Jinn

I often have this problem, and it has of course resurfaced in my current relationship with my girlfriend. Often, I'll be doing something completely innocent, but circumstances make it seem sketchy...

Last night, I was at home, minding my own business and playing video games, when I got a phone call. It was Robyn! Robyn is a old friend who I "had a thing for" for a solid year. Life interceded and I decided she wasn't and would never be worth my time. A year later, I met my current girlfriend and we've enjoyed 5 months (thus far) of mutual bliss. She wanted me to come hang out with her and her friends at their new house. Surely enough I wanted to get some social interaction, because it'd been awhile. I agreed and made my way down towards their house. About 5 minutes before arriving, I got a call on my cell phone.. it was my aforementioned special lady.

Now what?

I really felt little guilt about going to Robyn's house, as my girlfriend has met her and knows about my long-past crush, as well as our relationship boundaries. She's a mildly jealous SO, but the last time I went to Robyn's.. I brought her along and she gave me what appeared to be a "seal of approval." That said, Robyn's party was relatively exclusive and I wasn't sure if my SO was invited on this current occasion. I'm presented with a few choices:

1) Don't answer the call.
Having just passed the fifth month of our relationship, I'd hardly consider blatantly ignoring a call from her. She's not a hit-and-run and I certainly love talking to her. The advantage, here, however.. is that I she doesn't have to know where I've gone. The disadvantage, however, is that I want her to know; I'd hate for her to find out LATER and think something shady occured.

2) Answer the call, but don't tell her I'm going to Robyn's.
This option is probably the worst, as it seems to provide solid evidence if she realizes later that I've gone to Robyn's and I didn't tell her. Again, I want her to know *now* so that she doesn't think I'd break our boundaries.

3) Answer the call, and tell her I'm going to Robyn's.
This is the solution I inevitably arrived at. I want her to know where I'm going, I want to talk to her, and she's calling me. Answer the damn phone, Jinn! The problem herein is that now she knows I'm going to Robyn's, and the opus is on me to invite her.

I don't want to tell her that I'm going to a party and not invite her, because that is a sucky feeling. Similarly, I would like to hang out with my friends by myself, as well. However, I want her to know where I'm going so that it doesn't cause undue worry. But by telling her, I've just caused the first problem to happen!!

To further clarify, I love emotional20 and I couldn't even imagine breaking our boundaries -- I want her be informed about my whereabouts, but I'd like to be alone. I'd like her to know where I'm going, without feeling bad for not bringing her along.

What would you do in this situation? It feels like there is a simpler answer...

(P.S. I'm stopping by her house later to talk about this, but I wondered what TFPer's approach would have been...)

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joemc91

I don't think there is really anything you could do beyond telling her. The fact that you did and aren't trying to hide the fact should be enough for her to trust you on it. You could try explaining that you're not interested in this girl anymore as more than a friend, but the decision is her's on whether she trusts you or not. Maybe you could talk to Robyn and ask if your girlfriend can come over.

TM875

Gee, don't you think she might be overreacting just a tad?

You got invited to a party. There was no explicit invitation for your lady. You have two logical courses for the future:

A) Go to party, bring along girlfriend. Granted, she wasn't invited, but it's pretty widely accepted that, if one person in invited, the SO has the unmentioned invite, too.
B) If you want to fly solo, simply tell girlfriend that this probably wouldn't be a party that she'd want to go to, and that you would be saving her from hours of boredom. Or worse, you could always tell her the truth. "You know I love going places and hanging out with you, but I just need some alone time with my friends tonight. If anything, it will just make me appreciate seeing you even more next time"

My curiosity here, though, is why would this even be an issue? In past relationships, if I or the girl were going to a party or hanging out with friends, it was not a hard-feelings thing if the other wasn't invited, too. Sometimes I went out with my friends while she stayed home, sometimes she went out while I relaxed. I loved being with her, but there is always a time when we needed to be alone (especially if the friends aren't mutual - I like to go out, smoke, drink, critique music, play poker....she liked to go and shop or be with other bitchy females and complain on how hard life is. Sorry...let's get back to topic).

Anyhoo, hopefully your girlfriend won't freak out over you wanting some personal space. You sound like an intelligent, and certainly caring, person, and she should know you well enough by now to not misinterpret your actions and wants. Moreover, if she is concerned with your happiness (as a good SO should be), then she should encourage you to go out, have a good time, and then have dinner with her tomorrow. Hopefully.

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"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

comp.sci

Man, the only possible solution for things like these is to tell her and, as stupid as it may sound, ask if it's ok with her _before_ you go. If you're serious about your SO, taking her opinion into consideration is the right way to go.

Please keep in mind that this only applies if things between the two of you are really, really serious.

eMOTIONal20

TM875 hasn't seen overreacting.

I'm glad we settled this. Not telling me at all would have been the worst. I never expect to be invited to every single thing you go to. I like that you have your friends to hang out with and I have mine. I have the most amazing SO, and with you jealousy is not worth my time because guess what? *deep breath* I TRUST YOU.

There. I said it. Go me.

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Minx

Good for you eMOTIONal!

I was going to say take door number three but I see it all worked out as it should!

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thingstodo

Glad to hear this all worked out.

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