How to politely kick flatmate out? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Spritebox · 10-12-2004, 05:45 PM

A friend of mine had quite a complicated sequence of events in his life happen to him a few months ago. I offered him a place to stay (since I was offered a place to stay at his place when times were tough for myself). I thought it would just be temporary.

He's been here nearly 3 months now, and he's said things that would lead me to assume he plans on staying indefinately.

This wouldn't be so bad, but he's mooching off all of my stuff. He buys nothing of his own, nor does he contribute to any chores.

I recently found out that he's not living here because he has no other choice...he's living here because he likes it better than living with his parents (which he had been doing).

So, I've decided he needs to leave, but I really don't know a nice way of asking. I've dropped hints, but he seems to either be too thick-headed, or he's just ignoring what he doesn't want to hear.

ARgh.

ratbastid · 10-12-2004, 05:59 PM

Who said you have to be nice about it? Being nice doesn't get you anywhere. I don't mean you have to be mean, but... Worry about being nice when you don't have anything else to accomplish.

"Dude. I offered you a temporary place to stay, and I was very glad to be able to do that. But now you've stayed longer than what I'd call 'temporary'. What are we going to do about that?"

Let him know that he can leave, or he can become a paying, load-carrying roommate. And let him know you'll still be his friend whichever he chooses.

spindles · 10-12-2004, 08:43 PM

How about "House meeting in the Kitchen - Fred, where are you going?"

or maybe you should do what ratbastid said

Clark · 10-13-2004, 11:18 AM

Some thing like this hapened to me once. At the end of the thried week I said to my buddy, "I have been happy to help you out, but if you are going to stay longer then a month they you will be a roommate and I will need half the rent and utilities." He understood and was out at the end of the month and moved on to his next friends couch. He is still a good friend and understood I was not made of mony.

Irishsean · 10-13-2004, 12:01 PM

If you try to pussy-foot around the subject he'll keep taking advantage of you. Lay down the rules, say these are absolutes if you want to stay here, no discussion.

Cynthetiq · 10-13-2004, 12:15 PM

there's nothing nice about it, if he's going to think of you as an asshole for kicking him out.. he's going to think that.

MSD · 10-13-2004, 02:17 PM

Ask him for his half of the rent.

Tralls · 10-13-2004, 02:21 PM

You need to confront him about it and say that he needs to go ahead and try and find a place for himself. Your friendship will only deteriorate if you continue to let him stay if it is bothering you. I have had to do this twice actually. Some people dont get the hint that they need to leave sometimes, but if you are a man about it and honest and upfront, they will respect that if they are your friend and will remain so.

daswig · 10-13-2004, 11:33 PM

buy a broken chainsaw at a thrift store, chase him around the apartment with it while yanking on the pull-starter maniacally. He should get the message.

(just kidding...demand his half of the rent.)

jadedt · 10-21-2004, 08:54 PM

Going through the same myself. Good luck with your efforts. In my case it is with my live-in ex-fiance who has no place to go... Things will work out on way or another. Depends on who presses the issue and it should be YOU.

Schwan · 10-22-2004, 10:21 AM

Just talk to him and tell him upfront that it has been good and all, but it's time for him to leave. People don;t speak what's on their minds and it's preciesly that which leads to most of the misunderstandings in our lifes. At least I think so. Just talk with him, and be honest. If he'll get pissed off, then fine, let him. It will only mean that the friendship wasn't as good as you thought. The bottom line is if you just go and talk to him, things will work out fine between you guys. And if not - well, c'est la vie.

As a side note, I had to fire a friend from a band, because he wasn;t very good. The whole band got together, and nobody knew how to start, so we just talked about the holidays and stuff like that. And then I said "ah, screw it" and dished out to him that we are here, because we want him out of the band, because he's not much of a singer. He doesn't have any grudges against me, and whenever we meet, we talk for a bit. And it turned out better for him, too. Instead of being a lousy singer, he's writing a biography for a rock star. Life, eh?

joe69 · 10-22-2004, 11:32 AM

dont do it politely.

iceburn · 10-22-2004, 11:53 AM

yeah, ratbastid is right. These situations always have the potential to go badly, so I'd be careful about how it's done. Whatever you do, remain calm, allow him to say whatever he wants, but YOU're the one in charge of the situation, because it's your house. I suggest comsuming a depressant such as morphine, marijuana, or i guess a beer, just to mellow yourself out, and approach the situation by sending the message that he has a few different options.... like Paying you rent, offering to clean up or buy groceries, or just moving out. Out of those three, what do you sense he will go ahead with? Maybe just tell him he has to do it, or bolt.

The truth is, if you're dropping hints, there's no way he isn't picking them up. People know when they're on their way to wearing out their welcome. Bringing it up once will probably get nowhere anyway, so you'll have to talk about it all the time, like every day until something gets done about it. Even if you get into a big confrontation about stuff and you can't be on friendly terms with him for a while, it's not your fault. He seems like he's being greedy and needs to learn a lesson.

Suave · 10-22-2004, 12:56 PM

Put on some soft music, and cook him dinner. When he's well into the entree, bring up the fact that it's "not working out", and you should "see other people". Be sure to let him know that "it's not you, it's me", and that you just want some space.

anleja · 10-22-2004, 02:51 PM

Walk into his room in the middle of the night. Chant "RED-rum, RED-rum." Pick up a tube of his lipstick and write "redrum" on the wall. He will then hold you with concern, only to see the reflection of "redrum" in the mirror. He will scream, and he will scram.

I made that scenerio up myself. Pretty creative, huh?

Cadwiz · 10-27-2004, 03:18 PM

My younger brother was living in an apartment with a few friends and they wanted him out. They call me and tell me they are kicking him out and he will probably need a place to stay.. That seemed a bit odd to me. Well, I go to pick him up and grab his stuff. He is asleep when I get there, they wake him up and tell him he has to go.

Evidently, the neglected to tell him that they called me. They neglected to tell me that they didn't tell him he had to go. I just figured he didn't want to feel like I was bailing him out. So, I guess you could get rid of him that way.

JustDisGuy · 11-06-2004, 09:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrSelfDestruct

Ask him for his half of the rent.

For the last three months. And give him a bill for his portion of the groceries.

Redjake · 11-07-2004, 04:59 PM

Don't listen to everyone saying "don't be polite." That's bullshit. Just do something along the lines of "Hey man, I was wondering when you were leaving. Sometime soon would be good. And if you could give me some cash or something for everything you've consumed, that'd be great too. I don't want you to have the feeling of owing me anything. Thanks."

No reason to be obnoxious or rude about it!

dobster · 11-07-2004, 06:06 PM

True, Redjake. Better to be nice in general.

However, do you really need this person around after they leave. Are you that bothered about the 'friendship' if this is what they think it means?

10-12-2004, 05:45 PM	#1 (permalink)
Spritebox Insane Location: Charlotte, N.C.	How to politely kick flatmate out? A friend of mine had quite a complicated sequence of events in his life happen to him a few months ago. I offered him a place to stay (since I was offered a place to stay at his place when times were tough for myself). I thought it would just be temporary. He's been here nearly 3 months now, and he's said things that would lead me to assume he plans on staying indefinately. This wouldn't be so bad, but he's mooching off all of my stuff. He buys nothing of his own, nor does he contribute to any chores. I recently found out that he's not living here because he has no other choice...he's living here because he likes it better than living with his parents (which he had been doing). So, I've decided he needs to leave, but I really don't know a nice way of asking. I've dropped hints, but he seems to either be too thick-headed, or he's just ignoring what he doesn't want to hear. ARgh. __________________ it's all nice on ice alright and it's not day and it's not night but it's all nice on ice alright

10-12-2004, 08:43 PM	#3 (permalink)
spindles Mine is an evil laugh Location: Sydney, Australia	How about "House meeting in the Kitchen - Fred, where are you going?" or maybe you should do what ratbastid said __________________ who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

10-13-2004, 12:01 PM	#5 (permalink)
Irishsean edited for content Location: Austin, TX	If you try to pussy-foot around the subject he'll keep taking advantage of you. Lay down the rules, say these are absolutes if you want to stay here, no discussion. __________________ There are no absolute rules of conduct, either in peace or war. Everything depends on circumstances. Leon Trotsky

10-13-2004, 12:15 PM	#6 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	there's nothing nice about it, if he's going to think of you as an asshole for kicking him out.. he's going to think that. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

10-22-2004, 11:53 AM	#13 (permalink)
iceburn Tilted Location: CT	yeah, ratbastid is right. These situations always have the potential to go badly, so I'd be careful about how it's done. Whatever you do, remain calm, allow him to say whatever he wants, but YOU're the one in charge of the situation, because it's your house. I suggest comsuming a depressant such as morphine, marijuana, or i guess a beer, just to mellow yourself out, and approach the situation by sending the message that he has a few different options.... like Paying you rent, offering to clean up or buy groceries, or just moving out. Out of those three, what do you sense he will go ahead with? Maybe just tell him he has to do it, or bolt. The truth is, if you're dropping hints, there's no way he isn't picking them up. People know when they're on their way to wearing out their welcome. Bringing it up once will probably get nowhere anyway, so you'll have to talk about it all the time, like every day until something gets done about it. Even if you get into a big confrontation about stuff and you can't be on friendly terms with him for a while, it's not your fault. He seems like he's being greedy and needs to learn a lesson. __________________ ... and shit.

10-12-2004, 05:59 PM	#2 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Who said you have to be nice about it? Being nice doesn't get you anywhere. I don't mean you have to be mean, but... Worry about being nice when you don't have anything else to accomplish. "Dude. I offered you a temporary place to stay, and I was very glad to be able to do that. But now you've stayed longer than what I'd call 'temporary'. What are we going to do about that?" Let him know that he can leave, or he can become a paying, load-carrying roommate. And let him know you'll still be his friend whichever he chooses.

10-13-2004, 11:18 AM	#4 (permalink)
Clark Crazy Location: Pittsburgh	Some thing like this hapened to me once. At the end of the thried week I said to my buddy, "I have been happy to help you out, but if you are going to stay longer then a month they you will be a roommate and I will need half the rent and utilities." He understood and was out at the end of the month and moved on to his next friends couch. He is still a good friend and understood I was not made of mony.

10-13-2004, 02:17 PM	#7 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Ask him for his half of the rent.

10-13-2004, 02:21 PM	#8 (permalink)
Tralls Crazy	You need to confront him about it and say that he needs to go ahead and try and find a place for himself. Your friendship will only deteriorate if you continue to let him stay if it is bothering you. I have had to do this twice actually. Some people dont get the hint that they need to leave sometimes, but if you are a man about it and honest and upfront, they will respect that if they are your friend and will remain so.

10-13-2004, 11:33 PM	#9 (permalink)
daswig Banned Location: BFE	buy a broken chainsaw at a thrift store, chase him around the apartment with it while yanking on the pull-starter maniacally. He should get the message. (just kidding...demand his half of the rent.)

10-21-2004, 08:54 PM	#10 (permalink)
jadedt Upright	Going through the same myself. Good luck with your efforts. In my case it is with my live-in ex-fiance who has no place to go... Things will work out on way or another. Depends on who presses the issue and it should be YOU.

10-22-2004, 10:21 AM	#11 (permalink)
Schwan A boy and his dog Location: EU!	Just talk to him and tell him upfront that it has been good and all, but it's time for him to leave. People don;t speak what's on their minds and it's preciesly that which leads to most of the misunderstandings in our lifes. At least I think so. Just talk with him, and be honest. If he'll get pissed off, then fine, let him. It will only mean that the friendship wasn't as good as you thought. The bottom line is if you just go and talk to him, things will work out fine between you guys. And if not - well, c'est la vie. As a side note, I had to fire a friend from a band, because he wasn;t very good. The whole band got together, and nobody knew how to start, so we just talked about the holidays and stuff like that. And then I said "ah, screw it" and dished out to him that we are here, because we want him out of the band, because he's not much of a singer. He doesn't have any grudges against me, and whenever we meet, we talk for a bit. And it turned out better for him, too. Instead of being a lousy singer, he's writing a biography for a rock star. Life, eh?

10-22-2004, 11:32 AM	#12 (permalink)
joe69 Upright	dont do it politely.

10-22-2004, 12:56 PM	#14 (permalink)
Suave Twitterpated Location: My own little world (also Canada)	Put on some soft music, and cook him dinner. When he's well into the entree, bring up the fact that it's "not working out", and you should "see other people". Be sure to let him know that "it's not you, it's me", and that you just want some space.

10-22-2004, 02:51 PM	#15 (permalink)
anleja disconnected Location: ignoreland	Walk into his room in the middle of the night. Chant "RED-rum, RED-rum." Pick up a tube of his lipstick and write "redrum" on the wall. He will then hold you with concern, only to see the reflection of "redrum" in the mirror. He will scream, and he will scram. I made that scenerio up myself. Pretty creative, huh?

10-27-2004, 03:18 PM	#16 (permalink)
Cadwiz Insane Location: work	My younger brother was living in an apartment with a few friends and they wanted him out. They call me and tell me they are kicking him out and he will probably need a place to stay.. That seemed a bit odd to me. Well, I go to pick him up and grab his stuff. He is asleep when I get there, they wake him up and tell him he has to go. Evidently, the neglected to tell him that they called me. They neglected to tell me that they didn't tell him he had to go. I just figured he didn't want to feel like I was bailing him out. So, I guess you could get rid of him that way. __________________ Semper Fi

11-07-2004, 04:59 PM	#18 (permalink)
Redjake I'm a family man - I run a family business. Location: Wilson, NC	Don't listen to everyone saying "don't be polite." That's bullshit. Just do something along the lines of "Hey man, I was wondering when you were leaving. Sometime soon would be good. And if you could give me some cash or something for everything you've consumed, that'd be great too. I don't want you to have the feeling of owing me anything. Thanks." No reason to be obnoxious or rude about it! __________________ Off the record, on the q.t., and very hush-hush.

11-07-2004, 06:06 PM	#19 (permalink)
dobster Insane Location: South London, UK	True, Redjake. Better to be nice in general. However, do you really need this person around after they leave. Are you that bothered about the 'friendship' if this is what they think it means? __________________ sig-na-ture 1. One's name as written by oneself. 2. The act of signing one's name. 3. A distinctive mark, characteristic, or sound indicating identity.