1337haxor

Hey,
I'm not sure how to handle this or even if I should even get involved any more then I am now.

Background: I'm 20, my sister is 15 and in a ska band, my mom doesn't speak any english, my dad hasn't been home for 3 years and my mom is the only who speaks with him

Okay, so my sister is always out with her friends. My mom doesn't have a problem with that and lets her out all the time with her friends or band. Now the problem is, she gets really snappy when my mom asks where she's going. Sometimes she will tell her and sometimes she will just go. She also comes home really late and never calls to tell my mom shes coming home late and never calls to say where she is. My mom tries calling and my sister ignores the phone calls. When she does come home in the middle of the night, my mom gets angry asking why she didn't pick up the phone, etc. My sister just starts getting snappy again and says she didn't feel like it, its none of her business, etc. My mom threatens to not let her out and she just starts bitching how she's controlling and never lets her do anything.

Now, I've met some of her friends and most of them seem okay. I knew some of them when I was still in high school. Now, some of her other friends (mainly her band I think) seem a lil shady. They were over one day and I didn't think much of it, but some of my friends were over and they were like "those are your sister's stoner friends?". I'm like "stoner friends?". They basically told me that they looked just like the type that be all into drugs and stuff. I thought about it for abit and the way they acted, dressed, etc reminded me a lot of a group I sort of quasi knew in high school and I definately knew they were big pot / drug users.

My sister is also always in her room with the door closed. I usually knock before entering and she's usually chatting online like crazy or doing something with her music notes. I don't have her IMs monitored, and I probably won't since I wouldn't like someone snooping on my IM while home. As a source of money, my sister just has money saved up from gifts and stuff so she usually doesn't hit my mom up for money. However, her cell phone is paid for by my mom and her computer and internet privileages are controlled by me.

I've tried talking to my sister in a sort of joking manner to gauge her responses to stuff like weed. I asked her something about her emo band and she freaks out and starts yelling at me that its not emo and its ska and how I didn't know the difference because im a nerd. Now she's always calling me a nerd and I don't care since I take it as a compliment . Anyways, I made a generalization about that whole group (I know its not true but I was testing her). I said "oh they are all the same, nothing but pot smoking hippies". Then I said how pot is just a way for losers who cant handle life themselves try to escape or run away. All of a sudden she gets majorly pissed of and storms out of the room.

My mom probably is too ignorant to know anything about weed. For all she knows, its an herb that is used as a medicine back in China. So I tried to explain to her its like any other illegal drug like cocaine, etc. I guess my mom just doesn't know how to handle something like drugs. I've never done drugs (never had the need or desire) and my two brothers the same.

So the coming come home and never answering or calling thing is really pissing my mom off and she's going to cancel her cell phone since she never uses it to call home anyways. I also volunteered to shut off her internet access til she behaves. I've tried talking to my sister before, but she just yells at me how its none of my business and ignores me. I've also tried convincing her to pick up another hobby besides her band (which seems to never go anywhere or do anything except hang out).

How should I handle this? I really don't care if shes out all night, smoking pot, gang banging her band, or whatever. At least she should let someone know where she is, when she's coming home and she is smart and responsible with what she does. I could care less if I disconnect her internet or not, its as simple as <config t int fa0/12 shut>

Thanks
1337haxor

Sage

Your sister is being a teenager and doesn't have any limits imposed on her- she is most likely involved in all sorts of things that you and your mother would keel over dead if you heard (based on what you said). It sounds like she needs a good swift kick in the butt, hard, to get her back in line- if your mother won't do it you should think about doing it yourself. She needs a good, firm talking to about her behavior, and a trip to the doctor pronto- check for STD's, get on birth control, etc etc. Without a father, and with a mother who (sounds like) doesn't understand the American culture, your sister seems to be acting like a loose cannon. If you care for her, help her through her teen years- chances are, she'll thank you for it later.

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Charlatan

Could be drugs... could be just plain old teenage rebellion.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
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maleficent

In reading what you've written, it honestly doesn't sound any different that how I acted when I was at that impossible age of 15. I have never touched a drug in my life, but some of my friends were stoners, because they were fun people -guilt by association doesnt make them guilty. if my "nerdy" brother called my friends losers, I'd be pretty pissed too. I don't think I came out of my room more than 4 or 5 times during my 15th and 16th years, I wasn't doing anything bad in there, except avoiding my family.

When I did come out, I'd hear about my 'loser' friends, and why I didn't act like my 'perfect' sister. Why I had so much attitude.. blah blah blah... No one ever bothered to talk to me, they made assumptions and yelled based on those assumptions.

She might be doing drugs, she might just be a pretty normal angsty, misunderstood teenager.

You are her brother, not her parent or her keeper. Conspire with her-- and don't yell, be the person she could come to if she needs it. Suggest to her nicely that mom would get off her back if she just had the courtesy to call when she was going to be late...

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jwoody

If you really must know what your sister does in her spare time, you'll need to work on your relationship with her... be someone she can trust.

MSD

Your sister is sexualy active and trying to hide it.

ngdawg

I agree with Mal. I stayed in my room from 14 unitl I moved out at 18, unless I was out hanging with a friend or two. My best friend was a big time stoner-speed, weed, hash, whatever, but I never did any of it.
One thing we DID have was a curfew and heaven help you if you came in late-I was once tracked down by my dad, in his car, finding me talking to some guy in his van-I was leaning into the passenger window. Nothing gets you home on time like a parent pulling up, yelling GET IN THE CAR NOW while you're talking to the cutest senior in school......your mom needs to develop a stronger spine. You need to not lecture, it's not your place.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Suave

Of course it COULD be drugs, but it doesn't sound like it to me. She's 15, and she certainly seems to be acting her age. Not to mention your probing of her isn't going to help matters. When you made the "bunch of... pot smoking hippies... etc." comment, she was probably more pissed off that you were generalizing about her social group than your having brought up drugs.

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"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

la petite moi

You know, weed isn't going to kill your sister. It is not like cocaine, in the sense that it won't get you addicted, and it won't cause such mind fuckery. That's what I have to say first.

About staying in her room- I did that from age 14 to age 18 unless I was out with my friends. I didn't want to socialise with my mom and dad at all. I'm surprised that you didn't do the same as a teen.

I must say, you are acting like her parent. Sometimes you just have to let go- she is your little sister, not your daughter. Yes, your mom doesn't speak English and your dad isn't around...but that doesn't mean she is your responsibility. Plain and simple, lay off her! You aren't her dad!

(I speak from an understanding perspective though- if you look at a couple threads that I've posted about my sister, you will see that I used to be in your shoes, in a way.)

snowy

I have to second everyone who's said--you are her BROTHER, not her PARENT. Her behavior isn't your responsibility. If you're concerned, talk to your PARENT about it so that they can do their job, because it's NOT YOURS. Trying to parent your sister is just going to piss her off, and your relationship with her is already sounding pretty fragile.

You need to stop thinking of your sister as a kid and start thinking of her as a peer. She is 15 and fully capable of making her own decisions and paying the consequences for her actions. While they may not be the best ones, or the ones that you yourself would make, the only thing you can do is offer your support, your ear, and try to be understanding if and when your sister decides to open up to you.

Attempting to interfere in a 15-year-old's life is just going to piss her off more. In her mind, she's already "grown up." Being there for her if/when she falls is far more important than trying to control her--we all have to make our own mistakes and learn from them. Like LPM said, weed isn't going to kill her, and a lot of us spent huge amounts of time in our rooms when we were 15. I had my mother ask me when I was 13 whether or not I was doing drugs because I spent so much time in my room. Instead I was forced to reveal that--gasp!--I was writing fanfiction. It's more than likely that whatever your sister is up to in her room--it's harmless.

Let your mom decide how to punish her/enforce the rules. Don't get involved. Don't offer to disconnect her internet. Don't snoop. Doing these things will just ruin her relationship with you.

Now, you say you "don't care" what your sister is up to, yet by your interference one thing immediately becomes obvious--you do care. But realize you are not her father. You are her brother. You have the ability to become her peer and become someone she talks to. Do that. Be cool. It may be hard to do, but it's what you need to do--otherwise you're going to end up with a sister who dislikes you.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

la petite moi

I have to agree with snowyowl- BE THERE FOR HER! I used to be a bit like you when it came to my sister. I always told my mom what my sister was up to, I "bossed" her around a bit, I lectured her on the importance of not getting drunk to not wearing heels too much.

When I finally was getting ready to move out, I started to chill out a bit. I realised that it was my PARENTS' responsibility, and not mine, to dole out punishment in THEIR home and under THEIR rules. So I told my sister, "Hey, I know I don't seem very trustworthy, and I'm just your bossy big sister...but I want you to know that I'm here for you." She was very skeptical for awhile, but finally after a few phone calls once I was away, she has opened up to me. She tells me things I never knew, and I give her advice on how to deal with it.

So try it- one day, try walking into her room, and saying "I've been the Enforcer, but now I just want to be the friend and big brother. If you need help or advice, I'm always here, sis."

Cross-Over

A few people have mentioned that he should act less like a parent and more like a brother. I disagree.

It seems like he has tried to talk to her, and isn't acting like a full-blown parent. He knocks before entering, and he didn't just hastily shut down her computer privileges as punishment. It appears that they have different interests, so it may be hard for them to develop a good sibling relationship; I don't think any of us know for sure.

If his mother is having problems disciplining her as an only parent, and she is acting disobedient and disrespectful despite relying on him and his mother for certain privileges, then I support his actions and thought process of trying to ascertain exactly what is going on in her life to make her act this way. I can imagine it would be easier on his mother if his sister communicated a little more. He has good intentions.

As for whether she is using drugs, I agree with the general sentiment. She may or may not be, it is tough to tell from the information you provided.

la petite moi

Cross-over, most PARENTS knock before entering rooms, and typically have control (limited or all) over computer/internet privileges. The fact that he even controls anything in her life shows that he is taking a "parenting" role, which is not his duty.

Obviously he has good intentions. He doesn't want his sister getting into things, and getting hurt. But he needs to step back, and help his sister as a BROTHER. As I'm sure most know, as a teen, it seems really hard to communicate with the "all-knowing" parents. If your brother acts all-knowing and like a parent, you can bet his sister is not going to open up to him and tell him what's wrong/ask for advice/tell him her problems.

cj2112

Tell that to one of my closest friends parents who was murdered by another one of my closesst friends over a eighth ounce of green bud back when we were all 18 or 19.

As far as whether or not she's on drugs, it's hard to say from the info you have. Like everyne else said it could be normal teen rebellion, or it could be something more. Mal's life experience says it may not be, while my life experience says it likely is. (I was on the opposite end of the spectrum and doing quite a bit of everything I could get my hands on). So our opinions about whether or not she's out gettin loaded really are just that, opinions. However the advice about strengthening your relationship with your sister is spot on. Whether or not she's doing dope, she is at an age where she NEEDS somebody who she cantalk to, trust and allow to be close to her. She will find this person one way or another. Would you rather it be you, or somebody who may steer her in the wrong direction?

la petite moi

Wow, I'm really sorry, cj. My point was not that weed itself will kill her like cocaine itself easily can. Most of my friends and copartners do weed, and it makes us all really chill.

Cross-Over

It didn't seem like he was asking for advice on how to get her to open up/ask whats wrong/ask for advice/tell him her problems. He said it himself; he doesn't give a shit if she is out all night smoking pot or doing whatever. From the thread title and from his description, it is a lack of respect that a minor has in a parental household (one where the only parent has little control) that is the problem. Don't get me wrong, I slacked in school and hung out with an "unfavorable" crowd in my early teenage years, while my older brother was an excellent student on the straight and narrow. He often came down hard on me, despite me having two parents who were capable themselves. I did resent his actions at the time, but his actions also kept me from doing shit I shouldn't have because I knew I had a more observant and knowledgeable eye watching me.

Supple Cow

You don't have to be her dad. You don't have to deal with anything she does that isn't directly affecting you. You can do something about this pretty quickly if you just say something to her directly about what IS affecting you, but you have to be clear and honest about it - no mincing words or hinting or "testing" her with generalizations. If you seek the answers by disrespecting her that way, you have no reason to expect respectful or honest answers. You are older and it's your job to lead by example. (That still doesn't make you her dad.)

From what I understand, she needs to be told that (1) any stupid decisions she makes are hers alone to deal with; (2) you are not trying to stop her from doing what she wants, but trying to make sure that what she does isn't going to negatively impact your family; and (3) behaving like a disrespectful little shit and leaving your parent in the dark about her whereabouts is negatively impacting your family. The bottom line is that she's a minor and your mom is legally responsible for her. So far, it sounds like that's the only thing she has managed to turn into your problem because it's making you sit here and wonder if you need to take away privileges.

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"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
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pinkie

And teenage rebellion is limitless when no structure or boundaries are initiated.

Chuckles

Probably just being a teenager. And your her brother, not father. Try to just be cool and find out the real deal. If its just weed, no biggie. I"ll be honest, I also love the chronic <3. I dont consider myself a loser, I was recruited for swimming at a D1 school over here at one of the UC's and still keep decent grades. I dont touch other drugs though, those are bad for you. I"d suggest reading up on marijuana a little more, try erowid.org . great information for every type of drug.

TM875

Let me reiterate what most of the above posters have stated: get closer to her. Hang out, talk about music or how much your parents suck or anything at all. Share a doobie with her Only once you understand her will you understand where the problem, if there's a problem at all, lies.

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"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

meembo

If you are concerned with her immediate safety, talk to your mother about it, and let her be the parent. Otherwise, just be a brother -- your sister will never look to you as a parent, anyway.

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Suave

I believe the quote "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" fits quite nicely here. If he tries to interfere too much, she will become estranged from him and possibly completely separated from the rest of the family.

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato