Social Dilemma - could use some advice - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Squishor · 03-16-2005, 07:34 PM

Yesterday I received an invitation I have no desire to take the person up on, and I can't figure out how to politely decline without hurting her feelings.

It seems a bit ludicrous that I can't find my way through this situation, having had some experience in life, but this one kind of has me stumped.

The woman is someone I trained at my job several months ago, and as it happened I was going through a really hard time and ended up confiding in her and crying. She was very kind and has been quite supportive. I normally wouldn't open up this much to a trainee, but I couldn't help it because I was very emotional at the time. She didn't work out in the job but knows how to contact me, and has been in touch.

I got an invitation from her in the mail yesterday, to go to a play her church is putting on. I am not going to go to the play, and have no desire to go to her church. I have already declined some offers on her part, and have indicated that I'm not interested in her church activities, while trying to remain respectful and tolerant. I actually have rather strong feelings about it but don't want to be rude and say how I really feel - it would just hurt her needlessly.

I can't come up with some excuse because the thing is running for a month or so. I can't say I'm busy that night because there are many other nights. I don't want to be rude and tell her what I think about her church events, and I can't think of how I would decline honestly and still be nice. I have to admit, I have a real "people-pleaser" personality and can't stand the thought of being rude to her.

I feel that she has put me in a really awkward position. Unfortunately, I feel like she is trying to push her religion on me in the guise of being friendly. Any suggestions?

Sage · 03-16-2005, 07:47 PM

People and churches are funny things. Some people feel like they're not doing their duty to God if they don't try to get everyone they know in the same boat with them. Telling her what you think of her and her church-going ways ISN'T the way to handle this with grace and civility. Simply send her a card back, saying that you are flattered that she would invite you, but that you are not currently interested in this kind of social activity. Be polite, precise, and pleasing. Some church-going people simply will not take no for an answer to their well-meant invitations to church, so expect her to try and invite you to church again. However, in this case, you just want to tell her nicely and simply that you aren't interested in seeing the play, but that in no way is a reflection on her.

If all else fails, tell her you think that frivilous enteretainment is Satan's foothold in the world, and you refuse to have anything more to do with her or her church for suggesting it in the first place.

maleficent · 03-16-2005, 07:50 PM

Tell her that you have a problem with organized religion, while you would gladly support her (if that's the case) you can't bring yourself to go into a church, or support church events.

You do not need to go into reasons, just a simple statement and leave it at that. Don't leave the door open for questions on her part.

If you want to be friends with her, then make alternate arrangements to meet up for a drink, or lunch or dinner some time in the future. If you don't wish to see this woman again, then don't say anything.

ironmaiden7o7 · 03-16-2005, 10:36 PM

Be honest, just tell her how you feel about the situation, bottom line.

Squishor · 03-16-2005, 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ironmaiden7o7

Be honest, just tell her how you feel about the situation, bottom line.

Hoo boy, you don't know how I feel! If I told her how I really feel I'd feel like a real bitch!

Thanks for the advice, I think I may do what Mal said and simply put it in terms of organized religion (which is true by the way) without getting into any specifics on my feelings about her particular religion. I don't know if I should take the initiative or just wait and see if she calls and then deal with it.

I don't really need to be friends with this woman, I just want to be nice since she was so kind to me when I needed it. I also do make a point of behaving in a respectful manner when it comes to others' religious beliefs.

lurkette · 03-17-2005, 07:08 AM

You could just say something like "I really appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I'm not comfortable attending religions events" and leave it at that.

03-16-2005, 07:34 PM	#1 (permalink)
Squishor Frontal Lobe Location: California	Social Dilemma - could use some advice Yesterday I received an invitation I have no desire to take the person up on, and I can't figure out how to politely decline without hurting her feelings. It seems a bit ludicrous that I can't find my way through this situation, having had some experience in life, but this one kind of has me stumped. The woman is someone I trained at my job several months ago, and as it happened I was going through a really hard time and ended up confiding in her and crying. She was very kind and has been quite supportive. I normally wouldn't open up this much to a trainee, but I couldn't help it because I was very emotional at the time. She didn't work out in the job but knows how to contact me, and has been in touch. I got an invitation from her in the mail yesterday, to go to a play her church is putting on. I am not going to go to the play, and have no desire to go to her church. I have already declined some offers on her part, and have indicated that I'm not interested in her church activities, while trying to remain respectful and tolerant. I actually have rather strong feelings about it but don't want to be rude and say how I really feel - it would just hurt her needlessly. I can't come up with some excuse because the thing is running for a month or so. I can't say I'm busy that night because there are many other nights. I don't want to be rude and tell her what I think about her church events, and I can't think of how I would decline honestly and still be nice. I have to admit, I have a real "people-pleaser" personality and can't stand the thought of being rude to her. I feel that she has put me in a really awkward position. Unfortunately, I feel like she is trying to push her religion on me in the guise of being friendly. Any suggestions?

03-16-2005, 07:47 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	People and churches are funny things. Some people feel like they're not doing their duty to God if they don't try to get everyone they know in the same boat with them. Telling her what you think of her and her church-going ways ISN'T the way to handle this with grace and civility. Simply send her a card back, saying that you are flattered that she would invite you, but that you are not currently interested in this kind of social activity. Be polite, precise, and pleasing. Some church-going people simply will not take no for an answer to their well-meant invitations to church, so expect her to try and invite you to church again. However, in this case, you just want to tell her nicely and simply that you aren't interested in seeing the play, but that in no way is a reflection on her. If all else fails, tell her you think that frivilous enteretainment is Satan's foothold in the world, and you refuse to have anything more to do with her or her church for suggesting it in the first place. __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

03-16-2005, 07:50 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Tell her that you have a problem with organized religion, while you would gladly support her (if that's the case) you can't bring yourself to go into a church, or support church events. You do not need to go into reasons, just a simple statement and leave it at that. Don't leave the door open for questions on her part. If you want to be friends with her, then make alternate arrangements to meet up for a drink, or lunch or dinner some time in the future. If you don't wish to see this woman again, then don't say anything. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

03-17-2005, 07:08 AM	#6 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	You could just say something like "I really appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I'm not comfortable attending religions events" and leave it at that. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

03-16-2005, 10:36 PM	#4 (permalink)
ironmaiden7o7 Insane Location: NYC	Be honest, just tell her how you feel about the situation, bottom line.