoholic and had been for some time. Jen and Nicole were graduating from high school and would be going to live with thier father in Cape cop, he was quite wealthy. The day after the graduation I heard a slam come from the basement and went down there to find my mother lying on the ground convulsing and unresponsive, I went to get help, I said to my sisters "moms on the ground and she won't get up" We were instructed to stay in our room and I sat under my bed praying to God for the first time "please don't let my mother die". John had come to keep us company, he was my sisters boyfriend at the time and the closest thing to a father figure we had. She survived and we lived with her in the house, myself, my brother and younger sister, Jen and Nicole left for college. My mother was still drinking and the three of us were hardly cared for, she blamed us for many of things that happened and were happening, she said things like "you are a rotten child why don't you go find somewhere else to live" I imagined going to live in the red house up the road, I didn't know those people but thought it could be a nice change. We went to school in dirty cloths and without combing our hair, I was teased about this among other things, I was the smallest and youngest in the class. Seeing as she was drinking instead of working there was no way to pay the mortgage. I played sick one morning to stay home from school when Teresa came into my bedroom and said "Get up were moving" I thought this was ridiculous but it turned out to be true. An 18 wheeler pulled up and the men started putting out things in boxes, they said we could take whatever we could carry but the police said we had to leave. This was the last time I remember crying, I stood on the front porch soaked in tears, I packed the nintendo and my drawing pad and went to stay with Lenny's family for a few days not knowing where we would go next. First we stayed at the Motel 8 but got kicked out for not paying the bill, mom said it was because I spilled soda on the sheets. Then we went to the howard johnson's, it was independance day and mom was past out on the bed with the drunk smell on her breath, we dug through the garbage to find empty cans which we redeemed at the store up the street for a nickel a piece and proceeded to have our own celebration. On our last day at that hotel we were driving into the parking lot and my mother side swiped a passing car, she panicked and left the scene with us screaming to stop and go back. She drove to the liqour store and got a bottle, we drove for a half hour or so before the police found us. The people decided to let us go because of our pathetic situation and we went to another hotel, the Naugatuck motor lodge. This was one of those sleezey motels with the door to the rooms facing outside, the kind of place a rough neck would go with a girl he just met, I watched my mother leave with strange men several times, it's possible this was to help pay the bills. My father would show up occasionally and when we saw his car we ran and hid, the things our mother said about him made us afraid of him. We stayed in this place for almost a year, by the last few months we were alone in the room, mom would come during the day while we were at school to clean and leave food. The police showed up one night and took us away. We were put in a foster home for about 3 days untill we went to live with John's family. They took good care of us and we had a great time playing with the kids in the nieghborhood, I made alot of friends here. After 6 months we had to leave, John said they wanted us to stay but could do nothing to keep us and so Teresa went to live in a foster home by herself, Jason and I went to stay in another. I was 12 when I went to live with the King family, Michael and Sandra were a middle aged Italian couple with a son also named Michael who was a year younger than I was. They called me "mikey" and I called them Uncle Mike and Aunt Sandra, I didn't like them much but wanted to feel like it was something normal. At school I was ashamed to talk about my situation and hated that there wasn't a thing about me that could be normal. Miriam was the prettiest girl in the school and would tell me constantly how cute I was and would hang on my shoulder saying she wanted to take my eyes out of my head and eat them. I had no idea what to do about this and no one to talk to about it but was still too young to think of anything anyway, I knew I was a dork and she was acting this way because she knew nothing would come of it and no one even considered it possible that it really meant anything. I had dreams about girls before, about living on a desert island where lifes neccessities didn't exist and kissing was a substitute for eating. Soon after I started High school and she was gone, puberty had begun and I knew which girls I liked and what I wanted to do with them. But the way a person looks changes during this time and I found out soon enough that I wouldn't have any chance to do anything. I would tease the girls I liked and it only took one of them calling me ugly before I gave up on that. Living at the Kings house was a grim situation. I wasn't allowed to do anything without permission, including taking a shower, getting something to eat, going to sleep, going outside, friends were not allowed. These people took care of us for money and so we had no choice but to not act out in anyway. The slightest sign of disent would lead to being reprimanded about our behaviour and there was nothing we could do, there was nowhere else to go, they could throw us out of their home whenever they chose and they let us know it. We would spend the weekends visiting with our sisters or our mother. Sometime during the middle of our stay here our father started to come around again. Much time had past since the things that happened when we were younger and this almost felt normal. He started making a plan about the 3 of us going to live with him and it seemed for a moment that I might have a normal life after all. It was too late, the three of us were completely shut off from him as well as the world and he left us again. Around this time was when I started having anxiety attacks. During an english class I had gotten up to read a book report out loud for the class when it came. The burning in my stomach and sweating and uncontrollable shaking, I could see the faces watching me with confusion. I threw the paper on the teachers desk and sat down, I acted as if it didn't happen and so did they. I didn't know then what an anxiety attack was but knew only that I wanted to get away from it and so I figured if I just avoided this particular situation I wouldn't have to tell anyone about it. The symptoms got worse, saying anything outloud in front of the class would lead to the shaking and sweating and so I had to avoid it at all costs, this ruined any chance of an academic career. After graduating high school we were old enough to be on our own and so myself and my brother left as soon as we could. We got jobs at local grocery stores which we walked to from our apartment which was located in a particularly hostile neighborhood in town. The place got broken into a couple of times and I had been threatened several times. Eventually we got enough money to buy a car and things weren't as bad. I met Roxann at the place I worked and she became my first girlfriend. This was something new for both of us and although we were both shy about it things went along well enough. She lived with her mother and father and they were very strict about the things she could do. She wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend and so I mostly saw her at work or when she could sneak over, eventually we lost our virginity to each other, I was 18 and she was 17. No one in my family knew anything about this. I had started classes at the local community college. I had the idea that I could pursue something in engineering. In high school I had taken drafting classes when the technology for doing this on computers was in its early stages. I was a natural at it and was able to figure out much of it on my own, more than the teachers knew about it, no one had any experience with it and they came to me with problems they couldn't solve. When I got to college I lost all interest in it and dropped all my tech. classes for art classes. I dropped all of these within the first semester too when a friend, Dan, introduced me to online gaming. We spent all of our time playing Ultima Online for about a year and half, aside from work and sleep there was nothing else happening. I lived in an alternate universe where I wasn't ugly or timid and was equal to all the 'people' around me. The anxiety was with me all this time but was easy to ignore untill it started to show up at my job, which I left to avoid the feelings. I got another position in one of the backrooms, away from everyone, where I could work quietly and mostly alone. I knew I had to leave this online fantasy world when I started becoming afraid of going out to public places. Dan also became tired of his situation with the games and so we started going to some local hang outs. We started getting together with some of kids that lived in our town and we became something I hadn't been a part of for sometime, a group of friends. There was Sean, Scott, Nick, Fitz, Dan and myself. I felt fairly comfortable around these people and we spent most of our freetime together hanging out anywhere we could. Roxann had gotten out on her own by now and we could be together anytime, but I lost interest in her and let her go. One night while I was working the guys went out and met a few younger girls, one of them quickly became Scott's girlfriend, her name was Elizabeth. They stayed together for about a month when it seemed things wouldn't work and I became the focus of her attention. I never approached girls but she knew exactly how to get to me. She was aggresive and unafraid when it came to sex and relationships, she started doing these things when she was 12 years old. She desperately wanted to feel the effects of love to escape her depression, she told me about her horrible dreams of people dying and about the cuts she used to inflict on herself to relieve her pain. She would ask me if I thought she was a slut, and I said no, I didn't see what she did as a bad thing. I wanted to be kind to her and wanted her to not feel this way, so I avoided sleeping with her and focused on learning about each other. No one ever thought of me the way she did, it was the first time in my life I ever felt loved and so I would do anything for her. I stayed with her even when she cheated on me and left me feeling worthless. I tryed desperately to control her, to find someway for the two of us to live in peace so we could love each other forever. She left for college after 9 months of us being together. While here she did things which would leave me in a state of horror, this person I loved so much getting it on with anyone and everyone, drinking profusely and blacking out for hours. All the while I would drive from state to state to see her and I thought we were only taking a break from each other and had no doubt that in the end we would find ourselves together. By end of her first semester, she had dropped out of all her classes and spent all of her time locked in her dormroom. She came home for a month between semesters and things were the same as before she left. Before she went back she told me about the things she had done, things I had only suspisions of and could never get over. I told her I hated her and that being with her is the worse thing I could do. She drank a bottle of whiskey and put a razor in her wrists, she didn't want die so much as she wanted to blame me for her trying. This was the end of us. I needed to find a way to redeem myself and so I decided I would do what she did, sleep with any girl that was willing. Jackie was Sean's ex-girlfriend, as soon as I met her I could tell that she was different in ways that I was different, it seemed she could be everyones friend and so it was easy for me to be around her, I slept with her and told Sean about it, this ended my friendship with Sean. I ended my friendship with Scott in a similar fashion by sleeping with the girl he had been with for over a year, we would try to become friends again but this wouldn't work. I had started school to become a graphic designer but soon gave up, I also ended my friendship with Dan without giving reason, I wanted to destroy everything. Around this time I first picked up a guitar and playing came naturally, after a few minutes of holding it in my hands I declared with absolute certainty that I would be the greatest guitar player ever. I wanted it to be my redemption, my escape from all the failures of my life, a world I could create and no one else could touch. Music had been a cure for me in many bad times and I believed that I could seize this power I had felt from others and make it my own. I started listening to all different kinds of music, I read books of poetry and philosophy and was on a hunt for the truth about life. I had the greatest of dreams, visions of beauty and euphoria, I could see the stars revolving around me and the world I once lived in was at my feet. I would sit in a cold sweat unable to move or think and all the words I have to understand the world would disappear in a cloud of smoke, I would try to endure this knowing there isn't much to lose until the evil spirt from all the great poems comes to tell me I will burn in hell for what I'm doing and I snap back into my normal routine. Jackie was my only friend during this time, I knew she understood alot of things, she'd been down deep and came back up, she knew how to live. She left town and didn't need me as much anymore so I was on my own again. I've been sitting around for over a year now dreaming and not acting. I only seem to do things when I'm not trying, as soon as I set a goal I'm discouraged by the slighest transgression or if somehow the goal is reached I find it wasn't what I wanted in the first place. A part of me still believes in the music and is waiting for that miracle, when the last becomes first and the first becomes last, and another part of me knows all I have are dreams and will wind up with what I've really been striving for all along, nothing. I'm running out of money and options, I don't want to get a job or talk to anyone, I try to be strong about it and force myself to get along like I have done for all these years but I keep asking "what for?" and come up with no answer but the fire is still burning. Thank you for reading ![]()
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Dropping a barbell he points to the sky and says "The suns not yellow, It's chicken!" Last edited by wicked4182; 10-04-2005 at 12:19 PM.. Reason: paragraphs |
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#4 (permalink) |
Psycho
Location: NC
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I read it & I'm glad I did. (paragraphs would help though).
twisted, as i see it- You've been through a lot, have been dealt a lot of shitty cards, and been around some really shitty people. But, you've also described several great talents, as well as some hope for the future, which is more than a lot of people have. You really need to hang around some quality people though, it would change your opinion a wee bit. Luck and love, mr sticky
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The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury ![]() |
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#5 (permalink) |
Wehret Den Anfängen!
Location: Ontario, Canada
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Edit: Deleted all content. This post was simply a paragraphized version of the original post, and the original author has done his own paragraphs.
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Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest. Last edited by Yakk; 10-05-2005 at 08:12 AM.. Reason: Obsolete. Delete please. |
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#6 (permalink) |
Junkie
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I don't really know what to say since I'm not in your situation, but I hope things work out for you. Just try and find some good friends who will push you and encourage you. Don't give up on yourself. You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it, but nothing good is ever easy. You have to work for what you want.
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http://how-to-spell-ridiculous.com/ |
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#9 (permalink) |
Location: Iceland
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Yeah, I just wanted to add that I'm not sure how to be most helpful in response, which is why I inquired about how the TFP community can best serve your needs. I really respect your story and also respect you for having the courage to tell it. Let us know how we can support you on your path...
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And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran |
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#10 (permalink) |
Crazy
Location: Just got into town about an hour ago.
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Just writing this and having others read it is enough for me. Perhaps others will share their story too.
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Dropping a barbell he points to the sky and says "The suns not yellow, It's chicken!" |
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#11 (permalink) |
Tilted Cat Head
Administrator
Location: Manhattan, NY
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seems more like a journal entry than anything else...
there are a few other threads that do try to accomplish this without all the paragraphs and verbiage. while you have been through alot, there's lots to be said for not allowing yourself to use that as an excuse to throw your fist in the air and blame the fates or "the man" for keeping you down. keep your chin up and move onward and upward.
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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. |
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#12 (permalink) | |
Banned
Location: Massachusetts, USA
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Quote:
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#13 (permalink) |
Banned
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A very well-told chain of events. The meaningless is cast as such, given no more consideration than it should, and the important items have relevant and substantive focus. You really talk as though you know where you've been, how you got here, and that those things simply happened. Too many people want to blame the past for the present.
Part of what may have given you the happiness in the music was the difference in your life... where you'd just gone through a period of destruction, music is a medium of pure creation. Finally, after tearing down everything that meant anything to you, you had this instrument (pun intended) of creation to rebuild the whole world, as you see it. I can completely sympathize with the anxiety issues, i've battled them myself for as long as my memory reaches back. I think the number one thing I would say after reading the unabashedly honest story of your life is this: There are good people in this world, and good things. Make friends with some of those good people, and go after those good things. For you, good might be wealth, it might just be love, or maybe it's being happy with who you are, whatever that might be, and knowign that there really is no "normal" mold. While your situation is certainly not common, it is the uniqueness of the lives of each person that enriches us all. You seem to have a very solid head on your shoulders, let it lead you to better happiness. - analog. |
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#14 (permalink) | |
Crazy
Location: Just got into town about an hour ago.
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Quote:
Thanks for the advise everyone, I am doing what I can.
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Dropping a barbell he points to the sky and says "The suns not yellow, It's chicken!" |
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#16 (permalink) |
A boy and his dog
Location: EU!
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Thanks for the post! It was a avery interesting read, almost like a novel. Seems you had a sad start into life, but you haven't broken down - you must be a strong guy. I guess I have two things to ay - first up, writing really does seem like something you're good at. Think about it. The second thing... I hope it will make you feel better. Try thinking about all the posotive things that your parents represented. I'm sure you'll find some. There's an extremely high chance that you got these things inside you. Just work up on them. You've come a long way and I'm sure you'll manage.
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#17 (permalink) |
Upright
Location: UK
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I'm with Denim and Schwan - I enjoyed reading your post. I was particularly impressed with your ability to relate events so clearly and in such detail - without editorializing or adding undo emotion. The absence of emotion on your part made your story seem all the more powerful in its simplicity..
I guess I'd say if you can survive all that - you can pretty much do anything - and that's not even taking into account the talents you've developed in music and your obvious writing ability. Good luck... |
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life, story |
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