Xiangsu

My friends and I, we talk shit about people a lot, but we never talk about eachother. Not even kidding around, we treat eachother with respect most of the time. We also don't "rough-house" with eachother. However, I just started working with this guy and that is how his sense of humor is. He is always talking shit and "busting our balls". My question is how many people frequently do this kind of shit with their friends?

Glory's Sun

of course we do it. that is how we gain trust with each other. If we didn't trust each other we wouldn't do it at all. We respect each other so we know when to stop but what's a bunch of friends if ya can't rag on each other some?

irseg

Yeah my friends and I do that sometimes since the trust & respect is there, but not to a major extent.

Most people who do the "Hah hah hah [big smack on the back], I was just bustin' yer balls!!!" thing tend to be really annoying and abrasive in general, so I don't associate with them.

Carno

We do that constantly. My friends in high school sometimes went over the line, but now that I'm in college, none of my friends go too far.

Suave

Most of my friends don't do it too much (I think we all do it at least a bit though). There are one or two who do, and it does get tiring after a while.

godxzilla

my philosiphy is....

if we didnt like you, we wouldnt be talking to you at all! consider it his way of showing you that you are buddies.

__________________
Mike

aintyoboyfriend

Agreed. Besides, how can you share your deepest darkest fears with someone who isn't going to laugh and make it into a funny joke.

Cynthetiq

all the time... why? because it's a term of endearment to our friendship.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Dostoevsky

Yeah dude, all the time. I'm a professional ball buster. It's like saying hello and good bye with the type of people I hang out with most of the time. I've always hung around athletes and alpha males for the most part and busting balls is just something we have always done. It's like breathing for us, quite normal. In fact, we're way more likely to bust each other's balls than to spend time talking about people who aren't around. It's way more fun to give someone a hard time when they're right there.

I suppose I should add that there is a certain 'etticate' to busting balls and some dudes are just plain annoying or just assholes. If this guy is crossing the line than you should confront him about it. It's a lot more fun to bust someone's balls when they don't take it well too, so don't make yourself an easy target by getting easily worked up.

I hope my insight into this behavior has helped you in some way.

__________________
Pride is the recognition of the fact that you are your own highest value and, like all of man’s values, it has to be earned.


It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener.

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

krwlz

Yea man, constantly. Like above, there are un-written, un-spoken rules that everyone obeys. But everything else is fair game.

slimshaydee

yeah all my mates do it. It's part of being a guy really.

flamingdog

It's bullshit macho nonsense.

godxzilla

thats a pretty articulate post! why is it bullshit? you have it all wrong but id like to hear why its bullshit. please enlighten me

__________________
Mike

cj22009

Yea me and all my friends bust each others balls all the time we all the limit on what can be said. Its just the way we bond if you want to call it that.

flamingdog

In other words, squash how you feel about being made fun of in order to be 'one of the guys'. Bullshit.

I appreciate the sentiment that it's not serious, that it's banter between friends, that it helps you form a thicker skin, but it's still macho alpha-male posturing.

Carno

Hmmm, I suppose that's true..

But if you want to hang with my group of friends, you gotta be able to take heat.

flamingdog

It all depends on specifics, but I say there's a fine line between 'heat' and just simple bullying.

Believe me, I'm not alien to the situation you're talking about, and I dealt a fair bit of 'heat' myself, before I saw it for what it was and stopped it. I found myself singling out particular people in my group, putting them down - jokingly, although these things have a habit of getting more and more extreme - in front of our mutual friends, and enjoying the laughs I got from them as a result.

It was just cruel and unnecessary, and it revealed something about me that I considered ugly and base. So I don't do it anymore.

Carno

Yeah, none of that has ever happened with my friends.. Sometimes one of us would get annoyed and get pissed, but we'd stop as soon as that happened.

If someone carried it out that far, I'd question whether they were a true friend or not. None of my friends would ever do that..

There has to be a level of respect among friends, and I think if banter turns into openly making fun of someone, that's an indication that there's no respect. While my friends and I like to push each others buttons and go back and forth, I would never, ever call what we do "making fun of each other".

godxzilla

its just in good fun. if you (not anyone here, just in general) are mature enough to know the difference between playful banter and humiliating someone, its a good outlet. if you or your group of friends does not know where the line needs to be drawn, you should dissasociate yourself from them.

__________________
Mike

flamingdog

I dunno, though, nobody knows what's going through another person's mind. I do see what you're saying, I'm just of the opinion that one man's playful banter could be another guy's character assassination. And there he is, smiling and laughing about it on the outside, while inside he's curling into a ball.

Just seems unhealthy to me. I've never wanted for topics of conversation since abandoning my 'banter' tendencies, it's not something I've needed to do.

krwlz

With my group of friends anyway, there are definate limits, and no one really gets singled out. By cracking a joke at one guy, you are just asking for them to send a retort back.

Everyone else enjoys both jokes, and we all laugh and have a good time. Thats the way I see it anyway, not as alpha-male posturing, because no one ever really gets the upper hand.

Stompy

No it's not.

If anyone despises the whole "bullshit macho" whatever, it's me. Trust me.

I do this with my friends. Why? Because that's how we are. It's how we've always been.

Some friends I do it with, others I don't. Depends on who gets all pissy and bent out of shape.

__________________
I love lamp.

SaltPork

My friends and I constantly bust each others balls. Sometimes the line gets crossed and it can get ugly, like flamingdog suggested, but being guys, we just "discuss" it and move on. I don't think that we've ever involved anyone against their will, nor do I think that we've pushed the envelope with others so as to make them uncomfortable.

__________________
It was like that when I got here....I swear.

Guthumba

I think there are two different types of "ball busting".

One one hand you have the "character assassaination" that flamingdog described which is, essentially, a bullying that occurs within a group of friends--an event not unlike the playful wrestling of dogs in order to establish the alpha, the beta, and so forth. This is probably the most basic of all our male social rituals.

On the other hand you have a playful banter that replaces "deep" or "emotional" conversations about character flaws that the individuals involved might identify within their friends. It is far easier to "bust your friend's balls" over his choice of clothing or taste in music or eating habits than it is to sit him him down and explain that he has bad taste and looks like an idiot, that the music he listens to is uninspired and is indicative of poor self-education in that specific facet of his life, or that he eats like swine leaning into it's trough.

Obviously it would be much more effective to address this directly with a person but unfortunately most relationships between men are not constructed to handle these type of interactions. Those on the receiving end of this information typically grow defensive and then angry, while those communicating typically deliver it in a condesending manner that makes it difficult to digest.

flamingdog

That's a pretty interesting take on it... although doesn't it come down to the same thing at the end of the day, ie treating your friends like shit?

Stompy

To answer your question: no.

__________________
I love lamp.

flamingdog

With all respect, your answers so far in this thread do nothing to convince me that you are anything other than what I am suggesting. You clearly think I'm wrong, when to me, it's not even black and white, and you give no explanation as to why it's that simple. Whyn't you bust my balls a bit, huh?

Stompy

Whyn't you keep being a smart ass?

I don't give a shit about what I convince you of, because I already stated that if anyone hates the egotistical male BS that goes on, it's me.

My friends and I poke fun at each other. It's not really a big deal. It really isn't. If you want to play backyard psychologist and believe that there's more to it, be my guest.

If one person was constantly belittling one other person, then yeah, I suppose that COULD evolve into a problem down the road. But a group of friends who equally BS each other isn't really a problem.

You're so sore about it that you attitude towards others is pretty ridiculous.

__________________
I love lamp.

flamingdog

You're right, I should just take that for granted. Especially as your one-word, condescending, sarcastic answers simply do not bear me out at all.

*slaps back* hey dude, I'm only busting your balls.

st33lr4t

its part of being guy...if you cant take it get snipped.

Dostoevsky

Ok, this is me doing my best not to resort to name calling and ball busting, but whatever. I suppose everyone is entitled to their opinion. I would agree that it's alpha-male. Is that a bad thing to be in your opinion?

__________________
Pride is the recognition of the fact that you are your own highest value and, like all of man’s values, it has to be earned.


It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener.

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

flamingdog

Hmm, that's a teaser. I mean, my immediate reaction is yes, of course. If it wasn't for this need for human one-upmanship (I'm tempted to say 'male' but I don't think it's necessarily confined to men) I don't know that we'd have the fucked up world that we do. However, it's the way we're made. We are just animals, after all.

Personally, I feel that rational human beings can - and should - evolve beyond the 'pack' mentality. Just my opinion.

Stompy

Wow, you got all that from "no"?

So far, you're just showing that you're a troll.

I made a simple post stating how I'm against typical macho male BS and said that I do this with my friends. I'm TELLING you it's not a problem like you're describing. Someone pokes fun at me, I do it right back. I poke fun at someone, they do it back. No one is "curling into a ball". No one's getting pissy about it. Which one of us is me here? You? I don't think so.

Should you take it for granted? Sure. What, I'm just gonna lie about it? Yeah, sorry, it's all in a big plot to foil your "Ball busting male" thread

I'm sorry you can't handle the fact that not every situation like this is nearly harmful as what you're describing.

__________________
I love lamp.

Guthumba

I don't think so. I think, in some cases, it becomes an attempt to reach out to someone under the cover of playful banter. In common society I think a male who wants to talk to another male about his feelings or the like would quickly be jabbed with insightful comments like "shut up fag." Guys know this and they generally understand how to operate within the "guy rules" to reach the necessary objective.

Example: Your buddy has been dumped by his long-term girlfriend. You take him out to a strip club and get him drunk. You sooth his wounds by distracting him with flesh and then give him drink so that you can talk more openly about his pain under the guise of drunkeness. You and your friend can talk about his pain, drown the sorrow, and not step into the "realm of women" by blathering on and on about the situation over tea or lunch.

Understand, I think that this is all rather silly, but for those who aren't so secure with themselves it is apparently a necessary evil to preserve one's sense of manhood. However, even given the silliness of the whole thing, I don't think it is malicious at it's core.

flamingdog

No I am not trolling, I am stating an opinion that is contrary to yours.

Well, for one thing, you said nothing to back it up. I was just interested in seeing what you said if questioned on it. I have a simple gregarious interest in what and how other people think. For another, this isn't my thread. And for a third, there's no need to be so defensive. I'm not attacking you.

All I did was open the possibility that was, so far, not explored here, that this harmless behaviour might not be so harmless. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know, I was kicking off a discussion about it.

Anyone can click around a forum depositing statements of their positions, that teaches nobody anything. I'm not forcing you to keep posting these increasingly derisive responses, I just wanted to discuss it.

Edit: incidentally, i acknowledge that my first post in this thread wasn't exactly up to scratch. sorry about that.

Dostoevsky

Why is ball busting such a big deal to some of you guys? I really don't understand how it can be so traumatic. It's just good natured teasing between the fellas. It's funny, even when you're the one getting your balls busted. Man, I grew up around this kind of stuff so maybe I'm just having a hard time understanding some of the more sensitive guys in here. Please explain this for me, anyone....

__________________
Pride is the recognition of the fact that you are your own highest value and, like all of man’s values, it has to be earned.


It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener.

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

flamingdog

Well basically, I think it's just like I said, it can cross the line between banter and bullying pretty easily, and it's not always gonna be the case that if you genuinely damage someone's feelings, they'll necessarily pipe up, because... well, like you said, if they don't take it too well, you just go at them harder. It's a vicious circle.

But it's a two-way avenue, because I think what my 'banter' revealed about me (and TO me) was that I was a snappy, irritable, grouchy bastard with just enough charisma to deliver his putdowns with a social veil of humour. What's more, the more laughs I got, the more I did it. And there were times I would bring the whole room to giggles. That makes you feel good.

But it's a really sick, fucked up business to be in. I'm genuinely ashamed of that period in my life, and I've messed up friendships because of it.

Now, I'm not saying anyone here is doing this, I'm just highlighting the link between ball-busting and these kind of self-serving putdowns.

It caused me to take a good, hard look at myself, and make some changes.

Nor am I suggesting that we all abandon the good-natured ribbing and form a gender-wide group hug while we reconnect with our inner children, I'm just saying there's a risk of alienation and pain inherent in this kind of thing. It only takes one ill-judged comment to hurt someone badly. You can never take back what you say, and if they don't air it for discussion, you've got one bruised individual there, and not a damn thing you can do to fix it.

Dostoevsky

I couldn't agree with you more on this point and a couple others you made in your last post. When I talk about busting balls it's only bullshitting with other friends of mine who, like me, don't take that shit seriously. The previous comment I made about not making yourself an easy target was just advice to the original poster who was apparently being bullied a little. I was trying to tell him that if you don't react, then the bully will lose interest in you. Friends don't keep going at a guy who doesn't take it well or doesn't give it back to you. And busting balls is no excuse for just being an out and out miserable dickhead. Like I said earlier, it really is a fine line to tread on and you really shouldn't fuck around with sensitive people or dim wits who can't fuck with you back, that's not really what it's about.

__________________
Pride is the recognition of the fact that you are your own highest value and, like all of man’s values, it has to be earned.


It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener.

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

flamingdog

Great post, man. Don't really have anything more to add.

theusername

I choose to be friends with people that can handle honesty. From me and to me. If my friend has a problem im there for him emotionally regardless. I understand the whole male complex theory but I dont buy into it and I dont believe that its cool to talk shit about people. Thats my opinion.

__________________
?