NotMVH

My name is Michael van Hardenberg. These are the experinces in my life when I felt humiliated:

The only two women who I really pursued rejected me on the basis of who I am.

I pissed myself when I was robbed at gunpoint on my job.

The first time I made out with a girl she stood up and decalared "Oh my god, you don't know how to kiss."

I have turned down two women who wanted to have sex with me because I didn't feel comfortable with my body.

My boss gave me a speech on personal hygeine at one of my jobs.

I had an undescended testicle and had surgery to correct the problem.

All of these experinces are part of me and I felt humilated when each of these events in my life took place. I don't need or want an analysis of these events. I just want to express what happened and how it made me feel.

I am doing what I can to learn how to thrive and part of that process for myself is learning to be comfortable with who I am. I feel that by expressing these experience I free myself from seeking validation. I intend to tell my freinds about these experiences next time we are together. The more honestly I express myself, the less anxiety and stress I feel when communicating with another person.

Cynthetiq

wonderful that you are accepting ALL the aspects of yourself, good and bad.

acceptance is the first rule of being human.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

maleficent

Thanks for sharing that part of yourself.... Learning to be comfortable with who you are is the greatest thing that anyone can accomplish. I hope you are close to your goal...

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Seeker

Well done! I don't even know if I would have had the guts to do something myself like this. I'm sure we have all had humiliating times in one way or another. I really admire your honesty and approach.

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

Redlemon

...except for his own name? Why is your username NotMVH, if your initials are MVH?

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Carno

NotMVH - Yeah, I learned that I could never really be comfortable with myself until I learned to accept myself completely. Once you accept who you are, you're free to live your life however you want to, without being held back by stupid insecurities.

What? He probably created his username long before he even had the idea to post this. Why is your username RedLemon?

Sage

ohhhhhh his user name is Red Lemon! Holy cow! I never caught on to that till just now!

Anyway, NonMVH- times of humiliation are really hard to get over, but once you step up to the plate and accept them they go away a lot faster

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doodlebird

i admire your determination to face up to the things that haunt you. i know you are on your way to a life free from the weight of these things. someday they will all be funny memories, and not humiliations. any of them could have happened to any one.

just to share a little...
if i had a boss, my hygiene would surely be reprimanded.
the first girl i kissed - she laughed at me.

and just for the record, it's ok to turn down sex sometimes. if it doesn't feel right, it isn't.

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xoxo
doodle

Redlemon

Well, I thought it was a very interesting choice in usernames. If I were looking to sign up on this board, and was concerned that someone might recognise me, I probably wouldn't include my initials. Even with Not preceding them. Since NotMVH seems to be in an introspective mood, I thought I'd ask. Hope it isn't intrusive, and if my initial question seemed rude, that wasn't my intent.

2nd question; I was on the hotseat, that was one of the first questions.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

magictoy

It's important that you come to grips with these things.

You should probably consider that EVERYONE has memories of humiliating events in their lives. Most times, no one else remembers them. Also, things that have happened to you have happened to a lot of other people as well.

If you decide to tell your friends, I hope they're very GOOD friends, and that they can keep a confidentiality.

Otherwise, something that was long forgotten, or unknown by your circle of friends and acquaintances, will be dredged back up.

Possibly a session with a counselor of some sort would alleviate your need to talk without running the risk of changing any relationships in your life. It doesn't have to be a full-blown shrink, either.

Good luck in any case.

P.S. Nothing will make you feel better than improving those parts of your life that embarrass you now. Exercise? Hygiene? Whatever?

Hard work at improving these will provide an amazing increase in self-confidence and feeling of self-worth. At that point, you will be able to laugh off these things that humiliate you now.

Trust me on that one.

Ustwo

Mmm interesting...

I tried to think of times I'd been humiliated and I can't. I'm not saying I have never been humiliated in some way, but I just didn't dwell on it.

I do recall times that I screwed up (even if I was the only one who knew) and wished I could fix it in retrospect.

One that has always bothered me, despite being something very minor was when I was working at TGIFridays (yes I had my flare heh). Anyways a couple came in with a few kids, and the husband mentions to me its her birthday when she wasn't at the table. They were fun people and I really made sure they had a good time. They leave and the guy gives me a wierd look and I had about a buck for a tip. Mmmmmm whatever.

Then I remember it was her birthday and I forgot to do the Friday's birthday song thing which obviously he wanted for her. It was something very minor obviously, I doubt they remember being it was years ago, but I still feel bad.

I guess what it is, is that I remember hurting others far more than I remember others hurting me.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

NotMVH

I don't mind the question about my username at all. I had an account on these forums for sometime and decided to cut back my forum usage and changed my password and e-mail so I could no longer access my acounts or restore my password, eventually when I found a balance between forum usages and other priorities I registered agian but needed another alias. The name is not meant to represent an aspect of myself but I can understanding thinking there may be a connection.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.

I can understand your point of view magictoy. Although not everyone is privy to all aspects of my life, I have created this post attached with my name and with intention of sharing these experiences to force change. By no longer holding these experience as private, they are no longer a burden. If I were to lie or attempt to hide who I am or how I think and feel, the experience I have had, I would be degrading myself to seek acceptance. By being able to expose myself in complete honesty I think people can see me for who I am, at that point it no longer matters what subjective opinion they might hold of me because I am no longer seeking their acceptance and become only in need of my own validation.

RedLemon, I am not authorized to veiw the link you submitted so I am unable to respond?

kangaeru

NotMVH:

Good first step. The next one is to take the these humiliations and use them to fuel the fires of change, to mold yourself to the image you want yourself to be. Get pissed off. No woman should ever turn you down, and if she does, she isn't worth shit to you and isn't worth even a memory. Having a gun pointed at you must have been a terrible experience, but take that, learn from it, and come back stronger. No shame in what you did--take away from it that death will come for you when it's your time, and you can't control that. So don't fear it. Shower, brush your teeth, keep your misc. hair in line. Smell good. What you can be tomorrow is not boxed in by what you are today. Be the change you want to see.

Good luck to you on your journey, the road is long but the promised land is sweet.

Redlemon

I f'ed up the tags, might work better now. Unless you can't see the Member's Playground fourm yet, in which case, sit tight, keep posting, and try again later.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

hiredgun

My most humiliating moment:

On the day of my high school prom, I accidentally pulled a "Something About Mary" and got... myself... stuck in my tux pants.

My mother had to help.

:blush:

thingstodo

I can't remember most of these things about myself. Can't remember much anyway! Guess the main reason is that I chose to move on. Sounds like you might be trying to do the same thing. Good luck!

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If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.

EULA

How does that Popeye addage go? "I ams what I ams."

One of my more embarassing moments was in 4th grade when my PE teacher said this to me in front of the whole class: "You'll never be as good as your sister."

In high school band, the teacher was handing out uniform bags which had our intials on them. My initials are SGD. Here's what the initials on the bag were: STD

Demeter

Apparently I've successfully
repressed my most humiliating moments, as it should be.

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I am not bound to please thee with my answers.
William Shakespeare

Rubyee

I have been humiliated many, many times, but can only remember a few.

At a party, I didn't see a plate of hot wings on a chair, so I sat on them. I walked around for half an hour with a chicken wing stuck to my right butt check.

My boob popped out of my shirt at work once- I was crawling under the desk trying to hook up my computer.

When it is cold, as happens to most women, my nipples get super hard. However, it takes a long time for my right nipple to soften, which means I walk around with one hard nipple.

oblar

I am impressed that you were able to post this, especially adding on your name to it.

Myself, I don't seem to get embarrassed easily.. really, my body is the only thing I am embarrassed about even slightly, and that I ignore when around others... I don't care much for being shirtless, but I will take off my shirt and just hang out sometimes...

it all depends on the situation.. things I have done that may make others feel embarrassed..

-I was told by a girl that I kissed just like a girl
-Have had a girl complain to me when she didn't turn me on
-people try to publicly ridicule me at times

I guess they really aren't that bad, but like I said, I am never really embarrassed all that much... even though I dislike my body, I have no problem walking around naked in front of others... some people have told me I don't have any self-image, so I cannot be insulted/embarrassed by anything.

however, I guess I am not as brave as NotMVH, so I won't attatch my name*grin*

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"All that we can do is just survive.
.All that we can do to help ourselves is stay alive." - Rush

kramus

You have accomplished what you intended and you have moved on. I appreciate that.

That was a good thing, your sharing here. Thank you.

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And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

streak_56

IMO, I think that you have touched on two very important points. That you accept those as part of you, and that you are starting to become comfortable with it. It's a part of you, accepting will only allow you to define your self-image. And becoming comfortable with it will only envoke some or plenty more self-confidence.

Good Job and good luck

NotMVH

I should confess I have not had this discussion with my freinds, A good opportunity has not presented itself although it would also be my responsibility to create one.

I don't think I have told them because I think the conversation itself would be awkward.

I am working on a post for the philosophy board about self-esteem and identity which (including this post) is something that my writing seems to be focused around right now.

Supple Cow

This thread reminds me of something Thoreau said:
How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

After reading the thread-starter, my expectation was that most of the replies would be in the same vein. I was a little surprised to see that most chose to comment on NotMVH's humiliating moments (or make more tangential remarks) rather than share their own experiences. Now here I am composing my own reply and I feel ten times more humiliated to admit what I had originally planned to write. I don't know if I have it in me to dive in today, but this certainly has me thinking about all the things in my life I choose not to accept. We are all such peculiar creatures in our need for validation. Thanks, NotMVH.

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"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
(Michael Jordan)

kramus

I know in my original post I had a couple of paragraphs about being a bed-wetter, and then thought that perhaps the intent of the thread was not so much the chorus as the sharing of the OP. So I clipped them out. I salute what NotMVH has done and validate his intent - having grown from my own original very negative and long-lasting humiliating "moment".

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And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

Poloboy

MVH, this is an incredibly inspiring thread you've started. I'm sure I'm not the only one who hopes to develop the same courage and self-honesty you have.