How do I tell my father that I need to get the fark outta here? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

CityOfAngels · 08-06-2005, 12:04 AM

As many of you know, I'm 20 years old and am living with my father. I've been living with him since high school; ever since I did whatever I could to get my mother to kick me out of her apartment. I considered my dad to be the lesser of two evils, and he was, but even the lesser of two evils can overwhelm given time. I even work with him, which makes is a lot worse. I've been "planning but not actually planning" on leaving for years, now. I realized that one big thing that is keeping me here is HIM. Knowing that I could devastate him by leaving really puts a damper on my motivation. But it's time. I need to go. I'm tired of feeling like I have to put up with shit every single day of my life. I'm even paying all of our rent and bills, and I was wrong to think that would change things.

Anyways, it's time to tell him. I just want to do it the right way. He has a temper, and he acts out of spite. He is not a realist, and rarely thinks logically. I hope that gives you an idea of how sensitive a matter this is. I've written a rough draft of a letter to him, but I want your guys'/gals' input. ANY input, for or against my views, grammatical corrections, ANYTHING; I would greatly appreciate. Here's my rough draft (edited for privacy):

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rough Draft

Dad,

I don’t know how to begin. I guess I’ll start by saying I love you. You’re my father, you’ve always been there for me, and I hope to God that you’ll be around for many more years to come. But it comes a time when I have to say, “enough.” I can’t live with you anymore. I hope that you see my decision not as me leaving you, but as me choosing to live a better life; and I hope that you can support me in this decision.
You’ve been a huge part of my life. I remember when you and mom got a divorce, and your only concern was whether or not you’d be able to see (my brother) and I when it was all over. I remember you sending us $20 bills when we were living in (town we used to live in) just so (my brother) and I didn’t have to be the poor kids around town; even when you needed that money a lot more than we did. I remember you coming to my defense when my mom tried to force (mom's ex-husband) on (my brother) and I as our stepfather, and I remember you defended us when my mom would hit us. And even now, I’m 20 years old, and you’re still making sure that I have a place to live, food in my stomach, and a job so I can be at least somewhat self-reliant.
Times have changed. I know you love me, and I am fully confident that you would give me the shirt off of your back if I was ever in need, but I have become overwhelmed. You and I both have a temper. When two people with their own, unique, blatant tempers live together, they will clash. And we do clash; over and over and over and over again. Ever since I started living with you, it has become more and more consistent. Now, it is almost every day. I can’t live like this anymore. This is not how I saw myself living as a 20 year-old when I was in high school.
I’m not writing this to blame you. You and I are at our own faults for many things. But rather I am writing this to you because I want to be open and honest with you. You’re my father; I love you. I don’t want to secretly plan to leave and then one day just up and move, leaving you bewildered as to what just happened. I am also writing this to you to show you how important it is and how much it would mean to me if you could fully support me on this decision. I want better for myself, and I know you do, too.
I don’t have everything planned yet. I’m still at the drawing board. But you need to know that I intend to get my own apartment, or live with a non-relative roommate, as soon as possible. Financially, it is impossible for me to move right now. But do know that that’s not the only reason why I have stayed here. I have stayed here also because I know how important it is to you to have your sons around. I know you enjoy my company, and I know you don’t want me to leave. But for my own sake, I have to move on. I have to be able to live my own life without any obstructions.
Please understand. Every day that I am still here, I see my life slipping away. I want to live my life; not spend it leeching off of you or anyone else. I want to go home and actually feel like I’m at home. I want to be able to feel like I can invite my friends over without my father bursting in the living room in a fit of rage. I want to be able to feel like I can bring a female over, and possibly get laid, and not have my father pounding on the bedroom door, demanding to be let in. As much of a blessing you have been, living with you has become a burden that I am not willing to carry anymore.
I love you, dad. We need to talk about this; not yell, and not put it on the back-burner. This is extremely important to me. -(Me)

maleficent · 08-06-2005, 06:04 AM

You are 20 years old... Where is it written that you have to give reasons for wanting to move out of the house? It's not like you are planning on moving clear across the country, you will probably still be able to see him, and it might improve your relationship.

The paragraph about the friends and the female, I'd leave off... if those are your only reasons for wanting to move, those are the wrong reasons and the use of the word burden, to a man who's been supporting you when he doesn't have to, is really not the picture of maturity you are trying to present.. Talk about independence, and wanting to get out on your own.

Ask your father to help you put togehter a plan so that you can move out on your own and become a man that he'd be proud of.

CityOfAngels · 08-06-2005, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

You are 20 years old... Where is it written that you have to give reasons for wanting to move out of the house? It's not like you are planning on moving clear across the country, you will probably still be able to see him, and it might improve your relationship.

The paragraph about the friends and the female, I'd leave off... if those are your only reasons for wanting to move, those are the wrong reasons and the use of the word burden, to a man who's been supporting you when he doesn't have to, is really not the picture of maturity you are trying to present.. Talk about independence, and wanting to get out on your own.

Ask your father to help you put togehter a plan so that you can move out on your own and become a man that he'd be proud of.

It's not "written" that you have to give reasons, but my dad is a very lonely man. He has very few friends due to his temper and his "my way or the highway" attitude. I remember talking to a friend of mine about this, and how I was going on a tangent of how he tries to use my life as a piece of his own. She pointed out to me that I probably am his whole life. He has pretty much given up on having a personal purpose in life. Is that my problem? No. But do I care? Yes.

I know moving out would improve my relationship with him. It improved my relationship with my mother greatly. She and I were like oil and water when we lived together. As soon as I moved out, I was her best friend all of a sudden. As for those reasons, they are not my only reasons for wanting to move, but personal privacy does play a HUGE issue. Not that my dad doesn't have a right to, but he is ALWAYS home. I figure instead of complain about something that won't change, I just leave. Another HUGE issue is his control issues. If he feels he's not in control of those around him, he explodes. His friends are actually afraid of him because they know he can blow up at any second. This leads to incidents last night, when he yells at my friends for no logical reason, but to express his demand for control. I don't deserve that, and my guests don't deserve that. I treat his guests with the utmost respect. I pay the rent and bills, so the least he could do is return that notion.

As for me, I've always been a rebel. I always questioned authority, even when I was in elementary school. I guess my views on parenting have always been different than those of my parents. My personal opinion is children should grow up in an environment that consists of love, understanding, communication, and when needed, discipline. My mother was always the "My mother treated me this way so I'm going to do the same to you!" type of parent, while my dad... he's just a lonely guy who sees himself not in control of those closest to him anymore. His wife left him 16 years ago because of his control issues; my brother moved out before he turned 18 because of his control issues, and me being the rebel, I'm always fighting back. I was the one who never gave in to his or anyone else's control issues. Most of his friends have left him, so he's probably wondering what the heck happpened. The thing is if you try to tell him, he doesn't want to admit that he's not in control, and he'll take offense to anything you say.

It's a very delicate situation. When I was a teenager, I dreamed of moving away and not communicating with my parents at all for the rest of my life. I've since changed my mind. They're not my enemies. But that doesn't change the fact that I just can't live with either of them any more. I just don't want to burn bridges. And it would be nice if my father supported me in this decision, as he doesn't support me in anything else I decide to do (another control thing).

noodle · 08-06-2005, 11:42 AM

Sometimes it's as simple as "Dad, I love you and I'll see you later" as the act of moving actually begins. When you get into the deep details after a letter like that, you often open the door for bargaining. And it becomes even more painful as the other person can begin to feel some hope that you'll stay. Those issues can be rehashed after the move has taken place. It's hard and I wish you luck.

CityOfAngels · 08-06-2005, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fredweena

Sometimes it's as simple as "Dad, I love you and I'll see you later" as the act of moving actually begins. When you get into the deep details after a letter like that, you often open the door for bargaining. And it becomes even more painful as the other person can begin to feel some hope that you'll stay. Those issues can be rehashed after the move has taken place. It's hard and I wish you luck.

I didn't think of it that way. I really don't want him to think that this is something to bargain over. I've made up my mind. Thanks!

cyrnel · 08-06-2005, 02:15 PM

Yep, just a good talk. I'd bail on the note completely, or at least get rid of the "you" and blaming. That can be a good tool for yourself but not letters. Leave things open for positive growth. Pointing fingers, however much it seems necessary at the time, does not help.

Don't rule out that your dad has been in a holding pattern with his own stuff because you're a comfort zone. (doesn't necessarily mean roses) You could also be helping him by leaving even if it means a temporary downturn. Like fredweena said, just a good "I gotta go" talk. He's expecting it.

If he's having issues with neglecting healthcare or bills it's not a bad idea to contact family friends or organizations who can help check in. Maybe churches (I know, don't get me started). Even neighbors who've been stable. Not a "take him to a home" thing, but that you're leaving so they can make the connection.

Good luck man. Do your part of keeping it positive so you're there for each other later.

la petite moi · 08-07-2005, 07:39 AM

I think writing a letter is the easy way out, and like others have implied, a very passive way of "talking" to your dad. I just moved out of my parents' house recently, too. My parents are both very controlling people, and VERY "frugal" so they thought it was ludicrous that I would move out and "waste" money in a different city (four hours away) to be on my own. I'm also "just a kid"- turned 19 in April. Everytime I would bring it up in conversation (like you've been doing- without REAL plans, etc), they'd blow me off.

My dad has a temper too. My mom is overly critical of everything I do. My dad is also a very lonely guy because he works all the time, and has no real "friends" outside of work. My mom likes to leave him while she goes on long vacations to the mountains or out of the country. I couldn't deal with my home life, so finally, I told my mom- "I applied at another college in another town. I'm going to be moving to that town this summer, and working/living with nwlinkvxd." Now, I didn't think her reaction would be bad- it wasn't. But I was worried about my dad, because he always likes doing stuff with me, and is generally the protective dad type. I put off telling him, all the while making plans, and one day the topic was heading in that direction, and the time seemed right, so I just slipped in that "yeah I'm going to be moving to [town name] this summer." He looked at me sadly, but didn't protest. Just asked why I would want to spend money on a place when my parents' house was just fine.

I would say, make a plan. Get your resources together. Put your back into work, save up as much as you can, research everything you'll need to have/do once you're on your own...and then talk to him face-to-face.

And really, you don't need to go into all this detail with him. Bringing up the past with him may just bring back bad memories (referring to the stepdad thing and coming to the rescue bit). You are 2 years over 18, and by the time you get everything together, you'll probably be 21. That is a legal adult +3 years! Even if it seems he won't understand you moving out, he probably will. He's your dad, and even if you don't say it all the time, he knows you love him. And once you move out, your relationship might even strengthen.

bobillydylan · 08-07-2005, 08:48 AM

I would just say you want to make a go of life on your own, and you have come to an age where you think the time is right for you to stand on your own two feet. I wouldnt go into detail of why you want to move out as this will upset him. sounds like you have made up your mind to go! so just go...theres nothing stopping you!!

meembo · 08-07-2005, 06:08 PM

keep it simple. just begin moving -- see what is said -- think about it, and react like a grownup. Welcome to the rest of your life! Your father will live. You can then decide just how far away. maybe he is more likely to enjoy the extra space than you anticipate.

flobadon · 08-15-2005, 01:55 PM

My sister just moved out (she is 19) to go to college 50 miles away. To make a long story short, my dad was very unhappy about it, and expressed it in ways that didn't accurately portray what he was feeling. I think the bottom line is that you're ready to move on, and there's no way to make it easy on your dad. You may cause him a little stress for a while, but if he loves you he will not excommunicate you for wanting to move on to bigger and better things. You're 20 -- it isn't like you are running away from home, and he has no reason to think that you are.

I definitely sympathize with you, since I cannot argue with my dad because he is always right. Disagreeing with him will only lead to trouble if you pursue it far enough. Sometimes it pisses me off so bad that my dad is so closed minded.

Hope it all works out when you decide to move out.

Nancy · 08-18-2005, 07:13 AM

Normally I always advice people to talk face to face when it comes to delicate matters but in this particular case I actually think it's better to leave your father a note at first. If his temper really is that bad then hopefully he will have calmed down by the time you're gonna talk to him in person about all this.

It makes me happy to hear that you've decided to leave, that you're strong enough to stand up for yourself and say no.
The letter itself is very well-written and content-wise I have nothing to add really as he's your father and you know best what's best to say to him in order to make him understand about your decision. The only thing that came to mind when I read your letter was that perhaps you should change the word "burden" to "emotional burden"?

astrahl · 08-18-2005, 07:27 AM

Why the big production? Just look for a place - find one and say, hey dad, I found this great place that I'm really excited about! Present it as an opportunity, not like a bridgeburner.

I think the letter makes this thing WAY more cataclysmic than it should be.

Lasereth · 08-18-2005, 08:44 PM

Uhh, you have to move out sometime. Just bring it up casually. Ditch the note...that's cheesy as hell and makes it sound like you're a client instead of a son. An overwhelming majority of people move out of their parents house by the time they're 25...why should you be different? Find a place, tell your dad you've finally found a place of your own, and go. If he gets pissed and flares his temper, simply ask if you're supposed to live there forever...he probably won't have a comeback to that.

-Lasereth

Marvelous Marv · 08-26-2005, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lasereth

Uhh, you have to move out sometime. Just bring it up casually. Ditch the note...that's cheesy as hell and makes it sound like you're a client instead of a son. An overwhelming majority of people move out of their parents house by the time they're 25...why should you be different? Find a place, tell your dad you've finally found a place of your own, and go. If he gets pissed and flares his temper, simply ask if you're supposed to live there forever...he probably won't have a comeback to that.

-Lasereth

Agreed. Give him a little notice, and get out. That's what kids are SUPPOSED to do.

And then he can pay his own rent and bills. I really can't respect a father who makes his kid pay the rent for both of them, unless he's disabled.

odu_sonar_AE · 08-26-2005, 10:16 AM

Personally, I wouldn't go with the note. Although it may say everything you want to say, I feel it is better to talk this out face to face. Tell him that it's just a natural process of maturity that you need move out on you own.

I love my family very much. Everyone in my family has a stubborn streak to them, and I seem to clash the most with my mother. We would constantly get one each other's nerves. Although she was sad to see me leave, our relationship has grown so much more since I moved out on my own. The space we have apart tends to mellow out the stubborness, and petty fighting that happened before.

vautrain · 08-26-2005, 10:24 AM

Heck, if you're paying the rent and the bills, I'd almost suggest telling him that *he* needs to find his own place. But, that's just spiteful.

I'd wait to broach the subject until you actually have a place lined up. Wait until you actually take possession, that way, if he flies off the handle and tries to throw you out of the house, you have some place to go. He might be hurt that he wasn't included earlier, but it sounds like that's how it has to be.

I'd also dispense with the note. Face to face, and don't go any deeper than you need to go. Just say that you decided it was time to find a place of your own, and you are moving out next week...

08-06-2005, 06:04 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	You are 20 years old... Where is it written that you have to give reasons for wanting to move out of the house? It's not like you are planning on moving clear across the country, you will probably still be able to see him, and it might improve your relationship. The paragraph about the friends and the female, I'd leave off... if those are your only reasons for wanting to move, those are the wrong reasons and the use of the word burden, to a man who's been supporting you when he doesn't have to, is really not the picture of maturity you are trying to present.. Talk about independence, and wanting to get out on your own. Ask your father to help you put togehter a plan so that you can move out on your own and become a man that he'd be proud of. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

08-06-2005, 02:15 PM	#6 (permalink)
cyrnel Adequate Location: In my angry-dome.	Yep, just a good talk. I'd bail on the note completely, or at least get rid of the "you" and blaming. That can be a good tool for yourself but not letters. Leave things open for positive growth. Pointing fingers, however much it seems necessary at the time, does not help. Don't rule out that your dad has been in a holding pattern with his own stuff because you're a comfort zone. (doesn't necessarily mean roses) You could also be helping him by leaving even if it means a temporary downturn. Like fredweena said, just a good "I gotta go" talk. He's expecting it. If he's having issues with neglecting healthcare or bills it's not a bad idea to contact family friends or organizations who can help check in. Maybe churches (I know, don't get me started). Even neighbors who've been stable. Not a "take him to a home" thing, but that you're leaving so they can make the connection. Good luck man. Do your part of keeping it positive so you're there for each other later. __________________ There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

08-07-2005, 07:39 AM	#7 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	I think writing a letter is the easy way out, and like others have implied, a very passive way of "talking" to your dad. I just moved out of my parents' house recently, too. My parents are both very controlling people, and VERY "frugal" so they thought it was ludicrous that I would move out and "waste" money in a different city (four hours away) to be on my own. I'm also "just a kid"- turned 19 in April. Everytime I would bring it up in conversation (like you've been doing- without REAL plans, etc), they'd blow me off. My dad has a temper too. My mom is overly critical of everything I do. My dad is also a very lonely guy because he works all the time, and has no real "friends" outside of work. My mom likes to leave him while she goes on long vacations to the mountains or out of the country. I couldn't deal with my home life, so finally, I told my mom- "I applied at another college in another town. I'm going to be moving to that town this summer, and working/living with nwlinkvxd." Now, I didn't think her reaction would be bad- it wasn't. But I was worried about my dad, because he always likes doing stuff with me, and is generally the protective dad type. I put off telling him, all the while making plans, and one day the topic was heading in that direction, and the time seemed right, so I just slipped in that "yeah I'm going to be moving to [town name] this summer." He looked at me sadly, but didn't protest. Just asked why I would want to spend money on a place when my parents' house was just fine. I would say, make a plan. Get your resources together. Put your back into work, save up as much as you can, research everything you'll need to have/do once you're on your own...and then talk to him face-to-face. And really, you don't need to go into all this detail with him. Bringing up the past with him may just bring back bad memories (referring to the stepdad thing and coming to the rescue bit). You are 2 years over 18, and by the time you get everything together, you'll probably be 21. That is a legal adult +3 years! Even if it seems he won't understand you moving out, he probably will. He's your dad, and even if you don't say it all the time, he knows you love him. And once you move out, your relationship might even strengthen. Last edited by la petite moi; 08-07-2005 at 07:50 AM..

08-07-2005, 08:48 AM	#8 (permalink)
bobillydylan Tilted Location: uk	I would just say you want to make a go of life on your own, and you have come to an age where you think the time is right for you to stand on your own two feet. I wouldnt go into detail of why you want to move out as this will upset him. sounds like you have made up your mind to go! so just go...theres nothing stopping you!! __________________ Yes and only if my own true love was waiting, And i could hear her heart a softly pounding, Yes and only if she was lying by me! Then i would lie in my bed once again.

08-07-2005, 06:08 PM	#9 (permalink)
meembo Junkie Location: Connecticut	keep it simple. just begin moving -- see what is said -- think about it, and react like a grownup. Welcome to the rest of your life! Your father will live. You can then decide just how far away. maybe he is more likely to enjoy the extra space than you anticipate. __________________ less I say, smarter I am

08-15-2005, 01:55 PM	#10 (permalink)
flobadon Upright Location: Davenport, Iowa	My sister just moved out (she is 19) to go to college 50 miles away. To make a long story short, my dad was very unhappy about it, and expressed it in ways that didn't accurately portray what he was feeling. I think the bottom line is that you're ready to move on, and there's no way to make it easy on your dad. You may cause him a little stress for a while, but if he loves you he will not excommunicate you for wanting to move on to bigger and better things. You're 20 -- it isn't like you are running away from home, and he has no reason to think that you are. I definitely sympathize with you, since I cannot argue with my dad because he is always right. Disagreeing with him will only lead to trouble if you pursue it far enough. Sometimes it pisses me off so bad that my dad is so closed minded. Hope it all works out when you decide to move out.

08-18-2005, 07:13 AM	#11 (permalink)
Nancy Femme Fatale Location: Elysium	Normally I always advice people to talk face to face when it comes to delicate matters but in this particular case I actually think it's better to leave your father a note at first. If his temper really is that bad then hopefully he will have calmed down by the time you're gonna talk to him in person about all this. It makes me happy to hear that you've decided to leave, that you're strong enough to stand up for yourself and say no. The letter itself is very well-written and content-wise I have nothing to add really as he's your father and you know best what's best to say to him in order to make him understand about your decision. The only thing that came to mind when I read your letter was that perhaps you should change the word "burden" to "emotional burden"? __________________ I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. Last edited by Nancy; 08-18-2005 at 07:22 AM..

08-18-2005, 07:27 AM	#12 (permalink)
astrahl Insane Location: You don't want to live here	Why the big production? Just look for a place - find one and say, hey dad, I found this great place that I'm really excited about! Present it as an opportunity, not like a bridgeburner. I think the letter makes this thing WAY more cataclysmic than it should be. __________________ Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed. Maybe Maybe... ~a-Ha

08-18-2005, 08:44 PM	#13 (permalink)
Lasereth Knight of the Old Republic Location: Winston-Salem, NC	Uhh, you have to move out sometime. Just bring it up casually. Ditch the note...that's cheesy as hell and makes it sound like you're a client instead of a son. An overwhelming majority of people move out of their parents house by the time they're 25...why should you be different? Find a place, tell your dad you've finally found a place of your own, and go. If he gets pissed and flares his temper, simply ask if you're supposed to live there forever...he probably won't have a comeback to that. -Lasereth __________________ "A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

08-26-2005, 10:16 AM	#15 (permalink)
odu_sonar_AE Tilted	Personally, I wouldn't go with the note. Although it may say everything you want to say, I feel it is better to talk this out face to face. Tell him that it's just a natural process of maturity that you need move out on you own. I love my family very much. Everyone in my family has a stubborn streak to them, and I seem to clash the most with my mother. We would constantly get one each other's nerves. Although she was sad to see me leave, our relationship has grown so much more since I moved out on my own. The space we have apart tends to mellow out the stubborness, and petty fighting that happened before.

08-26-2005, 10:24 AM	#16 (permalink)
vautrain Crazy	Heck, if you're paying the rent and the bills, I'd almost suggest telling him that he needs to find his own place. But, that's just spiteful. I'd wait to broach the subject until you actually have a place lined up. Wait until you actually take possession, that way, if he flies off the handle and tries to throw you out of the house, you have some place to go. He might be hurt that he wasn't included earlier, but it sounds like that's how it has to be. I'd also dispense with the note. Face to face, and don't go any deeper than you need to go. Just say that you decided it was time to find a place of your own, and you are moving out next week...