Separation and helping children to cope - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

jumprun · 05-12-2004, 08:35 AM

Well, it has come to the point where my wife and I are separating. Unfortunately there is little to no hope of reconciliation. See Please don't take them for granted!! for a history about that!

We have one child together. She is 3 1/2 years old. She has an 11 year old son from another relationship. Our daughter will be staying with me and she and her son will be moving out.

I know that her son is having a hard time dealing with this. He won't say how he feels because he thinks it might hurt us. We have told him that we are here for that.

My concern is for our daughter. How do you tell a 3 1/2 year old that her brother and mother are moving away. There will still be close contact through shared custody, but probably limited to some weekends and week nights.

Has anyone had any dealings with this? I would like your input.

Thanks everyone!!

maleficent · 05-12-2004, 08:49 AM

I watched a friend go thru a very bitter divorce and it's affected the children very much. Whatever the reasons are for the split, don't let it fester, kids aren't stupid, they can see. Hatred between spouses is tough for kids, they want to love mommy and daddy, but feel guilty about loving mommy when daddy hates mommy. Whatever your feels for your soon to be ex (STBX) get past them as quickly as you can and get on with your own lives.

Work out the custody agreements with a lawyer, sooner rather than later, custody battles get really really ugly and the only ones who get hurt in all the mud slinging -- are the children.

If your STBX is amenable, take the boy out for a boys day out, and show him that you will still be there for him (if you indeed will) Telling him none of this is his fault, wont do much, but he's old enoughto udnerstand that sometimes people just can't be friends anymore and can't be together anymore -- talk to him, be honest, but use language he can understand.

SixEdxMia · 05-12-2004, 08:50 AM

The big thing here is...She's young.She is young enough to be clueless to the damage being done by you's around her.Just tell her,If she doesn't have the bad feelings of a fight or argument along with it than it will be just another thing she learns to live with.Tell her it's you and her.. from now on... and talk about the good things that you will have.Reassure her that YOU will take perfect care of her.Love her, TEll her more than you should.Happiness is coming,Is she ready?We will see mommey,and we will see brother and now,She will have two houses.. hope for the best.and continue to be a good daddy.Everything will fall into place and this shouldn't seriously get to her for another few years. : ( and my input comes from... I was the three and a half year old once.

mike059 · 05-12-2004, 02:43 PM

I went through the same problem with a three year old, I would tell her the truth, that her mom and brother will be moving, but that every one still loves her, and that it is not her fault. The most important thing is to keep it civil between you and the ex....

05-12-2004, 08:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
jumprun Upright Location: Ottawa, ON	Separation and helping children to cope Well, it has come to the point where my wife and I are separating. Unfortunately there is little to no hope of reconciliation. See Please don't take them for granted!! for a history about that! We have one child together. She is 3 1/2 years old. She has an 11 year old son from another relationship. Our daughter will be staying with me and she and her son will be moving out. I know that her son is having a hard time dealing with this. He won't say how he feels because he thinks it might hurt us. We have told him that we are here for that. My concern is for our daughter. How do you tell a 3 1/2 year old that her brother and mother are moving away. There will still be close contact through shared custody, but probably limited to some weekends and week nights. Has anyone had any dealings with this? I would like your input. Thanks everyone!!

05-12-2004, 08:49 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I watched a friend go thru a very bitter divorce and it's affected the children very much. Whatever the reasons are for the split, don't let it fester, kids aren't stupid, they can see. Hatred between spouses is tough for kids, they want to love mommy and daddy, but feel guilty about loving mommy when daddy hates mommy. Whatever your feels for your soon to be ex (STBX) get past them as quickly as you can and get on with your own lives. Work out the custody agreements with a lawyer, sooner rather than later, custody battles get really really ugly and the only ones who get hurt in all the mud slinging -- are the children. If your STBX is amenable, take the boy out for a boys day out, and show him that you will still be there for him (if you indeed will) Telling him none of this is his fault, wont do much, but he's old enoughto udnerstand that sometimes people just can't be friends anymore and can't be together anymore -- talk to him, be honest, but use language he can understand. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-12-2004, 08:50 AM	#3 (permalink)
SixEdxMia <3 Peetster Location: Peetster's house.	The big thing here is...She's young.She is young enough to be clueless to the damage being done by you's around her.Just tell her,If she doesn't have the bad feelings of a fight or argument along with it than it will be just another thing she learns to live with.Tell her it's you and her.. from now on... and talk about the good things that you will have.Reassure her that YOU will take perfect care of her.Love her, TEll her more than you should.Happiness is coming,Is she ready?We will see mommey,and we will see brother and now,She will have two houses.. hope for the best.and continue to be a good daddy.Everything will fall into place and this shouldn't seriously get to her for another few years. : ( and my input comes from... I was the three and a half year old once. __________________ Honey,We're home.

05-12-2004, 02:43 PM	#4 (permalink)
mike059 Tilted Location: Pensacola, Florida	I went through the same problem with a three year old, I would tell her the truth, that her mom and brother will be moving, but that every one still loves her, and that it is not her fault. The most important thing is to keep it civil between you and the ex....