Marriage, children and your future - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

bscox00 · 02-24-2004, 05:36 PM

Well, to catch you all up, I've not been married for very long, but already it has been very rocky. We've had periods of being separated, up to 2 months at a time. And we can't seem to go very long (no more than 1-2 days) without finding something to argue about.

My wife has a child who has never had a father in her life (i.e. my wife was a single mom for 7 years). I married my wife with the full intent to adopt (which I haven't done yet) and take her daughter as my own. Genetics be damned; who steps up to the plate is someone's parent.

Now, we got married with my wife saying that since she'd had such a hard time, the idea of children was a little scary. She wanted some security (i.e. marriage to me) before she'd have kids. For a time it was a non-issue.

Now recently, in the midst of our "normal" problems, she has kind of let it be known that she isn't sure she wants to have any more kids at all.

Children are very important to me. I got married with the hope that I'd have my own family. I guess the atheist in me wants to live forever and the sentimentalist remembers fondly his own childhood. I really want children.

Would your spouse deciding that they don't really know if they want kids anymore be a "deal-breaker?" We have spoken about getting divorced, each having seen a lawyer.

we have been working on things...but...this really seems to drive a further wedge. Should I be willing to try to work on a marriage that is already loaded with problems with a spouse who doesn't have the same desires for family and future as I do?

I'm scared. And sad. I love my wife. But we can't seem to let go of our past problems and look to the future. And now, with children being something that I've always wanted in my future, my wife isn't sure she wants that at all.

Are children a deal-breaker? Should I...sigh...get out?

02-24-2004, 06:27 PM

There's a lot of things to consider here. Take responsibility in this- that you chose to get married- for better or for worse.
Also, people can change, but they can also tend to not be completely honest about some issues only because they don't want to hurt another person's feelings. She probably told you now because you are married now and that she may think that you can't back out now, since you are commited in this marriage. You took the vows saying so. If these issues were neglected prior to getting married, it probably wasn't wise in getting married then.
I suugest seeing a therapist and trying to find a compromise- a solution- a positive outlook on this.
You can't ever say that it is a "deal-breaker", because there was no "deal" to begin with, from the sounds of things.
How much did you two really discuss having another child/adopting?

Quote:

She wanted some security (i.e. marriage to me) before she'd have kids.

and

Quote:

I got married with the hope that I'd have my own family.

make me wonder about the reasons of the marriage. I am sure you do love her and want to be married to her, but maybe not for the right reasons. Same goes for her. But divorcing so soon gives up the chance of something actually working out. Who knows, she may decide to one day adopt with you, just not right now. This is all new to her, being a long-time single mom and now being in a marriage- that is a drastic change, so I can see why having more children can seem like throwing more weight on the carriage. Start looking at her point of view and talking with her about it. Have her try to see yours. Like I said, seeing a therapist is more worth the try that seeing a divorce lawyer so soon.
Also, another VERY IMPORTANT factor to keep in mind is the child. What will this do to the child if he sees his mother and stepfather split after such a short marriage? You came into his life, and I gather he adores you as a father figure. Now you want to take that away from him all because of the differences you and your new wife have at this time, which could possibly work out or change for the better?
Give it thought and don't EVER give up. Realize what feels good to you and whether you want to try at this or walk out.

lurkette · 02-25-2004, 05:53 AM

I can completely understand why she wouldn't be sure about having more kids in the current situation. If your marriage is kind of rocky, perhaps you should address what's at the heart of the issues you keep having before you think about adding more stress to the mix in the form of another child or two. Of course she's not sure about this, given the way your relationship sounds! She hasn't said she definitely doesn't want to, just that she isn't sure - and good for her for being honest instead of telling you what you want to hear just to make things easy.

My advice would be to put this (the kids issue) on the back burner and deal with the other issues, keeping in mind that this is going to have to come up again. Go to a good marriage counselor and figure out what you both want out of life and out of this relationship.

Good luck!

2kids1headache · 02-25-2004, 05:57 AM

Why are you two fighting nearly every other day?

neddy65 · 02-25-2004, 06:12 AM

i was going to say pretty much what Lurkette said soooo........

look for answers to current issues before deciding on something so permanent as children.

mr sticky · 02-25-2004, 08:13 AM

Hey Dude, coming from someone who has a good marriage...with two kids and one on the way.

DON'T HAVE KIDS UNLESS YOUR MARRIAGE IS STRONG!!!!!!

I can't say this enough. Kids only complicate marriage. It doesn't reduce any problems, it only magnifies them. My wife and I are great together, but often we are stretched to our limits both emotionally and physically, taking care of our kids and each other.

If we didn't have that strength, we would be statistics a long time ago.

Please get conseling. But even if things work out and you feel comfortable in your relationship, make sure the commitment level is strong before you adopt hers, or have one together!

mr sticky · 02-25-2004, 08:46 AM

Hey Dude, coming from someone who has a good marriage...with two kids and one on the way.

DON'T HAVE KIDS UNLESS YOUR MARRIAGE IS STRONG!!!!!!

I can't say this enough. Kids only complicate marriage. It doesn't reduce any problems, it only magnifies them. My wife and I are great together, but often we are stretched to our limits both emotionally and physically, taking care of our kids and each other.

If we didn't have that strength, we would be statistics a long time ago.

Please get conseling. But even if things work out and you feel comfortable in your relationship, make sure the commitment level is strong before you adopt hers, or have one together!

txlovely · 02-25-2004, 12:16 PM

All excellent advice. Marriage first - listen to lurkette and get a good marriage counselor then get to the bottom of her not wanting more children.
Although, I do believe that the want of children can and should be a dealbreaker. If it is that important to you, you shouldn't cheat yourself. Good luck and do seek counseling. You owe it to yourself and your marriage, not to mention this child that is now caught in the middle.

02-24-2004, 05:36 PM	#1 (permalink)
bscox00 Banned	Marriage, children and your future Well, to catch you all up, I've not been married for very long, but already it has been very rocky. We've had periods of being separated, up to 2 months at a time. And we can't seem to go very long (no more than 1-2 days) without finding something to argue about. My wife has a child who has never had a father in her life (i.e. my wife was a single mom for 7 years). I married my wife with the full intent to adopt (which I haven't done yet) and take her daughter as my own. Genetics be damned; who steps up to the plate is someone's parent. Now, we got married with my wife saying that since she'd had such a hard time, the idea of children was a little scary. She wanted some security (i.e. marriage to me) before she'd have kids. For a time it was a non-issue. Now recently, in the midst of our "normal" problems, she has kind of let it be known that she isn't sure she wants to have any more kids at all. Children are very important to me. I got married with the hope that I'd have my own family. I guess the atheist in me wants to live forever and the sentimentalist remembers fondly his own childhood. I really want children. Would your spouse deciding that they don't really know if they want kids anymore be a "deal-breaker?" We have spoken about getting divorced, each having seen a lawyer. we have been working on things...but...this really seems to drive a further wedge. Should I be willing to try to work on a marriage that is already loaded with problems with a spouse who doesn't have the same desires for family and future as I do? I'm scared. And sad. I love my wife. But we can't seem to let go of our past problems and look to the future. And now, with children being something that I've always wanted in my future, my wife isn't sure she wants that at all. Are children a deal-breaker? Should I...sigh...get out?

02-25-2004, 05:53 AM	#3 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	I can completely understand why she wouldn't be sure about having more kids in the current situation. If your marriage is kind of rocky, perhaps you should address what's at the heart of the issues you keep having before you think about adding more stress to the mix in the form of another child or two. Of course she's not sure about this, given the way your relationship sounds! She hasn't said she definitely doesn't want to, just that she isn't sure - and good for her for being honest instead of telling you what you want to hear just to make things easy. My advice would be to put this (the kids issue) on the back burner and deal with the other issues, keeping in mind that this is going to have to come up again. Go to a good marriage counselor and figure out what you both want out of life and out of this relationship. Good luck! __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

02-25-2004, 06:12 AM	#5 (permalink)
neddy65 Loves green eggs and ham Location: I'm just sittin' here watching the world go round and round	i was going to say pretty much what Lurkette said soooo........ look for answers to current issues before deciding on something so permanent as children. __________________ If you're travelling at the speed of light, and you turn the headlights on, do they do anything? My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die! Drink Dickens' Hard Cider because nothing makes a girl smile like a Hard DIckens' Cider!

02-25-2004, 08:13 AM	#6 (permalink)
mr sticky Psycho Location: NC	Hey Dude, coming from someone who has a good marriage...with two kids and one on the way. DON'T HAVE KIDS UNLESS YOUR MARRIAGE IS STRONG!!!!!! I can't say this enough. Kids only complicate marriage. It doesn't reduce any problems, it only magnifies them. My wife and I are great together, but often we are stretched to our limits both emotionally and physically, taking care of our kids and each other. If we didn't have that strength, we would be statistics a long time ago. Please get conseling. But even if things work out and you feel comfortable in your relationship, make sure the commitment level is strong before you adopt hers, or have one together! __________________ The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

02-25-2004, 08:46 AM	#7 (permalink)
mr sticky Psycho Location: NC	Hey Dude, coming from someone who has a good marriage...with two kids and one on the way. DON'T HAVE KIDS UNLESS YOUR MARRIAGE IS STRONG!!!!!! I can't say this enough. Kids only complicate marriage. It doesn't reduce any problems, it only magnifies them. My wife and I are great together, but often we are stretched to our limits both emotionally and physically, taking care of our kids and each other. If we didn't have that strength, we would be statistics a long time ago. Please get conseling. But even if things work out and you feel comfortable in your relationship, make sure the commitment level is strong before you adopt hers, or have one together! __________________ The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

02-25-2004, 05:57 AM	#4 (permalink)
2kids1headache Loser	Why are you two fighting nearly every other day?

02-25-2004, 12:16 PM	#8 (permalink)
txlovely Insane Location: ...We have a problem.	All excellent advice. Marriage first - listen to lurkette and get a good marriage counselor then get to the bottom of her not wanting more children. Although, I do believe that the want of children can and should be a dealbreaker. If it is that important to you, you shouldn't cheat yourself. Good luck and do seek counseling. You owe it to yourself and your marriage, not to mention this child that is now caught in the middle. __________________ Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.