There must be something seriously wrong with me - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Washington · 05-22-2003, 01:36 PM

edited for anonymity.

Lebell · 05-22-2003, 01:58 PM

My best advice:

Start doing things you like to do, whatever that is. It might be theater, choir, sports, year book, newspaper, etc.

Just start doing it. You'll find other people that share your interest. Some of them will be girls. Just be yourself and be FRIENDS with these PEOPLE (girls). You might be surprised what happens from there.

People can sense desperation and they generally shy away from it. If you come across as "Desperately Seeking Girlfriend" they will know. But if you are just being a friend, well, this is how all good relationships start.

Good luck to you

cheerios · 05-22-2003, 04:02 PM

I second that!! Arent there girls @ the gym? do you live in a dorm? offer to run w/ one of hte girls so they'll be safer? do stuff you LIKE! it'll give you common ground to start on. For me'n Juan, it was a metallica T-shirt. really, can be ANYTHING. see something interesting? ask about it. Ask about the homework due tuesday, WHATEVER!

and not having a gf or a date is not un-normal, just means you're still gettin' comfortable w/ yourself. And when that first chick shoots you down, DO NOT GIVE UP! Keep trying, I promise we're not ALL evil.

ps: don't be too aggressive. you're a big guy. you'd tower over my by a foot, to give you an idea. You're gonna have to be gentler to get around that tough guy first-impression you're going to make, just by walking up. unless that's what you're looking for, of course, but remember that large strong men who are aggressive tend to look scary. (to me, at least, but this IS personal opinion, so, take it w/ a grain of salt.)

Washington · 05-22-2003, 05:42 PM

Thanks for your replies you two :}

As far as the gym...its not that type of scene...its a very hardcore gym...its entirely weights (no aerobic) and everyone there is either a 30-50 something powerlifter dude whos been doing it for years or females that look like men (and are a lot older than me) maybe I should switch gyms.

I live with my parents (i get free tuition since my mother is a professor but only if I live at home).

I am extremely active. I mountain bike. I run. I workout.

I am a ski instructor in the (i take off spring semester and move out west for a few months) and teach skiing in Utah. But im not 21. and all of my co-workers are...so i couldnt go make friends at the bar after work....

In the summer I mountain bike and do adventure racing (like eco-challenge but much smaller)....but i still have the same problem...i cant find anyone to mountain bike with so I just go by myself.

I think its that even though I am not fat anymore, i still think of myself as fat and unwanted because this was how i was treated for many years.

I had a running partner that I met in Physics Lab but she moved away.

it just seems there is always a reason....maybe i am looking to hard for the reasons. I dunno

Lebell · 05-22-2003, 10:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Washington

I think its that even though I am not fat anymore, i still think of myself as fat and unwanted because this was how i was treated for many years.

You just hit it on the head, brother.

TRUST ME when I say, at least 75% of this battle isn't over looks, it's over self confidence. I'm overweight, but I tend to be very confident in myself and that is what carries the day.

My friend, who sounds like an older version of you (at least the mountain biking and skiing) is a very handsome guy, but he has loads of trouble dating. 3 guesses why and the first 2 don't count.

Here's the secret I use. PRETEND you're confident. PRETEND you're a super friendly great guy. If you do this long enough, pretty soon you'll believe it.

DelayedReaction · 05-22-2003, 11:14 PM

If you're not happy with yourself, you certainly won't be happy with someone else. Get yourself involved in the things you enjoy, and go out and find others who have similar interests. You're a ski instructor? I'm sure your school has a ski club. Or hell, start one if there isn't.

The best thing you can do is actively involve yourself in things you enjoy, and stop actively hunting for a girlfriend. The second you stop looking and just enjoy yourself will be the second right before you meet someone.

Now if only I could follow my own advice. Or at least get to the gym first.

Slims · 05-23-2003, 12:22 AM

Join a club, that helps. And social skills need to be developed through practice. I was like you until I came to college, and now I hang out with lots of people and have become, to my complete surprise, somewhat of an extrovert.

rogue49 · 05-23-2003, 09:10 AM

Relax, be yourself.
Enjoy, be yourself.
Smile, be yourself.
Talk, be yourself.

Once you have that down, stop putting girls on a pedestal in your mind.
Get over your anxiety & anxiousness
And then after you've just chatted for a bit, ask them to something CASUAL.
They might say no, oh well, their loss.
They might say yes, cool
And then it’s a whole NEW game then.

Then the same rules apply, just be yourself, enjoy, have fun.
But you have to put yourself out there.

How do I know this?
Because I used to be just like you.

It's amazing how things change when you are relaxed & smiling.

Tirian · 05-23-2003, 09:50 AM

I was going to ask if there were women at the gym as well. My buddy met his wife at the gym.

Maybe try working out at a less hard-core gym for a while. You could meet poeple, and work out at the same time.

Washington · 05-23-2003, 10:13 AM

Thanks for the advice everyone...I really appreciate it.

I am going to a 18+ club tonight I think (if I can work up the nerve to go by myself) and just see if I can do that scene...

I like the idea of asking them to something casual...could you give me some suggestions? I dont know of any parties (never have)....

where could I ask someone to?

I guess what I want to say is that I am involved with things i enjoy...

I run
I bike
I ski
I skydive
I compete in adventure racing

But i dont know anyone to ask to do these things with me.... they are all solo activites for me.

HeyAgain · 05-23-2003, 10:30 AM

Ask them to join you for a drink or a cup of coffee. Coffee is better, since both parties are alert when communicating.

As for the activities, aren't there clubs in your city/town that meet up to participate in these events as a group.

denim · 05-23-2003, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Tirian
Maybe try working out at a less hard-core gym for a while. You could meet poeple, and work out at the same time.

And you'll probably be more impressive in a gym where people aren't in as good shape as you, rather than where you are now where you sound like you're probably feeling inadaquate compared to those 30-50-somethings with 20 to 30 years of body building behind them.

Instead of being a little (well, smaller) fish in a pond full of pirranah, be a tough fish in a pond of goldfish.

Or compare yourself to me: I'm 38, 300lbs and 5'10". You sound like you're in a much better position!

bondagegirl · 05-23-2003, 12:57 PM

Hey Washington,
You said something about going to an 18+ club. then you said what casual thing should you ask a girl out to... Theres your answer.
I always think it's cute to be asked to do something silly and different though. Like if you like bowling at all, ask a girl to go with you. Or even if you don't, go anyway and you can learn together.

Btw hope you go to the club tonight! Have fun, and relax, thats the best advice.

bondagegirl · 05-23-2003, 01:03 PM

Hey I had another really quick Idea... You didin't say much about having any kind of job or anything. That has always been the best place for me to find friends. You say you're in school and stuff, so only get a little part time job where everyone there are students or your same age. It's not always the best idea to get a love interest going, but if it's just a little job and you find a really cool chick... then it may be worth it.

ratbastid · 05-23-2003, 06:45 PM

WAKE UP, WASHINGTON!! YOU'RE NOT A FAT 6TH GRADE LOSER!!! IN FACT, YOU NEVER WERE!!!

You're walking around still believing all the crap you made up about yourself when you were in 6th grade. THERE'S A 10-YEAR OLD RUNNING YOUR LOVE LIFE!!! No wonder it's such a disaster!

Give it up! You're a MAN now, and a damn fine one! Get out there and give yourself to the world, damn it! The women are waiting for you!

Washington · 05-24-2003, 06:09 AM

Well it didnt work out as I had hoped.

I asked my older brother to go with me so I didnt have to go by myself. I went out and bought some nice club clothes. I looked pretty good....

But my brother's friend from out of state showed up and my bro ditched me. I stayed home.

Maybe I'll go sunday night...

PS...Thanks ratbastid... I know....its just a little hard to believe it....

4thTimeLucky · 05-24-2003, 09:35 AM

Sorry to hear your predicament Washington, though I must admit I am pretty envious of the lifestyle you lead and the body you say you have, even if it is a lonely one!

I can only really echo the advice of earlier posters. The two key things to have a nice social life and girlfriend are:

i) A liking of yourself for what you are good at, from which grows a confidence in yourself.
ii) Meeting people, of either gender, through activities. It can sports, cookery, ballroom dancing, bell ringing or anything really.

So long as you are a nice guy then once you meet a group of people, you will then get the chance to meet their friends and then their friends and so on. Before you know it you have found some who you get on (really) well with and will have started meeting girls in an unthreatening environment. Offer to teach them to ski and they will be yours my friend!

Good luck

Atanvarno · 05-24-2003, 09:44 AM

Wish I had the self-dicipline to get up at 5am

That's more like when I end up getting to bed

Mondak · 05-24-2003, 11:42 AM

Man - in a lot of ways, you just described me. I got beat up every day and I was 135 lbs in my sophmore year in College. I had no friends until I was 16 or so. I started working out and it changed a lot of things. I have a couple things you can do, but they all involve risk. Risk is good.

#1 move out of the house. This is not up for debate. Grab the newspaper and find a few random places in college that are looking for a roomate. Move in to one of them. Now don't expect to be moving in to a social life and don't be too clingy, but if you have some good guys that you move in with, then great. The bigger the place you move in the better.

#2 Everything in moderation. When you work out, go to an aerobic gym once or twice a week. Join co-edintermuals too. There are always people looking to fill out a team and they need one more person like you.

#2b Start drinking. This sounds really bad, but you are in an extreme area. You don't need to be a booze hound, but you can hang out and have a beer. Don't like beer? Have some more. You will like it. Trust me. Why am I telling you this? It helps to loosen you up.

#3 Go to a therapist. If you have to drink to loosen up, so be it. But this is a band-aid. You should not need to drink to loosen up. Go to a shrink (there are usually on campus services for this type of thing that are free and confidential) and work on why you are depressed (yes you are depressed, it is okay you are still a great guy). It is tough stuff to work through, but the younger you are when you fix it the better. Also, just actually speaking about this stuff with someone will give you practice on how to interact socially.

If you ever want to take some turns at Alta, look me up. Mammoth is still running out here and I would be happy to go for a spin with you some time to see if I can help. Feel free to PM me or email me.

Oh yeah - and I took my own medicine. I am now 29 and married to a great girl who I can really open up to.

Frowning Budah · 05-24-2003, 01:44 PM

Well said Rogue. Something else that might work. Ask one of the girls your interested in for help in something they are good at. or interested in. It get the communication going and you will relax some.

Washington · 05-27-2003, 12:30 PM

Well just a little update....

i organized a study group tonight for a test tomorrow and I know that at least 3 grils are comming....

I have also found a group of people about my age to run with.

I let everyone know if i make any friends.

thanks again for the advice and for not making fun

later

Podmore · 05-27-2003, 01:37 PM

In case it helps any, I thought I'd share something. When I was a teenager, especially the younger and middle teens, I was very shy. I was fine around people my parent's age, for some reason, but couldn't talk about myself with people my own age and had a really hard time making friends. At one point in high school I came back from yet another party where I had sat playing with the dog by myself all night and decided that the problem was mine. I had always blamed other people for not seeing the good stuff inside of me, but I never let anyone in and I never took a risk.

Now most of my friends would probably describe me as an extrovert. People invite me to parties because they know I'm the one to get other people talking, and I pull shy people out of their shell. It didn't happen over night. I just started talking to people and, like everyone else said, being more confident in myself. People respond to that.

Good luck. Being alone sucks when it's not your choice.

JohnS72 · 05-27-2003, 01:46 PM

Sorry to hear that, but confidence is one of the biggest attractive things. if you ever feel insecure, it will start to show. Get rid of that, just be proud of who you are, and have a lot of self-confidence and don't be afraid to initiate conversations.

MacGnG · 05-28-2003, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by cheerios
Keep trying, I promise we're not ALL evil.

lol yea its true there are some

Memalvada · 05-29-2003, 10:22 AM

I think the best advice is to have confidence in yourself.

You sound like a really cool guy, and you'll find a girl soon enough

Jizzosh · 05-29-2003, 11:28 PM

Lowdown on yet another similar guy to suffer the same youth experiences... friends abandoned me around 4th grade, sat on the outside of social circles until around 8th grade, didn't get the attention my friends did from the girls... I thought I was ugly, too tall, too heavy, etc. You name it.
I built this incredible negative image of myself that lasted throughout highschool. Even though I played football freshman year and was in great shape. When I stopped, the lack of exercise turned the muscle to fat, and I ballooned to 230 lbs over the highschool years. After highschool, I became anorexic (sp?) and lost 50 lbs, in the most unhealthy way, which made me look sickly, etc. and being 6' 3" and 180 lbs, I still thought I was fat, ugly, etc.
Ok, that was at 18. I worked a full time job, with the next youngest co-worker being 23, and the next above him, 33. No social opportunities there. Long story short, I started hanging out at a coffee shop, didn't talk much, unless I was comfortable with the subject, and people got used to my presence. I found it extremely hard to feel confident about myself, because I still saw a 230 lb, ugly image, no matter what I really was. So I couldn't even fake confidence. What I did, was just say f*ck it. I figured I wouldn't get a girlfriend, but I at least wanted to be talked to and touched, whether handshakes or hugs or whatever, so I slowly made friends. Friends make you feel human, fill you with life, and show you who you really are. That brings confidence, and that confidence begins to brighten your face, and people notice. And then everything begins to come together.
Trust me, I didn't have a serious girlfriend until I was 20 (also when I lost the Virgin stink), and I didn't have a girlfriend at all through highschool, and I thought I never would.
Funny thing is, that when you get a girlfriend, the things people say about confidence will truly make sense, because the stories are true. After I began to consumate my relationship and feel good about myself, every girl I thought I could never have noticed and would flirt with me, without any trying on my part. So hang in there, and if all else fails, move to a younger city. I had the benefit of growing up in Las Vegas, so being a youthful town, there was always something to be done with people my age, but every town has it's foutain of youth.

Sorry for the length, but I feel for you. I'm 23 now, and I still don't know shit, but I know more than I did when I felt like I used to, and you'll be fine, and probably end up with some hottie that makes both the men and women on this board jealous, lol.

Good luck

Lebell · 05-30-2003, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Washington
Well just a little update....

i organized a study group tonight for a test tomorrow and I know that at least 3 grils are comming....

I have also found a group of people about my age to run with.

I let everyone know if i make any friends.

thanks again for the advice and for not making fun

later

NOW you're cooking with gas!!

Just be yourself, not someone on the hunt! Oportunity is there if you just look for it (or MAKE it!)

Wooowooo!

Washington · 05-30-2003, 04:22 AM

Jizzosh,

thanks....every story helps.

Ladybell and others,

Well...I was afraid that the group would run faster than me and i would hold them up but i went anyway and we ran an 8 mile loop in about 80min.
There are a few nice girls in the group of 6. I didnt get their phone numbers or AOL screenames but they seemed nice enough and asked if I would come back on their next run....of course i said yea ...and was thinking YES. lol

The study group went pretty much as planned....There were 2 pretty girls there and I kept it cool and just talked about the material we were studying...

When it was over I made a mistake...I hightailed it out of there....after i got about 20ft and by that time was thinking "you idoit, everyone is still talking why did you just f that up"....one of the girls told me to wait up....she wanted me to walk her to her car.

We talked about the test and i kept brining the subject back to her and her major and all that good stuff.

I still didnt get her number or anything but she seemed to really appreciate me taking the time to walk her...

I still havnt got any friends or anything but its comming along....

I keep you updated

and thanks again!

geep · 05-30-2003, 06:18 AM

I find friends when I'm not looking. They come in all sizes and shapes. Sometimes the hunt becomes too consuming and you overlook the obvious. I've been reading this thread and two things are obvious to me.

1. You're looking to hard. Take some of the pressure off yourself and enjoy life. Everyday is a gift so take advantage of it. You seem to lead a good life and you seem to be a good person. Relax and the rest will come along.

2. You have friends because by one definition, friends are people who care about you. People in this forum must care because they took the time to respond.

Life is like a flower. Some bloom fast and die quickly, while others mature over time and bloom endlessly. You are who you are, don't try to force the issue. Today the situation may seem diffcult. Tommorrow you will be the one giving the advice. The key to having others like you is liking yourself. So relax, become your own best friend. True light shines brightly. Start seeing the forest through the trees. I'm sure there are people around you who are good candidates for companionship. You just are looking to hard and are to hard on yourself for not finding them.

cdwonderful · 05-30-2003, 07:42 AM

study group is a great idea, offering to tutor is another good way.

liquid_dreams · 05-30-2003, 08:17 AM

ok nice man but with that study group you might try to stay next time and perhaps thought i'm not the best with wemon if you like that chick in your group try to sit with her hell she might like it she did ask you to walk her to her car right and nice work with that run thing...
hell your going to get a gf and i think were helping right???

Washington · 05-30-2003, 08:31 AM

definitly helping...

Check out this email from one of the girls in the running group....

Names have been changed to protect the innocent...er somethign like that

John,

You did fine....and you were worried you wouldnt keep up! *sitcks tounge out*

yeah the next run is tues. If you want it might be fun to go out to dinner after running tues night....

Let me know whats up :}

see ya,
Lisa

Washington · 05-30-2003, 08:33 AM

she probably means dinner with the whole group but either way its good ....

liquid_dreams · 05-30-2003, 08:35 AM

well reply for one thing and then ask her if it would just be you and her.... but its really good that shes asking you man conceder it to be friend 1

iHawk · 05-30-2003, 12:43 PM

hi people,

i'm pretty new here, and coincidentially this thread was one of the first i read.
weird thing, i have kind of a similar problem. though i have a few good friends, i don't have any shallow friends (if you know what i mean). and no girlfriend.
i don't have time to go into detail right now, just wanted to tell you people that your replies helped me quite a bit, at least for the theory :-)

thanks

Jizzosh · 05-30-2003, 05:08 PM

Quote:

*sitcks tounge out*

Umm, that's at least mild flirting if I've ever heard it...

What... like within 8 days you've already taken some awesome major steps?? Kick ass Washington. Go to dinner! Make fun of the waiter, laugh about the people around town, talk about the run that day, etc. Congrats and more good luck!

~springrain · 05-30-2003, 05:11 PM

Washington... i've been following this thread, and simply haven't posted because the advice you've been getting thus far is right on...

i smiled big time today when i read your last post. like you said, regardless of whether or not dinner is with the whole group, you have, in my mind, succeeded.

just getting past your fears and nervousness and putting yourself out there is something to be proud of... i cannot tell you how many times i've watched life "from the sidelines" wishing i am just mustered up the nerve to get in there and "play"...

and she DID e-mail you now didn't she?... *smile*

good luck!

bondagegirl · 05-31-2003, 12:13 AM

Yah!!!! I'm so happy for you!! You sound like a great guy and I love that you are keeping everyone posted! We are all on the edge of our seats! hehe

BuDDaH · 06-01-2003, 03:30 AM

Go Washington. Have a littlemore faith inyourself and no matter what: BE YOURSELF..

Worse case scenerio: You can always meet up and go hang out with sixate.....

Mondak · 06-01-2003, 08:50 AM

Walk her out to her car? Clearly an offer for sex!

Ok all kidding aside. Great news overall. I think most of the folks ahead of me here have the right idea. Don't press too hard on this thing. Friends and good relationships happen naturally and not really when they are forced.

Try to relax and do your best. Remember - none of these people knew you in High School. They are judging you on what they know now which is an itelligent, athletic young person who is sensitive and caring. Run with it from there.

05-22-2003, 01:36 PM	#1 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	There must be something seriously wrong with me edited for anonymity. Last edited by Washington; 11-07-2003 at 05:12 PM..

05-22-2003, 01:58 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lebell Cracking the Whip Location: Sexymama's arms...	My best advice: Start doing things you like to do, whatever that is. It might be theater, choir, sports, year book, newspaper, etc. Just start doing it. You'll find other people that share your interest. Some of them will be girls. Just be yourself and be FRIENDS with these PEOPLE (girls). You might be surprised what happens from there. People can sense desperation and they generally shy away from it. If you come across as "Desperately Seeking Girlfriend" they will know. But if you are just being a friend, well, this is how all good relationships start. Good luck to you __________________ "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU! Please Donate!

05-22-2003, 04:02 PM	#3 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	I second that!! Arent there girls @ the gym? do you live in a dorm? offer to run w/ one of hte girls so they'll be safer? do stuff you LIKE! it'll give you common ground to start on. For me'n Juan, it was a metallica T-shirt. really, can be ANYTHING. see something interesting? ask about it. Ask about the homework due tuesday, WHATEVER! and not having a gf or a date is not un-normal, just means you're still gettin' comfortable w/ yourself. And when that first chick shoots you down, DO NOT GIVE UP! Keep trying, I promise we're not ALL evil. ps: don't be too aggressive. you're a big guy. you'd tower over my by a foot, to give you an idea. You're gonna have to be gentler to get around that tough guy first-impression you're going to make, just by walking up. unless that's what you're looking for, of course, but remember that large strong men who are aggressive tend to look scary. (to me, at least, but this IS personal opinion, so, take it w/ a grain of salt.) Last edited by cheerios; 05-22-2003 at 04:05 PM..

05-22-2003, 05:42 PM	#4 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	Thanks for your replies you two :} As far as the gym...its not that type of scene...its a very hardcore gym...its entirely weights (no aerobic) and everyone there is either a 30-50 something powerlifter dude whos been doing it for years or females that look like men (and are a lot older than me) maybe I should switch gyms. I live with my parents (i get free tuition since my mother is a professor but only if I live at home). I am extremely active. I mountain bike. I run. I workout. I am a ski instructor in the (i take off spring semester and move out west for a few months) and teach skiing in Utah. But im not 21. and all of my co-workers are...so i couldnt go make friends at the bar after work.... In the summer I mountain bike and do adventure racing (like eco-challenge but much smaller)....but i still have the same problem...i cant find anyone to mountain bike with so I just go by myself. I think its that even though I am not fat anymore, i still think of myself as fat and unwanted because this was how i was treated for many years. I had a running partner that I met in Physics Lab but she moved away. it just seems there is always a reason....maybe i am looking to hard for the reasons. I dunno __________________ there is no absolute, only the moment.

05-22-2003, 11:14 PM	#6 (permalink)
DelayedReaction BFG Builder Location: University of Maryland	If you're not happy with yourself, you certainly won't be happy with someone else. Get yourself involved in the things you enjoy, and go out and find others who have similar interests. You're a ski instructor? I'm sure your school has a ski club. Or hell, start one if there isn't. The best thing you can do is actively involve yourself in things you enjoy, and stop actively hunting for a girlfriend. The second you stop looking and just enjoy yourself will be the second right before you meet someone. Now if only I could follow my own advice. Or at least get to the gym first. __________________ If ignorance is bliss, you must be having an orgasm.

05-23-2003, 12:22 AM	#7 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	Join a club, that helps. And social skills need to be developed through practice. I was like you until I came to college, and now I hang out with lots of people and have become, to my complete surprise, somewhat of an extrovert. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

05-23-2003, 09:10 AM	#8 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	Relax, be yourself. Enjoy, be yourself. Smile, be yourself. Talk, be yourself. Once you have that down, stop putting girls on a pedestal in your mind. Get over your anxiety & anxiousness And then after you've just chatted for a bit, ask them to something CASUAL. They might say no, oh well, their loss. They might say yes, cool And then it’s a whole NEW game then. Then the same rules apply, just be yourself, enjoy, have fun. But you have to put yourself out there. How do I know this? Because I used to be just like you. It's amazing how things change when you are relaxed & smiling.

05-23-2003, 09:50 AM	#9 (permalink)
Tirian Addict Location: Canada	I was going to ask if there were women at the gym as well. My buddy met his wife at the gym. Maybe try working out at a less hard-core gym for a while. You could meet poeple, and work out at the same time.

05-23-2003, 10:13 AM	#10 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	Thanks for the advice everyone...I really appreciate it. I am going to a 18+ club tonight I think (if I can work up the nerve to go by myself) and just see if I can do that scene... I like the idea of asking them to something casual...could you give me some suggestions? I dont know of any parties (never have).... where could I ask someone to? I guess what I want to say is that I am involved with things i enjoy... I run I bike I ski I skydive I compete in adventure racing But i dont know anyone to ask to do these things with me.... they are all solo activites for me. __________________ there is no absolute, only the moment.

05-23-2003, 10:30 AM	#11 (permalink)
HeyAgain Psycho	Ask them to join you for a drink or a cup of coffee. Coffee is better, since both parties are alert when communicating. As for the activities, aren't there clubs in your city/town that meet up to participate in these events as a group.

05-23-2003, 12:57 PM	#13 (permalink)
bondagegirl Muy loca en la cabeza!! Location: San Diego. Ca.	Hey Washington, You said something about going to an 18+ club. then you said what casual thing should you ask a girl out to... Theres your answer. I always think it's cute to be asked to do something silly and different though. Like if you like bowling at all, ask a girl to go with you. Or even if you don't, go anyway and you can learn together. Btw hope you go to the club tonight! Have fun, and relax, thats the best advice. __________________ "Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today."

05-23-2003, 01:03 PM	#14 (permalink)
bondagegirl Muy loca en la cabeza!! Location: San Diego. Ca.	Hey I had another really quick Idea... You didin't say much about having any kind of job or anything. That has always been the best place for me to find friends. You say you're in school and stuff, so only get a little part time job where everyone there are students or your same age. It's not always the best idea to get a love interest going, but if it's just a little job and you find a really cool chick... then it may be worth it. __________________ "Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today."

05-23-2003, 06:45 PM	#15 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	WAKE UP, WASHINGTON!! YOU'RE NOT A FAT 6TH GRADE LOSER!!! IN FACT, YOU NEVER WERE!!! You're walking around still believing all the crap you made up about yourself when you were in 6th grade. THERE'S A 10-YEAR OLD RUNNING YOUR LOVE LIFE!!! No wonder it's such a disaster! Give it up! You're a MAN now, and a damn fine one! Get out there and give yourself to the world, damn it! The women are waiting for you!

05-24-2003, 06:09 AM	#16 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	Well it didnt work out as I had hoped. I asked my older brother to go with me so I didnt have to go by myself. I went out and bought some nice club clothes. I looked pretty good.... But my brother's friend from out of state showed up and my bro ditched me. I stayed home. Maybe I'll go sunday night... PS...Thanks ratbastid... I know....its just a little hard to believe it.... __________________ there is no absolute, only the moment.

05-24-2003, 09:35 AM	#17 (permalink)
4thTimeLucky Psycho Location: 4th has left the building - goodbye folks	Sorry to hear your predicament Washington, though I must admit I am pretty envious of the lifestyle you lead and the body you say you have, even if it is a lonely one! I can only really echo the advice of earlier posters. The two key things to have a nice social life and girlfriend are: i) A liking of yourself for what you are good at, from which grows a confidence in yourself. ii) Meeting people, of either gender, through activities. It can sports, cookery, ballroom dancing, bell ringing or anything really. So long as you are a nice guy then once you meet a group of people, you will then get the chance to meet their friends and then their friends and so on. Before you know it you have found some who you get on (really) well with and will have started meeting girls in an unthreatening environment. Offer to teach them to ski and they will be yours my friend! Good luck __________________ I've been 4thTimeLucky, you've been great. Goodnight and God bless!

05-24-2003, 09:44 AM	#18 (permalink)
Atanvarno Tilted Location: Norway	Wish I had the self-dicipline to get up at 5am That's more like when I end up getting to bed __________________ Memorization is a poor excuse for intelligence." - Cesar Martinez-Garza (1973 ->) -

05-24-2003, 11:42 AM	#19 (permalink)
Mondak Industrialist Location: Southern California	Man - in a lot of ways, you just described me. I got beat up every day and I was 135 lbs in my sophmore year in College. I had no friends until I was 16 or so. I started working out and it changed a lot of things. I have a couple things you can do, but they all involve risk. Risk is good. #1 move out of the house. This is not up for debate. Grab the newspaper and find a few random places in college that are looking for a roomate. Move in to one of them. Now don't expect to be moving in to a social life and don't be too clingy, but if you have some good guys that you move in with, then great. The bigger the place you move in the better. #2 Everything in moderation. When you work out, go to an aerobic gym once or twice a week. Join co-edintermuals too. There are always people looking to fill out a team and they need one more person like you. #2b Start drinking. This sounds really bad, but you are in an extreme area. You don't need to be a booze hound, but you can hang out and have a beer. Don't like beer? Have some more. You will like it. Trust me. Why am I telling you this? It helps to loosen you up. #3 Go to a therapist. If you have to drink to loosen up, so be it. But this is a band-aid. You should not need to drink to loosen up. Go to a shrink (there are usually on campus services for this type of thing that are free and confidential) and work on why you are depressed (yes you are depressed, it is okay you are still a great guy). It is tough stuff to work through, but the younger you are when you fix it the better. Also, just actually speaking about this stuff with someone will give you practice on how to interact socially. If you ever want to take some turns at Alta, look me up. Mammoth is still running out here and I would be happy to go for a spin with you some time to see if I can help. Feel free to PM me or email me. Oh yeah - and I took my own medicine. I am now 29 and married to a great girl who I can really open up to. __________________ All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed Second, it is violently opposed and Third, it is accepted as self-evident. ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER (1788-1860)

05-24-2003, 01:44 PM	#20 (permalink)
Frowning Budah Slave of Fear	Well said Rogue. Something else that might work. Ask one of the girls your interested in for help in something they are good at. or interested in. It get the communication going and you will relax some.

05-27-2003, 12:30 PM	#21 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	Well just a little update.... i organized a study group tonight for a test tomorrow and I know that at least 3 grils are comming.... I have also found a group of people about my age to run with. I let everyone know if i make any friends. thanks again for the advice and for not making fun later __________________ there is no absolute, only the moment.

05-27-2003, 01:37 PM	#22 (permalink)
Podmore Crazy Location: SoCal	In case it helps any, I thought I'd share something. When I was a teenager, especially the younger and middle teens, I was very shy. I was fine around people my parent's age, for some reason, but couldn't talk about myself with people my own age and had a really hard time making friends. At one point in high school I came back from yet another party where I had sat playing with the dog by myself all night and decided that the problem was mine. I had always blamed other people for not seeing the good stuff inside of me, but I never let anyone in and I never took a risk. Now most of my friends would probably describe me as an extrovert. People invite me to parties because they know I'm the one to get other people talking, and I pull shy people out of their shell. It didn't happen over night. I just started talking to people and, like everyone else said, being more confident in myself. People respond to that. Good luck. Being alone sucks when it's not your choice.

05-27-2003, 01:46 PM	#23 (permalink)
JohnS72 Crazy	Sorry to hear that, but confidence is one of the biggest attractive things. if you ever feel insecure, it will start to show. Get rid of that, just be proud of who you are, and have a lot of self-confidence and don't be afraid to initiate conversations.

05-29-2003, 10:22 AM	#25 (permalink)
Memalvada Psycho Location: South of the border	I think the best advice is to have confidence in yourself. You sound like a really cool guy, and you'll find a girl soon enough __________________ "The weak are food for the strong, so die and let me feast!" - Makoto Shishio (RK)

05-29-2003, 11:28 PM	#26 (permalink)
Jizzosh Insane Location: Beijing, China	Lowdown on yet another similar guy to suffer the same youth experiences... friends abandoned me around 4th grade, sat on the outside of social circles until around 8th grade, didn't get the attention my friends did from the girls... I thought I was ugly, too tall, too heavy, etc. You name it. I built this incredible negative image of myself that lasted throughout highschool. Even though I played football freshman year and was in great shape. When I stopped, the lack of exercise turned the muscle to fat, and I ballooned to 230 lbs over the highschool years. After highschool, I became anorexic (sp?) and lost 50 lbs, in the most unhealthy way, which made me look sickly, etc. and being 6' 3" and 180 lbs, I still thought I was fat, ugly, etc. Ok, that was at 18. I worked a full time job, with the next youngest co-worker being 23, and the next above him, 33. No social opportunities there. Long story short, I started hanging out at a coffee shop, didn't talk much, unless I was comfortable with the subject, and people got used to my presence. I found it extremely hard to feel confident about myself, because I still saw a 230 lb, ugly image, no matter what I really was. So I couldn't even fake confidence. What I did, was just say f*ck it. I figured I wouldn't get a girlfriend, but I at least wanted to be talked to and touched, whether handshakes or hugs or whatever, so I slowly made friends. Friends make you feel human, fill you with life, and show you who you really are. That brings confidence, and that confidence begins to brighten your face, and people notice. And then everything begins to come together. Trust me, I didn't have a serious girlfriend until I was 20 (also when I lost the Virgin stink), and I didn't have a girlfriend at all through highschool, and I thought I never would. Funny thing is, that when you get a girlfriend, the things people say about confidence will truly make sense, because the stories are true. After I began to consumate my relationship and feel good about myself, every girl I thought I could never have noticed and would flirt with me, without any trying on my part. So hang in there, and if all else fails, move to a younger city. I had the benefit of growing up in Las Vegas, so being a youthful town, there was always something to be done with people my age, but every town has it's foutain of youth. Sorry for the length, but I feel for you. I'm 23 now, and I still don't know shit, but I know more than I did when I felt like I used to, and you'll be fine, and probably end up with some hottie that makes both the men and women on this board jealous, lol. Good luck __________________ I'm never gonna know you now... but I'm gonna love you anyhow -Elliott Smith

05-30-2003, 04:22 AM	#28 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	Jizzosh, thanks....every story helps. Ladybell and others, Well...I was afraid that the group would run faster than me and i would hold them up but i went anyway and we ran an 8 mile loop in about 80min. There are a few nice girls in the group of 6. I didnt get their phone numbers or AOL screenames but they seemed nice enough and asked if I would come back on their next run....of course i said yea ...and was thinking YES. lol The study group went pretty much as planned....There were 2 pretty girls there and I kept it cool and just talked about the material we were studying... When it was over I made a mistake...I hightailed it out of there....after i got about 20ft and by that time was thinking "you idoit, everyone is still talking why did you just f that up"....one of the girls told me to wait up....she wanted me to walk her to her car. We talked about the test and i kept brining the subject back to her and her major and all that good stuff. I still didnt get her number or anything but she seemed to really appreciate me taking the time to walk her... I still havnt got any friends or anything but its comming along.... I keep you updated and thanks again! __________________ there is no absolute, only the moment.

05-30-2003, 06:18 AM	#29 (permalink)
geep Insane Location: Imprisoned in Ecotopia	I find friends when I'm not looking. They come in all sizes and shapes. Sometimes the hunt becomes too consuming and you overlook the obvious. I've been reading this thread and two things are obvious to me. 1. You're looking to hard. Take some of the pressure off yourself and enjoy life. Everyday is a gift so take advantage of it. You seem to lead a good life and you seem to be a good person. Relax and the rest will come along. 2. You have friends because by one definition, friends are people who care about you. People in this forum must care because they took the time to respond. Life is like a flower. Some bloom fast and die quickly, while others mature over time and bloom endlessly. You are who you are, don't try to force the issue. Today the situation may seem diffcult. Tommorrow you will be the one giving the advice. The key to having others like you is liking yourself. So relax, become your own best friend. True light shines brightly. Start seeing the forest through the trees. I'm sure there are people around you who are good candidates for companionship. You just are looking to hard and are to hard on yourself for not finding them.

05-30-2003, 07:42 AM	#30 (permalink)
cdwonderful another passenger Location: Youngstown, Ohio	study group is a great idea, offering to tutor is another good way. __________________ Never try to teach a pig to whistle it wastes your time, and annoys the pig.....

05-30-2003, 08:17 AM	#31 (permalink)
liquid_dreams Banned Location: ketchikan	ok nice man but with that study group you might try to stay next time and perhaps thought i'm not the best with wemon if you like that chick in your group try to sit with her hell she might like it she did ask you to walk her to her car right and nice work with that run thing... hell your going to get a gf and i think were helping right???

05-30-2003, 08:31 AM	#32 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	definitly helping... Check out this email from one of the girls in the running group.... Names have been changed to protect the innocent...er somethign like that John, You did fine....and you were worried you wouldnt keep up! sitcks tounge out yeah the next run is tues. If you want it might be fun to go out to dinner after running tues night.... Let me know whats up :} see ya, Lisa __________________ there is no absolute, only the moment.

05-30-2003, 08:33 AM	#33 (permalink)
Washington Insane Location: somewhere cool	she probably means dinner with the whole group but either way its good .... __________________ there is no absolute, only the moment.

05-30-2003, 08:35 AM	#34 (permalink)
liquid_dreams Banned Location: ketchikan	well reply for one thing and then ask her if it would just be you and her.... but its really good that shes asking you man conceder it to be friend 1

05-30-2003, 12:43 PM	#35 (permalink)
iHawk Upright Location: good ol' germany	hi people, i'm pretty new here, and coincidentially this thread was one of the first i read. weird thing, i have kind of a similar problem. though i have a few good friends, i don't have any shallow friends (if you know what i mean). and no girlfriend. i don't have time to go into detail right now, just wanted to tell you people that your replies helped me quite a bit, at least for the theory :-) thanks __________________ Die Welt ist dumm und ich erst recht

05-30-2003, 05:11 PM	#37 (permalink)
~springrain Banned Location: central USA	Washington... i've been following this thread, and simply haven't posted because the advice you've been getting thus far is right on... i smiled big time today when i read your last post. like you said, regardless of whether or not dinner is with the whole group, you have, in my mind, succeeded. just getting past your fears and nervousness and putting yourself out there is something to be proud of... i cannot tell you how many times i've watched life "from the sidelines" wishing i am just mustered up the nerve to get in there and "play"... and she DID e-mail you now didn't she?... smile good luck!

05-31-2003, 12:13 AM	#38 (permalink)
bondagegirl Muy loca en la cabeza!! Location: San Diego. Ca.	Yah!!!! I'm so happy for you!! You sound like a great guy and I love that you are keeping everyone posted! We are all on the edge of our seats! hehe __________________ "Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today."

06-01-2003, 03:30 AM	#39 (permalink)
BuDDaH The Matrix had a point... Moderator Emeritus Location: 10th Mountain ASB Fort Drum, N.Y.	Go Washington. Have a littlemore faith inyourself and no matter what: BE YOURSELF.. Worse case scenerio: You can always meet up and go hang out with sixate..... __________________ I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become King of England!

06-01-2003, 08:50 AM	#40 (permalink)
Mondak Industrialist Location: Southern California	Walk her out to her car? Clearly an offer for sex! Ok all kidding aside. Great news overall. I think most of the folks ahead of me here have the right idea. Don't press too hard on this thing. Friends and good relationships happen naturally and not really when they are forced. Try to relax and do your best. Remember - none of these people knew you in High School. They are judging you on what they know now which is an itelligent, athletic young person who is sensitive and caring. Run with it from there. __________________ All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed Second, it is violently opposed and Third, it is accepted as self-evident. ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER (1788-1860)