Cynthetiq

I saw the thread in the parenting forum about how to tell the parents that they were having kids
http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...threadid=44175

well what about those that are mulling the idea of not having a family at all?

has anyone made the conscious decision to not have kids and conveyed that to the family?

lurkette

We've at least hinted in that direction - pretty much, it's just come up in conversation and we've said "meh, I don't think we are going to have kids." My mom is fine with it, my dad is disappointed, and ratbastid's parents are still trying to convince us that it's a good idea.

I think it's a little different than announcing you're going to have kids, which is a definite event. This, on the other hand, is a non-event and you don't really have to say anything about it - people pretty much figure it out when you approach menopause with no rugrats in sight. They'll probably start asking questions long before then and give you ample opportunity to break the news.

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Anomaly_

I think this is one of those things that you don't announce unless you want to create tension or stir something up. It's like an adult version of getting a tattoo or piercing as an adolescent; it's not about showing your independence to your parents, it's about pissing them off. Lurkette is right about it being a non-event compared to bringing another human being into the world.

Averett

I don't plan on ever having kids. My folks are always saying "You'll change your mind." Or "When you have kids."

Honestly it upsets me. I don't want kids, never have, and I don't want to be a disappointment if I never do.

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lurkette

I didn't mean to suggest that choosing not to have kids is insignificant, it's just that it's not something that has a definite time and place, like having a kid. You have to announce that, because it's going to happen and people are going to notice! Deciding not to have kids can definitely be an event - a final decision, making peace with it, etc. It's just that it usually is something that just....happens (or doesn't happen) and you don't have to make an announcement or something about it if you don't want to notify your folks and make a big deal out of it.

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ratbastid

Man, Cyn, I feel you on this one. How do I tell my dad, who's positively drooling for a grandchild, that I'm not going to be sireing the little whelp? It's not an easy thing. My family (regrettably) has a number of "eldest son" traditions that I'm happy enough to skip entirely, or pass to a nephew if need be.

On the happy side, my brother and his wife are pregnant as we speak. That's great for them, they'll be awesome parents. He's got a temper on him, and I suspect that the 24/7/365 frustration of parenthood can only serve to temper him. And she'll be a great mom right out of the chute (so to speak). Anyhow, the whole "Woe is me I'm grandchildless!" thing is somewhat abated.

Boo

If you don't want kids, definitely don't have them. I also believe if you can't afford to have kids, you should wait also.

The "Grandparents" can adopt a "Grandbaby". There are more kids displaced from their immediate family now than ever.

"Take a kid fishing"

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PorscheBunny

Why is it that the people least needing to have children have 7 or so running around, filling the schools with deliquents; while those who would be the best parents intentionally sideline themselves and refuse to have them?

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skier

yep that sucks porschebunny. Uneducated men and women are outbreeding smart men and women. Is this so different from sending our young, best, and brightest into war zones to be killed? The human race seems to be culling from the wrong end of the genetic scale.

oops kinda derailed there. I respect both Lurkette and Ratbastid for choosing not to have children, (even though in my opinion they'd make great parents) and that i hope they live a long and healthy child-free life.
Myself I plan to have one child, in the hopes of continuing my unique family name. Maybe thats a little selfish of me, but I also look forward to watching my child growup.

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Mr.Deflok

Haha, I'm gonna have heaps of kids, and there'll be a bunch I'll never know about too!

All joking aside I can't wait to have kids!! It'll be great to have a couple of mini-Mr.Deflok's running about wreaking great havoc about the place, AWESOME!

skysooner

Just like anything else in life, you have to live for yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else. I never really had the urge to have kids. I could have been just as happy without them. My wife always reminds me that I said to her "We could always buy a sailboat" when she asked what would we do if were unable to have kids naturally. It just wasn't a priority for me. I love my 2 boys but without my wife pushing me we probably never would have had them.

Charlatan

It is odd... I never wanted kids when I was younger. I just never thought of myself as a father (I guess it came from not growing up with one).

When I was 26 my wife got pregnant and before I knew it we had a boy. As much as I would have liked to not have kids... they change your life... I am more than happy that I did.

My son (and now a daughter too) are the part of my life that bring me the most satisfaction. Odd that.

As to the first question... I'd say don't bring it up unless it is asked. If you parents ask you if or when you are going to have kids just say that you don't think you will be having any.

That should be good enough. If they have a problem with this then you will just have to remind them that this is your life and your choice (in a much more diplomatic fashion )

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denim

All I can say is that now that it's looking like my parents won't have grandkids, the topic came up and I feel a bit bad for them. OTOH, it takes two to have kids. I haven't found an appropriate woman who agrees that she's the one.

And I don't want to propagate some of these genes, also.

How did I tell 'em? IIRC, they brought it up. My bro's not got an appropriate woman, and neither do I. That doesn't lead to kids. Now my mom wonders how she screwed up.

I figure she screwed up in having kids in the first place, but I didn't tell her that, of course. I've had enough of being mean to her. Being a parent of mine has GOT to suck hard.

Rodney

Well, we never had to plan how to break it to my mother; she hinted a lot, and I kept telling her "probably not." My wife was just at the bare end of the reasonable childbearing years when we got married, and she said she'd have one if I really wanted it (though it wouldn't be her choice). Well, what do you say to that, especially if you have no strong feelings? So when Mom kept hinting, I strengthened my response to, "No, we're not." Then she started hinting that we could adopt, and I said, "we're not planning on that either," though we might under the right circumstances if a kid in need literally landed on our doorstep, even at this late date.

Poor mom. My one sister decided not to have kids either, so nobody's carrying on her line. But she has six brothers and sisters who all had kids and grandkids (I had like 18 first cousins on that side), and my father had a ton of nieces and nephews, too. So our genetic heritage is in no danger, as far as I'm concerned. But you know moms.

taylorspl

I'm not having any kids I know better than to throw my gene's back into society.

NatureBoy

I can't get it thru my parent's head that we're not having kids, and if we ever decide we do want children, we're adopting. My step-father (of all people) gave me a stern talking-to about adoption. I wanted to tell him to fark off.

Kaos

Best advice I can give....BE DIRECT. If you mean it, and you do not want kids, make that point perfectly clear.

If your parents have any inkling that you will change your mind on this subject, they will try to convince you to have kids. For selfish (want grandkids) or non-selfish reasons.

FishKing

If you do not what kids that is your choice.

Think about this. Who will you pass your values onto if you do not have kids..

I know several people who choose careers over kids and end up passing on their values to other peoples kids..........

Boo will tell you the best thing in his life besides his mother in law is his kids.......Some where between kids, work, and his wheelers he finds a few mins to share with is wife.

660!

Johnny Rotten

It's odd to me to see people my age carting around kids, even though I'm 25. I don't think anyone at this stage in life is sufficiently prepared to successfully raise a child, unless of course they're making good money. And most folks in their mid-20's aren't.

As far as I'm concerned, you shouldn't feel pressured to make an announcement out of it. If you do, then someone is pushing you too hard. Your parents may want you to continue their legacy, but it's easy for them to sit back and demand it when it's no skin off their nose. I'd rather wait until I'm 50, say, and know what I need to do, rather than wing it because it's expected of me.

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majik_6

Well, I had a pretty good response for this one, but I accidently hit re-set form instead of submit, so I'll just sum it up:

I've told my family since I was rather young that I'd never have kids, so there won't be any pressured talks when I'm thirty.

My mom and stepdad understood, and agreed that the world doesn't need any clones of me running around.

My dad seems to think I'll change my tune, and my step-mom (who I very rarely agree with on anything) is sure that I'm just "too young" to understand.

My grandparents think that I'll:

Cut my hair
Take out my piercings
Shave
Quit smoking
Trade-in my cars (which are illegal and dear to my heart) for a mini-van
Marry a "good Christian" woman
and have lots of babies. (all this within a very short span of time)

Then, their plan dictates that I'll constantly be pulling out my hair when my little boy decides to grow out his hair, gets some piercings, start smoking and "rebel". Then my grandmother says that she'll look down from heaven and laugh at me....but they're a little crazy.

So yeah, since everyone's known from day one what my plans are, there shouldn't be any resistance when I grow old without any young'uns. As for reasons, I just don't want kids. I plan on leading a lifestyle that I don't think is conducive to child-rearing. Plus, I'm too laid back...if my 12 year old asked to get a tattoo, I'd probably just take her with me (since I plan on being a tattooist) and make sure she gets a "sweet custom piece"....nothing about that sounds like I'd be a good father. I'm sure I'm being a little exaggerated, and that I'd be a great father if I was in the situation, but I prefer to keep it to theories, and not really test it.

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denim

So she wouldn't want a tatoo. There'd be something else you've no clue about at this time. There always is.

majik_6

Yeah, I think the fates would send me a little Carlton Banks, just to get revenge for me being the way I am.

I was just trying to make the point that my parenting skills are seriously lacking!

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denim

Neither you nor I can know that until a trial by fire. Which, w/o a woman, I will not face.

Boo

Actually your order is wrong. Its wife, kids, wheelers, fishing, ...... (time warp)..........watching golf, herpes, flaming hemmoriods, painful stools, and then comes the mother in law.

I man has to have his prioroties.

Its all about the...... "DING"

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MSD

If they ask when you're going to have kids, even if they're just joking, firmly reply, "Never," and leave it at that.

Having said that, I don't know how the hell I'm going to settl down and reaise a family when I'm making up for all the fun I should have had as a kid.

tec-9-7

Those are the best kind of children - one's you can send packing anytime and for any length of time once you are tired of them.

No kids for me - and I had a vasectomy to prove my resolve.

frankx

It's better to know for a fact that you don't want kids and stick to your guns, than to be unsure, have one (or five) and find out only then that you weren't meant to be a parent.

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Anomaly77

I agree. You need be be firm and clear on this. Even then, some people will try to change your mind. I am married, and neither my husband or I want children. I have never wanted children. My mother accepts this and completely respects it. My father is still in some state of disbelief. My grandparents are saddened, which breaks my heart but, I can't reproduce just for them when I absolutely do not want to be a parent.

I get a plethera of ignorant commentary regarding this decision, mostly from people who do not really know me or my reasons. It is quite frustrating. I don't need to bring it up, people will ask and when they don't like my answer they try to argue with me. It is unfortunate that so many people cannot respect such a decision.

Jay Francis

One thing we ran across when we would tell relatives that we weren't going to have kids was, "Who is going to take care of you when you get old?" We would reply, "These days there's no guarantee that even if you have kids, they'll take care of you." That kind of quieted down the quizzing about kids.

What I regret is that we were too truthful, advising that it would be difficult to raise kids well, considering the hours we were working, the size of our house, etc. In hind sight, I would have just said, "We can't have kids". And let them think what they want.

And, good sex has nothing to do with having kids. I think we've probably been more sexually active over the years because of less fatigue from trying to juggle too many commitments.

thingstodo

Why tell them anything? I guess that is the real question.

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SabrinaFair

A bit off topic, but related; a fascinating movie that deals with this subject is called "Leila". It's an Iranian film about a newly-married couple who finds out the woman is barren. The husband has no desire to have children, but his family is constantly pressuring him to take a second wife so he can continue the family line. Watching this couple deal with that is fascinating. Plus, a great foreign film where the focus is the story and not big tits, big guns, and beating the shit out of someone. Anyway, that's my two cents...

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Yakk

I wouldn't worry too much about this on the genetics side of things. Humans are closer to clones of each other than most other species, and we'll be playing with our genome in a bit, so people can have custom kids. Assuming, that is, modern society doesn't crash and burn first.

If you really really want to encourage people you consider "worthy" to have kids, and discourage the other side, work at changing the laws/customs that encourage behaviour you don't like. G'luck. =)

On topic, a huge amount depends on the family. Different people value having kids far more and far less. However, the majority of parents probably value having kids: if they didn't value having kids, they would be less likely to have them. . .

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Anomaly77

If only it was that simple.
There is no avaoiding it.
Even before I was married, when we were just engaged, people were asking when we planned on having children. Whenever I meet new people and they learn that I am married, the child-bearing question is the next thing out of their mouths. People nag and nag and nag, even though it has been clearly stated that we do not intend to have children. Really, a week does not go by without somebody asking. It is SO annoying! I wish so much that I could just avoid the topic but, when someone asks you a direct question, you kind-of need to respond. I'm not going to lie, the decision is quite clear.
People expect you to get married and then have kids. It does not take long for people to start asking questions when they don't see babies being made.

Forever

I know this is an old thread, but I was going back through this board.

I told my mom before she died (I'm only 22 now) that we weren't going to, and she always said that it was my decision and was ok with it. My grandmother tells me now that my mom said it made her think she was a horrible mother, but my grandmother...distorts the truth. REALLY distorts the truth.

My dad is ok with it. Again, says it's my decision. My grandmother, on the otherhand (the one from above) keeps telling me that I'll change my mind, and that being a mother was the most important thing she ever did. Well, that's nice, but that's not my life.

I know I'm young, but I'd rather concentrate on my career, (future) husband, and fur-babies. I like to be spontaneous sometimes.

Nancy

hmm we haven't decided yet (but I don't think we will). And because we're not sure yet I haven't talked about it with my parents about it. I did, however mention it to one of my boyfriend's friends and he thought that I was extremely egoistic because I didn't really care if we had kids or not. that really pissed me off.... I mean... it's my fucking choice wouldn't you say?!

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veruca

my husband and i do not want to have kids. i ahve never wanted children, even as a child, i was not the girl with the baby. i was the girl with the barbie who had 8 boyfriends, 3 cars , 2 houses and tons of expendable income. i also knew that i might be ready to think about children, when i was about 30. i feel you should be financially stable, and somewhat established before you have children. my mother doesn't really mind not being a grandmother, but my mother-in-law cries every time she sees a baby..it's so embarassing.

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bernadette

^ ain't that the truth?! ^

my questioning has changed from "when are you going to have kids?" to "why didn't you ever have kids?"

even tho i am now in my peri-menopausal years, it is quite possible that i <i>could still</i> conceive, but i will never know, because my husband & i have decided once & for all that we are simply too old & tired now to bring children into the world. it wouldn't be fair to them or us.

early on we simply put the children decision off, cuz well there was always <i>later</i>... well, <i>later</i> has expired.

i was also very concerned when i was much younger, because i had a lot of issues to resolve from my own childhood. my mother was very disturbed when i was a child. she beat my brother & me for anything & everything. sometimes it seemed there was no reason. i was scared of her until i moved 7 states away. she is on medication today & a much more balanced & pleasant person to be around. acually she changed a good deal when she had her quad-bypass in 1997.

part of me was paranoid. this world is sick. i would've died myself if i'd had kids & something awful happened to them. maybe that's a selfish decision.

anyway, i guess part of me was always a little bit fearful that i would abuse my own children as she did.

now that i am in my 40s & have come to terms with all my past demons, i do really think i could be a good mother now. if i was younger & full of energy again....

i've always been & always will be a bit regretful about not giving my husband children, because he would have been the bestest parent ever. some of that may stem from his as he puts it his "ghost father" (not spending time with his kids/no patience). luckily in his father's latter years, a good relationship was built w/my husband. (before he died last june).

just the way my husband regularily makes time for our dogs to be sure that he takes them places where they can run or he can throw a frisbee, whatever, always reminds me...


anyway, sorry for the ramble...
i never really let the pressure from family or anyone bother me. i just told them, "no, kids" & promptly changed the subject. luckily my brother gave my folks a grandson.

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maleficent

Every holiday I get harrangued by my beloved mother, when am I going to settle down and get married and give her a grandchild (like the 4 my sister has arent' enough)

The marriage thing she's given up on with me, seeing as I can't seem to stay engaged. the kid thing is an impossibility and I never did get around to telling them, that due to a drunk driver hitting me, certain complications forced a hysterectomy - not exactly the news any parent wants for their 21 year old.
So I never bothered to tell them, they'll eventually figure out I'm too old to have kids and I wasted that opportunity.

The fact that I can't have children ceased bothering me ages ago, I might want one some day, but I'd definitelt adopt.

What aggravates me the most, and I truly don't understand it, is the need for that biological child, where couples and individuals will spend all sorts of money and time and have all sorts of procedures done, and screw around with hormones, to have a biological child. THere are so many children out there who need homes -- ya want one bad enough -- adopt.

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bad jane

it is very unlikely i could ever have children, perhaps with lots of money time, procedures and meds i could make it happen--but even that is a bit of a longshot.

as for why i might eventually attempt it rather than just adopting--it's not just about having a child with my genes, it's also about the experiences that come with pregnancy and childbirth. as for wanting a child with my genes, that's true too. for me, it's less about passing on my own genes than creating a child that is half mine and half my partner. for me genetics is secondary, but i do think for a lot of people, it's more important. my step-mother has been in my life since i was young, but there has always been a connection between us missing and i do believe it comes from the fact that i'm not "hers." she has a biological niece that she feels a very strong connection with--because she is blood. there are family heirlooms that will go to my cousin because she is blood and i am not. my step-mother loves me very much, but there is no question that our relationship would be more if she were my biological parent. i barely know my biological mother, but she is the woman i consider my mother because she gave birth to me. she may not be my parent or the one i call mom, but she's still my mother.

adoption is a wonderful thing, and if i have kids that is most likely the route i'd take. but if i had my choice, i'd have biological children as well.

Cynthetiq

sure... but the point of this thread is to not evangelize or demonize those that choose to not have kids. We don't care why you want to have them. We've heard over and over all the reasons why we should have them. But it still doesn't change our minds. We just want to be left alone and have people satisfied with our choice.

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