I think my wife is cheating on me... - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Date the Banana · 04-14-2005, 09:09 PM

Let me just add my voice to those offering support.
Haven't had to deal with something like this before, so feel free to ignore my advice, but I think the important thing is not to do anything rash.
Think things through, talk to her, her lawyer, her again...
If it happened to me I would probably never forgive, but I'd like to think I could be civil.
Don't be afraid to reach out, people here will help you.

Best of luck!

indigochild111 · 04-14-2005, 09:32 PM

Just wanted to add another I'm so sorry for you to the list. And to tell you I'm going through a similar experience myself, except I'm the girl. ANd we weren't married so that is...not as bad. I really feel your pain. My boyfriend gave similar excuses, the last few months had been nothing but work. I can't do it right now. I don't love you the same way (which really means I DON'T love you anymore). And then a few days later he told me he had cheated. Just try not to blame yourself or you will drive yourself crazy. And know that everyone here is here for you.

minyn · 04-14-2005, 10:21 PM

Hey Ben - keep taking steps, the sun will shine again. I respect the fact you arent over reacting, but you are keeping level and just doing what needs to be done. She is in the wrong and while asking "what did i do?' will only provide half the answers, cuz the rest of the situation was possibly out of your hands.

We all here wish you the best. we are all thinking and praying and hoping for you.

TheJig · 04-15-2005, 09:38 AM

Hey Ben, hang in there.

My heart dropped out of my chest when I read about your talk with her. I've had girlfriends cheat on me like that before, but I don't think that compares to having a wife cheat on you. Just thinking about having a talk like that with my wife makes me sick to my stomach.

Just remember, you'll get through it. Whether you separate or stay together, the pain will eventually lessen. You've got a lot of people here that have been through the same thing, and most of them will tell you that it sucked, but in the end it was a really good thing.

And don't blame yourself, no matter what she tells you.

joeb1 · 04-15-2005, 09:58 AM

Ben.. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I think what Mal said was spot on!

Take care of yourself. The important thing is you. Your problems will still be there.

You can deal later. Just make sure you are emotionally stable as a person can get in this situation. Then try and deal with it best you can. If it gets to be to much. Just take a step back. Do something for yourself. Get away and sort things out.

You have a lot to deal with. So stay strong, but don't be afraid to cry. The bitterness and anger will be there for a while. Find a way to cope with all the emotions. And for gods sake.. don't keep them bottled up. That's what friends and family are there for. I know it is little consolation. But you are a great person! Hugs to you man.. we as a group, are here if you need someone!

Best of luck!

kutulu · 04-15-2005, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigBen931

I need to find a place to live.
I need to sort out my finances (since everything is joint accounts, joint bills, everything)
I need to pack
I need to sort out who owns what, as far as furniture goes
I need to explain to friends, family what is going on
I need to relax and breathe and not worry about all this stuff at once.

I understand that you want to get out of there but why should you be the one sacfificing right now? By packing, it should mean packing her stuff. Revenge may be shallow but it might make you feel better. When she comes home, all of her stuff should be on the lawn, with CHEATER spray painted across it. SHE fucked things up, she should be the one moving out.

Redlemon · 04-15-2005, 10:12 AM

I have nothing to add to what has been said, except to add my name as someone who is concerned about you and hoping that everything works out as well as it can.

PDOUBLEOP · 04-15-2005, 10:13 AM

Keep your chin up! I know it's easier said than done. This has happened to far too many of us. When it happened to me I thought my world was ending. Now I'm much better off. You will be too. Thank God you don't have any children and go on your "merry" way. Just remember...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

SiN · 04-15-2005, 10:59 AM

all i can say is that you're in my thoughts, and we're here from you.

you don't deserve this. hang on, you will get through it.

*hugs*

JustJess · 04-15-2005, 12:08 PM

Oh, I'm so sorry too. If you can't forgive it, you can't, and so then it's right not to stay in the marriage. But of course, it's so soon to have to make all these decisions. Mal is right - give yourself the time to react fully.
What an awful thing to go through - you'll eventually be stronger and all that, but right now, I'm sorry, it's just going to suck. *hugs*
we're here for you.

Cynthetiq · 04-15-2005, 12:59 PM

damn.... good luck, its not going to be easy.

Schwan · 04-15-2005, 01:40 PM

In all the negativity of this situation I suppouse there's a positive element - you confronted her, you found out about her cheating and you acted the moment you noticed something was wrong. Truly, I don't think much more could have been done, unless you missed any obvious signs before. The whole situation didn't linger about for a longer time than it was needed needed, and you should be at least a bit happy that things turned out that way. I feel very sorry for you, guy.

kramus · 04-15-2005, 01:57 PM

Sorry about the kick in the guts man. When my world dropped out I took a few days to do it, but I made sure I told my boss what I was going through on the hush-hush so if my reactions were a bit off he'd cut me some slack. When I was more comfortable with the reality of my separation (after 24 years of marriage and 4 kids I might add) I got my immediate co-workers together at break and told them short and sweet, and asked them for room as well for the same reasons. I thought that was important, because being with these particular people for the heart of your day means that if you don't cover it all up you give yourself a little room for being naturally upset, and they give you a little room because you need it. Also as has been said and resaid get some solid definition about your property and your responsibilities, and listen to your chosen professional rep if you indeed go that route. And a bit of professional emotional counceling is ok, not to be sneered at, well worth the consideration. Good luck and just keep getting up in the morning.

04-15-2005, 02:11 PM

You need to talk to her some more. Talk about everything. Tell her exactly how you feel and ask all the questions you need answered and share with eachother. I don't know if you can reconcile or if you even want to settle what has happened but for your own health, communicate openly and honestly with her and don't repress your emotions of anger for her sake. She needs to understand how you feel and you need to understand how she feels.

FngKestrel · 04-15-2005, 02:57 PM

Ouch, sorry to hear about your situation Ben. We're here if you need to talk more.

Caranthir · 04-15-2005, 08:34 PM

I'm sorry that this happened to you, you deserved none of this. I hope everything will work out for you in the end.

StarCrossed · 04-15-2005, 09:25 PM

What happened to you, doesnt suprise me. The human race does the craziest things. I just learned; not to be suprised by anything. I know how you are feeling; angry, alone, lost, confused, and sad. The show must go on; dont let a girl ruin your life. Its short enough. Getting past these times are almost near impossible and unbearable, but handle it the best you can. When i get low and sad about my ex, looking at the moon soothes my soul. Good luck, once you get past this hurdle, you will be that much stronger.

RallyEX · 04-15-2005, 10:23 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation Ben, I know you'll be able to sort things out.

I had a situation like yours once with a gf, but I never got a chance to confirm it as she broke up with me before I had the opportunity to find out.

While I'm now married and my wife and I are very faithful to each other, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle a situation like that as well as you appear to be taking it.

Bob Biter · 04-17-2005, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kutulu

I understand that you want to get out of there but why should you be the one sacfificing right now? By packing, it should mean packing her stuff. Revenge may be shallow but it might make you feel better. When she comes home, all of her stuff should be on the lawn, with CHEATER spray painted across it. SHE fucked things up, she should be the one moving out.

Don't think spray painting CHEATER on her stuff and laying it out on the lawn is the thing to do, but I definitely agree that she should be on her way out ASAP, not you. She instigated this and if she found another guy, then she can also find herself another place to live.

I'm really sorry this happened to you and I applaud your emotional fortitude. Going to work the next morning must've been simply brutal. Hang in there, Ben, you're the better person here. Please remember that. We're all here for you.

questone · 04-18-2005, 09:07 AM

I feel your pain man

redlotuss9 · 04-18-2005, 12:19 PM

Hang in there big guy. I'll try to send some sunny thoughts your way.

Charlatan · 04-18-2005, 12:36 PM

Shit Ben... as other have suggested. Just take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

You will make it through this.

My thoughts are with you.

cellophanedeity · 04-19-2005, 05:50 PM

I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you Ben. I'd give you advice if I could, but all I can give is my best wishes.

You'll pull through. You're strong enough, I'm sure.

Sage · 04-19-2005, 07:58 PM

God, I know what a shotgun blast it can be if someone tells you they don't love you anymore, but having someone cheat on you must be like taking a land mine to the chest. Cry, vent, get all that nasty emotion out- it's going to be welling up from a dark place within you for a long time. But that's ok, because eventually that dark place will be all used up, and you won't have any of those feelings anymore. Eventually you'll realize that she's a human being too, and while you had a past together, you've grown out of that point of your life. This is a huge growing time- time to figure out just where your life is going. It's an oppurtunity, alebiet a painful one.

Get her name off of EVERYTHING, RIGHT NOW. Go talk to an attorney- I know it's hard but all you have to do is call one, I'm sure they'll be most helpful because they know you're in emotional distress. They'll tell you the immediate things to do- you need to put the clamp down NOW so she doesn't get all crazy vindictive bitch on your ass later.

Also, try and talk with her, and DON'T bottle anything up! You don't have kids, so that's good, but if you're not careful you'll be ranting about "that crazy bitch of an ex-wife" for the rest of your life. Don't be like that- it's not pretty.

There IS someone out there for you, who will love you with the divine love that Martel and I have found (along with lots of other people!) Keep the faith, be true to yourself- and, as the dean of my boarding school said once-

"Always remember- T.T.T.- THINGS TAKE TIME!"

doncalypso · 04-19-2005, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigBen931

Seriously.

You know when you get that feeling?

I'm getting that feeling.

No, I don't have any evidence, or this thread would be called "I know my wife is cheating on me".

Her attitude, clothing, other stuff has changed.

She has a new 'Friend' and when I ask what she did that day (Normal husband and wife stuff, I am SO not possessive) she says 'Nothing' or 'Not Much' and then I find out that she was hanging with this guy.

She gets all offended, and puts me on the defensive.

Is anyone else going through this? Have any gone through this in the past? Were your feelings confirmed or refuted?

Finally, I don't know where to put this, so I put it here, in Living. It isn't a sexual thing, it's more of a relationship thing.

Comments?

Dude... I hate to break it to you, but she definitely is cheating on you.

The best thing you can do is get a very good lawyer.

TroutKind · 04-19-2005, 08:43 PM

This seems to be a common thread. I have been cheated on by a girlfriend, basically married though and all the signs were there. Do a little research on the web and all the common signs are there. I unfortunately did the research after the fact, but it will make me more aware if it happens again.
Buying new clothes is a big one, being late from work, hanging out with "new" friends. They all add up to infidelity.
I wish that feeling on no one!
Stay strong and wish you the best

Cimarron29414 · 04-27-2005, 08:52 PM

Am I the only one that wishes I had Ben's phone number so I could call him and check up on him?!?!

We haven't heard from him for 13 days now!

Ben,

Keep breathing.
Keep your wits about you as best you can.
Don't burn any bridges and don't flatly reject any offer during "bargaining".
Prepare for EVERY eventuality - you can prepare for separation and reconciliation at the same time.

She had what is called an "exit" affair. In her mind, her marriage was already over, so what difference does it make what she does. If you choose to attempt to reconcile, be sure to remember that because it is very different than other forms of affairs. It speaks volumes about communication, perceptions, and trust.

BigBen · 05-02-2005, 12:55 PM

Got your messages.

Thanks for thinking about me. I was sent off for a course in the Army, and got back yesterday.

Everything is moving along, although I don't think the time away helped any.

We are going to counselling. We both get free counselling through work. I am going to go by myself as well.

I can't throw away the biggest piece of my life like that. I have to try to sort things out, and when all the pieces fit in place (with the help of a neutral third party) I will be able to make a decision properly.

My wife said she called the guy and broke it off. She is sorry, it won't happen again, all that stuff. Then I find out about 5 minutes later she admits that HE CAME OVER TO OUR HOUSE when she called, and she broke it off there. WTF? Did they have a final goodbye fuck using MY SIDE OF THE BED?!?! I was pissed off all over again, and it took me about 3 hours to calm down.

Yep, I need a professional to look at this one.

I really thank you guys for the support. I love TFP.

Elphaba · 05-02-2005, 01:11 PM

I'm glad that you and your wife are seeking counseling. I think in time you would regret not giving your marriage this chance. My best to both of you.

Cynthetiq · 05-02-2005, 01:24 PM

good to hear that it's working out.

I dunno WTF she was thinking having him come over to hear that she's breaking it off.

you don't shit where you eat. period.

Redlemon · 05-02-2005, 01:28 PM

I really hope your wife makes an honest attempt. Be well.

kramus · 05-02-2005, 01:39 PM

Venting is good. Counceling too. The fact that you are past your first tempest is very good. Good luck.

mr sticky · 05-02-2005, 02:00 PM

I just want to go on record saying- THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

You did your job in your marriage- she just decided to quit. Her reasons will NEVER make sense to you. Don't bother over-analyzing this shit. It will just make you crazy.

And while your sitting there, blaming yourself- or trying to figure out what you did to push her away, make sure you read the first line in my post!!!! Again and again...

chickentribs · 05-02-2005, 11:17 PM

Don't chain yourself to the known based on an amount of time. There are a lot of us who moved into wonderful, unknown futures when we wanted to cling to a broken past.

Sage · 05-03-2005, 12:39 PM

On the one hand, congrats on trying to make things work. Too many people just give up when the going gets tough.

HOWEVER-

I wholeheartedly agree with what chickentribs said "There are a lot of us who moved into wonderful, unknown futures when we wanted to cling to a broken past." This happened to me and it was the best thing I've ever done. So, if it's time to say goodbye, do it. A sharp cut heals more quickly than a jagged one.

PDOUBLEOP · 05-04-2005, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sage

On the one hand, congrats on trying to make things work. Too many people just give up when the going gets tough.

HOWEVER-

I wholeheartedly agree with what chickentribs said "There are a lot of us who moved into wonderful, unknown futures when we wanted to cling to a broken past." This happened to me and it was the best thing I've ever done. So, if it's time to say goodbye, do it. A sharp cut heals more quickly than a jagged one.

same for me.

jorgelito · 05-05-2005, 04:35 PM

But how do you do it? HOw does one go about doing it?

hrandani · 05-05-2005, 05:59 PM

Forging ahead. You just make the decision to do it and the little details take care of themselves.

I sincerely admire you, BigBen.

spincycle0 · 05-08-2005, 09:35 PM

I may be out of line here, and I usually am, but the other guy had to have known you were married, hell even came to YOUR HOUSE. In my book that qualifies him for a severe ass beating. Short of that, some states now alow you to sue people for interference with a marriage contract, intentional infliction of emotional distress, etc. Sue this guys ass off and make his life a little slice of hell like he's helped to make yours.

BigBen · 05-09-2005, 06:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spincycle0

I may be out of line here, and I usually am, but the other guy had to have known you were married, hell even came to YOUR HOUSE. In my book that qualifies him for a severe ass beating. Short of that, some states now alow you to sue people for interference with a marriage contract, intentional infliction of emotional distress, etc. Sue this guys ass off and make his life a little slice of hell like he's helped to make yours.

He's a cop. Although I could without a doubt kick his ass 10 ways with my right hand, I would be walking down a bad road.

If I see him, and he makes like nothing happened and is all smiles and shit, he'll go down like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag with a drawstring in the middle.

As far as state law, we don't have that in Canada. I love the TFP, but the legal advice does not help waaaay up here.

BTW, he's married too, and his life is a living hell now. I had a dream of phoning his wife and inviting her over for a rendezvous, just to get even, but I have more self-respect than that.

04-14-2005, 09:09 PM	#41 (permalink)
Date the Banana Insane Location: Japan	Let me just add my voice to those offering support. Haven't had to deal with something like this before, so feel free to ignore my advice, but I think the important thing is not to do anything rash. Think things through, talk to her, her lawyer, her again... If it happened to me I would probably never forgive, but I'd like to think I could be civil. Don't be afraid to reach out, people here will help you. Best of luck! __________________ all work and no play make Date something something

04-14-2005, 09:32 PM	#42 (permalink)
indigochild111 Crazy	Just wanted to add another I'm so sorry for you to the list. And to tell you I'm going through a similar experience myself, except I'm the girl. ANd we weren't married so that is...not as bad. I really feel your pain. My boyfriend gave similar excuses, the last few months had been nothing but work. I can't do it right now. I don't love you the same way (which really means I DON'T love you anymore). And then a few days later he told me he had cheated. Just try not to blame yourself or you will drive yourself crazy. And know that everyone here is here for you. __________________ Breathe out, So I can breathe you in Hold you in

04-14-2005, 10:21 PM	#43 (permalink)
minyn young and in bloom Location: under the bodhi tree.... bling	Hey Ben - keep taking steps, the sun will shine again. I respect the fact you arent over reacting, but you are keeping level and just doing what needs to be done. She is in the wrong and while asking "what did i do?' will only provide half the answers, cuz the rest of the situation was possibly out of your hands. We all here wish you the best. we are all thinking and praying and hoping for you. __________________ "Woke up this morning with a blue moon in my eye" ~A3 "woke up this morning" "Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got." -Janis Joplin

04-15-2005, 09:38 AM	#44 (permalink)
TheJig Crazy Location: The Marmalade Forest	Hey Ben, hang in there. My heart dropped out of my chest when I read about your talk with her. I've had girlfriends cheat on me like that before, but I don't think that compares to having a wife cheat on you. Just thinking about having a talk like that with my wife makes me sick to my stomach. Just remember, you'll get through it. Whether you separate or stay together, the pain will eventually lessen. You've got a lot of people here that have been through the same thing, and most of them will tell you that it sucked, but in the end it was a really good thing. And don't blame yourself, no matter what she tells you. __________________ "Jenny, tell me, do you still walk, do you still get into sandwiches in a big way?" - Flight of the Conchords

04-15-2005, 09:58 AM	#45 (permalink)
joeb1 Crazy Location: Over Yonder	Ben.. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I think what Mal said was spot on! Take care of yourself. The important thing is you. Your problems will still be there. You can deal later. Just make sure you are emotionally stable as a person can get in this situation. Then try and deal with it best you can. If it gets to be to much. Just take a step back. Do something for yourself. Get away and sort things out. You have a lot to deal with. So stay strong, but don't be afraid to cry. The bitterness and anger will be there for a while. Find a way to cope with all the emotions. And for gods sake.. don't keep them bottled up. That's what friends and family are there for. I know it is little consolation. But you are a great person! Hugs to you man.. we as a group, are here if you need someone! Best of luck! __________________ Disco Duck...

04-15-2005, 10:12 AM	#47 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	I have nothing to add to what has been said, except to add my name as someone who is concerned about you and hoping that everything works out as well as it can. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

04-15-2005, 10:13 AM	#48 (permalink)
PDOUBLEOP Insane	Keep your chin up! I know it's easier said than done. This has happened to far too many of us. When it happened to me I thought my world was ending. Now I'm much better off. You will be too. Thank God you don't have any children and go on your "merry" way. Just remember...YOU ARE NOT ALONE! __________________ ef you-you effing ef

04-15-2005, 10:59 AM	#49 (permalink)
SiN strangelove Location: ...more here than there...	all i can say is that you're in my thoughts, and we're here from you. you don't deserve this. hang on, you will get through it. hugs __________________ - + - ° GiRLie GeeK ° - + - ° 01110010011011110110111101110100001000000110110101100101 Therell be days/When Ill stray/I may appear to be/Constantly out of reach/I give in to sin/Because I like to practise what I preach

04-15-2005, 12:08 PM	#50 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	Oh, I'm so sorry too. If you can't forgive it, you can't, and so then it's right not to stay in the marriage. But of course, it's so soon to have to make all these decisions. Mal is right - give yourself the time to react fully. What an awful thing to go through - you'll eventually be stronger and all that, but right now, I'm sorry, it's just going to suck. hugs we're here for you. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

04-15-2005, 12:59 PM	#51 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	damn.... good luck, its not going to be easy. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

04-15-2005, 01:40 PM	#52 (permalink)
Schwan A boy and his dog Location: EU!	In all the negativity of this situation I suppouse there's a positive element - you confronted her, you found out about her cheating and you acted the moment you noticed something was wrong. Truly, I don't think much more could have been done, unless you missed any obvious signs before. The whole situation didn't linger about for a longer time than it was needed needed, and you should be at least a bit happy that things turned out that way. I feel very sorry for you, guy.

04-15-2005, 01:57 PM	#53 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	Sorry about the kick in the guts man. When my world dropped out I took a few days to do it, but I made sure I told my boss what I was going through on the hush-hush so if my reactions were a bit off he'd cut me some slack. When I was more comfortable with the reality of my separation (after 24 years of marriage and 4 kids I might add) I got my immediate co-workers together at break and told them short and sweet, and asked them for room as well for the same reasons. I thought that was important, because being with these particular people for the heart of your day means that if you don't cover it all up you give yourself a little room for being naturally upset, and they give you a little room because you need it. Also as has been said and resaid get some solid definition about your property and your responsibilities, and listen to your chosen professional rep if you indeed go that route. And a bit of professional emotional counceling is ok, not to be sneered at, well worth the consideration. Good luck and just keep getting up in the morning. __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

04-15-2005, 02:11 PM	#54 (permalink)
NotMVH Guest	You need to talk to her some more. Talk about everything. Tell her exactly how you feel and ask all the questions you need answered and share with eachother. I don't know if you can reconcile or if you even want to settle what has happened but for your own health, communicate openly and honestly with her and don't repress your emotions of anger for her sake. She needs to understand how you feel and you need to understand how she feels.

04-15-2005, 02:57 PM	#55 (permalink)
FngKestrel Junkie	Ouch, sorry to hear about your situation Ben. We're here if you need to talk more.

04-15-2005, 08:34 PM	#56 (permalink)
Caranthir Upright	I'm sorry that this happened to you, you deserved none of this. I hope everything will work out for you in the end. __________________ I.

04-15-2005, 09:25 PM	#57 (permalink)
StarCrossed Upright Location: 815click	What happened to you, doesnt suprise me. The human race does the craziest things. I just learned; not to be suprised by anything. I know how you are feeling; angry, alone, lost, confused, and sad. The show must go on; dont let a girl ruin your life. Its short enough. Getting past these times are almost near impossible and unbearable, but handle it the best you can. When i get low and sad about my ex, looking at the moon soothes my soul. Good luck, once you get past this hurdle, you will be that much stronger. Last edited by StarCrossed; 04-15-2005 at 09:28 PM..

04-15-2005, 10:23 PM	#58 (permalink)
RallyEX Tilted Location: Southeast Ohio	Sorry to hear about your situation Ben, I know you'll be able to sort things out. I had a situation like yours once with a gf, but I never got a chance to confirm it as she broke up with me before I had the opportunity to find out. While I'm now married and my wife and I are very faithful to each other, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle a situation like that as well as you appear to be taking it.

04-18-2005, 09:07 AM	#60 (permalink)
questone Crazy	I feel your pain man

04-18-2005, 12:19 PM	#61 (permalink)
redlotuss9 Tilted Location: Pennsylvania	Hang in there big guy. I'll try to send some sunny thoughts your way.

04-18-2005, 12:36 PM	#62 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	Shit Ben... as other have suggested. Just take it one day at a time, one step at a time. You will make it through this. My thoughts are with you. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

04-19-2005, 05:50 PM	#63 (permalink)
cellophanedeity Heliotrope Location: A warm room	I'm so sorry that this had to happen to you Ben. I'd give you advice if I could, but all I can give is my best wishes. You'll pull through. You're strong enough, I'm sure. __________________ who am I to refuse the universe? -Leonard Cohen, Beautiful Losers

04-19-2005, 07:58 PM	#64 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	God, I know what a shotgun blast it can be if someone tells you they don't love you anymore, but having someone cheat on you must be like taking a land mine to the chest. Cry, vent, get all that nasty emotion out- it's going to be welling up from a dark place within you for a long time. But that's ok, because eventually that dark place will be all used up, and you won't have any of those feelings anymore. Eventually you'll realize that she's a human being too, and while you had a past together, you've grown out of that point of your life. This is a huge growing time- time to figure out just where your life is going. It's an oppurtunity, alebiet a painful one. Get her name off of EVERYTHING, RIGHT NOW. Go talk to an attorney- I know it's hard but all you have to do is call one, I'm sure they'll be most helpful because they know you're in emotional distress. They'll tell you the immediate things to do- you need to put the clamp down NOW so she doesn't get all crazy vindictive bitch on your ass later. Also, try and talk with her, and DON'T bottle anything up! You don't have kids, so that's good, but if you're not careful you'll be ranting about "that crazy bitch of an ex-wife" for the rest of your life. Don't be like that- it's not pretty. There IS someone out there for you, who will love you with the divine love that Martel and I have found (along with lots of other people!) Keep the faith, be true to yourself- and, as the dean of my boarding school said once- "Always remember- T.T.T.- THINGS TAKE TIME!" __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi Last edited by Sage; 04-19-2005 at 08:03 PM..

04-19-2005, 08:43 PM	#66 (permalink)
TroutKind Tilted Location: Washington	This seems to be a common thread. I have been cheated on by a girlfriend, basically married though and all the signs were there. Do a little research on the web and all the common signs are there. I unfortunately did the research after the fact, but it will make me more aware if it happens again. Buying new clothes is a big one, being late from work, hanging out with "new" friends. They all add up to infidelity. I wish that feeling on no one! Stay strong and wish you the best

04-27-2005, 08:52 PM	#67 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	Am I the only one that wishes I had Ben's phone number so I could call him and check up on him?!?! We haven't heard from him for 13 days now! Ben, Keep breathing. Keep your wits about you as best you can. Don't burn any bridges and don't flatly reject any offer during "bargaining". Prepare for EVERY eventuality - you can prepare for separation and reconciliation at the same time. She had what is called an "exit" affair. In her mind, her marriage was already over, so what difference does it make what she does. If you choose to attempt to reconcile, be sure to remember that because it is very different than other forms of affairs. It speaks volumes about communication, perceptions, and trust. __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

05-02-2005, 12:55 PM	#68 (permalink)
BigBen Comedian Location: Use the search button	Got your messages. Thanks for thinking about me. I was sent off for a course in the Army, and got back yesterday. Everything is moving along, although I don't think the time away helped any. We are going to counselling. We both get free counselling through work. I am going to go by myself as well. I can't throw away the biggest piece of my life like that. I have to try to sort things out, and when all the pieces fit in place (with the help of a neutral third party) I will be able to make a decision properly. My wife said she called the guy and broke it off. She is sorry, it won't happen again, all that stuff. Then I find out about 5 minutes later she admits that HE CAME OVER TO OUR HOUSE when she called, and she broke it off there. WTF? Did they have a final goodbye fuck using MY SIDE OF THE BED?!?! I was pissed off all over again, and it took me about 3 hours to calm down. Yep, I need a professional to look at this one. I really thank you guys for the support. I love TFP. __________________ 3.141592654 Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.

05-02-2005, 01:11 PM	#69 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	I'm glad that you and your wife are seeking counseling. I think in time you would regret not giving your marriage this chance. My best to both of you.

05-02-2005, 01:24 PM	#70 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	good to hear that it's working out. I dunno WTF she was thinking having him come over to hear that she's breaking it off. you don't shit where you eat. period. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

05-02-2005, 01:28 PM	#71 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	I really hope your wife makes an honest attempt. Be well. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

05-02-2005, 01:39 PM	#72 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	Venting is good. Counceling too. The fact that you are past your first tempest is very good. Good luck. __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

05-02-2005, 02:00 PM	#73 (permalink)
mr sticky Psycho Location: NC	I just want to go on record saying- THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You did your job in your marriage- she just decided to quit. Her reasons will NEVER make sense to you. Don't bother over-analyzing this shit. It will just make you crazy. And while your sitting there, blaming yourself- or trying to figure out what you did to push her away, make sure you read the first line in my post!!!! Again and again... __________________ The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

05-02-2005, 11:17 PM	#74 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	Don't chain yourself to the known based on an amount of time. There are a lot of us who moved into wonderful, unknown futures when we wanted to cling to a broken past. __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W.

05-03-2005, 12:39 PM	#75 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	On the one hand, congrats on trying to make things work. Too many people just give up when the going gets tough. HOWEVER- I wholeheartedly agree with what chickentribs said "There are a lot of us who moved into wonderful, unknown futures when we wanted to cling to a broken past." This happened to me and it was the best thing I've ever done. So, if it's time to say goodbye, do it. A sharp cut heals more quickly than a jagged one. __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

05-05-2005, 04:35 PM	#77 (permalink)
jorgelito All important elusive independent swing voter... Location: People's Republic of KKKalifornia	But how do you do it? HOw does one go about doing it?

05-05-2005, 05:59 PM	#78 (permalink)
hrandani Insane	Forging ahead. You just make the decision to do it and the little details take care of themselves. I sincerely admire you, BigBen.

05-08-2005, 09:35 PM	#79 (permalink)
spincycle0 Upright	I may be out of line here, and I usually am, but the other guy had to have known you were married, hell even came to YOUR HOUSE. In my book that qualifies him for a severe ass beating. Short of that, some states now alow you to sue people for interference with a marriage contract, intentional infliction of emotional distress, etc. Sue this guys ass off and make his life a little slice of hell like he's helped to make yours.