la petite moi

Last night, I had words with Nwlinkvxd. Really bad words, and we both went to bed pretty...pissed.

The problem was this: I complain constantly about how I live, right? This is starting to wear on Nwlinkvxd. I live with my parents, have no friends, and I hate being bossed around (I have a bedtime, a phone time, still share a room with my sister who's 16, share a very small shower with my sister and dad while my mother gets the huge upstairs one, I got told what major to be because a French major wouldn't be successful).

The info: This fall, I'm going to a junior college (2years) at home (where I will still live with my parents) because that is basically their plan. I wanted to go to a UC or CSU, but my mother fundametally shot it down by saying that my SAT scores and grades weren't high enough (1140 score, 3.8 GPA...what do you think?), and I never applied. Also, Nwlinkvxd lives in San Jose- three and a half hours away. When we're apart, we fight constantly, and I'm pretty miserable. I complain about how my parents treat me, and say that I just wish I could move up to San Jose with him, but I never act on it (as Nwlinkvxd says). He knows that I've paid for summer and fall classes at the junior college already, but....

The question: Come spring semester 2005, should I-

(a) Tell my parents I'm leaving, move in with Nwlinkvxd (he's living in an apartment with some other guys), open enroll at San Jose Uni, get work, get student loans, and continue to slowly get an education while being happy (away from my parents, with my love)? This will be harder to do because I will have to be on my own, basically, and my parents will not support me; however, I will be with the person I love and get to know him better while living with him.

or

(b) Do what my parents tell me to by going to the junior college for those two years on their money, move out on their money to a UC or maybe CSU (my mum only wants me to get into a UC for some reason...???) for my third and fourth year, and put off living with Nwlinkvxd for fours years? This will be easier because I will be supported by my parents, but I will still fight with Nwlinkvxd and be pissed at my parents.

Cynthetiq

Apply to the other schools so that you have options. Check out scholarships, fellowships, grants, and student loans.

As far as your major, French. Okay, that sounds great. Successful? What does that mean to you? What does that mean to them? Now, with a Degree in French, what job can you get to apply it? Are you just using that major because you like French? You have to think more than just today, and more than just tomorrow but take a little effort into thinking about the following week and the following month. The reason is because they work hand in hand.

You say that you cannot get a job because of this or because of that, someone is not hiring etc. But if you had to survive you would find a job. It may not be glamorous or great, but it pays money for time spent. If you had another mouth to feed you would find a way to feed it. How do I know this? Because there are other people who aren't you who are doing more with less. Every time I think that I'm having a hard time with something I remind myself that there's a family of 4 trying to do the same thing with 1/2 of my salary and working 2-4 jobs total.

Now if you keep status quo for whatever reason. You will have to make some adjustments. Your parents house your parents rules. But if you fund your own education, they don't have much say in that part of your world. The more you take it onto your own shoulders the less they have to say on the matters in your life. That's the purpose of my Are You Your Own Person? thread. Inspired by you and another person griping about their situation that they are in and have no control and have little or few options.

Truly you need to find a different outlet for your frustration. Your BF can only take so much of it, but at the same time, he too needs to adjust and accept a bit of it. If you can't change it, then don't bitch about it. It does little to change the situation but just irritates ALL the individuals.

As far as living with him, if you are going to live with him IMHO you should be moving in with him because you want to not as an escape.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

BonesCPA

Cyn's got it right.

First, their house, their rules.

Second, I am the wrong person to comment on majors - I have been known to say that if you are going to school for communications (or fill in some other major that tweaks me) that you are essentially going to school to drink. That being said, if you think you can have a successful (and I don't necessarily mean financially) career with a major in French, you should pursue it. Similarly, the school should be at least partially your choice.

Third, as far as paying your own way - it's not easy, but it has been done before. (Just remember to always say "do you want fries with that" and you will always be able to find a job.)

Finally, don't bring your baggage into someone else's life, unless it is only filled with clothes. Don't run away from a situation by moving out. If you are going to move in with someone, be happy you are moving in, not more happy that you are moving out.

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Back into hibernation.

Peetster

As long as you live with your parents, you have to obey their rules. Whether you can tolerate that or not is your decision.

I suggest you figure out where you want to be in 5 years. That will suggest a course of action. Right now you seem... adrift.

insidious_machinae

Cynthetiq, you are right about a lot, but with the job thing...I have tried many, many times. I just recently turned 18, and I have no work experience. No one wants to hire a dumb teenager. Hopefully I can get a job soon though. I have done everything I can so far.

la petite moi

Sorry, that last post was me under Nwlinkvxd's account. Whoops.

bermuDa

Going to a UC is crazy expensive. If moving out means going to college on your own bill, I would definitely recommend a CSU. Also, at least at my school (CSUS), it's harder to transfer than to get in initially. You are better off applying to a CSU, then transferring what credit you can from a community college.

I'm not sure why your parents think you couldn't get into a CSU... my SAT score was like 1260 and my GPA was probably a little less than 3.2 in high school. I'm also not sure why your mom is so intent on you getting into a UC, perhaps she thinks that the more she pays the better the education...

Education is what you get out of it, and all schools have some really good teachers that will get you excited about the subject and make you want to learn, and there are also teachers that will make you despise going to class and trying to memorize some useless facts so you can pass the tests. I'm enjoying my time at CSUS, mainly because I'm learning a lot. It's nice that your mom wants you to succeed, but I think it's the wrong attitude to tell you right off what you can or can't succeed as. A french major might not open the most doors up for you, but there are SO many communications majors out there, and a lot of them (as stated before) chose that major just to have a major. The thing is, what is going to make you want to learn the most? Could you double major? A language major and a communications major sounds like a reasonable combination.

Your parents seem a bit too heavy handed and controlling, but it is their house so you have little say in it. If you feel you are responsible enough to move out on your own, then that's your perogative. But please consider how this might affect others (not only nwlinkvxd, but his roommates you mentioned, would they mind if his girlfriend moved in? would that be a long term arrangement?).

I don't really have a suggestion to make, so I won't vote on the poll, I just say you should make sure that your decision is something you can handle with maturity and responsibility.

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denim

I voted "other".

Staying with your parents, and especially your controlling mother, sounds like a lose. You'll never know what you could have done if you'd stood up to her, etcetera.

Moving in with your man is iffy right out of the house. If things go badly down the line, you'll be stuck. So...

I suggest getting some female roommates to move in with. You're leaving the house for the first time, if I understand correctly, so you're going to have enough of a hard time just having non-family roommates. Don't complicate it by having non-family roommates you are also sleeping with. Have a place to come home to after staying at your guy's place over night, or in case of an argument. Call me conservative if you like, but I figure everyone needs their own space.

Move in with your man if you must, but be sure to at least have your own room, so you can get away from him when you need to. And visa versa.

raeanna74

THIS is SOOOOO important. My parents were a lot like you sound. I wanted to escape. This is why I married hubby in the first place. It caused us so many problems in our relationship later on. We've worked past it but it got us started on the wrong foot.

As to the rest of things Cythetiq sounds right to me. Look at ALL your options. I'm sure you don't see everything. Talk to a career counselor at school as well. They have a lot of experience and can give you some impartial advice.

Look into jobs. I'm sure there's lots more out there than you realize. Talk to people, get references, advice. Even if you end up flipping hamburgers for summer - It's only a stepping stone. Getting a better job is easier if you are already employed and it doesn't matter where you are employed. Just working a bum waitress job shows that you are willing to do what's necessary and work hard. Any employer appreciates that. When you don't have any job the employers look at you and think "Hmmm, what's wrong? Why Can't she find work? Does she not show up, does she ...?" You get the picture. Everyone has to start somewhere. Usually it's at the bottom.

I agree it would be less stressful in the here and now to move out. What about the long term? 5 years from now? When you graduate maybe? You would have a degree under your belt. Gainful employment would be much easier to find, and you can move out to wherever you want to go - not just SO's place.

Another question to ask yourself - Why haven't you made the move yet? Is there something in your subconsious telling you it wouldn't be wise or is it just cause you hesistate to disrupt the status quo?

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Cynthetiq

You are right no one wants to hire a dumb teenager. Pause, I'm going to be blunt. STOP BEING ONE. If you come off as one, then you will not ever get a job because employers can SMELL it. That's why I suggested getting a volunteer job. You don't have to tell ANYONE that it's volunteer. But it's like a girlfriend/boyfriend, if you don't have one and a prospect is looking they will wonder why you don't have one and then move on to the next prospect.

it's a numbers game. EVERY place. I mean EVERY place. If you had to eat you'd find a way.

What city and state do you live in? I probably could find listings right now that you'd be qualified and be able to apply for...

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

k1ng

I agree with denim. You should definately get out of your house, but I dont think you should move in with your boyfriend either.

You should find a school that *you* want to go to. Apply there and live on campus or find some roomates off campus. Don't move in with your boyfriend and go to whatever school happens to be nearby. This is your future you are playing with. No one else's.

Even if you do decide to go to San Jose Uni (or a nearby school) - still live on campus or with other roomates.

I've seen several people who move in together at a young age and end up getting married because its easy/convenient. Or have a lot of other problems. What happens when you get in a fight or decide you want to break up with him? Where do you go? Your lease doesn't end for another X months, etc..

Hope these posts help. Best of luck to you!

I disagree with you. There is *always* work out there. It comes down to how badly you want a job and what you are willing to take.

My brother-in-law has a degree in Computer Animation but is working as a server at a restaurant. He claims he can't find anything else. I live 15 minutes away from him and have been offered two jobs this week (both that pay more than his job AND that he would qualify for)--and I haven't even finished my degree (CIS). It wouldn't really be any of my business whether or not he gets a job, but he has to support my sister and their daughter, which makes it my business.

I didn't mean to compare you to him. I was just using him as an example to prove my point that jobs are available to people willing to take them.

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"Delight in excellence is easily confused with snobbery by the ignorant." -Joseph Epstein

la petite moi

Well, you guys are pretty much all right. Thanks for the help.

maleficent

Next time you are near a bookstore or a library, head to the children's section and pick up a copy of The Little Engine that Could, and Dr Seuss's Oh the Places You Will Go.

Read them and remember those books.

You CAN do anything you WANT to do, you just have to decide, for yourself, that you want to do it. You're a smart young woman, have some faith in yourself.

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Journeyman

Just so you know, I've seen plenty of people attending a certain unnamed UC, and they're ummm... not all that smart. Getting in with a 3.8 gpa should be no sweat. I have no idea what kind of SATs are going to help you, though.

hannukah harry

imho, you need to stand up to your mom. i agree with the their house, their rules, but that can not and should not strecth to your major. they have the choice to pay for your school or not, but it's your life, and you need to do what you want as far as your major. 10 years from now, you want to be doing something that makes you happy (or so i assume) and majoring in something that they allow that you don't like may not open those doors depending on what they are. (for example, some one abover mentoined their bro has a computer graphics degree, but is working as a server, but without a degree in computer graphics, you're much less likely to be able to get a job).

oh, i also agree with what others said about moving in with a boyfriend, espeically at your age right out of your parents house... i don't think it's a good idea.

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shabbat shalom, mother fucker! - the hebrew hammer

Holo

Indeed. I had this very thing happen and it puts unecessary strain on a relationship to be "forced" together. Get your affairs in order as much as possible and deal with your parents as much as possible. You won't know how much living there helps you get established until you're out on your own without that safety net. I know you're a new adult and don't want to hear shit from your folks anymore, but it's a small price to pay for what they are giving you right now. Take your time with your SO and don't move in with him until you are in a position where's it's a choice. Trust what I say on this...it only leads to strain and fear in a relationship.

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I happen to like the words "fuck", "cock", "pussy", "tits", "cunt", "twat", "shit" and even "bitch". As long as I am not using them to describe you, don't go telling me whether or not I can/should use them...that is, if you want me to continue refraining from using them to describe you. ~Prince

World's King

I'm 23 an dlive with my mother. We get along better now then we ever have. It's cheap and I don't have any rules.

As we all know you're newly 18 and that means you're an adult. Tell your parents that you want to be treated like an adult more. No bed time... no ohone time... and your own room if possible. Don't be mean about it but tell them that if they don't want to change some thing then you're gonna move in with the boy. I'm sure they would rather kill the bed time then let you live with your boyfriend. Parents don't like to think about their kids fuckin' 24/7.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

:::OshnSoul:::

a) don't complain. do something to change it.
b) is what you complain/dread/worry about/fear/argue about really worth it?
c) what does your heart tell you.