Relationship Dilemma - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

thebeat · 07-08-2004, 08:10 PM

Here is some background on the situation.....

I started dating my girlfriend a little over 5 years ago, I was a senior in high school and she was a freshman in college. We were each others firsts, etc.. About 3 years ago...she cheated on me with a guy she worked with while I was on vacation. I could obviously tell me that something was wrong when I talked to her, and on my 600 mile drive back home, she proceeds to tell me what happend, I become extremely emotional and our relationship ended at that time. This guy she cheated on me with was the complete opposite of myself....slept around alot, had a kid, an overall redneck....During the breakup her college roommate and I discussed the situation on a weekly basis, while I was attempting to get information. Being as emotionally distraught as a I was at the time, I called her house and we began a heated argument, her mom got on the phone and completely bitched me out, after I told her she had no idea what was going on with her daughter because at the time that was the case. Eventually we got back together and have been for 3 years now....of course the marriage issue has come up and as far as im concerned she is the one for me and after her brief relationship with mr. redneck she realized that I was the best thing that has happend to her.

Sorry for the long back ground but here is the current situation...

Together we're great....but her Mom, Sister, and Brother hate me because of what I said when we broke up, so I ruined a great relationship with her folks. I come from a very loving home with great parents who have been married for nearly 25 years, and their familes (moms and dads) all have a great relationship. the other calls the inlaws mom,dad etc... and I've always wanted that to be apart of my marriage and I know i'll never have that relationship with her mom and that truely bothers me. She is one of those people who just can't get over it...true southerner...

Do I just need to wake up and realize that If I marry this girl its just because we love each other and nothing else matters? I guess I just feel like I wanted that whole inter-family expereince, and obviously I wont.

Sorry if this sounds extremely cluttered and confusing, hopefully my point will come across.

wonderwench · 07-08-2004, 08:15 PM

I'm curious about how your girlfriend feels about her mom's and siblings' attitude towards you. Has she tried to get them to forgive and accept you?

thebeat · 07-08-2004, 08:20 PM

There have been times when she has expressed that is her family as of right now, and until we get married then all that stuff doesn't matter. I guess her family comes first, she doesn't like it but she feels like their is nothing that can be done, in other words its like her saying something and they let it go in one ear and out the other...very frustrating, but I guess everything can't be perfect...

wonderwench · 07-08-2004, 08:25 PM

This raises a warning flag for me. If she is as serious about you as you are for her, I would expect her to take more of a stand on your behalf. Her family's continued illwill toward you is a pattern I would wish to break, if I were in her place. I have an additional concern that she may continue to not support you after the marriage. People generally do not change their habits over night.

I suggest sitting down with her and telling her how much an extended family is important to you and see if she is willing to communicate with her family in support of you.

thebeat · 07-08-2004, 08:32 PM

She does take up and go to bat for me, Its her Mom and her Middle sister who do not want to hear what she says, but she respect her mom and her sister because their her immediate family.

wonderwench · 07-08-2004, 08:34 PM

Do you think her behavior will continue once you are married? How would you feel if she continued to listen to her mom and sister put you down after you were married?

thebeat · 07-08-2004, 08:35 PM

She actually wants to move away from her family...she feels betrayed at times.....

wonderwench · 07-08-2004, 08:38 PM

Okay then. She is willing to make you a priority over her family. That is a good sign.

thebeat · 07-08-2004, 08:40 PM

is it wrong for me to want this "Extended" family in my marriage, I guess its for my future kids, i want them to expereince my extended family support so to speak...

wonderwench · 07-08-2004, 08:44 PM

No, it is not wrong. Extended families can be wonderful! You understand that such a family relationship is unlikely with your girlfriend's mom and siblings - so you have to decide if you are willing to live with this.

thebeat · 07-08-2004, 09:09 PM

I think its important, yet I think that just because they want to hold something against me for years is childish, I should not risk losing someone I love because of it........if that makes sense

Flyguy · 07-08-2004, 09:41 PM

Sorry for butting in, but I'll be blunt.....

Fuck her. once a cheater always a cheater, in my opinion. I've been burned by too many so called women cheating on me in the past.

thebeat · 07-08-2004, 10:14 PM

i have to respectfully disagree with you on that one flyguy...that were too many circumstances involved to jump to such conclusion in my situation, im partly to blame....but we've resolved our differences and we've moved passed this. I can understand where you are coming from and in some aspects I agree with you but i think the situation that cause the inital breakup were a little different...but thats a whole nother post.

Kazic · 07-09-2004, 02:50 AM

Don't agree with that lable either. "Once a cheater always a cheater!" some don't understand the damage they have caused and some do. Its an individual that can make that deceision.

As for you thebeat, you have to look at things from both sides. Does her Mother/Sister understand all of what happened? Do they understand that you were distraught over the fact that she cheated on you? IF they do then its probably not going to change as even though she hurt you. they are standing on her side.
Little will change that. you will have to accept it or move on if that is what you want. I have heard you don't just marry , you marry the family.

pinkie · 07-09-2004, 10:12 PM

You don’t want your children to have a grandma and aunts that bad mouth, or can't stand their father. That might be something to take into consideration too. That's a potential source of marital strife that would also drive a wedge between you two, and confuse your children, if not handled.

I believe that love can conquer all, but that setting healthy boundaries with in the relationship and with others involved is a must.

07-08-2004, 08:10 PM	#1 (permalink)
thebeat Insane Location: Deep South	Relationship Dilemma Here is some background on the situation..... I started dating my girlfriend a little over 5 years ago, I was a senior in high school and she was a freshman in college. We were each others firsts, etc.. About 3 years ago...she cheated on me with a guy she worked with while I was on vacation. I could obviously tell me that something was wrong when I talked to her, and on my 600 mile drive back home, she proceeds to tell me what happend, I become extremely emotional and our relationship ended at that time. This guy she cheated on me with was the complete opposite of myself....slept around alot, had a kid, an overall redneck....During the breakup her college roommate and I discussed the situation on a weekly basis, while I was attempting to get information. Being as emotionally distraught as a I was at the time, I called her house and we began a heated argument, her mom got on the phone and completely bitched me out, after I told her she had no idea what was going on with her daughter because at the time that was the case. Eventually we got back together and have been for 3 years now....of course the marriage issue has come up and as far as im concerned she is the one for me and after her brief relationship with mr. redneck she realized that I was the best thing that has happend to her. Sorry for the long back ground but here is the current situation... Together we're great....but her Mom, Sister, and Brother hate me because of what I said when we broke up, so I ruined a great relationship with her folks. I come from a very loving home with great parents who have been married for nearly 25 years, and their familes (moms and dads) all have a great relationship. the other calls the inlaws mom,dad etc... and I've always wanted that to be apart of my marriage and I know i'll never have that relationship with her mom and that truely bothers me. She is one of those people who just can't get over it...true southerner... Do I just need to wake up and realize that If I marry this girl its just because we love each other and nothing else matters? I guess I just feel like I wanted that whole inter-family expereince, and obviously I wont. Sorry if this sounds extremely cluttered and confusing, hopefully my point will come across. __________________ random Last edited by thebeat; 07-08-2004 at 08:24 PM..

07-08-2004, 08:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
thebeat Insane Location: Deep South	She does take up and go to bat for me, Its her Mom and her Middle sister who do not want to hear what she says, but she respect her mom and her sister because their her immediate family. __________________ random

07-08-2004, 08:35 PM	#7 (permalink)
thebeat Insane Location: Deep South	She actually wants to move away from her family...she feels betrayed at times..... __________________ random

07-08-2004, 08:40 PM	#9 (permalink)
thebeat Insane Location: Deep South	is it wrong for me to want this "Extended" family in my marriage, I guess its for my future kids, i want them to expereince my extended family support so to speak... __________________ random

07-08-2004, 09:09 PM	#11 (permalink)
thebeat Insane Location: Deep South	I think its important, yet I think that just because they want to hold something against me for years is childish, I should not risk losing someone I love because of it........if that makes sense __________________ random

07-08-2004, 08:15 PM	#2 (permalink)
wonderwench Banned	I'm curious about how your girlfriend feels about her mom's and siblings' attitude towards you. Has she tried to get them to forgive and accept you?

07-08-2004, 08:20 PM	#3 (permalink)
thebeat Insane Location: Deep South	There have been times when she has expressed that is her family as of right now, and until we get married then all that stuff doesn't matter. I guess her family comes first, she doesn't like it but she feels like their is nothing that can be done, in other words its like her saying something and they let it go in one ear and out the other...very frustrating, but I guess everything can't be perfect...

07-08-2004, 08:25 PM	#4 (permalink)
wonderwench Banned	This raises a warning flag for me. If she is as serious about you as you are for her, I would expect her to take more of a stand on your behalf. Her family's continued illwill toward you is a pattern I would wish to break, if I were in her place. I have an additional concern that she may continue to not support you after the marriage. People generally do not change their habits over night. I suggest sitting down with her and telling her how much an extended family is important to you and see if she is willing to communicate with her family in support of you.

07-08-2004, 08:34 PM	#6 (permalink)
wonderwench Banned	Do you think her behavior will continue once you are married? How would you feel if she continued to listen to her mom and sister put you down after you were married?

07-08-2004, 08:38 PM	#8 (permalink)
wonderwench Banned	Okay then. She is willing to make you a priority over her family. That is a good sign.

07-08-2004, 08:44 PM	#10 (permalink)
wonderwench Banned	No, it is not wrong. Extended families can be wonderful! You understand that such a family relationship is unlikely with your girlfriend's mom and siblings - so you have to decide if you are willing to live with this.

07-08-2004, 09:41 PM	#12 (permalink)
Flyguy Banned Location: Swooping down on you from above....	Sorry for butting in, but I'll be blunt..... Fuck her. once a cheater always a cheater, in my opinion. I've been burned by too many so called women cheating on me in the past.

07-08-2004, 10:14 PM	#13 (permalink)
thebeat Insane Location: Deep South	i have to respectfully disagree with you on that one flyguy...that were too many circumstances involved to jump to such conclusion in my situation, im partly to blame....but we've resolved our differences and we've moved passed this. I can understand where you are coming from and in some aspects I agree with you but i think the situation that cause the inital breakup were a little different...but thats a whole nother post. __________________ random

07-09-2004, 02:50 AM	#14 (permalink)
Kazic Psycho Location: Fortress of Solitude	Don't agree with that lable either. "Once a cheater always a cheater!" some don't understand the damage they have caused and some do. Its an individual that can make that deceision. As for you thebeat, you have to look at things from both sides. Does her Mother/Sister understand all of what happened? Do they understand that you were distraught over the fact that she cheated on you? IF they do then its probably not going to change as even though she hurt you. they are standing on her side. Little will change that. you will have to accept it or move on if that is what you want. I have heard you don't just marry , you marry the family. __________________ "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

07-09-2004, 10:12 PM	#15 (permalink)
pinkie Helplessly hoping Location: Above the stars	You don’t want your children to have a grandma and aunts that bad mouth, or can't stand their father. That might be something to take into consideration too. That's a potential source of marital strife that would also drive a wedge between you two, and confuse your children, if not handled. I believe that love can conquer all, but that setting healthy boundaries with in the relationship and with others involved is a must.