la petite moi

So, there are many wise and experienced people here, and I thought I would ask you all your opinion.

Now, I know the rule is not to whine about your parents, so I'm not going to make them the main point here.

In the last week, I've been training for my job as a Barista at Starbucks. I'm very glad to have finally gotten my first job. I have also been going to six college classes for a total of 13.5 units (Philosophy, Economics, Art, Yoga, Student Planning, and Health). Anyway, I've been working very hard and diligently, but my parents and sister do not realise this. After a whole day at school and work with no break yesterday, and getting home at 21h, my dad confronts me and tells me that I need to take care of the chores that my mother has been neglecting (she doesn't have a job) because she's been on vacation. He says that because I don't do my mother's 'jobs' around the house, I am not acting like an adult. And, of course, this is because my sister (16 years old) is completely messy and can't/won't clean anything worth beans anyway. Anyway, enough of my complaining- like Cynthetiq said: "Their house, their rules..." And as I say that, I come to the second part of my point.

So today, I really started contemplating moving out. My mother tried to make me feel bad (and succeeded) by saying that her friend's son (19 years old) has already moved out, has had a job for a couple years, and is going to college. Anyway, so I figure that if I'm working at Starbucks and going to college for the rest of this year, I could save up some money. Then, come next year, here is my plan: Move into an apartment with my boyfriend in San Jose, get financial aid for SJSU, transfer all my credits from a year at community college to SJSU, and transfer to a Starbucks near to our apartment. nwlinkvxd has a car for long-distance travelling and in San Jose I could ride my bike WAY more easily than I could in my current town I live in. Of course, we would have to get his parents' 'blessing' because they are basically paying completely for him right now- for his car, food, apartment, school, and miscellaneous fun things he wants.

Now, after this huge long post, what do you think I should do? Should I start becoming independent next school year? Or should I stay two years in my current town and then go to a more prestigious (or rather, expensive) school (UC Berkeley is what I'm thinking, but my dad doesn't really approve because he thinks its for hippies and wackos) my parents want me to go to, but still remain under their reign for four years?

insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

adam

My only advice is to make sure you have the finances covered; living in an apartment is a lot more expensive than it seems when someone else is paying for it.

But you are certainly old enough and you seem to have a good bf.

gar1976

I'd second this - don't rely on staying with a boyfriend.

Maybe try moving out with some close friends as roommates first, or just crash at their place for a while.

But hey, you're old enough, just boogie on out from there. Good luck.

*Nikki*

Don't move in with your boyfriend (sorry nwlinkvxd) been there, done that. I know how old you are and you need to see the world through your own eyes first. Stick it out another year or so and live with the parents. Damn I know that is hard as hell to do. Save money. Move out ON YOUR OWN or with a female roomate first. Belive me, I did it all backwards and paid the price later in life.
I have lived on my own for the last year and a half for the first time in my life. It is a very rewarding experience and it has taught me to take care of me before anyone else. I know it is hard to wait. You know I am waiting for my own situation to manifest My advice to you is to put you and your education first and foremost. You need to be able to suppport yourself 100% before you make future plans with your man

la petite moi

Well, I'm not necessarily moving out with him right now. I'm waiting another year (until the 2005-2006 year starts), and then I'd move in with him after I've saved money up. Why is it bad to move in with your boyfriend? (PS: I have no female friends.) Sorry, these are just honest questions.

*Nikki*

Well because you become so dependant on him. It is like you are married but you have no real commitment. IF something were to happen (God forbid) between the two of you.....well you would be in a real bind then. However some people do the living together thing and it works for them. I did it for five years. Then when we broke up it was even more diffulcult bc not only did I have to start my life over without him, I had to live on one income, and find a place to live. After having an experience like that, I don't think I would put myself in that situation again. But that is just me. I think you need to experience life solo before you can really be a good partner to someone. Living together is not easy. Living together without a commitment like marriage is even more diffulcult.

la petite moi

Heh, funny you should mention marriage...

We've been dating for 16 months now, and have seriously contemplated marriage for awhile now. Is this a bad thing, do you believe?

viejo gringo

Listen to NIKKI--that is sound experienced advise...

If that doesn't work you can always transfer to UTPA, and take care of me
when I get old...

My grand daughter just started at Baylor---she moved to an apartment right after she graduated---needed the freedom...she learned what a scary place the real world is...

cj22009

If you want to move out do it in your own don't have somebody supporting you and wait awhile in marriage. I got married when I was 20 and as of tuesday my divorce was final it lasted six years but it was mostly becasue of my kids. I moved out when i was 18 and didnt really get to live by my self that long three months and I had my signifigant other move in with me. If you want to move out live on your on for atleast a year

Rodney

"Their house, their rules," certainly. But if their rules are making you crazy -- and frankly, I'm having a hard time figuring out exactly what they want out of you or what you have to do to satisfy them -- you have to at least start planning to move out, putting money away, and so forth. Even if you don't actually have to end up doing it, it'll save your sanity.

I would not move out and expect somebody to support me, even if he/she was willing at first. It's putting yourself in a relationship that's just as unequal in power as the one you're in now, and even with all the best intentions on both sides, a situation like this is going to put even a great relationship under strain.

I would stay with the folks for two years and save up cash, keep formulating plans for being independent. Save your sanity: work hard, study hard, do what you're supposed to do around the house, but don't be surprised if the bitching doesn't stop. Like they say in Vegas, right or wrong "the house" always wins.

denim

If you move in with your guy, you won't have any place to go when you want some time alone, unless you each have your own room. Will working at Starbucks earn enough to pay for your part of the rent, your car costs, insurance, your part of the utility bills, food, and leave enough for problems which pop up AND enough for you to have a little fun with?

william

Try and wait out your time for now. Save your money and work on how to live on your own. What happens if you move w/your bf and things go sour? Think about living w/a roommate, just so you can have your own space when you want it. At this point in life, you should think of independence, not reliance. Most schools have postings for roommates, rooms for rent, etc. You don't need fancy to start on your own, but you should want to make it "your own".

stonegrody

I moved out of my place when I was 17 so hopefully I can share some insight. Moving out on your own is tough. There are so many things to take into consideration that you may or may not have thought of. Moving in with your boyfriend may also not be the best idea. If someone else is paying for it, you will still technically be under someone elses roof and not independant enough to learn from it. Focus on school. Stay at home and talk to your parents. Tell them about all of your efforts and all of the hard work you are doing in a way that they will understand. Do not make excuses or seem like you are trying to get out of your chores. Ask then for their support. You are working and going to school. If they want what's best for you, they will support you. Complaining to them or your sis will make matters worse. What you need now more than anything is their support. You are starting to build your future. Go to school and gradually become independant. Don't put yourself in a position where things could go wrong and you will have to take on more responsibility than you can handle. Especially finanacially. If things with your bf dont work out and you have to live on your own, there's no way you'll be able to make it on a Starbuck's salary and keep focused on school. Necessity will prevail and your education will suffer. The struggles you will go through in the next few years will pay off for the rest of your life. You have time to gain independance and get out on your own. Deal with this crap for a little while longer and when you're done, you will be much better off in the long run. And trust me, San Jose is not a cheap town to live in. This whole area is crazy expensive. Best of luck to you.

amonkie

If you're really thinking about going to the same college as your boyfriend, you might want to research and see if there are any housing scholarships available. I was an RA for two years, and every living area had scholarships which paid approximately 3-4 months rent for the student. It isn't a complete free ride, since they had to participate in certain projects and meet with housing staff, but it did enable some people who didn't have quite enough saved up to get out before they lost their sanity.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Cynthetiq

getting the chance to have lived in my own place where I could make my own rules without compromises to anyone. The place was decorated as I saw fit. The furniture was selected by me.

I had to pay the bills all by myself. Not just make the money but actually write the check and put it in the mail. Not just once, but every month. Sometimes I'd forget, and I'd come home and the cable would be turned off. I didn't have credit cards then so I couldn't call to get things restored immediately. Sucked. But no one else to blame but myself.

Cleaning up the place, didn't matter. Or did it? If I wanted friends to come over I had to keep it clean. But there were times that I didn't want to clean it... so I didn't. Why? Because I didn't have to answer to anyone but me. And I gave myself permission to let it be messy.

I had to go grocery shopping all the time. Damn, grocery is expensive. Well junk food is expensive... all the junk that we all like to eat... those snacks, that cereal, etc.

But I did it. I figured out how to make sure the bills were paid every month. I figured out how to keep it clean and yet messy at the same time. I figured out how use sales to buy groceries at the cheapest time and freeze things.

All the things to do with having to live... you have to figure it out.

I recommend living by yourself at some point in time in your life if you can afford it.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

raeanna74

Moving out on your own is probably a better choice. If you are still undecided may I suggest talking to your boyfriends parents? I don't know what they're like at all but as long as they're halfway normal they'll appreciate it. I know you mentioned getting their approval but I'm talking more in terms of their advice. Ask them what they think you should do. Explain to them about your parents and the frustrations of home. They know you better and they know their own son. They will be able to give you some good advice on what you can do. MAYBE just maybe they know of a girl looking for a roommate in their town or some such other option that you haven't considered yet. It will be a good way of beginning a good relationship with your future in-laws.

I'm not sure of the statistics but I have heard that many relationships when the couple lives together often DON'T move on to marriage. Not sure about where I even heard of it though. Honestly why would a couple want the expense of a wedding if they aren't going to change their relationship or living arrangements with a wedding. Just my 2 cents.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

la petite moi

You guys have had a lot of great advice. Thanks a lot.

:::OshnSoul:::

Hey, I was a star$ barista myself- worked there for 3 years and was shift supervisor- one of my favourite jobs EVER.
Congrats!
let's put it this way, it's not easy living on your own- BUT if you feel confident and ready, mature and responsible enough, nothing or no one should hold you back. Remember, it's tough, though. Weigh the options and take your time making the decision. What makes YOU happy is what matters. Your parents can't keep you at home forever, don't let them guilt trip you. Maybe you need to do this to show them you're responsible and ready, and to show your sister a good example. She's at that age where she doesn't care and thinks it's free livin' with maids, though, so it probably won't affect her. But like I said weigh it out, don't rush into a decision yet- and look at the big picture.

Johnny Rotten

I lived with my (now) ex-GF for a few years. We also went to the same school and worked at the same workplace. Then mistakes were made, and it was very messy. Also, if you're at a stage where you're paying your way through college, living with someone who's getting a parental free ride can and will create friction, because the two of you approach and deal with life in different ways and you have a different set of problems. Ah, I could go on. Suffice to say that there are less risky options, but best of luck with whichever one you go with

ShaniFaye

I just wanted to address one part of this before I give my two cents

My fiance and I have lived together for a year and we VERY much want a wedding, we are planning our dream wedding (2nd marriage for me, 1st for him) and he is just as excited about vowing our commitment in front of our friends and family as I am..hell he even looks around online for ideas and decorations etc to show me so that we can incorporate it into what we want to do.

having said that....I for one applaud your far thinking into this la petite moi. You are not being a typical young person and saying fuck you mom and dad Im going where I know Im wanted. You are still willing to bare with the crap you're dealing with long enuff to try to do this right. YOU know in your heart whats right for you....if you work on the financial end for the next year and your relationship is still as strong then...then I say go for it. A LOT of things can change in a years time, the situation with your love life, the situation at home etc.

If my opinion counts...your plan really isnt a bad one. Just because you considering sharing the same living space with him it doesnt meant you're "depending on him" anymore that the same dependance you'd have on just having a room mate. What your depending on is that each of you can still take care of your own bills, while maintaining the bills of a household.

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

virgin

LPM

Ok there are jobs you don't want to do in your parents home, once you move out will you have to do the same sort of chores in your new home. Will more hours of your day be decdicated to the cost of living in the new digs ? Or is the cost of living at your parents, actuallly less time consuming ? I am 41 my wife and I have been a couple since we were 17 and 15 respectively, we didn't get married until we were almost thirty. There is no rush, you have time, and you may very well be a different person by the time you are ready for marriage.

la petite moi

While I understand your point of view, the chores I do are typically nothing to do with me. For example, I often have to water my mother's plants while she decides to go on four-day-long 'vacations' (in quotes because she doesn't have a job anyway). I also have to clean up for my sister very often because she makes HUGE messes, and doesn't understand the concept of cleaning up after herself. I have no problem cleaning things up, but my parents bought a huge house (since it was the cheapest one on the market since the seller's went bankrupt), and make my sister and I clean the floors for it very often. This creates a heavy tension now that I am working part-time, being a student full-time, and having to do homework on top of that. My parents also don't treat me with a lot of respect (ie- my dad likes to pat me on the head like I'm a little kid, etc.). If I lived sharing an apartment with nwlinkvxd, we could share chores and plus, everything would be easier in a small apartment because we are very much alike when it comes to our space.

There should definitely be no rush, but nwlinkvxd is the love of my life. As this goes, I will most likely be waiting another two years anyway, so by then we'll have been dating three years and some odd months. We knew we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives after four months. You may have waited a long time, but that was probably what you wanted to do.

nowthen

If I was paying for my sons upkeep, to see him through college, and a girlfriend suggested she move in with him, I would not be best pleased. Be very careful about that, because I am sure your B/F parents do not want to feel like they are financing some love nest for the two of you rather than accomodation for his education.

__________________

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

la petite moi

Very true; however, his parents know that I am a hardworker and would not mooch off them. Most likely, when this plans goes into actions, we will have some very long talks.

combatmedicjen

Well, my fellow Starbucks barista, I'm only 21 and I have been happily married to xepherys for 5 months now

We're both going to school and working, but I think we have it much easier financially than you and nwlinkvxd. We're both in the National Guard, so we have tuition completely paid for. We actually get paid a couple hundred a month to be in school. And we don't have any sort of rent (yay for inheriting houses!)--just utilities and other bills. Like I said, we have it damn easy compared to most, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

Anyways, there are a few things I considered before moving in and marrying xeph. I had to make sure that I was emotionally ready to share my life with someone. I wanted to make sure that I was confident in myself and my goals, and wouldn't compromise who I had become by being with him. I had to make sure that I was emotionally mature enough to handle the responsibilities of marriage. I had to make sure that I was able to support myself financially, in case anything should happen to him (god forbid). I also had to make sure that I wouldn't compromise our relationship by somehow trying to make him into someone he's not. I wanted to make sure that he was also ready to "take the plunge."

Luckily, I can be my completely crazy self with xepherys, and he can be his geeky, adorkable self with me I'm so happy I married him! Every day I look forward to coming home from work to his embrace and snuggling up next to him every night. I've never been happier! I can't wait to get all old and wrinkly with him

The reason our relationship is so strong is because I lived on my own for three years before I met xeph. In those three years I basically grew up and settled into adulthood. I know that I definitely couldn't have handled marriage when I was 18--I wasn't emotionally mature. I needed that time for myself. But, that's me, and not you

If you want to move in with someone you love, and you're both completely confident in your relationship, then moving in and getting married is the next logical step... but there is NO RUSH! You should not be dependent on each other, financially or emotionally. Rather, you should compliment each other. It's hard enough getting by in this world... having someone else leaning on you can bring you down fast. At least, that's what I've found in past relationships.

Straight to the point (it's cliche time!): follow your heart. If you feel that you are ready to move in and share your life with this man, then PLEASE DO! Don't let his parents or yours stand in the way--if they love you, they will support you. But if there is even an inkling of doubt anywhere in your mind or his, WAIT. He's not going anywhere. Find a roommate on www.roommates.com or something. Let your relationship develop and strengthen without the added stresses of living together, if that's what you decide you need to do.

Best of luck with your move!