Am I out of line here?
 

Ok, here's the situation.

My wife and I moved in with her uncle John three years ago. He was 75 at the time and we watched after him, and toward the end (he died Friday morning), we also became his sole caregivers. He was sick for about a year before dying (stroke, pneumonia a few times, ephesyma (sp?) among other ailments).

He was married for about a year when he was younger, but his step-daughter came around even after the divorce whenever she needed something (John's words, not mine).

Well, here's the story part now that the backdrop is set....

About a two years ago, his step-daughter volunteered to fix our Dodge Neon when it started bleeding oil. John gave the SD $400 for parts and was going to have it fixed for my wife as a Mother's Day gift, and we let the SD take the car.

Well, the car was supposed to be done in a week, but it turned into 7 weeks. After constantly badgering her for that long and being told "it's almost done" for weeks, I went to tow the car away to get it repaired elsewhere...... and found the engine in the trunk. Despite this, I did NOT say ANYTHING negative despite my IMMENSE pain of seeing our car in pieces. I took the high road, and I'm proud of it.

This is what the car looked like when I got it back...
http://images.rivera-web.com/icons/a...mp/oilleak.jpg

Anyway, after that the SD never came around again. So when we FINALLY found her phone # in John's office it was already Thursday of last week. She never got to see him before he died, and she was pretty pissed off.

So here's the TFP one-million dollar question..

To my wife and I, the bottom line was in the two years since the Neon incident, she never called, or came by, so I feel it's COMPLETELY unreasonable for her to be upset at US for not contacting her earlier about John being sick. If you love someone, like she claims she loved John, you make an effort to keep in contact, right? It's not my resposibility to keep their relationship in tact. If she had called even ONCE in the past year, we would of called her back. We're big people and do the right things, no matter what we think of someone.

Problem belongum her! You're right, if she had cared about him personally at all, you would think that she would have at least called once in two years to see how he was going. I think possibly she is upset at herself and can't face it, it is much easier to blame someone else. She sounds young, would this be a correct assumption?

Her fault she didn't know, plain and simple. She's just guilty she's such a flake.

Relationships are what a person keeps up, not what others keep up for them. (How would you do that anyway? Vicarious living?)

You had no obligation to call her. She was not a relative and as everyone else has said, you don't let two years go by without checking on someone if you care about them. She lost out due to her carelessness. If anything she should be glad she isn't in court about the car.

Ditto what other's have said - it was her repsonsibility to keep that relationship intact not yours. Like Seeker said, she's likely taking the guilt she feels out on you as an easy target. Yes, it's an unfortunate situation, but you are not at fault.

Wow.

Can a person behave this terribly? I guess so. People continue to amaze me.

I agree with the previous posters - This is not your fault at all. And the fact that she butchered your car for parts... grrrrrrrrrr.

Thanks for answering everyone. I just had to be sure I was in the right.

This sucks. But you asked for opinions so here is mine. You should have called her. If they had some sort of marginal relationship that soured at the end, and there was a chance for apologies or goodbyes, they should have had that chance.

Sure she should have called him, she is at fault. That really doesn't affect what you could have done, though. I think you give people a chance to make peace if they can. Sorry -

For what it's worth I really respect the fact you were there the last three years to help take care of him. Not enough of that around anymore...

The engine in the trunk? wtf

Hey, whenever someone screws up, they look to blame someone else, especially if they feel guilt. I'm sure the SD felt tons of guilt for not being there for him. It's her problem, however, and I don't think you should feel one ounce of guilt. You let her know when he died and that was your responsibility.

He was 75, how long did she think he would live? The mere fact that he was that old and she did not try and contact him in the last two years, she didn't give a hoot about the man.
You are responsible for your own actions, good or bad. She just can't own up to the bad, and that's really sad. You are not responsible for her actions, only your own, and from where I stand, you're doing better than most.

I'm wondering if the uncle ever said anything about wanting to contact her? (assuming he could still communicate that information.)

Hmm I don't know about you guys, but I know myself that you don't have to talk to someone to love them. I love my sister, but sometimes years go by without us saying a word. Also I don't go out of my way to tell people I got contacted or contacted my family members, it's something I just hold dear in myself.


Concerning the other part.. depending on family to do heavy labor is a game of roullette. It could be that the $400 wasn't enough to fix the problem and she felt trapped over time as it became more apparent that this was not a favor but more a task. I mean 7 weeks to do something can either mean she was slacking, or that's more then $400 worth of labor she tried on it (if the engine was removed like you said then the labor and time just to do that in shop will surpass $400).


Truthfully I think she's upset because of the circumstances. She may feel that you are contacting her with this bad news, but in her mind she knows you may have the Neon situation in mind too. Double bad news sucks.

In the end all I can say is I find it best not to be in a "I love him/this/her/it more then you" type situation. We can't really ever know the full situation of another person and their emotion when it comes to stuff like that.

I hope everything goes well for you, and maybe you should just use this as a chance to fix the neon yourself. Even if you broke it, 2 years is a lot of time to have fun with the thing and make it work.

i think you shoulda called her in the begining.i totally agree that you dont have to talk to someone all the time to love them. my gran stays in london and i in south arfrica.she comes down once every couple of years and she phones once in a while and (i feel ashamed to say this...) i never make an effort to phone her .so the only contact i have with my gran is when she phones to talk to my mother and i answer the phone.

BUT... that doesnt mean that i love her any less.because i love her to pieces.

in my opinion this girl did have a right to know, because on the contrary to what other people may say, for a time she was his "daughter" and in that time she may have grown to love him like a father , cos perhaps she didnt have one .

i think you should've taken all the factors into considerstion here.because the death of someone you love can leave scars for a lifetime.

im sorry, im only 21 , but this is something i've been through before and it's not a nice feeling or situation to be in.

We didn't wait to call her, we couldn't. We didn't have her phone #. We found it right before his death because we were looking for paperwork in his office. Had we found it earlier, we would of called her.

Feel no guilt, you are in the right. Her pride prevented her from contact after "the incident," and she was just hanging around to get something out of you or him.
My condolences to you and your wife. I hope I have people as lovely as you around me if I need to be cared for.

If you feel you followed the wishes of your uncle - he may not have had a burning desire to contact her either - then I don't think you should feel any guilt. If you think he would have wanted her there to visit, even if he wasn't able to communicate, and you don't think you made a good faith effort to contact her, then you may not be able to rest as easily.

Don't judge yourself on her reaction, judge it on how you think your uncle would have wanted things.

bah.... you had no repsonsibility in contactinger her. It would have been courteous but you didn't have the means.

she's probably never going to be part of your lives again anyways...

move on.

There is no reasonable cause for remorse on your part. Your love for this man is all that really matters. Had this step daughter possessed one tenth the amount of empathy that you and your wife have shown, she would have made herself available and moreso, she would have been by this gentlemen's side at his time of departure. That is what people who really care about each other would do. Your actions are honourable. Hers are not.

I'd give her the benifit of the doubt. Some people take anyone's death very hard, and maybe they were closer at some point then he let on. So she may have just been lashing out in grief.

But still in no way your fault.