Feeling a little odd about things.

[kramus]

So last fall I separated from my wife. I moved in with the folks, she's in the house with the kids (20, 18, going on 14 and 12). An amicable thing, no sound and fury just a realization it was over more or less. We even maintained a sporadic intimacy - on her invites but happy to sleep over upon occassion.

Since the separation she's changed her mind and realized that perhaps if she'd handled herself a bit different ... but I know it's over. Anyway, she's a lady who has to have love so she has used a dating service to go for coffee and such with some guys. I volunteered to take some photos, we went through them to get a profile picture up, and I even loaded it on her site for her.

So she is having a date with a guy from out of town who's coming in and they'll go out for the afternoon and then she's making the two of them dinner. I will take the younger 2 for the afternoon/evening (the later the better she says) and the older ones will be out of the picture.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is other that to say I do find this a bit - odd, or unsettling - probably because something I've been so used to for so long is growing in a direction that I am not really part of. What post-partum thoughts would people have to share - what do they see anew, or different, or again in times like this?

I've caused this example of life going on by my not moving back - I've maintained a position that really forces the changes here, but it is an emotional time nonetheless. I guess I am lonely and want some tfp viewpoints on their separations.

[Seeker]

kramus, I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and suggest that mainly it has given you a shake-up as to the role you have taken on in your life. The role you played when you were together, and then the role you have played up to this point.

Your role is affirmed by those around you, and when one of those people move in a different and independant direction this would cause you to re-evaluate the role you currently play in regard to that particular person. I think this may be the main reason for your unsettled feelings or 'oddness'.

This may be way off but that was my first thought. You are an amazing soul with many talents.. I think you may find that you will deal with this better than you may be willing to give yourself credit for..

[kramus]

I did do something this afternoon that I wouldn't have in the past. During a phonecall about the logistics tomorrow she mentioned the grass at the house was due for a cut. I suggested that one of the boys could do it. She got a little sharp and said that the eldest was working 2 jobs and spending his free time out of town with his girlfriend, and she hoped that I wasn't expecting her to do it. I then mentioned the almost 14 year old and the 12 year old. She remained sharp, and mentioned that she didn't ask much of me - and that the house couldn't be kept up if I didn't participate more. I replied that if we found we couldn't keep the house up then we will have to get rid of it. She said goodnight and hung up.

We have talked about selling the house as recently as yesterday, so that isn't new. What is new is me taking a stand that I know she will find appalling, and not budging from it. I spoke with a couple of fellows this evening and they both laughed at the idea of me cutting the grass at a house that I didn't live in - and that my 3 sons ought to be able to handle things. Their affirmation was a help for what was for me a hard step to take.

[Seeker]

Good for you kramus! Yes, a hard but wonderful step. All the power to you

[Gilda]

Good for you.

If she's living in the house, it's her responsibility to maintain it. Is there some obvious reason why she can't cut the grass at her house?

[tecoyah]

OK.....here goes,

There is a time in all our lives when life altering descisions must be made, some will take the easy route (which never lasts long) and forgo the difficulties and pain of life lesson. Others will accept that something needs to be done and deal with the inevitable hardship, knowing there is no other way to go on with this thing we call life. Perhaps it is time to share a bit of my past with you kramus:

I was married once before, for seven years. The relationship started off well enough, and there was a level of happiness for us both. Time and evolution of spirit brought many changes to what we had, to the point where our paths went in polar opposite directions. I decided four years into this marriage that it could not be healthy ever again...this after two years of "trying to change", primarily because of our son. In my youth I made a commitment to myself to be strong and take the Martyr status, for the benefit of the child. Three years later, and two frigid years of self pity and pain created a new me.
I became enlightened to a small piece of human nature, both mine and hers. Through a series of manipulations (which I will not go into here) I directed her into deciding to divorce me, which was no small task, and took the better part of a year. We are friends to this day and she has no Idea of the puppeteering involved to gain this result. And so my point:

You do not need to go to these lengths , and for that you should be quite happy. By standing up for yourself, and making her think (thus the anger on her part) you have taken the first step in a clean and amiable break. It is my opinion that this is what is required here. Not knowing the details of her , or your personalities I cannot make a competent evaluation of the chances for success in continued friendship...but if I had to guess I would say you are more than capable of making it happen.

Good luck....and think hard of the next steps.

[Charlatan]

You totally did the right thing.

You have to look at it this way, at some point you will start dating or even remarry. Do you really want to still be cutting her lawn when that occurs? I certainly don't think you new partner will appreciate that...

You have decided to seperate and go through life on different paths. It isn't going to be easy but in the long run you will both be happier.

You are taking the right approach.

[Demeter]

Man, I never realized that as the woman, I never had to mow the lawn!
Lol.
As a single Mom, I can tell you it never hurts for a lady to do a little 'man's work'.

Kramus, you have every right to happiness, you have gone above & beyond to try & placate her. Stick to your guns, I'm sure she will give you the opportunity to take another.

[Rodney]

Originally Posted by kramus

I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is other that to say I do find this a bit - odd, or unsettling - probably because something I've been so used to for so long is growing in a direction that I am not really part of. What post-partum thoughts would people have to share - what do they see anew, or different, or again in times like this?

What feels odd is that you two split up, but you were still the man of the household, doing stuff for her that she couldn't do herself and even sleeping with her sometimes. You still had that role, because you were willing to do it and she was willing to ask you.

Now she's moving off and dating other guys, and you're realizing that you can't really be the man of the household anymore; it's not your household anymore (though the house is half yours). And that's a bit of loss, a piece of adjustment that you're now having to make. And you're making it, and now you're realizing that since you can't really be the man of the household anymore, it's inappropriate for you to do the household chores. So you turned down her request, and she's a little upset because it makes her life less comfy. You're not going to be there for her in the same way; which is kind of what she should expect, but she hasn't thought it through, yet.

But she will. She'll figure out that boyfriends won't be too happy to find you out front cutting the lawn when they come over for a little visit. Because they're auditioning for your old job, and they're not going to believe she's a serious "employer" if you're still around. She can't go her own way _and_ lean on you for all the little husbandy things.

You two are still going to be parents together of your children, though, and in seeing to their welfare you're both going to be partners for a long time.

[spincycle0]

Good for you brother. My ex (5.5 years) tried for quite some time after we split up to get me to do chores and other "difficult" stuff she didnt want to deal with. She had a really hard time understanding the concept that because we are split up, I don't have to deal with all the difficult bullshit in her life, and I don't have to accomodate her. She's gotten over it now, and we're friends, and I suspect the same will folllow for you. Good luck and keep your head up!!!

[Carno]

Yeah man, doing all of the housework is completely bullshit, especially when your four kids live there. There is no reason why none of them couldn't help more. Hell, I worked two jobs, went to high school, had a girlfriend and still mowed the lawn every week.

And when my dad, my brother and I went on a camping trip for a week to Colorado, guess who mowed the lawn while we were gone? My mom.

[abaya]

kramus... you are a strong man for making these decisions as you have. My stepdad got stuck in the exact same rut when he split up with my mom, and she STILL calls on him like he's her personal handyman. My parents have always been codependent and dysfunctional, though, and even in their separation they have not been able to be healthy (though my dad works on it much more than my mom does)... that's after eight years apart.

Yes, it's right to share the responsibility of raising the children still... but other than that, she will have to deal with the consequences of not having you around, including either getting a smaller, less-maintenance-needed house, or asking the children to step up in your absence. It kind of sucks for everyone... probably the kids will feel it the most... but that's life, and they will be better for it if they can fill in that gap themselves.

[Daniel_]

Wow - my first post here.

Been there, done that, bought the teeshirt.

It took me a year to realise just how dumb it was to be doing that sort of thing for my ex- ; especially when it was her that ended it by going off with another guy (who she met on-line) after we'd been together for 17years, and married for 9.

It took a good woman to make me realise how dumb I was being - it looks like its a realisation you've come to on your own, so well done.

It's tough to decide to let her be, you've got to draw the line somewhere. I mean, otherwise you'll be helping her pick out new lingerie for her hot dates, and looking after the kids while she gets laid by strangers - that's rough.

Good luck, and stay strong.

[Martel]

Yeah, excuse me? She's dating other guys... you're helping out with it?

She asked you to take the kids out "the later the better"? Maybe its just me but it sounds like she's rubbing your nose in the fact that she's out cavorting with other guys late at night doing who knows what.

And now she wants you to come over and mow the lawn?

I don't think so. That's way wrong, and I think you should start getting out of whatever you two are into together financially (like the house and such) if you haven't already.

However you also need to stop going over and sleeping with her, I think. I'd imagine it is causing some of the blur you're experiencing of the line between being together and not being together.

Basically she is wanting you to keep her in her comfort zone while she goes off in search of new guys. Are you cool with that? What steps are you taking to move away?

[Martel]

Originally Posted by Daniel_

you've got to draw the line somewhere. I mean, otherwise you'll be helping her pick out new lingerie for her hot dates, and looking after the kids while she gets laid by strangers

yeah, what he said.