Would you remind your spouse/SO? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Meditrina · 05-04-2005, 08:14 AM

My birthday falls the day before Mother's day this year. I really want my spouse to remember both days on his own. I did order my own birthday present because he told me to. As far as I know he has not gotten cards or a Mother's Day present for me. I know it is not about the gift itself, it is the thought that counts. What I am worried about is that the thought is not there. I cannot tell you how many times he says "OH I forgot" if I don't remind him to do something.

Would you remind your spouse/SO that your birthday and Mother's Day is coming? Or wait to see if they will remember on their own? I think it would be more meaningful if he remembered on his own, but how depressing if he does not.

the_marq · 05-04-2005, 08:23 AM

Forgetting Mother's day is unforgivable. Not because the day is sacred or anything, but because unless you live in a cave, with you fingers in your ears...you can't help but be reminded of it 100 times a day. Birthdays as they are not marketed as heavily can more easily be forgotten. So my point is, even if you do remind him of Mother's day, if he didn't get the hint the first 1000 times he was reminded via the general media, your reminder won't resonate either.

I'm a pretty forgetful guy, things don't get done by me in all kinds of ways, but I usually do pretty good in remembering birthdays.

One thing to consider regarding birthday reminders.... he may have planned a surprise and your reminding him of the upcoming date might ruin his plans...its happened to me

Charlatan · 05-04-2005, 08:25 AM

He doesn't need to worry about you on Mother's Day as you are not his Mother (and if you are.... eeewwww).

I'd just be concerned that he remembers you on your birthday. If he does get you something for being the Mother of his children... that is just a bonus (IMO).

And regardless I wouldn't remind him... I would just wait. And if he screws up! You have a whole year to lord it over him and make him feel guilty.

VitaminH · 05-04-2005, 08:43 AM

I wouldn't remind him. He, being your husband should know these things (yes I know us males forget but seriously...c'mon it's her birthday and they're MARRIED) and if he doesn't you have every right to hang it over his head as charlatan said.

JustJess · 05-04-2005, 08:45 AM

I don't think I would tell him now since it's only a few days away, but I would if there were more time. Now, I'd just think he was doing something cause I reminded him, and that feels worse to me.
Have you tried talking to him and trying to explain that it's important to you emotionally? Perhaps if you say that when he forgets special days, it makes you feel hurt and underappreciated, he might understand better. No one is going to like hearing "you never remember my birthday!!!" even if it's true. I have known other men who just plain don't get it, and they do need the education. My brother-in-law grew up in a house where they didn't bother wrapping presents, or remembering holidays hardly at all, so when he married my sister (from a family where we DO), they both had a lot of adjusting to do. Now he remembers, he comes up with ideas on his own, and even wraps them - even if he goes shopping the night before, it's his thing. Perhaps with some honest discussion of your feelings, your husband can also learn - once he figures out it's about how it makes you feel, not about criticizing him.

I wish you luck - that's a tough one.

Janey · 05-04-2005, 08:51 AM

I agree with Charl wrt to Moms day. Do you have kids? (obviously you do, or this wouldn't be an issue) depending on their age, he may have to assist them with getting their cards/gifts together. For example, drawing or buying a card, putting their allowance together to get a gift.

But I would not personally expect my spouse to get me a mother's day card... from him. I really despise the way these occasions start tospread and get out of control. so I hold to the straight and narrow: I get my mother a mother's day card. he gets his mother one. he does not get one for me (especially since we have no kids!! but in the future i hope not too).

We sign each other's cards to our respective moms too, just to be inclusive.

Meditrina · 05-04-2005, 08:59 AM

My kids are young. 2 and 8. I just want him to take them to get cards on his own. That is what I meant, I just didn't word it right. I just spoke with my mother-in-law (she is the kind of person I can talk to about anything, even her own son!) She agrees that I should not say anything. I would hope after 13 years of being together, 11 of them married, that he will remember. If not, I will tell him how it made me feel.

Janey · 05-04-2005, 09:08 AM

I think he will do it. I mean, when the 8 yo comes home from school tomorrow with a mother's day art project, he'll at least clue in.

stonegrody · 05-04-2005, 09:16 AM

I'd say don't remind him but then again, everytime I think someone is going to let me down, they usually do. I wouldn't expect anything for mother's day although it would be a nice gesture. Your birthday, he should remember.

You could spare yourself the disappointment and just tell him. Then you can just assume that he would have remembered anyway.

abaya · 05-04-2005, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJess

Have you tried talking to him and trying to explain that it's important to you emotionally? Perhaps if you say that when he forgets special days, it makes you feel hurt and underappreciated, he might understand better. -snip- I have known other men who just plain don't get it, and they do need the education. My brother-in-law grew up in a house where they didn't bother wrapping presents, or remembering holidays hardly at all, so when he married my sister (from a family where we DO), they both had a lot of adjusting to do. Now he remembers, he comes up with ideas on his own, and even wraps them - even if he goes shopping the night before, it's his thing. Perhaps with some honest discussion of your feelings, your husband can also learn - once he figures out it's about how it makes you feel, not about criticizing him.

I agree with everything Jess said here... I'm sure he would like to do something for you if he knew how important it was to you. And yes, most men SHOULD know this, but many of them don't receive the same behavioral training that women do in terms of remembering special occasions, so we have to tell them somehow. And there are some women who really just don't give a flip about stuff like this, either (I'm not one of those), which is fine too.

As everyone else has said, I wouldn't bring it up now either... it's too soon... but maybe after Mother's Day, when he hasn't gotten you anything (which I can almost guarantee will happen, given what you've said), be clear about how it made you feel without criticizing him directly. The classic I-feel statements work great for this... "I feel neglected and that you don't think about doing something special with me on special holidays, and I really just need you to do those things for me to feel loved at those times." Something like that. I mean, he may still choose to be passive on holidays, but you can't control that. Your job is to at least communicate your feelings/expectations so that he is aware of them, and you can both go from there.

Charlatan · 05-04-2005, 09:32 AM

If your mother-in-law knows her son well enough, she will take some time to call him and remind him.

It's what I would do if it was my son.

maleficent · 05-04-2005, 09:40 AM

I'm going to take the opposite opinion...

Your birthday is important to you... you want him to remember.. you will be annoyed/hurt/insert the adjective if he doesn't remember... You might even decide to guilt him if he doesn't remember or punish him in some way...

That's way too much freakin effort... if you expect something TELL HIM...

Begin rant
THis is one of those ongoing man/woman battles that drives me absolutely insane.. I know sooo many women who do this... MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.. They are distracted by shiney objects and boobies.. they cant be expected to know what is on your mind and act accordingly unless you tell them. (and I say that will a great deal of affection, I love those lovable lunks) Unless you say it, and tell him, how is he going to know it's important.

Special occassions are just not a big deal to m e, I've had my birthday forgotten more times than remembered, it's the every day stuff that what matters... If I wanted something done for my birthday, I'd ask... and subtle hints dont work... Men don't get hints...

Cynthetiq · 05-04-2005, 09:44 AM

I state affirmitively to Skogafoss if you have a date you need or want me to remember, you must tell me in advance so that I do make sure to remember it, like anniversaries dating and wedding. Wedding anniversary is easy since we picked 02.02.02. Her birthday however I forget the exact date all the time but I know it's usually on a holiday weekend

Meditrina · 05-04-2005, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

I'm going to take the opposite opinion...

Your birthday is important to you... you want him to remember.. you will be annoyed/hurt/insert the adjective if he doesn't remember... You might even decide to guilt him if he doesn't remember or punish him in some way...

That's way too much freakin effort... if you expect something TELL HIM...

Good points Mal. Which would make me feel worse? Him forgetting or him getting me things because I reminded him? I do believe him forgetting will be the worser of two evils. I am trying to repair my marriage, not do things to make it worse. I just asked him if he was planning on taking the kids to the store this week. Let's see what he says.

He says he was planning on taking the kids this friday for cards. Big sigh of relief. I am actually glad I asked him.

Charlatan · 05-04-2005, 10:02 AM

I agree with Mal in that women expect too much when they should simply just tell me what they want... My wife and I have a strong relationship because we both don't let things fester.

That said, forgetting a birthday is inexcusable. He should not need to be reminded about your birthday or your anniversary. You may want to impress upon him how important these dates are to you but I would never remind him that the date is approaching (at this late a date it is too late to do anything but remind him if you bring it up at all).

Personally, I don't forget dates like this... I took my kids out last weekend so they could buy gifts for my wife... we then made cards together. Birthdays and anniversaries are essential to remember if you want to ever be distracted by the shiny objects and boobies to which Mal so rightly draws our attention.

maleficent · 05-04-2005, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sportswidow05

G\ I just asked him if he was planning on taking the kids to the store this week. Let's see what he says.

He says he was planning on taking the kids this friday for cards. Big sigh of relief. I am actually glad I asked him.

Atta girl...

abaya · 05-04-2005, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlatan

Personally, I don't forget dates like this... I took my kids out last weekend so they could buy gifts for my wife... we then made cards together. Birthdays and anniversaries are essential to remember if you want to ever be distracted by the shiny objects and boobies to which Mal so rightly draws our attention.

This really made me laugh... shiny objects and boobies, I'm going to have to remember that one.

Nice one, Charlatan... you'll definitely be getting some boobies this weekend.

lindseylatch · 05-04-2005, 10:45 AM

Ok, I have a BIG problem with this...Cause it sounds like a test. Which is stupid and immature. If you want him to remember your birthday, then remind him. If you don't care, then don't. Don't make it into a "well, if he CARED about me, he'd remember it all by himself!" Cause I seriously doubt there's a correlation between his level of affection and his ability to remember a string of (basically arbitrary) numbers.
I never remember my dad's birthday, but I still love him and respect him and thinks he's the best dad in the entire world. I'm terrible about dates for shit...that's what calendars are for. They tell me when all the important stuff happens (like days where we get to eat lots of food). Also, as pointed out, the media helps a lot for those other shopping holidays like mother's day and father's day.
My mom on the other hand can remember the birthdate of her first dog (ok, slight exageration). Doesn't mean she loves the dog more than I love my dad.
The best way to measure someone's affection/love/whatever for you would be to ask them. Don't wait for them to take the initiative, cause they may be waiting for you...

so, basically, I agree with Mal...

Meditrina · 05-04-2005, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lindseylatch

Ok, I have a BIG problem with this...Cause it sounds like a test. Which is stupid and immature. If you want him to remember your birthday, then remind him. If you don't care, then don't. Don't make it into a "well, if he CARED about me, he'd remember it all by himself!" Cause I seriously doubt there's a correlation between his level of affection and his ability to remember a string of (basically arbitrary) numbers.

Thank you. You are right. It would have been like a test. and that is wrong, after all these years. I am really glad I was able to post this here. You have all helped me to see many sides of the same coin. I should just stop letting it bother me that he needs reminders every now and again. I am still learning that I have to change me and not try to change him. I feel so much better since I asked him about it. He didn't seem to mind that I asked either.

Charlatan · 05-04-2005, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

Nice one, Charlatan... you'll definitely be getting some boobies this weekend.

One can only hope...

ShaniFaye · 05-04-2005, 11:24 AM

Its not like he has to memorize the declaration of independance.....I find no excuse for a S/O (especially if you've been together a long time) to NOT remember your birthday.

Master_Shake · 05-04-2005, 12:06 PM

Of course, because it's so important to ensure the continued profitability of Hallmark and the bullshit card industry by observing officially-approved arbitrary dates for the celebration of meaningless and inane life milestones.

Redlemon · 05-04-2005, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lindseylatch

Don't make it into a "well, if he CARED about me, he'd remember it all by himself!" Cause I seriously doubt there's a correlation between his level of affection and his ability to remember a string of (basically arbitrary) numbers.

I agree with lindseylatch, but I want to emphasize the flipside; even if he remembers it doesn't mean that he cares. Anyone who chooses to include the word 'widow' in her username clearly has some concerns about whether or not she is loved. Whether or not he remembers Mother's day won't answer that question.

la petite moi · 05-04-2005, 07:08 PM

About Mother's Day- truly, he should be honouring HIS mother, and if you have children, encouraging your son/daughter to draw a little picture or something for you.

About your birthday- he should know if you're married. If he forgets, you should smack him over the head.

ngdawg · 05-04-2005, 07:34 PM

I'm the one who forgets birthdays. It's not that I don't know the dates, but I don't pay attention to when they pop up.
I'm always reminded that I am not his mother, so from him, I don't get Mother's Day things-that's fine, although if I see something he might want or need, I use Father's Day as a reason to get it.
I see your point-to get some recognition for all you are and all you do and to not have to bring it up. Glad you at least asked. Stewing over something that may not come to pass never comes to good.

hrandani · 05-05-2005, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Master_Shake

Of course, because it's so important to ensure the continued profitability of Hallmark and the bullshit card industry by observing officially-approved arbitrary dates for the celebration of meaningless and inane life milestones.

Zing!

Seriously. I think it's complete bullshit that people get so worked up about these occasions. My birthday has been forgotten every year for the past 7 years, and you don't see me giving a shit. What I do care more about than if my girlfriend remembers one 'special day' that's completely arbitrary is that she makes every day I see her special. I try to do the same, but at the same time I'm a hippie dippy nerd who doesn't wear a watch, much less know what year/month it is half the time. I'm absentminded and I can get caught up for days in computer games, books, or obscure philosophies. You can't buy an 'affection, love, and understanding for life' +10 card at the grocery store, ShaniFaye. (Might be at your local Dragons Lair Comics though) I would be seriously pissed if I found out she wasted money or time for some overpriced, thoughtless card or cake. The same thing for weddings, people spend so much money on them because it's narcissicistic indulgence on how important they are. God I hate that.

You can't buy the things that matter in life, so why try? The simple fact is people who deep down don't care, the people who are cheating on their SO's, or just want a quick piece of ass, will take the extra care to buy you flowers and cards and shit on your birthday. It's meaningless if the love isn't behind the act, and I'd rather have the love than the act. I don't understand this obsessiveness with signs and gestures, it's all fucking smoke and mirrors and behavioralist training.

Jesus.

Meditrina · 05-05-2005, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hrandani

Zing!

Seriously. I think it's complete bullshit that people get so worked up about these occasions.

Everyone has a right to their own opinion.

ngdawg · 05-05-2005, 06:35 PM

Who said anything about 'buying'? Her children made her cards, which, to me, are even more worthwhile than something from a store. I make all my cards, and made some Christmas gifts as well.
Presenting something tangible that comes from the heart is what's being discussed-not cutting into one's budget.
As for weddings, while they do tend to get out of control, you do yours your way, some will do it their way-as long as it's to share the occasion of two souls joined-no one said you had to attend, participate or give a shit.
At some point in time, the girlfriend is going to wonder, when is he going to show his love,ie: give something because you want her to have a tangible reminder.

maleficent · 05-05-2005, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hrandani

Zing!

Seriously. I think it's complete bullshit that people get so worked up about these occasions. My birthday has been forgotten every year for the past 7 years, and you don't see me giving a shit. What I do care more about than if my girlfriend remembers one 'special day' that's completely arbitrary is that she makes every day I see her special. I try to do the same, but at the same time I'm a hippie dippy nerd who doesn't wear a watch, much less know what year/month it is half the time. I'm absentminded and I can get caught up for days in computer games, books, or obscure philosophies. You can't buy an 'affection, love, and understanding for life' +10 card at the grocery store, ShaniFaye. (Might be at your local Dragons Lair Comics though) I would be seriously pissed if I found out she wasted money or time for some overpriced, thoughtless card or cake. The same thing for weddings, people spend so much money on them because it's narcissicistic indulgence on how important they are. God I hate that.

You can't buy the things that matter in life, so why try? The simple fact is people who deep down don't care, the people who are cheating on their SO's, or just want a quick piece of ass, will take the extra care to buy you flowers and cards and shit on your birthday. It's meaningless if the love isn't behind the act, and I'd rather have the love than the act. I don't understand this obsessiveness with signs and gestures, it's all fucking smoke and mirrors and behavioralist training.

Jesus.

As Sportswidow said, everyone is entitled to their opinion. You are entitled to yours. You and your girlfriend might have an arrangement where she doesn't expect anything out of the ordinary. You are both on the same page there. Not all people feel that way, some people want to be made to feel special on their birthday, it's not for you, nor me, nor anyone else to tell them that is wrong.

It turns into a big problem when both people are not on the same page.

TexanAvenger · 05-05-2005, 07:04 PM

Remind us. Often times, especially in the case of memory, we have the mental agility of a soap dish.

thingstodo · 05-07-2005, 07:31 AM

A few things here....

1. guys can't remember shit
2. what was I saying? Oh, yeah, guys can't remember shit
3. I didn't marry my mother and I only give my mother stuff on mother's day (gave her a copy of The Runaway Bunny this year)
4. we began letting birthdays slide several years ago....who wants to be reminded that they are getting older

I give my wife things for other reasons on other days because then it is a surprise. And we usually go out and buy what we want anyway. What's the use of giving someone a list of things you want and then guessing which one they'll get you. As for Hallmark, that's another story!!

Meditrina · 05-07-2005, 07:52 AM

My husband does not get me things on other days, he hardly ever surprises me with anything. Maybe that is why my birthday is important to me. But he did not forget. so far my day is really nice. He had to work this morning and emailed me a card, I thought that was out-of-character and really sweet. I do not expect him to get me things for Mother's Day, I am not his mother, but my children are young and need his help if they want to get me things, which they always do. He took them out last night to the store. I can't wait to see what they got me.

It was very interesting to hear from both men and women regarding this. I truly appreciate all of your replies and opinions. It helped me figure out what was more important to me, and now my weekend is a good one, not filled with anger or doubt.

ShaniFaye · 05-07-2005, 08:00 AM

Birthdays were important way before Hallmark.....Im really getting miffed with the people that say bdays are not important...that they are just another day. I bet you people that say "guys cant remember crap" dont forget your own birthday.

I guess Im lucky, Dave never forgets an important date. I will reiterate what I said earlier.....if you are an adult, there is no reason to not remember the birthday of a loved one.

Rlyss · 05-07-2005, 08:52 AM

I'm a guy with a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself but I don't think it's too fair to joke about how guys can't remember anything, and that we're stupid and all 'Sports and beer and nothing more complicated that the comics.' I don't forget people's birthdays, I don't know any guys who don't remember their loved ones' birthdays or anniversaries either. Every guy I know is happy to celebrate an anniversary (as long as it's not a one-month thing) and is just as active in the celebrations and planning as their girlfriends. Guys don't forget important things, people do.

Sportswidow - you said that as far as you know he didn't get a card or a gift. Is he supposed to say, a few days beforehand, 'Oh by the way, I got your card and gift today'? Shouldn't it be a surprise? I'm sure you know by now whether he got you one, and if he forgot then I'd say he's an exception.

Not all guys are like the husband from Married With Children.

Meditrina · 05-07-2005, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rlyss

Sportswidow - you said that as far as you know he didn't get a card or a gift. Is he supposed to say, a few days beforehand, 'Oh by the way, I got your card and gift today'? Shouldn't it be a surprise? I'm sure you know by now whether he got you one, and if he forgot then I'd say he's an exception.

Not all guys are like the husband from Married With Children.

Rlyss, you are right. It should be a surprise. I love surprises. For the almost 14 years that I have known my husband, I can count on one hand how many times he has surprised me. He always tells me when he is taking the kids shopping, no surprising. That is just the way he is. I guess I was worried about this year because of some stuff that he and I went through this past year. I do not think all men forget, and I am sure there are some women who forget as well. I should have known better that he would not forget. I never meant for this to be a men vs women topic. I apologize.

maleficent · 05-07-2005, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

Birthdays were important way before Hallmark.....Im really getting miffed with the people that say bdays are not important...that they are just another day. I bet you people that say "guys cant remember crap" dont forget your own birthday.

I guess Im lucky, Dave never forgets an important date. I will reiterate what I said earlier.....if you are an adult, there is no reason to not remember the birthday of a loved one.

So that means all the times that my birthday had been forgotten it means that no one loves me? While it's entirely possible, I think there's one or two people in the world that probably do like me. Birthdays just don't matter, it's another day on the calendar. EVERYDAY is what's important, not one silly day of the year where you get to wear a stupid hat and blow out candles.

I forgot my brother's birthday this year, I do love him, he's about the only family member I can tolerate. It just slipped my mind, I have more important things to remember than birthdays.

I do my best to remember other people's birthdays... but the calendar gets away from me... and quite frankly, i do enough for people during the course of the year that if I happen to let it slip, they need to get over themselves.

ShaniFaye · 05-07-2005, 04:41 PM

Mal, let me clarify...... Im talking about husbands, wives or S/O's.

maleficent · 05-07-2005, 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

Mal, let me clarify...... Im talking about husbands, wives or S/O's.

For me... doesn't make a difference -- it's still just a day.. .It's the everyday stuff that does matter... If my birthday was forgotten, I'm surely not going to be upset - I've forgotten my own birthday -and now have had entirely too many, I don't want to be reminded of them.

If the day is important to a person, then they should be expected to say something... if they don't say something... they have no right to be annoyed when the behavior that they expect doesn't happen. (Men may not be stupid but they surely can't read minds)

ShaniFaye · 05-07-2005, 04:52 PM

Well to me it does make a difference.....my birthday is the one day a year I want Dave to remember, vday doesnt mean crap to me, Im not his mother so to me mothers day isnt important as far as he's concerned. And I dont even mean planning anything all that special, Im happy with him just telling me happy birthday.

But, I did make sure he was aware that I think birthdays are important, I need not have worried though....once he knows a persons bday....he never forgets it.

Rlyss · 05-07-2005, 05:45 PM

Sorry sportswidow, I wasn't saying that you were turning it into a men vs. women debate at all. My comment was more about how it seems ok these days to joke about male simplicity (but you didn't do that at all). Like I said, I know how to laugh at myself and can make jokes about men and all that, but sometimes I feel like there's some trend to make fun of men in an effort to somehow negate the injustice towards women in the pas. I might just be reading too much into it though.

On topic though, I wouldn't remind someone outright. If there was an anniversary coming up I'd speak to my partner about how we'd celebrate together. If she forgot then she'd know after that. If my partner did forget I wouldn't take it to heart - if she shows me love in so many ways throughout the rest of the year, failing to do it in a particular way on a particular day isn't going to make me think twice about how she really feels. Like a few others have said, showing it on that one day only would make me worry more than showing it on all others except for that day.

And besides, isn't this what calendars are for? I haven't got a calendar now because I have no dates to memorise at the moment, but important dates have always gone straight in the calendar on my wall.

05-04-2005, 08:14 AM	#1 (permalink)
Meditrina Junkie Location: LI,NY	Would you remind your spouse/SO? My birthday falls the day before Mother's day this year. I really want my spouse to remember both days on his own. I did order my own birthday present because he told me to. As far as I know he has not gotten cards or a Mother's Day present for me. I know it is not about the gift itself, it is the thought that counts. What I am worried about is that the thought is not there. I cannot tell you how many times he says "OH I forgot" if I don't remind him to do something. Would you remind your spouse/SO that your birthday and Mother's Day is coming? Or wait to see if they will remember on their own? I think it would be more meaningful if he remembered on his own, but how depressing if he does not. __________________ "Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

05-04-2005, 08:23 AM	#2 (permalink)
the_marq All hail the Mountain King Location: Black Mesa	Forgetting Mother's day is unforgivable. Not because the day is sacred or anything, but because unless you live in a cave, with you fingers in your ears...you can't help but be reminded of it 100 times a day. Birthdays as they are not marketed as heavily can more easily be forgotten. So my point is, even if you do remind him of Mother's day, if he didn't get the hint the first 1000 times he was reminded via the general media, your reminder won't resonate either. I'm a pretty forgetful guy, things don't get done by me in all kinds of ways, but I usually do pretty good in remembering birthdays. One thing to consider regarding birthday reminders.... he may have planned a surprise and your reminding him of the upcoming date might ruin his plans...its happened to me __________________ The Truth: Johnny Cash could have kicked Bruce Lee's ass if he wanted to. #3 in a series

05-04-2005, 08:25 AM	#3 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	He doesn't need to worry about you on Mother's Day as you are not his Mother (and if you are.... eeewwww). I'd just be concerned that he remembers you on your birthday. If he does get you something for being the Mother of his children... that is just a bonus (IMO). And regardless I wouldn't remind him... I would just wait. And if he screws up! You have a whole year to lord it over him and make him feel guilty. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke Last edited by Charlatan; 05-04-2005 at 08:35 AM..

05-04-2005, 08:43 AM	#4 (permalink)
VitaminH An embarrassment to myself and those around me... Location: Pants	I wouldn't remind him. He, being your husband should know these things (yes I know us males forget but seriously...c'mon it's her birthday and they're MARRIED) and if he doesn't you have every right to hang it over his head as charlatan said. __________________ "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." - Napoleon Bonaparte

05-04-2005, 08:45 AM	#5 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	I don't think I would tell him now since it's only a few days away, but I would if there were more time. Now, I'd just think he was doing something cause I reminded him, and that feels worse to me. Have you tried talking to him and trying to explain that it's important to you emotionally? Perhaps if you say that when he forgets special days, it makes you feel hurt and underappreciated, he might understand better. No one is going to like hearing "you never remember my birthday!!!" even if it's true. I have known other men who just plain don't get it, and they do need the education. My brother-in-law grew up in a house where they didn't bother wrapping presents, or remembering holidays hardly at all, so when he married my sister (from a family where we DO), they both had a lot of adjusting to do. Now he remembers, he comes up with ideas on his own, and even wraps them - even if he goes shopping the night before, it's his thing. Perhaps with some honest discussion of your feelings, your husband can also learn - once he figures out it's about how it makes you feel, not about criticizing him. I wish you luck - that's a tough one. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

05-04-2005, 08:51 AM	#6 (permalink)
Janey Junkie Location: Toronto	I agree with Charl wrt to Moms day. Do you have kids? (obviously you do, or this wouldn't be an issue) depending on their age, he may have to assist them with getting their cards/gifts together. For example, drawing or buying a card, putting their allowance together to get a gift. But I would not personally expect my spouse to get me a mother's day card... from him. I really despise the way these occasions start tospread and get out of control. so I hold to the straight and narrow: I get my mother a mother's day card. he gets his mother one. he does not get one for me (especially since we have no kids!! but in the future i hope not too). We sign each other's cards to our respective moms too, just to be inclusive.

05-04-2005, 08:59 AM	#7 (permalink)
Meditrina Junkie Location: LI,NY	My kids are young. 2 and 8. I just want him to take them to get cards on his own. That is what I meant, I just didn't word it right. I just spoke with my mother-in-law (she is the kind of person I can talk to about anything, even her own son!) She agrees that I should not say anything. I would hope after 13 years of being together, 11 of them married, that he will remember. If not, I will tell him how it made me feel. __________________ "Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

05-04-2005, 09:08 AM	#8 (permalink)
Janey Junkie Location: Toronto	I think he will do it. I mean, when the 8 yo comes home from school tomorrow with a mother's day art project, he'll at least clue in.

05-04-2005, 09:16 AM	#9 (permalink)
stonegrody Brooding. Location: CA-USA	I'd say don't remind him but then again, everytime I think someone is going to let me down, they usually do. I wouldn't expect anything for mother's day although it would be a nice gesture. Your birthday, he should remember. You could spare yourself the disappointment and just tell him. Then you can just assume that he would have remembered anyway. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal. All this pain is an illusion. Tool - Parabola

05-04-2005, 09:32 AM	#11 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	If your mother-in-law knows her son well enough, she will take some time to call him and remind him. It's what I would do if it was my son. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

05-04-2005, 09:40 AM	#12 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I'm going to take the opposite opinion... Your birthday is important to you... you want him to remember.. you will be annoyed/hurt/insert the adjective if he doesn't remember... You might even decide to guilt him if he doesn't remember or punish him in some way... That's way too much freakin effort... if you expect something TELL HIM... Begin rant THis is one of those ongoing man/woman battles that drives me absolutely insane.. I know sooo many women who do this... MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.. They are distracted by shiney objects and boobies.. they cant be expected to know what is on your mind and act accordingly unless you tell them. (and I say that will a great deal of affection, I love those lovable lunks) Unless you say it, and tell him, how is he going to know it's important. Special occassions are just not a big deal to m e, I've had my birthday forgotten more times than remembered, it's the every day stuff that what matters... If I wanted something done for my birthday, I'd ask... and subtle hints dont work... Men don't get hints... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-04-2005, 09:44 AM	#13 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	I state affirmitively to Skogafoss if you have a date you need or want me to remember, you must tell me in advance so that I do make sure to remember it, like anniversaries dating and wedding. Wedding anniversary is easy since we picked 02.02.02. Her birthday however I forget the exact date all the time but I know it's usually on a holiday weekend __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

05-04-2005, 10:02 AM	#15 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	I agree with Mal in that women expect too much when they should simply just tell me what they want... My wife and I have a strong relationship because we both don't let things fester. That said, forgetting a birthday is inexcusable. He should not need to be reminded about your birthday or your anniversary. You may want to impress upon him how important these dates are to you but I would never remind him that the date is approaching (at this late a date it is too late to do anything but remind him if you bring it up at all). Personally, I don't forget dates like this... I took my kids out last weekend so they could buy gifts for my wife... we then made cards together. Birthdays and anniversaries are essential to remember if you want to ever be distracted by the shiny objects and boobies to which Mal so rightly draws our attention. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

05-04-2005, 10:45 AM	#18 (permalink)
lindseylatch Addict Location: Seattle, WA	Ok, I have a BIG problem with this...Cause it sounds like a test. Which is stupid and immature. If you want him to remember your birthday, then remind him. If you don't care, then don't. Don't make it into a "well, if he CARED about me, he'd remember it all by himself!" Cause I seriously doubt there's a correlation between his level of affection and his ability to remember a string of (basically arbitrary) numbers. I never remember my dad's birthday, but I still love him and respect him and thinks he's the best dad in the entire world. I'm terrible about dates for shit...that's what calendars are for. They tell me when all the important stuff happens (like days where we get to eat lots of food). Also, as pointed out, the media helps a lot for those other shopping holidays like mother's day and father's day. My mom on the other hand can remember the birthdate of her first dog (ok, slight exageration). Doesn't mean she loves the dog more than I love my dad. The best way to measure someone's affection/love/whatever for you would be to ask them. Don't wait for them to take the initiative, cause they may be waiting for you... so, basically, I agree with Mal... __________________ "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -Voltaire

05-04-2005, 11:24 AM	#21 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Its not like he has to memorize the declaration of independance.....I find no excuse for a S/O (especially if you've been together a long time) to NOT remember your birthday. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

05-04-2005, 12:06 PM	#22 (permalink)
Master_Shake Addict Location: Pennsylvania, USA	Of course, because it's so important to ensure the continued profitability of Hallmark and the bullshit card industry by observing officially-approved arbitrary dates for the celebration of meaningless and inane life milestones. __________________ ------------- You know something, I don't think the sun even... exists... in this place. 'Cause I've been up for hours, and hours, and hours, and the night never ends here.

05-04-2005, 07:08 PM	#24 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	About Mother's Day- truly, he should be honouring HIS mother, and if you have children, encouraging your son/daughter to draw a little picture or something for you. About your birthday- he should know if you're married. If he forgets, you should smack him over the head.

05-04-2005, 07:34 PM	#25 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	I'm the one who forgets birthdays. It's not that I don't know the dates, but I don't pay attention to when they pop up. I'm always reminded that I am not his mother, so from him, I don't get Mother's Day things-that's fine, although if I see something he might want or need, I use Father's Day as a reason to get it. I see your point-to get some recognition for all you are and all you do and to not have to bring it up. Glad you at least asked. Stewing over something that may not come to pass never comes to good. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

05-05-2005, 06:35 PM	#28 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Who said anything about 'buying'? Her children made her cards, which, to me, are even more worthwhile than something from a store. I make all my cards, and made some Christmas gifts as well. Presenting something tangible that comes from the heart is what's being discussed-not cutting into one's budget. As for weddings, while they do tend to get out of control, you do yours your way, some will do it their way-as long as it's to share the occasion of two souls joined-no one said you had to attend, participate or give a shit. At some point in time, the girlfriend is going to wonder, when is he going to show his love,ie: give something because you want her to have a tangible reminder. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

05-05-2005, 07:04 PM	#30 (permalink)
TexanAvenger Born-Again New Guy Location: Unfound.	Remind us. Often times, especially in the case of memory, we have the mental agility of a soap dish.

05-07-2005, 07:31 AM	#31 (permalink)
thingstodo A Storm Is Coming Location: The Great White North	A few things here.... 1. guys can't remember shit 2. what was I saying? Oh, yeah, guys can't remember shit 3. I didn't marry my mother and I only give my mother stuff on mother's day (gave her a copy of The Runaway Bunny this year) 4. we began letting birthdays slide several years ago....who wants to be reminded that they are getting older I give my wife things for other reasons on other days because then it is a surprise. And we usually go out and buy what we want anyway. What's the use of giving someone a list of things you want and then guessing which one they'll get you. As for Hallmark, that's another story!! __________________ If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves. Stangers have the best candy.

05-07-2005, 07:52 AM	#32 (permalink)
Meditrina Junkie Location: LI,NY	My husband does not get me things on other days, he hardly ever surprises me with anything. Maybe that is why my birthday is important to me. But he did not forget. so far my day is really nice. He had to work this morning and emailed me a card, I thought that was out-of-character and really sweet. I do not expect him to get me things for Mother's Day, I am not his mother, but my children are young and need his help if they want to get me things, which they always do. He took them out last night to the store. I can't wait to see what they got me. It was very interesting to hear from both men and women regarding this. I truly appreciate all of your replies and opinions. It helped me figure out what was more important to me, and now my weekend is a good one, not filled with anger or doubt. __________________ "Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

05-07-2005, 08:00 AM	#33 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Birthdays were important way before Hallmark.....Im really getting miffed with the people that say bdays are not important...that they are just another day. I bet you people that say "guys cant remember crap" dont forget your own birthday. I guess Im lucky, Dave never forgets an important date. I will reiterate what I said earlier.....if you are an adult, there is no reason to not remember the birthday of a loved one. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

05-07-2005, 08:52 AM	#34 (permalink)
Rlyss The Pusher Location: Edinburgh	I'm a guy with a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself but I don't think it's too fair to joke about how guys can't remember anything, and that we're stupid and all 'Sports and beer and nothing more complicated that the comics.' I don't forget people's birthdays, I don't know any guys who don't remember their loved ones' birthdays or anniversaries either. Every guy I know is happy to celebrate an anniversary (as long as it's not a one-month thing) and is just as active in the celebrations and planning as their girlfriends. Guys don't forget important things, people do. Sportswidow - you said that as far as you know he didn't get a card or a gift. Is he supposed to say, a few days beforehand, 'Oh by the way, I got your card and gift today'? Shouldn't it be a surprise? I'm sure you know by now whether he got you one, and if he forgot then I'd say he's an exception. Not all guys are like the husband from Married With Children.

05-07-2005, 04:41 PM	#37 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Mal, let me clarify...... Im talking about husbands, wives or S/O's. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

05-07-2005, 04:52 PM	#39 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Well to me it does make a difference.....my birthday is the one day a year I want Dave to remember, vday doesnt mean crap to me, Im not his mother so to me mothers day isnt important as far as he's concerned. And I dont even mean planning anything all that special, Im happy with him just telling me happy birthday. But, I did make sure he was aware that I think birthdays are important, I need not have worried though....once he knows a persons bday....he never forgets it. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

05-07-2005, 05:45 PM	#40 (permalink)
Rlyss The Pusher Location: Edinburgh	Sorry sportswidow, I wasn't saying that you were turning it into a men vs. women debate at all. My comment was more about how it seems ok these days to joke about male simplicity (but you didn't do that at all). Like I said, I know how to laugh at myself and can make jokes about men and all that, but sometimes I feel like there's some trend to make fun of men in an effort to somehow negate the injustice towards women in the pas. I might just be reading too much into it though. On topic though, I wouldn't remind someone outright. If there was an anniversary coming up I'd speak to my partner about how we'd celebrate together. If she forgot then she'd know after that. If my partner did forget I wouldn't take it to heart - if she shows me love in so many ways throughout the rest of the year, failing to do it in a particular way on a particular day isn't going to make me think twice about how she really feels. Like a few others have said, showing it on that one day only would make me worry more than showing it on all others except for that day. And besides, isn't this what calendars are for? I haven't got a calendar now because I have no dates to memorise at the moment, but important dates have always gone straight in the calendar on my wall.