Strength in solitude? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

05-06-2004, 03:33 PM

One of the reasons I am happy and am strong willed is that I have forgone the need for people’s acceptance and appreciation. I am still an outgoing person and enjoy spending time with friends, parties, meeting new people. I got into a discussion with my mother this morning as I have stopped interacting with my brother, I am 19 and he is 22.

(Explanation of our relationship) He has lived out side of the house for a year or so but was thrown out by his room-mates for being a slob and not cooperating with the requests of his other 3 roommates to do more of the general work. Anyways, I saw him every couple of weeks but I was always the one to contact him. After sometime I got tired of having a one sided relationship and just stopped contacting him. Now, he lives back at home and I talked to him, I told him that I didn't really feel we needed to have a friendship but I would show him mutual respect because I really don't want people in my life who won't reciprocate the same level of involvement. After that he made a concious effort to get more evolved in my life and things were working out okay. A few weeks ago though I found out he had been telling mutual friends of mine some pretty insulting and degrading comments and had also been communicating with my parents information about where I was going, what I was doing, that fact I have started smoking cigars and when I am drinking. My parents really don't have a problem with these things but I had made an effort to keep my social life private and he betrayed a basic trust by relaying back information he was learning in conversations. It was frustrating to make these discoveries and I just decided to leave things as they are instead of forcing an explanation out of him, I show him respect but I only answer direct questions and never speak to him. This has been going on for about three weeks now and this Sunday I won't see him for about three weeks as he is staying with his girlfriends while our parents are in Europe.

My mother was telling me she thinks that is it bizarre and troubling that I don't immediately talk to my brother about the situation and try to resolve this conflict we are having but I feel that until he makes the first effort their really isn't much to do. I feel fine about how things are now, around a year and half ago while I was still in high school I decided that I didn't want to be reliant on other people and became more self supporting by breaking off contact with a lot of people who didn't really support the me I wanted to be. I see a lot less people but the friends I have are people I like and people I can trust and enjoy being with. I found inner strength in being able to separate away from negative people in my life and found it to be a positive experience. When I first made that decision I would get lonely some nights but learned how to use my time productively and how to find happiness in my self and not others. Do you think it’s mentally healthy to find strength in seclusion (despite still thinking of myself as an extravert)? For those who took the time to read the part about my brother, do you feel that I should make the first step? I still feel he didn't respect me and betrayed part of my trust in him. Has anyone else had similar experiences?

guthmund · 05-06-2004, 07:59 PM

I find a lot of strength in solitude. I have relationships with those I want to have relationships with. I think you're absolutely right. I reason that I have enough troubles in my life that I can't do anything about, why ask for more?

As for your brother, I think he believes he's in competition with you. My sister is the same way. Constantly bringing up stupid stuff in conversation in an attempt to embarass me. I also think you already have taken the first step. It's painfully obvious that your brother has a bit of growing up to do (I mean, seriously, ratting on you to your parents) and isn't likely to provide his half of a fulfilling relationship anytime soon.

As for similiar experiences, I have one with my father. I was never close to him and for 20 years felt like a flaming disappointment to the man. I extended the olive branch a few times, as I felt it was the least I could do, and didn't get much further than the first couple of phone calls. I call him on the major holidays and I think I sent him a card on his birthday.

You've tried. End of story. No hard feelings. There's no sense wasting effort on a vacuous hole of a person and feeling guilty when it doesn't work out.

05-06-2004, 03:33 PM	#1 (permalink)
NotMinus Guest	Strength in solitude? One of the reasons I am happy and am strong willed is that I have forgone the need for people’s acceptance and appreciation. I am still an outgoing person and enjoy spending time with friends, parties, meeting new people. I got into a discussion with my mother this morning as I have stopped interacting with my brother, I am 19 and he is 22. (Explanation of our relationship) He has lived out side of the house for a year or so but was thrown out by his room-mates for being a slob and not cooperating with the requests of his other 3 roommates to do more of the general work. Anyways, I saw him every couple of weeks but I was always the one to contact him. After sometime I got tired of having a one sided relationship and just stopped contacting him. Now, he lives back at home and I talked to him, I told him that I didn't really feel we needed to have a friendship but I would show him mutual respect because I really don't want people in my life who won't reciprocate the same level of involvement. After that he made a concious effort to get more evolved in my life and things were working out okay. A few weeks ago though I found out he had been telling mutual friends of mine some pretty insulting and degrading comments and had also been communicating with my parents information about where I was going, what I was doing, that fact I have started smoking cigars and when I am drinking. My parents really don't have a problem with these things but I had made an effort to keep my social life private and he betrayed a basic trust by relaying back information he was learning in conversations. It was frustrating to make these discoveries and I just decided to leave things as they are instead of forcing an explanation out of him, I show him respect but I only answer direct questions and never speak to him. This has been going on for about three weeks now and this Sunday I won't see him for about three weeks as he is staying with his girlfriends while our parents are in Europe. My mother was telling me she thinks that is it bizarre and troubling that I don't immediately talk to my brother about the situation and try to resolve this conflict we are having but I feel that until he makes the first effort their really isn't much to do. I feel fine about how things are now, around a year and half ago while I was still in high school I decided that I didn't want to be reliant on other people and became more self supporting by breaking off contact with a lot of people who didn't really support the me I wanted to be. I see a lot less people but the friends I have are people I like and people I can trust and enjoy being with. I found inner strength in being able to separate away from negative people in my life and found it to be a positive experience. When I first made that decision I would get lonely some nights but learned how to use my time productively and how to find happiness in my self and not others. Do you think it’s mentally healthy to find strength in seclusion (despite still thinking of myself as an extravert)? For those who took the time to read the part about my brother, do you feel that I should make the first step? I still feel he didn't respect me and betrayed part of my trust in him. Has anyone else had similar experiences? Last edited by NotMinus; 05-06-2004 at 03:36 PM..

05-06-2004, 07:59 PM	#2 (permalink)
guthmund big damn hero	I find a lot of strength in solitude. I have relationships with those I want to have relationships with. I think you're absolutely right. I reason that I have enough troubles in my life that I can't do anything about, why ask for more? As for your brother, I think he believes he's in competition with you. My sister is the same way. Constantly bringing up stupid stuff in conversation in an attempt to embarass me. I also think you already have taken the first step. It's painfully obvious that your brother has a bit of growing up to do (I mean, seriously, ratting on you to your parents) and isn't likely to provide his half of a fulfilling relationship anytime soon. As for similiar experiences, I have one with my father. I was never close to him and for 20 years felt like a flaming disappointment to the man. I extended the olive branch a few times, as I felt it was the least I could do, and didn't get much further than the first couple of phone calls. I call him on the major holidays and I think I sent him a card on his birthday. You've tried. End of story. No hard feelings. There's no sense wasting effort on a vacuous hole of a person and feeling guilty when it doesn't work out. __________________ No signature. None. Seriously.