What to do about jealousy? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

MEAD · 03-06-2005, 10:32 PM

I have to admit now, I never veiwed myself as a jealous guy, I think as a kid I was highly obnoxious and wanted everything that anyone else had. But I thought I matured out of that, however now it feels as if I didn't mature but just grew dormant and lifeless. I feel as if through my most of my teen years I just shut down as a person and stopped growing emotionaly. Though since I have found a girl I truly am in love with, it all seems to have come bleeding back into me. Now to find someone who can do this for me is wonderful, however what has come back to me are the emotions of a child. I find myself getting very jealous because of her and I'm sick and tired of that feeling. Because I get angry and it seems as if I shut down any other feeling excpet anger. How do I go about growing out of this?

TheWalkinDude · 03-07-2005, 12:54 AM

Jealousy completely fucked up my last relationship. I was completely in love with her, but I got jealous because she kept seeing some guy who was seriously infatuated with her. When it got to the point where she was seeing him more than me I started to get angry, and in the last month she has left me and started going out with him.

I don't know if this is the result of my jealousy or if it would have happened anyway, but I can tell you that if you really love this girl, and she loves you back, you should never feel jealous of her having a life apart from you. Trust me, you don't want to make the same mistake I did.

BabySealClubber · 03-07-2005, 10:58 AM

WalkinDude, your story seems to me like you had a little reason to be jealous...

Anyway, yeah, I had one jealous mess of a relationship not too long ago. We were both incredibly controlling of each other, and got worked up over the other talking to other people. Believe me, the best way to go is to not worry about something until it is actually worth worrying about. I had the conversation with my girlfriend about how I was going to have my life and friends, and I expected her to have hers, but I did add that I considered anything that we wouldn't want the other to know about as cheating. Since then, things are great.

maleficent · 03-08-2005, 06:23 AM

In almost all cases of jealousy, it stems from low self esteem on the part of the person who is acting jealous. If you have confidence in yourself and your abilities, and know you are doing everything you can then you have absolutely no reason to be jealous.

Somethings are just not meant to be, but with a healthy dose of confidence, you'll find perspective.

Gilda · 03-08-2005, 11:40 AM

In addition to what maleficent said about low self-esteem, jealousy is also about mistrust. When you show jealousy, you aren't telling your girlfriend you love her, you're telling her you don't trust her. This can only serve to drive you apart.

Tell yourself that she's a good person, that's why you chose her, and you can trust her to be loyal to you. Give her space, trust that she chose you to begin with, and she'll continue to do so as long as you support and trust her.

MEAD · 03-09-2005, 10:30 AM

I think I have to clarify our situation, the jealousy is aggrivated becuase we are long distance right now, its never been a problem when we are together.

maleficent · 03-09-2005, 11:01 AM

That really has it stand out that it's one of two things that's causing the jealousy...

1. lack of trust. She's out of your line of sight, and you are out of hers, so therefor you don't know what she's doing, you might not be communicating as often as you used to, so you might be imagining things that arent there.

2. Lack of confidence. You might not think that you are worthy of her waiting for you, that her head might be turned by the other fellas.

Have faith in yourself and your relationship. Remind yourself that you love her,and if you are sure that she feels the same way... Believe in that.

MEAD · 03-09-2005, 11:34 AM

Thanks for giving me your time, I really apperciate it, honestly. I can't arugue any part of it, you are right. I do lack confidence about my realtionships. I used to be, and still mainly am, very introverted and interested in entertaining myself while I'm alone by having lots of hobbies, so I think it's still quite amazing sometimes that I am able to be so, unexplainibly connected to her. In that regard we are different, shes a social person who needs others around her. And I realize now that I'm getting upset with her mainly because she's not acting like I am. I guess I'm ashamed at being so reserved and lonesome, and then having her be so different, makes my faults aparent to me. I do need that confidence you speak of, lol.
I feel as if I have turned this sadness about being apart into jealousy and anger. So I've in a sense avoided dealing with it by just shifting how I feel about it. I guess I decided that it was easier to get mad and saturate myself in anger rather than be sad. Oh well, I care too much about her and our realtionship to let this get in the way. Thank you for just laying it down for me.

maleficent · 03-09-2005, 11:43 AM

Just remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder... Even if you aren't in each other's face all the time, doesn't mean that you are out of their thoughts. There are ways to communicate on a regular basis even if you aren't across the street.

lindseylatch · 03-09-2005, 12:44 PM

therapy...

MEAD · 03-09-2005, 12:59 PM

Kinda a nut am I?

skysooner · 03-09-2005, 03:37 PM

As you have realized, jealousy is more about you than her. What you have to remember about relationships is that if you two are meant to be with each other it will work out. You can certainly help the situation by talking a bunch and sharing as much time together as possible. Jealousy just takes away from the pleasure of the relationship. If it isn't going to work out, she is going to leave you or you will leave her regardless of your jealousy. Enjoy the relationship for what it is and the time you are together rather than focusing on what could happen. I spent a bunch of time when I was younger getting jealous, and it was all about me feeling insecure about my desirability in my SO's eyes. Once I met the right woman, it all worked out.

ironmaiden7o7 · 03-14-2005, 04:00 PM

Jealousy is a bitch. I am so lucky that my guy isn't jealous. I am not the jealous type either, but there is this one whore that I don't appreciate much, she is so disrespectful and caused a lot of pain in our relationship, I am not jealous of her, but she does get under my skin, I cannot tolerate her. I know it must be hard on your to deal with such an issue and it seems to be that it is your problem and not hers. You definitely need to speak to someone about this because it will ruin your relationship. Especially since you've experienced this problem since you were a kid, you need to take it into account, anger is a bad thing and it needs to be taken cared of. Good luck dear.

thatoneguy · 03-14-2005, 05:13 PM

I know how the jealousy thing goes, I can get that way sometimes, but I really don't have that issue unless there's a good reason. I tend to let things happen, there's no point being paranoid about everything someone else does all the time, you'll just drive yourself crazy.

Long distance relationships are another thing altogether, those are really hard. I've tried that, and I really don't want to do it again. Not being able to see the other person is not that fun, it just presents a lot of issues (like this one) that I prefer not to deal with. I totally respect people who make those work, because they are just that: work.

I suppose I'd just say, like everyone else it seems like, make sure you communicate well, and just try to let things happen. I really hate the "if it's meant to be, it will work out" cliche, because it's not quite that simple, but it's like I say, getting all worked up over things you can't control will just drive you insane.

Seeker · 03-14-2005, 06:49 PM

I think jealousy occurs when you are uncertain about yourself. Jealousy = insecurity... what would you lose if you lost her? If you can pinpoint this you may have the chance to overcome these feelings. I'm hoping this offers some assistance

MEAD · 03-14-2005, 07:12 PM

I got to see her for a little bit over my spring break, and I was happy to find that when with her, everything felt right and I was in love with her as strongly as ever, and to Seeker, if I lost her I'd lose a person who I wanted so much that I came out of my shell to be with her, and a person who brings out the best stuff in me and has helped me learn more about myself. I'd lose someone who has helped me communicate with my family better and made me realize that I do want to get married and have a family, not just be alone. I have looked rather at times and totaly forgot about time and thought that this moment might as well be 20 or 30 years from now, and I be just as happy. I'd lose someone who I know that I care about unconditionaly, no matter what I'm feelnig or what state our relationship is in if I see that she needs me I instantly switch modes and try my best to make things better for her., I'd lose someone I can talk to everyday for hours and not get bored, and who (when we are together) I can just lie with and not say a word and feel completely comfortable. I'd someone I'd spend every waking mintue with. I''d lose someone who truly loves me and has stuck with me through this all, someone who went into this long distance realtionship before I even told her I loved her.

maleficent · 03-14-2005, 07:23 PM

Quote:

I''d lose someone who truly loves me and has stuck with me through this all, someone who went into this long distance realtionship before I even told her I loved her.

So then that should give you the confidence in your relationship that you are lookng for. She's been there thru the good and bad... She's sticking withj you... Why be jealous then?

Seeker · 03-14-2005, 07:42 PM

I'm blown away!

Still, if she were not there to support everything you have learned and come to see in this perspective, would all that be negated? Who would you be now for knowing her? If she were to walk out of your life at this very moment - who would you become? ...can you see where I'm coming from?

MEAD · 03-14-2005, 08:54 PM

Oh yes, I know what you mean. And I'd be crushed for a while becuase all the thoughts and plans I had for the future will have been smashed, and I be in a serious lack for someone I can talk to everything about. Really I'm with her because I choose to be and that I am drawn to her I cannot help but care for her it just turned out that way.

Seeker · 03-14-2005, 11:43 PM

So in this instance your jealousy is a fear being expressed - so when you feel jealous would it help to remember it is actually a fear and address it from that perspective?

(I realise this is all a hypothetical as your recent visit has helped,

)

03-06-2005, 10:32 PM	#1 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	What to do about jealousy? I have to admit now, I never veiwed myself as a jealous guy, I think as a kid I was highly obnoxious and wanted everything that anyone else had. But I thought I matured out of that, however now it feels as if I didn't mature but just grew dormant and lifeless. I feel as if through my most of my teen years I just shut down as a person and stopped growing emotionaly. Though since I have found a girl I truly am in love with, it all seems to have come bleeding back into me. Now to find someone who can do this for me is wonderful, however what has come back to me are the emotions of a child. I find myself getting very jealous because of her and I'm sick and tired of that feeling. Because I get angry and it seems as if I shut down any other feeling excpet anger. How do I go about growing out of this?

03-07-2005, 10:58 AM	#3 (permalink)
BabySealClubber Upright	WalkinDude, your story seems to me like you had a little reason to be jealous... Anyway, yeah, I had one jealous mess of a relationship not too long ago. We were both incredibly controlling of each other, and got worked up over the other talking to other people. Believe me, the best way to go is to not worry about something until it is actually worth worrying about. I had the conversation with my girlfriend about how I was going to have my life and friends, and I expected her to have hers, but I did add that I considered anything that we wouldn't want the other to know about as cheating. Since then, things are great. __________________ I like my women like I like my coffee... in a sack tied to the back of a donkey

03-08-2005, 06:23 AM	#4 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	In almost all cases of jealousy, it stems from low self esteem on the part of the person who is acting jealous. If you have confidence in yourself and your abilities, and know you are doing everything you can then you have absolutely no reason to be jealous. Somethings are just not meant to be, but with a healthy dose of confidence, you'll find perspective. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

03-09-2005, 11:01 AM	#7 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	That really has it stand out that it's one of two things that's causing the jealousy... 1. lack of trust. She's out of your line of sight, and you are out of hers, so therefor you don't know what she's doing, you might not be communicating as often as you used to, so you might be imagining things that arent there. 2. Lack of confidence. You might not think that you are worthy of her waiting for you, that her head might be turned by the other fellas. Have faith in yourself and your relationship. Remind yourself that you love her,and if you are sure that she feels the same way... Believe in that. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

03-09-2005, 11:34 AM	#8 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	Thanks for giving me your time, I really apperciate it, honestly. I can't arugue any part of it, you are right. I do lack confidence about my realtionships. I used to be, and still mainly am, very introverted and interested in entertaining myself while I'm alone by having lots of hobbies, so I think it's still quite amazing sometimes that I am able to be so, unexplainibly connected to her. In that regard we are different, shes a social person who needs others around her. And I realize now that I'm getting upset with her mainly because she's not acting like I am. I guess I'm ashamed at being so reserved and lonesome, and then having her be so different, makes my faults aparent to me. I do need that confidence you speak of, lol. I feel as if I have turned this sadness about being apart into jealousy and anger. So I've in a sense avoided dealing with it by just shifting how I feel about it. I guess I decided that it was easier to get mad and saturate myself in anger rather than be sad. Oh well, I care too much about her and our realtionship to let this get in the way. Thank you for just laying it down for me. Last edited by MEAD; 03-09-2005 at 11:50 AM..

03-07-2005, 12:54 AM	#2 (permalink)
TheWalkinDude Crazy	Jealousy completely fucked up my last relationship. I was completely in love with her, but I got jealous because she kept seeing some guy who was seriously infatuated with her. When it got to the point where she was seeing him more than me I started to get angry, and in the last month she has left me and started going out with him. I don't know if this is the result of my jealousy or if it would have happened anyway, but I can tell you that if you really love this girl, and she loves you back, you should never feel jealous of her having a life apart from you. Trust me, you don't want to make the same mistake I did.

03-08-2005, 11:40 AM	#5 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	In addition to what maleficent said about low self-esteem, jealousy is also about mistrust. When you show jealousy, you aren't telling your girlfriend you love her, you're telling her you don't trust her. This can only serve to drive you apart. Tell yourself that she's a good person, that's why you chose her, and you can trust her to be loyal to you. Give her space, trust that she chose you to begin with, and she'll continue to do so as long as you support and trust her.

03-09-2005, 10:30 AM	#6 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	I think I have to clarify our situation, the jealousy is aggrivated becuase we are long distance right now, its never been a problem when we are together.

03-09-2005, 11:43 AM	#9 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Just remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder... Even if you aren't in each other's face all the time, doesn't mean that you are out of their thoughts. There are ways to communicate on a regular basis even if you aren't across the street. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

03-09-2005, 12:44 PM	#10 (permalink)
lindseylatch Addict Location: Seattle, WA	therapy... __________________ "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." "It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong." -Voltaire

03-09-2005, 12:59 PM	#11 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	Kinda a nut am I?

03-09-2005, 03:37 PM	#12 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	As you have realized, jealousy is more about you than her. What you have to remember about relationships is that if you two are meant to be with each other it will work out. You can certainly help the situation by talking a bunch and sharing as much time together as possible. Jealousy just takes away from the pleasure of the relationship. If it isn't going to work out, she is going to leave you or you will leave her regardless of your jealousy. Enjoy the relationship for what it is and the time you are together rather than focusing on what could happen. I spent a bunch of time when I was younger getting jealous, and it was all about me feeling insecure about my desirability in my SO's eyes. Once I met the right woman, it all worked out.

03-14-2005, 04:00 PM	#13 (permalink)
ironmaiden7o7 Insane Location: NYC	Jealousy is a bitch. I am so lucky that my guy isn't jealous. I am not the jealous type either, but there is this one whore that I don't appreciate much, she is so disrespectful and caused a lot of pain in our relationship, I am not jealous of her, but she does get under my skin, I cannot tolerate her. I know it must be hard on your to deal with such an issue and it seems to be that it is your problem and not hers. You definitely need to speak to someone about this because it will ruin your relationship. Especially since you've experienced this problem since you were a kid, you need to take it into account, anger is a bad thing and it needs to be taken cared of. Good luck dear.

03-14-2005, 05:13 PM	#14 (permalink)
thatoneguy Crazy Location: Omaha, NE	I know how the jealousy thing goes, I can get that way sometimes, but I really don't have that issue unless there's a good reason. I tend to let things happen, there's no point being paranoid about everything someone else does all the time, you'll just drive yourself crazy. Long distance relationships are another thing altogether, those are really hard. I've tried that, and I really don't want to do it again. Not being able to see the other person is not that fun, it just presents a lot of issues (like this one) that I prefer not to deal with. I totally respect people who make those work, because they are just that: work. I suppose I'd just say, like everyone else it seems like, make sure you communicate well, and just try to let things happen. I really hate the "if it's meant to be, it will work out" cliche, because it's not quite that simple, but it's like I say, getting all worked up over things you can't control will just drive you insane. __________________ "Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"

03-14-2005, 06:49 PM	#15 (permalink)
Seeker Getting Clearer Location: with spirit	I think jealousy occurs when you are uncertain about yourself. Jealousy = insecurity... what would you lose if you lost her? If you can pinpoint this you may have the chance to overcome these feelings. I'm hoping this offers some assistance

03-14-2005, 07:12 PM	#16 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	I got to see her for a little bit over my spring break, and I was happy to find that when with her, everything felt right and I was in love with her as strongly as ever, and to Seeker, if I lost her I'd lose a person who I wanted so much that I came out of my shell to be with her, and a person who brings out the best stuff in me and has helped me learn more about myself. I'd lose someone who has helped me communicate with my family better and made me realize that I do want to get married and have a family, not just be alone. I have looked rather at times and totaly forgot about time and thought that this moment might as well be 20 or 30 years from now, and I be just as happy. I'd lose someone who I know that I care about unconditionaly, no matter what I'm feelnig or what state our relationship is in if I see that she needs me I instantly switch modes and try my best to make things better for her., I'd lose someone I can talk to everyday for hours and not get bored, and who (when we are together) I can just lie with and not say a word and feel completely comfortable. I'd someone I'd spend every waking mintue with. I''d lose someone who truly loves me and has stuck with me through this all, someone who went into this long distance realtionship before I even told her I loved her. __________________ Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die. "That's it, send out the ninjas!" "So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

03-14-2005, 07:42 PM	#18 (permalink)
Seeker Getting Clearer Location: with spirit	I'm blown away! Still, if she were not there to support everything you have learned and come to see in this perspective, would all that be negated? Who would you be now for knowing her? If she were to walk out of your life at this very moment - who would you become? ...can you see where I'm coming from?

03-14-2005, 08:54 PM	#19 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	Oh yes, I know what you mean. And I'd be crushed for a while becuase all the thoughts and plans I had for the future will have been smashed, and I be in a serious lack for someone I can talk to everything about. Really I'm with her because I choose to be and that I am drawn to her I cannot help but care for her it just turned out that way. __________________ Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die. "That's it, send out the ninjas!" "So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

03-14-2005, 11:43 PM	#20 (permalink)
Seeker Getting Clearer Location: with spirit	So in this instance your jealousy is a fear being expressed - so when you feel jealous would it help to remember it is actually a fear and address it from that perspective? (I realise this is all a hypothetical as your recent visit has helped, )