TheJig

Oh my God! I walked in the door after work and my wife hit me with the news, my father-in-law wants to come live with us.

He and his wife (my wife's step mom) are having some issues, monetary mainly, but she also seems to be going through some depression. They are about to lose their house, and are in major debt. So I guess he's ready to give up.

What the hell do I do? We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, and we haven't even been married a year. She has already told him that he can stay if he needs to. He'll be moving from 3 hours away, so he'll have to find a new job and he really has no skills with which to find one. He's a stoner who has a real problem being an adult, and I am too young to take care of someone else. Not to mention that my wife has been out of work for a few months. I don't want to tell my wife no, but I am freaked out here.

I actually really like the guy, but this whole situation is really upsetting. I'm always more than willing to help someone out, but I'm not sure about this one. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance.

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"Jenny, tell me, do you still walk, do you still get into sandwiches in a big way?" - Flight of the Conchords

Harshaw

You might want to consider giving some guidelines and rules. Things like "Must spend each day looking for a job" and "You can only live here X amount of months". It may sound a little harsh, but it doesn't sound like you are set up in such a way that you can help this guy for an unlimited amount of time.
Giving a helping hand is nice, but don't let him become to attached to it.

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This too shall pass.

Redlemon

Oooh, that's a tough one. You really need to have a one-on-one sit-down with your wife on this. Decisions that significantly affect both of you need to be discussed. Even though this is a parent, your first priority must be your marriage (and kids, if applicable).

And, everything Harshaw said.

:::OshnSoul:::

Ooh, been married for such short of time, having an extra person in the house can easily effect the marriage. you haven't had the chance to develop and evolve in your marriage.
But, this is what you have to keep in mind:
-Be supportive.
-Be loving both to your wife and father-in-law.
-Don't neglect your marriage.
-There is a reason and purpose for this happening, not only for the father-in-law, but for you and your wife. Don't miss the signs of positive ripples of this new situation.
It will be fine and it is only temporary.

JStrider

make sure he understands its a temporary thing... perhaps dont allow any weed in the house... that might encourage him to get his own place...

and definently make sure you and your wife are communicating about this...

lol... have sex with her loud enough that he can hear... that might encourage him to move out lol...

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-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

Stare At The Sun

^^ Lol, yeah, fuck all day long, be really loud about it, make sure the bed is against his wall, slam it, etc.

I'd make sure you let him know who's boss and everything, but remember, this is still family, and there have been times in your life that others have probably helped you out, have the same respect for them, and give them a helping hand. Just make sure its only temporary. You'll be a better person in the end for it.

xim

I think you need to show that exact post to your wife. That way she will understand where you are coming from. Your wife is the one who will have to be letting him know that its not a permenant stay, so she needs to understand that you want to help but dont want to be supporting a house of four for too long.

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If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com

jay-g

If the tables were turned, i am sure he would help you out. Hook him up, and see what happens.

Boo

Still trying to breathe after these...... LMAO!

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Back button again, I must be getting old.

jujueye

Well, I can add little to the advice here. But, let's recap, shall we?

1. Lay down the rules. Type them up and post them on the fridge if necessary.

2. Limit his stay. Allow him to get back on his feet (this is fair) but let him know it is not a permanent location. Suggest he get a PO Box instead of having his mail transferred to your home. That will help him remember that he is not in his own home.

3. TALK to your new wife. With something this big, a longer discussion was actually in order, and something that you both should have agreed upon. The more you do this now, the more it will become a regular part of your relationship, and that can only help.

4. Feel free to say "Hell No"!!! Then explain the financial hardship it will create, not to mention the tax on your new marriage. Don't forget this will also cost you more for food, electricity, water, etc.

5. Ask the tough questions. Be honest in your answers.

6. Suggest counseling for him so that there would be a possibility that he could some day go back home and make it work. Counseling is not for schizos, it's for times like this when we need help and reason. Counseling could also convince him that he is running away from it, which isn't a good, adult solution.

I'm not trying to be mean. I just can see that this is really going to be trying for you.

Mr Jiggyfly

Sounds like one hell of an inconvenience... but I think you'll have to put up with it. The SO should have discussed it with you first, although the outcome should/would probably remain the same. To turn away her family in a time of need would likely be seen as cold and uncaring (by the rest of the family as well). If it were your parents, how would you react? What if it then turned into a long term situation with your parents?

Have the talk with her and look for *additional*, not *alternative* ideas. Any other family members he could also visit during the job hunt?

Certainly make it clear to her that you want to do everything you can to help, but that you do not want to get used and it must be a temporary arrangement. Since this is her parent, her judgement will be at least slightly clouded when there is a matter of conflict. Since this is not your parent, and it is an inconvenience to you, your judgement will also be somewhat clouded. It would certainly be best to avoid the situation entirely, but you can't... so think it through and make the best of it.

TheJig

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm hoping that the situation will go away on it's own and he'll decide to stay and work things out. I know avoidance isn't the best policy but I don't want to start an issue when there isn't one. If I brought it up and we got into a big fight, and then he decides not to move in anyway, then the arguement will be for nothing.

So I'm going to wait until it's 100% sure to have a real discussion about it.

I guess I just fear anything that may disrupt our lives right now. It always seems that as soon as everything starts to fall into place, something else goes wrong. But I must say, with everyones' advice, I feel a little better about dealing with it if it does happen.

I'm not that good at looking at the bright side of things, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad....
No, it would definitely be a living hell.

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"Jenny, tell me, do you still walk, do you still get into sandwiches in a big way?" - Flight of the Conchords

denim

Ever hear of a self-fulfilling prophesy? Careful, there.