Need some lifestyle/love advice. (22yo male)
 

First off, hun, if you happen to stumble across this, please respect my privacy and treat this as you would a diary of mine...
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The only reason I'm posting here is because I've thought this through back and fourth endless times while in different moods and still can't make a decision. The only thing I have done to resolve it is "give it time" and I'm not sure if I'm ok with that right now. I'm in need of some outside, unbiased advice.

Let me get some facts straight first.

-22 year old male
-attending a great little private school in san diego
-been in many relationships. most have been long term but I don't have trouble with fun flings.
-been with current girlfriend for two years
-broke up with my last gfriend of two years to be with this one (so four years unsingle...)

I basically have two things going on. I'd call them problems but they aren't really, just things that I wouldn't notice normally but I've been in past relationships and I'm now aware they're happening.

For starters, I'm very into my girlfriend, and I'm experiencing the common "I love this person but should I be experiencing other things?" question. I live a somewhat specific lifestyle being an artist/introvert and she adapts to this very well. We share the same humor (we're usually found laughing together...), same taste in film, she loves who I am as a person, she comforts me, I encourage her and her developing acting/modeling, she's very welcoming to my fetish sexual desires, the list goes on. She really does feel like a dream girl. I could easily see myself spending a long time with this girl. Sometimes I catch myself thinking I'm older than I really am though. I enjoy staying in on weekend evenings but usually get pulled out by my great party friends. I'm wondering if this natural desire to settle down is something I should fight even though it's so...natural...

So here's where the problem comes from. In my past, I've tended to not break up with girlfriends until something better came along (this has only happened a few times...) I live alone right now and while I'm enjoying life in the somewhat slow lane, I'm afraid that at this rate time will just casually pass on by and I'll wind up marrying this girl. As I said before, I'm not against that, but I'm growing more and more aware of the time passing by and I'm wondering if I should do something about it. The tempting thing here is that "doing something about it" would be extremely easy as I'm currently studying at a college with about a 60/40 girl to guy ratio... I don't have many desires to do so as I'd just be out looking for a girl like the one I have, but am I missing out on something? A new lifestyle is in very close grasp, and I'm not really feeling the pull towards it, but should I hop on the boat or are these selfish thoughts? I'm feeling this whole "I wish we could separate and get back together in a year without things being different" emotion but that doesn't seem rational ;)

That's basically the main sum of mixed ideas I have as far as love life goes. The ones regarding lifestyle aren't as important, but they kind of go hand in hand with the prior. I'm living alone right now in a studio. I've got a best friend in the area and my girlfriend. I've got a few people I've met here and there over the past year but all in all my computer is my best friend. Like before, a new lifestyle is very close in reach and while I think that change is always good, it's still scary. I'm considering moving on campus to be in closer reach to meeting new people, but I could also move in with a friend closer to school, join a frat, and go a more grown-up route. I guess I don't really have a question about this, but like I said, these will definitely affect my current relationship with my girlfriend as well as the potential of meeting new girls..

I really appreciate if you've made it this far. I know my thoughts are unorganized and conflicting, I guess maybe I'm looking for some personal ideas on priorities, responsibilities, past experiences, etc. I could make a decision on my own but I hate regrets and the last thing I'd want is to lose this girl from a selfish mistake. Thanks again for any thoughts guys.

-T

There comes a point in life.....(dont know if you are there or not) where the "Need" to taste all the flowers becomes something of a waste of time, and the rose in the yard can be appreciated for the beauty it really has.Much can be learned and many things found when we start to actually pay attention....in a Real way , to what we already have.

Of course....when I was 22 I was layin' on my back in a field of wildflowers sneezing at all the pollen in the air....heh.

I think there are tons of guys and probably girls to out there that think about how there are a lot of other people they haven't met. That these people might be more fun or whatnot. Even though I am pretty young(20), I feel that when you feel like you would rather be with the person your with than risk messing it up over "seeing" whats out there, then thats a good sign to just chill and be with your gf. While some of my friends tell me that I should go and see the other fish in the sea, I'm happy where I'm at so I dont bother with it. My first gf, I realized I wanted to see what was out there more than stay, so i did just that and I know I made the right decision to not try and hope things get better. So if your willing to maybe and probably lose what you have now to try a new lifestyle, gooduck to ya. If not, goodluck to ya also.

Everyone's different. Let me share my situation.

At 17 I met my first girlfriend. By 19 I went through the same questions you're going through: "I love this person but I'm only 19! Shouldn't I be getting busy about now? But I love this person." It tore me apart because I felt that in order to be honest with myself I should experience other people, but it took talking to my guidance counselor about it to see the light. The answer to the problem was a question: Wouldn't I always feel like I had to find out what was around the corner? No matter how many girls I'd been with?

In the end logic won and I saw that the need to sow the oats is a cycle that would always be closing in on itself. I never broke up with that girlfriend and we've been together from the beginning. We're getting on to 10 years together soon.

Heh. You think that goes away when you get older?

Look, I still have those thoughts. Stuff like, "Gee, I really love lurkette and our life together is amazing--and we've been together 14 years today--but I'm only 31 years old! There's all this stuff and all these people out there to explore! Shouldn't I be out sowing my wild oats before it's too late? What the hell am I doing here?"

Then I look around at all my single-and-dating friends and realize just how very good I've got it, and before I know it I've got my head pulled out of my ass and I'm ready to go on with my life.

In other words, these thoughts are normal, but they're just thoughts. They don't mean anything.

I met my wife-to-be at 18, both freshmen in college. I went through the same thoughts at 19. These are very very common thoughts. I thought about all the other women that I knew, whether they were available to me or not. I couldn't think of anyone who even came close to meeting all the criteria that she fulfilled. We have been together almost 18 years now.

Of course, I am a "sufficer", not a "maximizer" (see the excellent book The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less). My wife is at least a 9.5 on my 10 scale. It is possible that there is someone out there would redefine what a 10 is on my scale. It sounds like your girlfriend "suffices" you quite well.

I met my husband at 18, he was 19. When we graduated from college, I had a torrent of those thoughts as well - in fact, we broke up briefly as a result. Then, as ratbastid says, I pulled my head out of my ass and realized that so what if I could meet other interesting men? Fact is, I'm a people person, other people are always going to appear interesting, at least initially. But I love Quadro. He's my best friend, and the best booty, I've ever had (and I sampled many dishes, trust me.) I stopped worrying about "what if I'm too young" and started paying attention to the fact that I was happy 90% of the time (high percentage at 21!!). We're married now - Oct will be 1 year - and January will be 9 years altogether.

A note on the lifestyle thing - that's something Quadro always questioned as well, the being happy being a homebody most of the time. You know what? There's nothing wrong with it, if it makes you happy. It's one thing if it's pathological - you can't deal with going outside etc. - but if you're happy staying in, stay in. The party scene isn't necessarily the only way to enjoy life.

Good luck.

I have the one true example of how to work this right.


Just kidding. My recommendation is as much bullshit as Dr. Laura's. The one thing I can offer is that in every relationship I've been in, they fell into two categories; Right.. and Right Now. It's an old cliche, but it's true. In college when you HAD to be dating somebody to get invited to parties and appear sociable, I dated girls I knew I would NEVER be with for more than a few months. After college, that eventually stopped. Why bother? Work didn't have those kinds of parties. So I basically waited until I found the person I knew was the right one, and it was, if not love at first sight, then it was heart jump in my throat the first time she spoke to me.

Married at age 33, four years ago this Thursday (we're getting an oversize chair for our anniversary-all your domestication are belong to us).

Once again, Ratbastid (and everyone else who has replied) speaks the truth. The most important question is: are you happy, right now? If so (it sounds like it), then let those little nagging questions just run through your head, do their seductive dance, and then run right out the other side. You don't have to give in to them.

"Shouldn't I..." kind of questions are dead-ends, unless you truly are not happy with your current situation. The grass is usually not much greener, and you might as well enjoy what you have. Count yourself lucky... it really isn't much fun being single just for the sake of being single.

I think you're forgetting how much it sucks to "just be single." Once you've been together, that suckiness kinda fades into nostalgia. Its really not that fun.. all the missed opportunities and miscommunication, and all the complications of having to "re-train" yourself to new people's habits.

So -- yea.. are you happy now? Don't let the nostalgia of what you could have cloud the possible future with what you do have..

This is what my ex did to me. He felt that he needed to get out there and get more play because we are only 21. I assume he felt he was missing out on all the incredibly hot girls with big boobs that were going to be falling all over him. But now, he realized he isn't quite the stud he thought he was. Girls are not falling all over him. He isn't getting sex thrown at him. We were madly in love and I was the best girlfriend he had ever had, but because he wanted to have sex with more girls, he lost that all.

You're not ..uhh.. my ex girlfriend.. right?

I did that to my first girlfriend... :(

Let me tell you, it all comes down to one thing: can you be the person you want to be with the person you're interested in? Will he or she help you, encourage you, and even join with you when appropriate. And can you do the same for her?

If the answer is yes, your "comfortable" situation has the potential for more long-term potential and growth and satisfaction than any random selection of ass you could possibly come across.

My opinion, having been through such things before, and current being single? Only time will tell. My conception of the feelings you are describing suggest to me that it could be the "is grass greener" thing going on, or it could be the beginning of the end. It's tough to say.

So why worry about it? Follow the advice above. You're not ready to make the decision yet, and I think we make a lot of mistakes trying to make decisions today that we really can't / won't be ready to make until tomorrow.

As for the lifestyle question: separate it out. You live alone now. If you want to meet more people, maybe moving closer to campus is a good idea...and maybe it kills two birds with one stone. Maybe you find that having more people around to interact with, and not spending as much of your free time with your girlfriend decreases any SO-saturation you're experiencing. But moving closer to campus, and breaking the relationship aren't the same thing.

-Ever- all I can tell you is that I believe most everyone has the feelings you describe; especially in the teens/twenties. This is a path you will have to choose for yourself, but bear in mind that from the sound of it, you have a good match at the moment, and most of those "what-ifs" will come up far short, unless you've omitted some critical issues w/ your current g/f. All I will say here is don't view all the other women you see and think "what-if" thru rose-colored glasses.

Wow, I'm very impressed with your guy's remarks. I mean really...

I think expected a lot of back and fourth, oxymoronic, ambiguous answers, but it sounds like I explained myself well and that, paired with the intelligence found on this board, made for much better replies. It nice to hear from people with such similar stories, and to hear that they're still holding sucessful and true through the years. I know everyone has their own story and I'm only yet to read about people regretting staying in a relationship, but it sounds like my own really does have potential to remain special. Thanks a ton for reminding me that. :hug:

Think I'll look into moving into a better sociable scene/area, play things out, and just go with the flow from there.

Thanks again, take care all
-T

If you want to meet more people, maybe moving closer to campus is a good idea...and maybe it kills two birds with one stone. Maybe you find that having more people around to interact with, and not spending as much of your free time with your girlfriend decreases any SO-saturation you're experiencing. But moving closer to campus, and breaking the relationship aren't the same thing.

Pollen.. yeah.

*cough*hippy*cough*

Seconding ratbastid and all the smart people, because it makes me sound smart too.

If you love her and you're happy, where's the issue? The problem I've always had with the 'something better' approach is that you don't really know if it's better or not until it's too late. And then.. well, it's too late. The grass aint as green as it looks, dude.

And yeah, it's more romantic to think otherwise but romanticism and reality rarely intersect. I have those thoughts, ratbastid has those thoughts. Your minister/mum/professor/doctor? They have those thoughts too. It's not the thoughts in your head that determine your character, it's which ones you act on.